SURVIVING THE MEMORIES SITE FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

LINDSAY'S STORY

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Damaged by Plumb

Hi, my name is Lindsay. I am 18 and attend the UW-Whitewater.
 
To tell you a little about what happened to me, well my oldest brother began raping me when I was 7 years old. He didn't stop raping me until I was 15 years old. Throughout that time period he had raped me over 1,642 times. Besides raping me, he had also forced me to perform oral sex on him. I am no longer in counseling for different reasons. Although I want/need to be in counseling.
I just told my parents the end of my senior year of highschool. I have a hard time telling my parents my feelings so they think that I am over it and nothing is wrong with me. I have been asked a couple of times if I was suicidal, and I am not. I just need help.

So many people tell me that it is not my fault, but I still don't believe it in my heart. I wish I could but I can't. I have so many questions I want to ask my brother, but I can't. I am afraid of what the outcome might be.

I am really scared and nervous to do this, and I don't know how far I will get without breaking down so I might have to save some for another day.

My life was perfect, I had everything a child could want and more. That is until I turned 7. Some say 7 is their lucky number, well 7 is the age that I found out what hell was like. When I turned 7, my oldest brother Philip who was 12 at the time, began raping me.
 
I remember so many nights crying my eyes out.

He would come into my room about 1 or 2 when everyone was sleeping. He made sure of that. He would come in and I would be sleeping. All the sudden I would feel someone else in the bed with me. I got scared, because I didn't know who it was. He started unbuttoning his pants. I gripped onto my covers, because I didn't know what was happening. He was much stronger than me even though he was only 12. So he ripped the covers off me, and began pulling down my pajama bottoms. I twist and turned to make it harder but he just grew stronger and stronger.
 
Nothing seemed to work.

After he undressed me, I started to cry. He put his hand over my mouth and told me to shut up, otherwise he would hurt me more. He started out by touching me down there, and then he began to rape me. Each time I cried louder he would force it in harder and faster. I would keep scooting up in bed so it wouldn't hurt, but he just pushed harder and harder.

He had me lay in different positions and he also forced me to have oral sex with him. I was so sickened by this, I just wanted to throw up.

After this night, it became his ritual. He would come into my room every other night and do the same thing over and over. I know one night I was crying so hard, he started to choke me because I wouldn't stop crying. He told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me. So I acted like nothing happened.

Most of the time he raped me in my room, but I know once he raped me in his room, and once when we were visiting my grandparents in Wisconsin before we moved up here.

After 9 years and over 1,642 times of being raped, I am finally free from him. Atleast for a couple years. Philip is currently in prison for stabbing my sisters ex boyfriend. He will be getting out in 3 1/2 years, and will be moving up here.

I will have to face him sooner or later, but I don't know if I can.

This is just a bit of my story that I have just remembered. I don't know why all these memories are just coming back, but I wish they weren't.

I was really young. I don't remember how old I was. I remember my sister, my oldest brother (rapist) and I went to the woods to play. Well my sister left my brother and I alone. I never told anyone this and it's really hard to say this, but I feel like i have to. I can't turn back now, it's too late. My brother started to take off my jeans. Remember we are in the woods where noone is around. He continue to undress himself as well. I was so scared. I tried to scream but nothing came out. It was silent. I thought to myself it's not use screaming anyways, no one would here us all the way back here.

My brother raped me. He raped me for like 30 minutes. During the time he was raping me, I felt dead. Like I was outside of my body. His weight was bearing on me, but I didn't feel anything. I was dead. I wasn't inside my own body, I had escaped it in my head.

When he was done, I had to walk back with him to the house. I didn't want to be near him at all, but I had no choice. I felt so trapped. He acted like nothing ever happened.

I just remember another time that he raped me. I was swimming by myself and he came in. I knew he was going to try to hurt me, but I didn't want to believe it, so I didn't. Well all the sudden he grabs me, and sits me on his lap.

Now we are outside and everyone is outside doing things, and philip and I are in the swimming pool. Anyways, it's hard to explain how he was able to rape me. But he pulled my bathing suit to the side. The part by my vagina.

Well he continue to rape me in the swimming pool. I begged and I pleaded for him to stop, but he wouldn't. This went on for like 45 minutes. I didn't know why anyone didn't see what was going on. They could tell I was sitting on his lap, why didn't anyone come and stop him.

I don't know why I am remembering this now. Maybe because Christmas is close and it has to do with Christmas.

It was Christmas Eve. I shared a room with my younger sister. We were in her bed together, because we were talking and just having fun. Well it we both fell asleep in her bed. Well I heard the door open and I saw my brother walk in. He started to go up the steps of the bunk bed. He must have saw me in Hanna's bed. I tried to lay as still as I could so he wouldn't see me. It didn't help. It seemed like nothing helped.

He didn't care where I was as long as he got what he wanted. He proceeded to rape me in my sister's bed with her in it. How sick and twisted is that. I am more angry at him for raping me with her in the same bed and raping me in HER bed than I am about just being raped.

As I look back now, I just remmeber how sick and twisted he got when he raped me. he could have raped me in my bed like he normally did, but no. I guess he wanted to try something different. I dont know what he was thinking.

Christmas will never be the same for me. Ever since he raped me that Christmas Eve, I have been so scared that he is going to rape me again, even if I know he doesn't live up here. Either way each Christmas eve I get raped. I get raped in my dreams. I don't think there will be another happy Christmas for the rest of my life. He took the joy out of Christmas.

I have all these horrible memories from those nine years of my life. Since the first night he began raping me, to the last day he raped me, I didn't sleep at all. I would stay awake all night or until three or four in the morning. I knew than he wouldn't come in at that time. I remember every night, hiding in my small closet behind the clothes. I would stay in there until around four in the morning. Most of the time I fell asleep in the closet, because I was so physically and emotionally tired.

One night however, he almost found me. I felt him touching around behind the clothes. The fear rose in me. I didn't know what would happen if he would have found me.

I also remember hiding in my younger brother's bedroom too, because Philip never went in there. My little brother used to sleep with my parents, so I would go in there, and hide under his bed. I remember getting so cold but I was so scared to stay in my room because I didn't know if that night was going to be another with the rapist. Hiding in his bedroom wasn't as successful as my closet. One night, I thought it was safe to go back to my room. I opened up the door and Philip was standing there waiting for me. I knew then that I was in trouble.

He threw me onto my little brother's bed and began his nightly ritual of undressing himself and I. He began to force his penis into my vagina, but something happened. I found the strength to wiggle free. From there I ran to the bathroom, and locked the door. I knew I would be safe only in there. I held the door locked for atleast three or four hours, scared that he might pick the lock.

I remember sleepin on the cold hardwood floor of the bathroom until 4:30 in the morning. I was so stiff the next day that I could hardly walk. But at least I didn't get raped that night.

I remember one night I went to check if his light was on, becuase that is how I would know if he was going to rape me or not. Well it was on. When I went to go back to my room I saw him sitting on the couch. I ran to the other living room and hid behind a chair. I thought I was safe but I wasn't.

He found me and grabbed me by the arm. He dragged me through the living room into the kitchen. I grabbed the stove and yelled for mom. No one came. I was left there to face Philip by myself. He grew stronger as he grew angrier. He continued dragging me through the other living room. He then forced me to climb the stairs to his dungeon. When we got to his room he layed down on
the bed. He then forced me on top of him. He also raped me anally that night as well like every other time he raped me.

Another night I remember that he came into my room and started raping me. He stopped in the middle and said that I have a choice. He said either I could let him f*ck me or I could suck his penis. Each one made me want to gag. I chose to suck. During the whole time I just wanted throw up. it didn't satisfy him. Even though I did that, he still raped me vaginally and anally.

Being raped every other night was not something I planned to happen during my life at all. I guess God thought that I could handle it, but sometimes the flashbacks and panic attacks are so severe, I just don't have any faith. I didn't want to be raped over 1,642 times.
 
Dear Journal,
He still continues to rape me every other night. I really wish there is something I could do to change what is happening to me but I feel so hopeless. My childhood is taken from me. I have nothing to live for anymore. I feel so used and dirty. I keep asking myself, did I do something to bring this on myself? Do I deserve to be raped over and over again by my own brother? Am I to blame for his sick and perverted actions? I feel totally responsible for everything that is happening to me? Will he ever stop raping me or will it go on forever? I have so many questions and no answers. I probably won't get any answers anytime soon. Philip will probably never tell me why he is raping me so much. Maybe it is a good thing that don't know...

Why does Philip want to rape me and not someone else? What is so special about me, or should I say what is wrong with me? Is it because I am the youngest and he knows that I can't fight back?
 
God give me the strength to make it through this.

~Lindsay~


Some days are better than others, but others are horrendous. I have so many flashbacks it's not funny anymore. I have such a hard time sleeping even though I know he is jail, and we are now in Wisconsin. However, that doesn't change anything to me. I still can't sleep at night, because I am to scared that something might happen while I am sleeping.

I hate having all my memories of my past being that just of all the countless rapes. I try not to think about it all, but something like this is to hard not to think about. Especially when it happens to you. I always said it would never happen to me.

I remember one time, I had surgery on my left arm because I had to have two metal pins put in, so I thought I was gonig to get a break from being raped. Well, unfortunately, that didn't stop Philip. He continued to rape me even when I had the surgery. He didn't care.

Another time we were visiting our grandparents in New Berlin. Then I thought I was going to get a break from being raped. Well, one day I was down in the basement, in my granddad's office watching the television. All the sudden, I feel Philip put his arms around my waist. He began to unbutton my jeans. I tried to talk him out of it, but nothing worked. So on the floor of my granddad's office Philip raped me. How sick and wrong is that.

Just like Christmas Eve. I was sleeping with my sister because we were talking and having fun. Well Philip came in and saw that I was in her bed. He still raped me. He didn't care if she was in the bed or not.

Philip has caused me so much pain and he doesn't even realize it. I have hidden my true colors for so long. Practically all my life I have put on a front. I didn't tell anyone what happened to me when I was younger. For one, I was too embarrassed to tellanyone, and secondly, I didn't know how to tell them.

No one knew what had happened to me, because I had to act like nothing happened. I did this, because of Philip. I didn't want him to hurt me anymore than he already did. I had to put on a front, because after everytime he raped me, he acted like nothing ever happened the next day and I was aftraid that I I told them, they wouldn't believe me because Philip is older than me.

It may seem easy to you, but acting like someone you aren't is very exhausting. It takes all your energy from you. I had to put on a front for eleven years. This year I decided to open up.
 
I couldn't take it any longer.
 
The pain of holding everything in was horrendous. From the time I would get home from school until it was time for dinner I would stay in my room. I didn't want to be around anyone. I just wanted to be by myself. It was much easier that way. Otherwise, I would have to act like someone I wasn't. Most of all, I had to act like I was happy with who I was.

The truth is, I hated myself. I just wanted to be someone I wasn't Someone happier than myself. Most ofall I wanted to be someone who had never gotten raped before so I could be normal.
 
Who I was wasn't normal.
 
I felt out of place. I felt like someone who didn't belong inthe family, because of what happened to me.

I had held in my dark secret for far too long. I knew I had to tell somone, but how and when. I had no clue where to start. I thought to myself, well maybe if I keep a secret long enough than it would just go away. Boy was I wrong. That was the hardest slap in the face that I have ever gotten.

Now, I have severe panic attacks, continuous flashbacks, PTSD, and SI.
Everytime I try to sleep I feel him.
Everything is so real.
 
I am freshman at the University of Wisconsin Whitewater.
 
I am petrified to go outside alone.
I am scared to sleep. I am triggered by everything. I have to live in a box.
Even if I did really live in a box, there would still be something that would trigger me.

I have such wonderful friends who truly care. My major is Social Work. I would like to work with other teens who have been sexually abused. That is what I am going to do with such a horrible experience. I am currently in therapy now. So hopefully that will help me.
 
That is my story.

“I know it’s all wrong.  By right we shouldn’t  even be here, but we are.  It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered, full of darkness and danger they were.  And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy?  How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?  But in the end, it’s only a passing thing.  This shadow, even darkness must pass.  A new day will come.  And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer.  These are the stories that stayed with you and meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.  Mr. Frodo, I do understand.  I know folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t.  They kept going because they were holding on to something: that there’s something good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”
~Sam (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
 
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