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MY STORY

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Deliver Me by Sarah Brightman

 This page may TRIGGER, with whatever you read please keep yourself safe. This is my story of my rape that happened to me 7 years ago. I will speak in detail to a degree of that night, describe the pain that I suffered, show how I was victimized that night, and how I transformed into the SURVIVOR that I am now.

Be Safe!


This is my story, please keep in mind of the trigger warning while reading this. If you do not want to read this I do not blame you, nobody no matter who they are wants to read about someone else being hurt or even assaulted. But for me to write this and to show it to all, well its something inside of me that I just have to do. Please remember that anytime you actually sit down and write your story out, do it for you not anyone else, its hard enough to live it, its difficult enough to have the memories in your head, but very hard to write. So with saying that...  

I guess we turn back the hands of time and go back to Monday, December 9th 1998. I was 21 years old and getting ready for our company's Christmas party.

That day Monday, I called my best friend Anita up on the phone asked her if she was ready for a fun night.  Her kids were being babysat for and we were getting to go out and party. I slept until around 2:30 pm that day, just to get my rest. So I guess I called her around 3:30 pm. The party was suppose to begin at 6 pm and last all night. She told me to get situated and to come over to her house. I walked to her house because it is only 3 blocks away from mine.

I got there and we talked for awhile, then she got a shower and I called Vop up on the phone. Told him to get over to her house by 5:30pm at the latest. For every party from work we were always late so it didn't really matter. I had bought a huge bottle of Firewater about a week before this party ,Anita and I were taking shots while we were rolling 3 blunts.  Around 5 pm the doorbell rang at it was Vop. He came in and did 2 shots with me, got himself good and warm from the liquor because it was very cold out and we were going to walk to the park together which was down the street. Being the time of year it was, it was already dark outside. We got situated and started our walk to the park, our arms around each other to keep better warm. At the park Vop took his coat off, the only one with brains to wear a coat and put it around Anita and I so we could stay warm and light our first blunt. He didn't smoke so he just watched us get high, but I brought 2 beers with me so he could drink. We were at the park because my other best friend  was going to pick us up there after she got home from work and situated.

Well Misty soon got there and we all made our way to her car, said hi and hopped in. Now it was time to go pick Mandy up. We got to her house and I ran inside, I had some of the blunt left and I knew that she smoked so I wanted to let her have some. She took a good 10 hits off of it and was high as a kite. Then we went back outside and all of us drove to the liquor store. Had to pick up more even if the club the party was at had 2 bars inside.

The three of us that were of age went in and picked out a couple small concealable bottles and left. We finally got to the party around 6:45 pm. They had food but who wants to eat when all you want to do is drink and have fun. But we pushed ourselves and we didn't want to look too bad. So we all got a plate and said hi  to everybody. When we finished eating we hit up the bar. I was with Mandy and Roberto, we went and had a shot of Tequila chased by Dr. Migillacutti (sp?) the vanilla kind. I also picked Vop up a rum and coke. Went back in and we separated a little and I went over to say hi to everyone, including Buli.

Well I went over there and said hi to them and Buli gave me a big  hug. I had been flirting with him for weeks prior to this so of course I was happy. When his gf wasn't looking he kissed me. Geez to picture him now, I can totally picture him right this second. Ok, anyways a good part of the night I seem to have forgotten so ill start back up where I remember. I remember that I saw Anita hugging Buli, and I was jealous. I could totally slap myself now for that feeling. But she did it on purpose because she knew that I was interested. She even gave him one hell of a kiss in front of me, and then just smirked at me. Now if I knew then what I knew now about both of them I would have shrugged it off and went and played pool with Vop and Roberto.

Soon later me,Roberto,Buli,Mandy,Anita went up to the roof of a parking garage to smoke a blunt. We were up that for quite a bit just laughing and smoking, chillin'.

By the time the  we came down the party was over and  ppl started to leave the party very slowly, but of course the drinking did not stop. The ones I remember seeing left were all of us, wally and misty were saying goodbye to me. My best friend even asked me how I was getting home and I said id be with Anita. She asked me three times if I was sure I didn't want to leave with her. I should have gone.....

She said we could go to the movies at the mall or even rent a few. But I said how about tomorrow, tomorrow changed. She left and I remember it was me,Buli,Anita, and Roberto sitting at the bar talking.

But anyway back at the bar, we decided to leave, it was 11:30pm and we were thinking about going to Roberto's and chilling. So we all went out to the front, we didn't even say goodbye or anything to Vop and Mandy we just left and assumed they'd find their own way home in which they did. We got to the front and each had a good 3 more shots, we were just plain and simple fucked up.

Well we stopped at the store because Buli had to get something. While he was in there Anita chose this time to realize that she could not by any means hold her alcohol so she puked and puked in the car. I mean BIG TIME.....she was covered and so wasn't the whole entire front passenger seat.  When Buli came out he flipped out and went nutszo, because this wasn't his car it was his girl friends.

I couldn't believe that she couldn't get out of the car to puke. So we all drove to a friend of Buli's, so he could get a towel and some water to attempt to clean the puke up.  We got there and him and his friends went in the house to get some stuff. Anita got out of the car and puked some more. Buli then came out and yelled at her and told her that she was going to clean it. I actually stood up for her and told him no she wasn't that she was blitzed and that its his gf's car and HE was going to clean it. Well apparently that shut his mouth, she puked all over my flannel that I  had on, so I was covered a bit too.

Then we all got in the puke infested car. We drove Anita home even though she kept saying that I should go home first, she told me secretly while I was cleaning her that she had to have me go home first just to know that I would be home safe and sound.

I told her no, your whets important not me I told her I was drunk but I wasn't going to puke, I told her that I would go home next. She said okay...

So anyways, we got her to her house and I had to practically carry her in. Around parents I tend to snap out of being drunk I guess that's being used to my own it just happens. So I carried her into her bedroom and helped her change into her PJ's and made sure I got her a bucket by her bed, I got a cold compress for her head, some water to drink, and made sure she was laying on her stomach close to the edge of the bed, I didn't want her to choke on her vomit on her back nor drown in it on her stomach. So after I did all that I went out into the living room and told her parents that I would see them later on. That she was comatose and would be knocked out for the whole entire night.

I Went outside and Roberto was in the passenger seat, so I got back into the back seat. I said that I lived 3 blocks away and that I would go home next but apparently that went unheard, to Buli. So instead of doing that we went all the way across town and dropped Roberto off. Said goodbye and told him I would see him tomorrow, he told me to be safe. I didn't understand, I mean Buli and I had been friends for ages what could happened?

So I got into the front and Buli started touching me a little, I actually at the time didn't mind. This is the part where I will always have the stinking feeling of whose fault that it was even if deep down I know it wasn't mine but you know that little shred of darkness that tends to peak its way through your hope. I asked him if he wanted to....I had never had sex before and Anita always talked about it constantly. Told me that I needed to stop being a virgin and go out and have some fun. So I took the opportunity...he said okay. We kissed a little bit, and just the usually touching. Then we drove to this place, I cant figure it out in my head where it was because it seemed like we were driving in freaking circles. I do remember it was so dark, it was an apartment complex, and there was a big pole with US flag hanging from it. We got there and got into the back seat, just talked a bit and then kissed and touched a little more. But then I think I was snapping out of being so drunk and torn, I told him I wasn't too sure about this anymore. But its like talking to deaf ears. I don't know how I came out of my clothes but I did, and he took his pants off. Imp sorry but he was HUGE...I was like no way am I doing this...so I started to put my clothes back on and he grabbed my neck hard. I remember I had one hell of a bruise on my neck. He then made me give him oral sex. Pushed it in my mouth so hard that I almost puked. I don't know too much of what happened there besides that he came in my mouth and it was utterly disgusting. But apparently he wasn't done. So he threw me back and I slammed my head against the window and door hard. Had a lovely cut and goose-egg to prove it... Then he shoved himself hard, real hard inside me. I was a virgin, and that alone did not tickle. I said no in like a whisper, guess he didn't hear me?? Then he did that to me for awhile. I just stared at the windows and watched them fog up, then I would stare at the flag blowing in the wind, then the clock. Barely there...

The music, oh god it gave me such a headache. It was rap music and I could not listen to rap what so ever for like 5 mths after this. Soon I worked on it and now I can, but once in awhile I have to stay away from it for days at a time.

Anyways, he got done doing that and I don't know where the hell my mind was, I have suddenly found it tonight though. He flipped me onto my side, and then shoved himself into me anally. I have NEVER NEVER EVER EVER felt such a searing pain than the pain of that. I felt my skin being torn, it was horrible...I was bleeding everywhere.He did that for like an hour, then flipped me back and did it regularly. He did this for just over 3 1/2 hours. I was covered in blood, I said no...I mean didn't my actions or lack there of show him.....?? Did I not say no loud enough, did I even say it? Or was that just my mind playing tricks? Will I ever know? These questions I have in my mind at least once a day, I don't dwell on them because they cant be answered, but sometimes they pop up even when I am singing a song to my nieces or out and about with my friends, in my sleep they come out sometimes, when I am watching a movie or at the movies. Anytime, they don't have any rules it just pops out of nowhere.

After he was finished I got dressed slowly, I was so out of it, I hurt so bad. My legs were like noodles, I couldn't even stand correctly. I sure as fucking hell couldn't sit. But he could, he could still do the same God damn things that he once did the day before. We got out of the car, I wanted out of that back seat so damn bad. I wanted to walk home, I wanted my best friend, I wanted and wanted but I was silent.He kissed me I did not kiss back, I couldn't look at him I couldn't.

He then told me that he had some sort of deal being made with a friend of his for drugs, I was just staring in the distance he asked me to give him 200 bucks tomorrow. I just looked at him like huh? What am I? said yes just so I could end the conversation and go home, I mean what if I said no?? What then? I don't want to know. So we left that place and I don't recall the drive back, I don't recall the conversation, I don't think I spoke, I don't know? I don't remember getting home, I don't remember taking my shoes off, I don't remember taking a shower if I even did. I don't remember calling my best friend up, I didn't recall that she was drunk and knocked out. I got yelled at by her dad, just what I needed. I didn't know what to say but I apologized and told him that I forgot. What the hell...ya think a person would ask if something was wrong??? They knew I carried her in you'd think they'd wonder about me? But they didn't, I was alone in ,my bedroom listening to music and laying on my bed. I don't remember anything, I don't remember falling asleep, I don't remember setting my alarm so I could get up in 6 hrs for work. Nothing...blank.


I got up for work the next day, I woke up clueless. I couldn't even think, stand, sit and I could not believe that I had to wait on customers all day. My only thing I could say is that I had a hangover when I went in that Tuesday. I went in and I clocked in and then Mandy called me asked what the hell happened to me and Anita last night. I told her that we left with Buli and Roberto. She asked me if I was hungover I said no....she was a friend of mine, she could tell. I told her what had happened as much as I could recall and she told me I will never forget her words "Donna you were raped." I just sat there and I pulled the phone away from my head and stared at it. I don't know how I conversation went after that but we then hung up. Then Anita called, I talked to her for a bit and she said I was raped too...she couldn't believe it. I told her that sandy Buli's gf was pissed off at her because she puked in her brand new car. She told me that we would hang up and she would call back and talk to Sandy. I said okay and just because ppl need that warning I told her not to say anything to Sandy about me please, I mean I was practically in tears when I said it, she yelled at me. Told me who the hell do I think I am telling her what to do, she said if I do I do, she said she does things that she wants to do because she has a choice. Then click, she hung up on me.....that felt great, gotta love her for that. She called and spoke to Sandy blah blah blah, Sandy was still pissed nothing changed. The Anita called back and apologized to me for hanging up not yelling though just hanging up. Told me that I didn't need that right now.

I was a waitress at the time and when I  was waiting on a customer she asked me where my bruises came from , I had no clue what she was talking about. I looked at my arms and I had so many bruises, I finished my shift and walked outside for some air. I had a cig and inspected my arms, they had so many hand prints on them, I even could put my fingers on to where exactly a hand would be.


It's taken me some time to realize that none of this is my fault, I did nothing wrong. I am a SURVIVOR, that's the only truth I know of this whole night from hell. I'm Surviving The Memories and I always will be.

Here's a list of some of the messageboards that have helped me throughout my journey:
"Someone was hurt before you.....beaten before you; humiliated before you; raped before you; yet someone survived."~Maya Angelou

In The End by Linkin' Park

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