I am a survivor. I want to make sure I tell you that first before you read anything else. I have survived childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse as well as rapes. I tell my story to let others who are experiencing, have experienced or will experience these horrific abuses, that there is hope and healing to be found.
The following will be graphic at times, sexual abuse is. So please read with caution as it might be triggering if you are dealing with this now.
***T*** Be Safe
I lived a childhood of incest. Sothis may be hard for some readers. But it is my story, my life, and to help me in healing I am telling it, in my own words. Sometimes my thoughts and memories are fragmented. I even have lots of gaps. So if it sounds like I go back and forth sometimes it is because it might be in my head that way. But to clear it up a bit, the constant theme in my life was my father sexually abusing me from birth until the age of 13. There was always abuse in my life...until about a month ago when my husband left me..so I am freed from the bondage of abuse once and for all!
My earliest memories are of me being 2 yrs old at Holiday Lake and my father doing things to me in the water. He was touching my genitals, coaxing me toward him. I knew what he was doing, he had done it before - this I knew in my soul - it didn't feel like it was a new thing..but just another day. I can remember looking around to see if anyone can see him touching me and trying to get away. But then I block it out. I remember dissociating then...and everytime after that. I believe my abuse started as a baby. It continued everyday .....he would keep me home from school, pay me money, watch me, make me look at bad things, and even did things to me with my mom sitting next to me maybe to just prove how much control and power he had.I am sure he did lots more that i blocked out thankfully.
I remember always wanting to keep my panties on, he would try to test those limits with me, I can remember. I felt secure if I had my panties at least on my legs or ankles..like he didnt' win if I still had them. It never stopped him from molesting me, it just was a weird thing that gave me security I think.
I never knew it was wrong, it was just a part of my life, normal. Until one day in 8th grade my friend told me she was moving away cuz her step dad molested her. I said what's that? and she told me..so i thought and asked her..that's wrong? No wonder i didn't like it. No wonder I felt strange about doing all he asked me to do. But he was my dad, I thought he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me I thought. This is how all daddies treated their daughters. Wasn't it? I didn't know anything else. So I never ran away, or tried to scream, I was programmed from birth to respond in a certain way..I know I would try to avoid it, distract him.So I went home that day from school and when he tried something..I fought him off..well it pissed him off....so he kept fighting and I said I would call 911...he fought and then quit....the next day tried again...we fought and soon he realised I wasn't gonna let him..so he began beating me everyday after that.
My father was also a police officer, very respected..grrr. and very scarey. He tried to strangle me several times. I would get beaten lots. He would always try to intimaidate me. I remember a particular day, which was similar to most days, my mom was coming home from work, walking to the house from the bus stop and she could hear us screaming and fighting. When she came in my father had my by the throat up off my feet pushed up against the pantry door. I was choking. She screamed at us and would just say why are you doing this to me- she was always playing the martyr. She never saved me or protected me or my brother. Somehow she always made it about her.
I left home several times, was very rebellious, did drugs to excape, had eating disorders to gain control, was sexually active because I didn't care about me and figured I was only good for sex anyway. I don't want to go into detail about that- my point is I didn't love myself and no one ever really loved me either.
My mother lived in denial. When my father and I had a big fight one day when i was 15...I tried to shoot myself, shoot him, shoot us all- well I wanted to - I had the gun and everything but I didn't I knew it was foolish. Instead we fought- actually we fought for the gun too, but he hit me so hard in my face that it made me black out. My mother asked me why I hated him so much why was I such an evil b*tch...so I told her to ask him. Well, strangely, he confessed. Allbeit to only just touching me once or twice. She later came into my room after her conversation with him trying to get info out of me. I had taken several pills to just die. I was already loopy from the drugs and knew she was just playing games. I told her that he didn't tell the truth. That there was more, lots more, but she didn't want to hear it. she believed him and never cared for the truth and didnt' do anything about it She told me that we just moved into this house how could we leave now? She said I should have told sooner. She said how would we live without him? SHe asked me what to do. I said for us to move in with my grandmother who loved me so much! But she wouldn't let anyone know she was a failure! She didn't want to ruin the image they had worked so hard to create. so...we never left..and I begged her to ...she said since the sexual abuse wasn't going on while I was 15, we will stay..I never trusted her really after that. I truly resented her. I think I really lost hope in life after that. If she didnt' protect me - then who would? So I didn't care about myself too much after that. I went into any man's arms that would hold me, that would tell me he loved me- and they were horrible.
So I became worse. Even as a kid i tried to kill myself, hurt myself to escape the pain I felt and the pain I couldn't describe and the pain I ran from feeling. I would cut myself, or scratch myself when I was just filled with fear or confusion. And my mom or other family never did anything. Never helped....no teacher helped, no doctor helped no nurse no lawyer - and they all were told by me. No one protected me.
Well at 18 I was hospitalized for anorexia/bulimia and depression, and was in and out of the hospital for a year...was down to 85 pounds. My aunt and uncle asked me to move to Florida and stay with them( I lived in Philly) so I did. I left against medical advise but I figured it couldnt' be any worse. He was a pastor so I figured he would know nothing about my illness so I could keep dieting. But they did show me they cared. After being there a week - I accepted Christ as my Savior, after my uncle presented the gospel to me and then met my husband to be the same day. We married 6 months later and had our son 9 months later. And so began my new life. and it was good..some bumps but good. A major bump was my husband went back to his way of life..drugs, adultery after our son was born..but he went into rehab and was changed I thought. We worked through it I thought. Well, that's another story!
But I never healed from my sexual abuse.I was kinda given the message that since I accepted Christ I was healed, the old has gone the new has come. But I still had unresolved hurts...see I never grieved that part of me, I never felt that pain, I just covered it up or hid it under fat, or starved it or hid it with a smile. I never turned to Christ to heal it for me, I thought I just had to forget it. But it is not something you forget. It is a part of you.
My husband knew all along and was protective of me. But i guess he thought I was past it . He never liked seeing my parents...he did for me because I thought it was the right thing to do and I knew if my father ever hurt me or my son that my husband would prob kill him. So i was never fearful. And they still lived in Philly. So not until they moved down here did I ever give it a second thought. Then when they moved down here I started having nightmares and major flashbacks. So I decided to tell them i was fearful. My mom freaked out saying she would never hurt her grandson and how dare I think she would. My father said he was a good guy and would never hurt anyone. I just said you all hurt me! They made me feel bad for talking to them about it! And so began an off and on relationship for the next 5 years or so.
I told my mother then that they can not have contact with us or my son because my father still thinks he is perfect. So I would have to see major changes before that would happend such as him getting counseling or telling people in the family. Well he didn't and she didn't make him. And then I think out of fear of me telling, I get a call from him saying he is a christian now which didn't make me happy, I figured he was lying so he would not get told on. I spent the next few years trying to see if there was change in him, from what I saw he was still evil and abusive. My son even saw it. So this january I severed ties with them after a huge fight on the phone with my mom about her wanting to tell her pastor that he is a Sexual Abuser. She said she talked to her brother, and she told me he said they don't have to tell anyone. Even thoough they work with children and are not honest to everyone at their church. She said the Pastor said my father doesn't owe me an apology or repentence and I need to get over it!
So I freaked out was very grieved to know that my mother would not care that I am hurting and wanting to heal our family. So I later sent them an email saying that we are severing ties and had a real breakdown, breakthrough and began my healing. That incident is what led me to heal from my previous abuse. I don't know for sure what the conversation was between my mother and her brother, I am now only going to say that this is what she told me. So that is what affected me. But it worked for good for me because I am now whole!
I have also been abused by a childhood babysitter's daughter's. They would make me sleep over and molest me. They would also have me be used by the boys in their neighborhood for sexual things. They would make me let them do stuff to me. The mother who was supposed to be in charge was very mean. We were forced to do weird stuff. When me and my brother finally stopped going there it was because an incident that occured to my brother though it was not sexual. They were mean to him and I was protective of him. Well, my parents didn't believe me when I decided to tell them. My father made me take a lie detector test to prove I was telling the truth. I was in fifth grade I believe. I felt like I was nothing. But I passed. So they did finally take us out of there. But no questions asked if anything else ever happened.
I have also been abused by several men in my family, cousins who I didn't grow up with and lived far away and family friends of my parents. Men who were sick and disgusting. I think my father put that label on me - to be hurt by others. They could tell that I was wounded so it would be easy for them to hurt me also.
I was also raped twice. But never pressed charges. I guess it was because you feel like it is normal at some point. That this is all you are good for. That you are not worth being treated in a loving way. This is the only "love" that you know and are used to.
Today I know of a different love. A real love. A love that heals. A love that is unconditional. A love that is true. Jesus loves me like no other could. He sustains me and has fought for me and has never left me. When others left me or wouldn't call me when I hurt while I was healing. Jesus never did. When I wanted to kill myself, Jesus was there to tell me who I was in Him and how much worth I had. Jesus has been my healer. I went back and grieved for the little girl who was never heard. She is heard now! SHE is not ashamed because she has done nothing wrong. I learned that I had to do somethings to cope as a child and teen, and it was ok, I had to in order to survive. I felt the pain of abuse and walked through it. I know I will probably have other memories come up, but I know how to heal them now. I know I am safe and worthy of life! I know none of it was my fault. I always felt like I was born bad - that I was evil like my mom said and that is why I was always abused by people. But I am not evil.
I am a wonderful, loving, and giving woman who deserves to be loved whole heartedly and cherished.
I am a SURVIVOR! I will keep on surviving.
"For all these years you've protected the seed.
It's time to become the flower."