SURVIVING THE MEMORIES SITE FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

CARRIE'S STORY

 
My name is Carrie and I'm 27 years old.
 
I'd say approximately 7/8 years ago a friend of mine told me that my step-father had been over to her house (our families are friends w/ each other) and he'd been drinking. 
 
Well they got talking about parenting because she was a new mom at that time and he said that he wasn't the best parental figure for me.  She said "I know" and I guess he just figured that she knew everything and started spilling his guts out to her. 
 
You see the way I was manipulated was to think everything was a dream and not real.  As a child I grew up scared to go to sleep and I remember tucking my covers underneath me so if anyone moved them I'd feel it, but I don't remember who would have been the one to move them. 
 
So I doubted myself that anything like that could have happened, especially from someone that was nice enough to step in and be my father when my real father just walked away from his family. 
 
Anyways, so he told her everything (basically that it started when he met my mom, I was 2 until we saw an after school special - age 9 - about good touch/bad touch), and said that he'd planned to have me think everything was a dream so if I ever said anything it could be attributed to that. 
 
She did not know how to approach me with this and after about 6 months she told me.  Well it took awhile to process that blow and I am just now beginning therapy and talking about what happened. 
 
I don't have a ton of memories, some memories of my legs being pushed apart and his fingers touching me and some other memories that are what they call "body memories," where I just feel sick to my stomach. 
 
It's been pretty difficult for me, but I am working on healing one step at a time.

"I'd like to add some beauty to life," said Anne dreamily. "I don't exactly want to make people know more...though I know that is the noblest ambition...but I'd love to make them have a pleasanter time because of me...to have some little joy or happy thought that would never have existed if I hadn't been born."
~Anne of Avonlea
 
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