This is my story and I am 22 years old

. I was sexually abused as a child by two different men. I have had to be strong for most of my life and I had to grow up when I was a child in pretty much every aspect of my life. I’m going to go ahead and give a basic overview of how it all began. 

My parents got divorced when I was 5, mom got custody of my brother and I and we moved
to a new town. This town is where it all began.

After the divorce my mother would leave us at the babysitters well into the evening past the time she
got off work to pick us up because she was at the bar. By the time I reached 7 and my brother 5 we were staying home alone on a regular basis while she would go out and drink and do drugs with her friends, she also had many different boyfriends. I remember one time one of her boyfriends was trying to strangle her on the couch and I saw this from my bedroom and I ran out there and said “get off my mommy!” My mom was not patient during this time in my life and got angry very easily. When she got mad she would often throw things or hit my brother. She would even throw away the toys that my dad would buy us from when we went and saw him. One time she even forgot me at the swimming pool, because she was out drinking.

I was aware that my mom was smoking pot when I was around six or seven years old.  My mom wasn’t always a bad mom, she just had her moments. On the days that she was sober she was nice and She would take us places such as the zoo and for bike rides. We always did have food and our basic needs were met. It just hurts that there was so many other times when either she wasn’t there or she was mad or passed out.

Now my mom no longer behaves in any of the ways that she used to and we have a good relationship. Its too bad she wasn’t the mother she is now then. I forgive her for not being there like she should’ve because it would not solve anything to hate her for it and I know she would change what she did if she could.

When I was around 8 my brother and I started going to a different babysitter. I remember one day in our house my mom told me that if anyone ever touched me in the wrong kind of ways to tell her about it, but I never did tell her, and to this day she still doesn’t know. My new babysitter was an older lady and her husband that had two daughters that were in their late 20’s early 30’s living with them and a son named Russell that was in his 40’s that would come over almost on a daily basis.  We were usually there by 6:30a.m. when mom had to go to work.

We would either lay down for a while or watch cartoons in the living room while my babysitter sat at the table and read her bible. Then around 8:00 we would eat our cereal for breakfast and walk to school. But once school got out for the summer that’s when things began to take a different turn. By this time I was now about 9. One day for being such ‘a good girl’ me and another girl got to go somewhere with Russell. I’m not sure where we went to but I remember on the ride back in his Nova,  I was in the back seat of his car and the other girl was in the front seat.  He told me to lean forward between the seats and to lick my lips, he then rubbed his finger sideways across them and said that it reminded him of something and that he would have to show me later. After that when he was over at my babysitters, which was basically everyday he would take me out of the playroom where the other kids were and into the bathroom and he would lock the door. He told me that if anyone ever asked me what was going on in there to say that he was helping me go to the bathroom.  He took me in that bathroom so many times, each time always doing the same thing. He would pull down my pants and lick my vagina and touch me there with his fingers. Sometimes he would masturbate while he was licking me. Another time he came into the playroom where there was at least 9 other children in there besides me, and my brother was in there too. Russell sat down and  he told me to come over there and he whispered to me that he wanted to show me something. He took a piece of paper out of his wallet and it was a page torn from a porno magazine and he whispered to me "this is what I would like to do to you."  Shortly after that he took me into the bathroom again. He also took me to his house many times. It is besides me to begin to try to understand why a babysitter would let her 40 something son take the same little girl to his house all the time. When we would go to his house he would get me naked and set me on the couch and do his usual licking and touching to me. He taught me how to masturbate and told me “Every night when you go to bed, rub your clit with your middle finger.” He would touch my little nubs for breasts and while touching me and licking me there he would masturbate and he would cum on my leg. I remember him trying to stick his finger inside and I said ”ouch that hurts” and so he stopped doing that.

I remember him telling me “when you start to get hair down here, there is so much more I will show you.” That really scared me, I didn’t want him to do anymore to me than he already had. The first time I noticed I was getting pubic hair I got in the shower and I was sitting in the bottom of the tub shaving it off and crying. There was no way I was going to let him know I started getting hair. To this day I hate to imagine what he had planned for me once I had it.

One time my babysitter even asked me, “Has Russell ever done anything bad to you? I noticed that you seem to be afraid of older men.”  Of course I told her no just like he had always told me to say if anyone ever asked.  That makes me wonder, that maybe he had been caught doing molesting other children since she asked me that, but that is something I will never know. To give you an idea of how mean Russell was one morning I was in the living room and I told him I was feeling sick. His reply to that was "If you puke on the carpet I'm going to make you lick it up." About a year after that we moved away to a different city when I was 11, and I haven’t seen him since.

Just when I began to think I was free, I hadn’t had anyone touch me like that for a while, but not a year would go by before I had to go through it again.  Now I was twelve. This time it was by someone I had grown up around and trusted. It was my grandfather. He did this to me when I would go see my dad on his visitations. The first time he ever started acting different we were at the family farm (no one lived at on the farm, they just farmed it) and we were walking along our little creek we had out there. All of a sudden my grandpa tackled me from behind pushing me to the ground and turned me over, he was laying on top of me trying to kiss me and was humping me even though we both had our clothes on.  I remember I was trying to fight and get him off of me, but he was a lot heavier and stronger than me. Then after this went on for a little while he got up and we left the farm. I remember another time after that I was at grandma and grandpa’s house where my brother and I would be while my dad was at work when we were there on visitation.

One day I went out to the wood shed and grandpa was there and he tried to kiss me and with tongue. It was so disgusting and I told him that he should go kiss grandma like that instead of me and he told me that I needed to practice kissing so I would know how. The next time he did something to me he cornered me up against the wall by the filing cabinet  and undid my pants and put his hand down there, then he undid his pants and pulled it out. He made me touch his penis. Then he pulled down my pants just enough to expose me and he put his penis against me. While he was doing this he was making us go into the kitchen, all the way until my back was against the counter. I was resisting and told him to stop, I didn’t want his penis on me and he said “don’t worry I wont get any on you.”

Other times he would do this practically right under my grandmas nose. She would watch her soap
operas in the afternoons and we wound sit and watch them with her too. While sitting on the couch with a blanket he would be touching me under it. These same instances happened over and over. Several times I would ask him “why are you doing this to me?” and he would reply “Because I want to. You are so beautiful.” Then I asked  “why don’t you do this to grandma instead?” he replied “I don’t want to.” Then I asked  “Did anyone ever do this to you when you were growing up?” He said “No.” I remember talking back to him on several instances when he did these things to me but no matter what I said it didn’t make any difference.

One time both my grandma and grandpa were sitting at the dining room table and I asked my grandma “Grandma what do you think should happen to grownups that touch little girls in bad ways? Should they get in trouble?” and she said “Yes they should.” But that’s all she said about it.  And that’s about it. My grandpa had a look on his face when I asked her that, but didn't say anything. My grandpa molested me for about a year, not everyday or anything as often as the other man did because I didn’t see his as often because the only times I would go there was when my dad had visitation with us and he had to work. Our visitation at the time was every two weeks.

By the time I was 14 I stopped going to my dad’s for visitation, I never told him the real reason for why I stopped going. I just told him that I was in high school now and that I wanted to spend time with my friends. I stopped going there for about 3 years, and then I finally got back in touch with my dad. No one in my family knows about what my grandpa did to me to this day. Or what Russell did to me either. This past January I finally broke down and told my best friend what had happened to me, she was so supportive and I thank god for having  such a good friend as her. She is the only person I have ever told about my abuse and it was hard for me to make the words come out to tell her. I will someday tell my mom what happened to me but I can't yet.

She was molested as a child too and I know that if she found out about my grandpa she would be so mad at him and go there, and I don’t think I can deal with her confronting him and everyone in the family knowing. So I will tell her someday when either we move to a different state or sometime after he dies, he is pretty healthy so that will probably be a while before that happens. So I have been silent about this for 13 years.

Being sexually abused has affected my life in many ways. I masturbated for many years, up until earlier this year just like Russell had taught me to do. I remember in 5th or 6th grade sometimes masturbating at least 5 times a day. This year I stopped doing it because as I was trying to come to terms with what happened to me, I realized by doing this to myself I was allowing what he did to me to still have a control over my life. To this day I have a hard time seeing my grandfather, and when I do see him that’s all I can think about, and then I wonder if he’s thinking about the same thing when he sees me.

I also get creeped out when I see some drunk old men when I go to bars with friends, you know the one's that hit on you. Or if I see the same kind of car my first abuser drove which is a Nova. When I was a teenager I drank and did drugs, I haven’t done drugs for about 4 years now and I don’t want to do them ever again. I lost my virginity at 14, with my boyfriend at the time. I have let many men take advantage of me.

By the time I was done with high school I had been with 7 guys. After 3 years in college I had slept with 9 more making my total 17 after I turned 22. It took me up until the past half year to finally REALIZE that I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT. I will no longer be with anyone I am not in a relationship with that only wants that one thing. I always figured that’s just what men wanted, but that is not what I want anymore.  I have finally decided it is time for me to change my life and realize who I am and what I’m worth. I have high hopes for my future and soon I will have my bachelors in psychology and then I will go on for my masters.  I am going to make more out of my life than I have had, and learn from the past.

What happened to me and being silent about it for so many years has really taken a toll on my heart and soul, but I’m finally trying to face it head on and deal with it, and become a better person out of the deal.

"Something has been taken
 From deep inside of me
 A secret I've kept locked away
 No one can ever see
 Wounds so deep they never show
 They never go away
 Like moving pictures in my head
 For years and years they've played" 
 ~ Linkin Park (Easier To Run)

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