Conversations with my 13 year old self by Pink

I do better with poems but thought I would give this a try.  

I grew up in being either molested by my father or my brothers. Everywhere I turned it was
someone doing it from my family to a handyman. Once I grew too old for them to have fun with then I became their punching bags. Where was my mom  some may wonder; she turned
her head and choose to deny it was happening.

The system, what a joke! My family would get turned in and we would just pack up and move. From Kindergarden to Graduation I was in 10 different schools. I told who I could as a kid; from my teacher to the school shrink, I even tried a few preachers just for them to say if it happened
it was because that's what I wanted to happen...

But I'd have to say the best advice I have gotten is just to forget about it and move on...hmmm sure wish my brain agreed with her 100 dollar an hour opinion.
My parents even caught my brothers at it just to me beat my ass for it saying I asked for it. By my 8th birthday I lost the only family member that tried to keep me safe. By the time I hit 13 I had tried repeatedly to end my life just to mess that up as well .. (I can say now thats a good thing.)
My adulthood wasn't much better .. raped twice: once by a man and once by two women. In case you are wondering by this time I was only 22 yrs. I'm 30 now I but I still live in fear. I can't walk outside at night let alone walk from my bed to the kitchen once the lights are out.

In the past 7 years the flood gates of my past have opened... I guess because I am now 1500 miles from my family. My inner child wants to get help for all the crap we have gone through. I came to this site to share and to find others that can understand my internal fight. My partner tries but I don't feel right telling her all this because she already fights with depression and I don't want to bring her down.

To be honest talking to a shrink is not an option for me so I came here to share.

...All I want is a good nights sleep and to feel something other than fear.

Family Portrait by Pink

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature"
~ Anne Frank
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