Bring Me to Life by Evanescence

I am a survivor of CSA and adult rape. 
From 13-16  (possibly even younger) I was raped by my stepfather on a regular basis. The first time was when I was 13, just a kid.  He came into my room, got on top of me, and did it. I was really tiny, and he made me bleed alot.
When discussing the rapes with my doctor during a check up, she said I most probably would have have needed  stitches. The most of what I remember is the blood, there were clean white  sheets and my mother had washed them just before it happend.
Every time I think about it, I think about the innocence that was lost too, it was so much more than just blood.
The 2nd time was on my 14th birthday.  It happend on a sofa bed where my friends and I had been watching tv. He waited for my mother to take my friends home. Thinking he was going out, I stayed to do the dishes. He came up behind me and dragged me to the couch, and raped me again. I don't remember the actual rape, I blacked out after he entered me.   
I remember crying for my real dad just before he came into me. It was one of the first times I had experienced dissociation, and I am so grateful for the fact that I DON'T remember him inside me and never ever want to.
The last memory of him hurting me was when I was 16. I went home after being at a friend's house and didn't know he was going to be there. He was there with his friend but my Mum was not there. A short time after i'd gone to bed, he came in, and left the door open. He never did this before.
His friend stood in the door way and watched him rape me. I had begun at this stage to fight him off, and I kept fighting him, and moving, I didn't want it, I wasn't going to let him this time. He told me that if i kept fighting him he'd "give" me to his friend, and the friend wasn't as "nice" as he was. 
So I stopped fighting but it didn't matter, he gave me to the friend anyway. The friend made me get up and give him oral sex. I had never been made to give oral  sex before, I barely knew what it was.  I remember feeling sick and swallowing it, I didn't know what else to do. 
I had trouble eating/swallowing for days after. I remember them drinking beer and talking, laughing like nothing had happened. God. I hate that. it makes my stomach knot just thinking about it. 
In april of this year I was raped again at a party. We went to a bar in the city and I had my drink spiked. I began to feel sick and the guy took me across the street. I don't remember anything except waking up alone in the park across the street. I knew i'd been raped though.
I had pain in my genitals and my back was sore. I went to the doctor as my memory was non existent. She examined me and confirmed it. Devestated doesn't even begin to describe it. I pushed it down, right down. 
I went on with my life, but it continued to affect me in subtle ways. I told my therapist and we started to talk about it a little, and she encouraged me to seek counselling at Yarrow Place (the rape crisis center here). I now have regular sessions with Sharon, a counsellor there. It was then that the major memories of the CSA began to emerge (the ones I described above).

If you've gotten this far, thankyou. I think I needed to do that, all of it. I think I just needed to get it out. maybe it won't haunt me so much now.

The Aftermath

At this moment, I am 22, and i've just finished my BA with an English major (something I never thought i'd do), I'm enrolling in grad school soon to study creative writing.  
I have told my dad about the latest assault, and i'm finally getting the support I need from him though I've given up hope of my mother believing me about my stepfather. It hurts and I wish she'd protect me, love me, care for me, the way a mother should, but I can't let that control my life.
I can't let all the things she never did stop me from doing what I know I can do.   
I get nightmares still, really bad ones. They are vivid and I dream  about the abuse happening over again. Sometimes I am scared that I will wake up and be back there experiencing it again. I keep seeing it, hearing it, feeling it, knowing it's over but not really ever too sure. 
But I am serious when I say Sharon, my counsellor, has saved my life on numerous occasions, validating, supporting, and helping me at every stage. I go to a support group as well which makes me realize that there are so many women who feel or have felt at some point, what I am feeling.  I am learning that no matter what happens I can get through.

I am a writer, words are my thing, and I am going to start writing down my experiences in life in order to give them some meaning, sense and hopefully make someone's life better.  I feel like I have my soul back when I write, and I feel the greatest gift I can give someone who feels lost, alone, and afraid is that they can have their soul back too.

I  just finished reading " The Courage To Heal" and although it made me feel so many different emotions, I know I can get through it, because so many others have, some so much worse than I could ever endure.
I hope if you have a story too, you are able to share it somewhere, because it's only through telling that we will break down those insidious barriers that seek to confine us and stop us reaching our potential.

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." 
~Tori Amos

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