SURVIVING THE MEMORIES SITE FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT
ANONYMOUS'S STORY

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Runaway Love by Ludacris ft Mary J Blige

I was about 8 or 9 when my older brother started to force me to do stuff, it wasn't sex, but other stuff. I didn't like to, but my mother and father loved my older brother more than me. He was so much stronger than I was and I was  afraid he would hurt me even more.

I didn't think my mother would believe me. My mother never wanted kids, when she found out she was pregnant, she only wanted boys. It's kinda strange how it turned out that she had 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. My father was really never around, but when he was. He would yell at us and would beat on my mother. So I guess my brother kinda learned from my father.

We moved when I was nine, first we lived at a camp ground until mid November and I lived in Vermont so it was really cold out then. So we moved into a house, he still continued to force me to do stuff. It was to the point I hated to go to my room. when my father went to jail which was alot (for breaking parol) I would sleep in my mother's bed with her.

I hated to take a shower or a bath because he would come in and watch me. One night he came into my room when noone was home my other older brother was working, my mom left to pick up my father, and my sister was at a friends house. My brother raped me and I had no one to talk to I felt so alone.

But no one could tell anything was different about me, no one asked me anything. After that night, only one night I fought back. He left me alone... well kinda. About 5 years later we moved again, my mother and father got a davorce, my mother tried to kill herself, my older brother and sister moved out, so it was just me, my mom and my brother.

I was dating this guy who I loved and the first person I told that I was raped, he had a crush on one of my friends and he told her I was upset at the time but in the end it helped. That friend moved in with me and I am bi my family doesn't know but I am and we make out and stuff. We would take showers together sometimes. One day my friend said " have you ever noticed that when we take a shower your brother runs to his room?"

I didn't say anything I just stood up and I walked into my brothers room (no one was home except us). My friend walked into the bathroom, there was a CD on a thumb tack, and I peered in and I saw my friend's eye stairing back at me. Later that day I finally told my mother, and my greatest fear came true my mother didn't believe me "he climbed on top of you and forced himself on you?" she asked, like I didn't know what rape
was.

My healing was very odd, I thought I had it under control, the next day I went to school and the school counselor pulled me into her office and said "your mother called me" I started to bawl. My brother was loved by everyone and it seemed that I made him into a bad guy. After I told my mother what happend she
asked me not to press charges "Because it would ruin his life. getting closure was pretty easy for me my mother made him talk to me which was a dumb idea I
thought at least at the time. He denied it when my mother asked him what happened.

So that didn't help whith the whole thing with my mother not believing me. but talking to him helped because my biggest problem was thinking that he forgot and didn't care or feel sorry. I repressed it for so long and forgot about it until I told my boyfriend, thats whan I started having to face my "problem". I got a tattoo of a butterfly a year later it's my freedom from pain and anymore sexual abuse. and who knew just some ink could give me complete closure.

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

 
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