SURVIVING THE MEMORIES SITE FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

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My Poetry

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A Memorial Page

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MY POETRY

Untitled
She scribbles and writes but nothing comes out.
Crumbles of paper with empty words line the floor where she is knelt.
Imaginations, drawings, and words creased and crumbled as her life nods to agree.
Her mind feeling empty yet full of so many thoughts,
Thoughts that chase her and scream through the night,
Yet too lost to find the exit.
The past and the pain halting at the tip of her pen,
She can't get it out, it is hidden within.
Tears shine from her eyes, but there is no time for it.
Instead she focuses and refocuses on her dreams and goals,
Yet feeling slighted by childhood thoughts & imaginations.
Her drawings in her mind just sketches as they begin a rough draft,
Wishing that she could force the pen to show her pain and memories,
The ink a blur as her tears have blinded them,
Foreverness caught on the fading whiteness of that piece of paper.
Left to dry, left to bleed.
GONE FOREVER...
The tears pool into her eyes,
Not knowing next what may materialize.
As they cascade down her thin and pale cheeks,
She gazes in the mirror at herself wondering exactly where she has
been these last few weeks..?
Is the damage done and unrepairable?
As nothing in this world could be at all compairable.
The knowledge of one soul and one mind,
The emotions hidden away,
Never for her or anyone to attempt to find.
Everyday living has left her this way,
She doesn't even think it will matter if she drops to her knees and
prays.
The struggles she is faced with forcing her to turn around,
Scarred for life innocence never again to be found.
The Colors
As my sanity drips the colors of the rainbow,
I see red,blue,green and yellow.
They melt together as one,
They hide the coolness of the moon and warmth of the sun.
They glide over what i feel,
They brighten my world and not make this all too real.
Dancing in the red,
Hides me from my dread.
Laying in the green,
Paints my world and the scene.
Smiling at the yellow,
Makes me utterly mellow.
Hiding in the blue,
Helps me to forget all about you.

The Little Brass Box
She opens up her little box one day,
Shes so tired and sick of life.
The box made of brass and shining as if new,
Deep inside it has a velvety touch of blue.
A little ballerina as all do,
She has a mirror to look at when she is through.
The little box places music of shine and music of dark,
It opens up her heart in places love cant reach and leaves the ever so dim spark.
She smiles when she sees the dancer begin her harmony,
For this was bought only for she.
Shes beautiful just like the dancer deep inside,
But she cant seem to see it, all she wants to do is hide.
The ballerina bows to the crowd,
She watches in delight and is so very proud.
She claps her hands with each beat,
She is so happy and cant feel any defeat.
Her life is so shallow,
But to watch her and this little box only makes her head shine a bright and sparkling hallow.
She gentley slides the little brass box upon her stand,
Glides away and pretends to reach for its hand.
Bows to her imaginary crowd,
In her ears they are cheering so loud.
Ever so slightly she begins to prance,
Thanks God for this little brass box and she begins a slow dance
Fragile
Feelings run deep, i am scared inside.
My awakeness has come, im frozen outside.
No expressions of pain, irrtitation is high.
I tempt myself to anger, i walk away and sigh.
Im stuck with my words, emotions that run deep,
Nightmares, daydreams that chase me in the day and my sleep.
I have questions to ask many people, each person i see,
Please let this pain leave me, just fucking let me be.
It wont though, im stuck with this,
Pluck me away like giving a flower a kiss.
A breath of freshness and love so gold,
I feel fragile, very old.
I have anguish and sadness i cant pin point,
Im stuck drinking yet id rather smoke a blunt or a joint.
Fade away in the night, yet stand away while full of fright.
I dont care for this feeling anymore,
My heart has been heavy and so sore.
Tears have stained my little face,
Pain and sorrow has covered me in lace.
I need to get through this irritation, anger, fear of me,
I need that flower to kiss, shade, to help me be free
Did I?
Did i ever say this didnt hurt?
Then why am i burning up inside.....
Did i ever tell you that i felt lonely and scared?
Probally not for fear of rejection...
Did i ever tell you i was attracted as hell to them?
Now it makes me sick....
Did i ever listen to you, really listen to you?
I feel deaf even to my own words...
Did i ever tell you i loved you so damn much?
I do..
Why did i say i didnt cry?
When the rain is pouring in my heart...
Did i ask for this?
Maybe i did then again maybe i didnt...
Did i tell you that im good real good at pushing people away?
Then so scared to be alone...
Did i tell you that trust is a huge ass issue for me?
To tell you i guess i would have to trust you.....right?
Did i tell you that i felt like a rotten friend?
Who deserves to feel alone and lost...
Did i ever say i wish this would all end?
Well i mean it.....
Did i ever tell you that i dont feel safe at all?
Im jumpy as shit, lost in my own skin...
Did i ever tell you that i feel like noone cares about me?
Forever stuck with this feeling...
Did i ever mention that i wasnt worth it?
Am i? I dont think i am...
Did i tell you that i feel lost?
As if i walked off the healing path..misfooted somewheres...
Have i told you that i feel smothered?
To the point breathing is not a necessity now but a choice...
Is it possible to tell that i am not in the right state of mind right now?
Im not...
Did i ever admit that i am insecure?
Very much so i am...
Did i ever tell you that i wish i was a child again?
A life rewinded i wish were possible...
Did i tell you that i was losing faith?
Losing myself in this race...
Did i tell you how f*cked up i really am?
I probally have...
Did i tell you that my mind is spinning and doing somersaults?
I am in a daze...
Have i told you.....?  
Did i ever.......?  
Can you imagine if i did.....?
My Mask
Empty thoughts and bottomless dreams,
Nothing is good,
Nothing is what it seems.
That smile on my face is touched with dirt,
Underneath that sparkle in my eyes,
Lays tons of hurt.
My laughter in my own ears,
Is the hiding behind a waterfall of tears.
That hug i give is much received,
That shrug i show,
I feel deceived.
A pattern i am forming again,
A mask that never left my face,
It has there always been.
Will it ever stop?
As pain slowly drains her soul,
She is deep,
Dirt covering her like a blanket where she lies in a hole.
Her brain is tired as is she,
She is whimpering,
But noone hears her pleas.
Tears trace her face and glisten,
She is thinking of her hurt and the life that she is missin'.
A fork in the road she once did see,
She took the wrong one,
The other one must have been for the free?
She has scrutinized and analyzed it all to the very last drop,
Why wont this end?
Will it ever stop?
I cant.....
Prison
Shadows peak in and out of her vision,
She has slowly yet again been launched into her very own prison.
A cell that wreaks of piss and shame,
A place where she is not known by her name.
A number, faceless to all that see,
Freedom forbidden,
She will never be totally free.
Madness
I close my eyes and feel so much madness,
I am being held down by this ever growing sadness.
Stuck in yet another freaking pit,
I cant stand this!
I just want to say i have had it, this is it.
But to do that is to be weak and worn,
I feel like i am wrapped around by a rose,
Seeing the beauty but poked to death by thorns.
Blood drips slowly down my spine,
I am in a whirlwind,
I am not divine.
A useless tool on this earth,
Let me start over,
Take me back to my birth
Urges
Anger is my punishment,
Hatred just cant relent.
It smothers me and makes me see red,
Makes me want to pound them in the head.
Punish them like that have done me,
Yet that feling will never make me free.
It may lift me up for just that second,
But the feeling will call to me again,
I will beckon.
Tremors of urges ripping through my mind,
Everything doing a little rewind.
Visualizing and analyzing every waking moment,
Remembering the days all was sent.
Where is she?
Her dance is a flutter,
So quick and so steep.
Her memories are forever,
They are for keeps.
To vanish them will not be,
To jump off a cliff,
She will never be free.
She will burn in ash at her own hands,
She is built and rooted in this dark land.
Clouds shift and thrust into her vision,
Hate, love, and trust blind her...
There is a collision.
They slam into one another so whole in deed,
She is forgotten by now,
Time walks yet she has not been freed.
Stupid thoughts
She is trapped in the midst of her own very hell,
She is sucker punched,
Breathless.
Cant speak and she cannot tell.
Many visions float though her head,
Deep down inside she wishes she was dead.
Gone from this world and cold,
Forver young not ever old.
She is floating like a shadow in the dark,
Stuck in this,
No light, no damn spark.
A hello, i love you, a goodbye,
Deep down she wishes that she did die. 
Shaded By The Sun
She continually gets home and looks across the street,
She looks at the future she did not meet.
She hid away from it and died,
She picked herself up and tried.
Many things she has been through,
All of this was because of all of you.
You look at her with disgust, lust, and hate,
She looks away begging for a totally different fate.
Old with 50 million cats,
Married and never leaving the place where it is she is at.
No matter the thought anything is better than this,
All of these feelings she wishes she bypassed,
Wishes she missed.
An arrow shot and hitting her heart,
Tremors of blood rip her apart.
The past is gold and yet so dark,
The future so forsaken,
Yet brightened with a spark.
She sees more coming to an end,
She sees the loss of another friend.
Hug her and hold her for she is done,
She is laying down,
Shaded by the sun.
You Did Nothing Wrong
Life is great,
You see the memories,
Yet you feel fate.
You feel the love,
The tears that cloud you,
It doesnt matter you feel it all from above.
The heavens dancing to your dreams,
Nothing at all is what it may seem.
The pain may glide throughout your soul,
You may feel all alone within that hole.
But your not, not alone.
You may feel like to this shit you are prone.
It happends as shit does,
You were not the cause.
Pain
She wakes up one day,
She cant get on her scared knees to pray.
Hurting inside and out,
She is sick of this feeling,
What the hell is it about?
How can she feel good then like shit?
How can she feel heavenly then feel like she is dreaming in a pit.
Hallucinations they are called.
Shes crying and lost,
This is f*cking bull shit,
A f*cked up cost.
To party and drink,
She really needs to think.
Shes stupid and not smart,
It hurts.....
Dizzy
My vision is hazy,
Its hard to see.
My heart is churning,
What happend to me?
My compass is broke and i am without a map,
I am lost for good,
Shouldnt look back.
The trail to where i now am,
Is covered with snow,brush, not visible.
No tracks of any of my steps,
I am lost and forsaken,
I have forgotten my tracks.
Dizziness takes over me being,
I am unconscious now,
I dont know what i am seeing.
Dont look this way
I am not there,
So do not cry,
I am not a part of that mist in your eyes.
Forget me now as i was forgotten then,
Try to think that this may have always been.
Do not hold memories to your heart,
Let the winds hold you together,
Do not fall apart.
I am the waves crashing the beach,
I drift away,
I am out of reach.
I am the sun blazing into your face,
I am next to you when you kneel and when you say grace.
I am a thought so let it fade,
I am your shadow,
I live in the shade.
I am the moon showing nothing but light,
I have danced away,
For i am full of fright.
Overcome With Pain
As pain drowns through my heart,
Mindless thoughts and visions tear me apart.
Drowning in my sorrow,
Staring at the clock begging for tomorrow.
Waves crashing into me,
I am staring at the skies,
I need to be free.
I shake and tremble inside,
Fear is taking me over,
I am starting to abide.
I am scared to death of this thought,
Letting him win was not what i was taught.
As unconsiousness takes over my brain,
Overcome with sadness,
Overcome with pain.
Hurting Inside
The Anguish sheltered by my crying tears,
As i look back at all the years.
I still ask why did this have to be?
Many days and nights go by that i still cant see.
I still want answers and have many questions of why.
I am blinded by the truth, it is so clear.
How has it been so many years?
I dont know what to do with this anxiety i feel.
It just doesnt seem at all that real.
I try to look back and imagine things different,
But what i see is a life practically spent.
I am saddened its true,
I dont know what to do.
Its affecting my life and those around me,
I just that through the tears i may once again regain my vision,
Be able to see.
A life that has been through hell and back,
Eyes that have seen tons, nothing lacks.
The Wind
I love the wind.....
It carries me away time after time.
To a place of love and a place of rememborance.
To childhood days of tic tac toe and hopscotch.
To days of lullabys and gentle tears,
To a place where mom and dad always blew away my fears.
To a time when we sat around the tv in sleepingbags.
To a time i thought i would never grow up,
To me time dragged.
To go back to that time i wish.
A memory of days lost,
To grow up was such a cost.
Now i am trying to blow back to that time,
I love the wind,
Such a silly rhyme.
To Love Lost
The angels whisper as love surrounds,
The teensiest noise very profound.
Their footsteps utter the faintest hush,
Never heard through our daily rush.
To get by through our daily journey,
We never do see all their worth and their glory.
The drops of their dust as that patter through the sky,
Their invisible to us and to the eye.
A hug of love and a hug of touch,
To all that we forever will miss so much.
Dying Inside
Shes scared, its been awhile.
She hasnt dipped in her soul in some time.
Her words are like acid that burn those that touch them, including she.
Her thoughts are morbid, noone understands, she is alone with HE.
He does as he pleases and leaves her in dust.
Remorsed and swollen feeling no lust.
She is scared of her thoughts, trys to run away but is glued to where she is, she cant stay.
Hurt melting her heart,
Pain anguishing her soul,
Lost in a trance of words floating by,
Memories hitting her hard in the brain,
She is the only one by her side,
For she is dying inside.
Goodbye
Lonesome days and terrifying nights,
Too may cries and broken out fights.
Names being slung and thrown,
True colors of each person opening up and being shown.
Images passing through each eye,
Walking away,
Head hung low with a deep sigh.
Pain unimaginable for each to show,
So many cons yet so many pros.
Door closes as each says goodbye,
No waves, no hugs,
No tears,No frowns,
Just a goodbye.
The Chair,The Ceiling, The Rope
Standing in the middle of the room wonder what to do next,
Looking left and right and knowing im alone.
The chair sits in the middle of the room,
The rope and noose hang from the ceiling high.
Now is the day, it is time to die.
Panic errupting my soul with need,
Overturning and overtaking everyones greed.
Slowly gliding towards the cliff,
Looking up and looking down into hells pit.
To jump is a secret,
To jump is a regret.
Slowly putting one leg up on the chair,
Goosebumps all around and the standing of hair.
It creaks somehow knowing whats going on,
But doesnt say a word and acts like nothings going to happend.
Balancing thyself and holding on tight,
Brain developing daze and body tremoring with fright.
Eye sockets bulging as a could overtakes,
Memories forever making her shake.
Pulling the last leg up onto the wood,
Hasnt yet wondered what she is doing and if she should?
Looking up to the ceiling and seeing the rope,
She doesnt know if she can make it doesnt know if she wants to cope??
She slowly fondles the rope with her fingers,
Hoping that if she does this no more pain will linger.
She takes the rope and puts it around her neck,
What is she worth?
She figures what the heck...
Tightens the noose upon her lovely neck,
She hasnt even remembered that her faith now needs to be in check.
She teeters the chair a litttle left and a little right,
Closes her eyes and remembers that night.
The chair loses balance as does she,
All this was brought on by he.
Life flashing through her mind,
Its going fast and does a little bit of rewind.
To a time when life loved her
And she loved life.
She is trying escape as she is falling now,
She is trying to leave sick of feeling so low.
As the chair passes by her sight,
She closes her eyes and sees only the dark of night.
The cracking of the rope and ceiling like a whip,
Sparking through life smiling as her neck does a flip.
A loud crack and spark from afar,
The rope didnt hold but grabbed her hand instead so far.
She didnt check the rope before her little leap,
As she lays on the floor, in a shaking heap.
Looking up to the high,
Lifes reminders surrounder her and flying on by.
Peace of the day setting in,
Layer there and surcumbing.
If this cant go right,
She guess she has to stay,
But for now she feels drugged as this is where for now she will continue to lay.
Why?
Why does time stop?
Why does it just plain freeze?
As if put on pause...
Why do the tears stay inside?
Why does my heart feel overwelmed with sadness?
Why wont it leave, why cant i just hide??
Why must I or anyone carry this pain?
Why when i look into the mirror, sleep, drink, laugh, must i feel in vain?
Why do i think it was my fault?
Why do i feel like dust on the earth?
Easily swept, forever hurt...
Why do i feel in constant torture?
Why is my smile and laugh,
My defense, a built in structure....
Why did this happend?
Why did this happend again?
Why wont it go away?
How do i make it go away?
Why cant i talk about it?
Why do i feel like a burden?
Why do i want to scream to be heard?
When if i even speak softly i still am...
Why do i have to keep talking about this?
Why do i have urges to SI myself?
Why do i sometimes let those urges take me over?
Why do i feel like people are trying to leave my side?
Why cant i forget the past?
Why didnt i say NO the first time?
Probally cause when i did it didnt matter....
Why do i feel the need to drink so much?
Why is it i can speak of my feelings better when plastered?
Why do i feel like i am not needed?
Why do i feel like i dont give people enough?
Why did i turn down an offer of drugs tonight?
Why do i wish i didnt?
Why do i still have the urge to go back to those days?
Why did i try to ax myself years ago?
Why can i overly relate?
Why do i torture myself with these questions?
Why cant i just be perky like so many others in this world?
Why am i lost?
Why am i confused?
Why do i hurt?
Why do i have panic attacks?
Why do i have to totally refeel everything once again?
Why do i have flashbacks?
Its not like i dont see it in my head enough as is....
Why do some people get through this easier?
Why am i dwelling?
Why cant i just drop it and just be?
Why does it have such a hold on me?
Why cant i stop asking questions?
Why am i writing this?
There are no answers....
A Swift Visual
I swam  swiftly,
While drowning quickly.
I ran fastly,
All the while tripping easily.
Now I am staggering yet crawling,
Shaking yet not bawling.
Followed around by madness that overcomes me,
Blinded by the lights that show me.
Its Over
Sparks of light,
Triggers a fright.
The soul screaming,
The mind stuck dreaming.
Heart pierced and hollow,
The throat can not swallow.
Eyes half open yet shut,
Fingers bleeding from trying to crawl out of this rut.
Legs shaking from the weight,
Memories recalling those two dates.
Ears deaf to any sound,
The shadows hiding, even they do not want to be around.
Lungs empty, no air to breathe.
Hidden
Corruption yet again begins to melt her heart.
Big surprise, shes used to be scraped apart.
A fight leaves her depressed and in a shell,
She feels like she is hanging over the fire of hell.
Water scalds over her body fast,
Forget being first in line for happiness,
She is always last.
Hit and slapped across the barrier,
Her breath is coming short,
Everything looks so much scarier.
She is alone as she types,
Laughter all around her,
So much hype.
In a corner she basks away,
In the dark she plans now to stay.
Kaleidescope
My life is like a kaleidescope,
Full of pictures and memories,
Full of fear and hope.
It drops in sunshine and a bit of rain,
It showers me with happiness yet tons of pain.
It shows me pictures of once before,
Memories of screaming,
Of revenge and evening out the score.
It is subtle when it dances in its colors,
Lots of blue and lots of black,
Lots of sparks make me shutter.
It is all swift yet gets real old,
The structure of it is made of pure gold.
Yet the inside shows of hate and hell,
Times of so much pain it is too hard to yell.
Happiness confused by the drifting of sounds,
My kaleidescope keeps me standing firmly on the ground.
Just forget
Poems ripping from her heart,
She is  a bare thought,
Inside is being tortured yet torn apart.
She pushes and pushes and succeeds still,
She is a drug,
An addiction, a pill.
Drop her like a habit that breaks,
Drop her from your mind,
No more shakes.
No more worries to much,
No more going on a hunch.
Just forget her for good,
She is lost,
She has so you should.
The Devil's Lair
She closes her eyes,
Looks for herself.
Herself is hidden in a corner,
Crying and sighing her eyes out.
She tries to dance within her,
But comes a foot away.
Not allowed.
Doesnt allow much.
She cannot touch.
Has to be tough, Has to be strong.
She cannot look within herself.
If she attempts she sees a scare,
That makes her shake,
She grows and swings towards the devil's lair.
He is hot and striking gold,
No worries on becoming old.
Stuck in the heat,
Stuck in the memories of each meet. 
Just me...
As the pain begins to slow,
I start little by little,
Start to grow.
Mistakes made when i thought of noone,
Tears shook when i stared blindly at the sun.
Trust gone and through,
When all i dream is about you two.
I am messed up with all imagination,
I can not add it all,
It is all a fraction.
A part of myself that is not gold,
A part of me that pushed me to grow old.
I am forever stuck in the ground,
I feel no love,
Noone's ever around.
Disguised
A slow breakdown,
you can feel it even as you smile,
The hidden frown.
The pain dealt in your heart,
The pain forever tearing you apart.
You need to be loved,
Yes you need to be alone.
Just a little shove...
Your hurt so deep,
But not so far that you cant feel it in your sleep.
May sleep like a fossil,
Dead and forgotten,
But still cant forget of what is now and what was then.
Dreaming sweet melodies,
Dreaming of being free.
But isnt that your job with your name?
Everything is suppose to be so tame.
You are disguised and hidden,
Admitting your life to you is forbidden.
Thoughts...
Trust broken,
Truth forsaken.
All is hidden,
Pain forbiden.
Not real,
Truth reveals.
Stupid shit,
Laying in a pit.
F*cked up nature,
Standing like a fixture.
Waxed and cleaned,
Nowhere to lean.
Is afraid to,
Feeling truly blue.
Lost in thoughts,
Lost cant reach,
This is the end... 
Take Me Away
Take me to place of gold,
A place where time doesnt matter,
A place where i will not grow old.
Take me to the sea of love,
A place just like the heavens above.
Clouds thickening the skies,
A place where noone wants or worries that they will die.
A town that time froze in,
A place where noone feels the sickening welts of anothers sin.
A cabin in the woods so hidden by trees,
A place where one jumps,
They fly, they are free.
Torn Apart
Torment pounding through her head,
She remembers so many times when this all hurt,
When she once wished she was dead.
Now she is just struggling with every single breath,
She is here to stay,
Cant even fathom death.
Her memories cutting and scraping her brain,
She has dropped on her knees,
Tons of harm she is receiving from the pelting, sword like rain.
It drives itself into her heart,
She has had it she is torn apart.
Blind Feelings
Shes crying and screaming,hurting so bad,
She is in turmoil and hiding,feeling so sad.
Her head pounds each every lasting thought,
She is drowning,
It is air that is being so very muchly sought.
Her memories cascading down her face,
Tears so many that there is no trace.
The wrenching of the heart go wild in deed,
She can not reach out,
She can not allow this need.
She closes her eyes and trys to forget her fright,
Jumps into the abyss,
Turns away from the light.
Trying and Trying
Trying and trying to get rid of this pain,
Alcohol greedingly feeding itself into my veins.
Nothing left, no measured fright,
Seeings and feelings of those gruesome nights.
My brain feeling woozy and a little far away,
Alcohol depressing as i remember getting ready for that day.
Demons dance into my sight,
The poison blinding me with light.
The bottle bares and is empty at last,
Im falling asleep,
This all happend way too fast. 
Thoughts and Emotions
I am in darkness,
I am feeling ill.
Im looking for that survivors will.
I feel sick,
I am ill at ease.
If i yell stop, do i have to say please?
I feel hopeless and in despair.
I dont know how much more i can endure.
Please show me some sort of remedy, something of a cure.
Sad On The Inside
I duck and hide,
from this pain,
it echoes through the thunder and rain.
I sleep and dream,
pretend nothing is what it actual seems,
I know nothing for its mistaken.
A dream that the hand can not touch,
Pain that will not duck,
Rain that will not hide.
I am in fear, i am sad inside

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