SURVIVING THE MEMORIES SITE FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT
ACASHA'S STORY

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Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse

I was in third grade when my brother started getting really sick, my father was military and we were just posted to this new place and only knew one family that just happened to travel there when we did. So we got to know each other really well. We only knew them because the fathers worked together. They had a little boy, he was about three years younger than myself.
My brother started needing medical treatment a lot and they decided it was best because of our remote location to fly him out and to a children’s hospital an the city for better treatment. Both of my parents wanted to go with him, I guess it would be so awful having a child really sick. For years I actually hated him for getting sick. In a way I  kind of blamed him for my being left with the *whites. I knew that first night after my parents left I was going to hate it *cindy put me in her son *robbies room and said we can stay together so I wasn’t alone and went to work, *lloyd kept coming in asking if im awake and offered for me to come lay with him a lot to help me with being upset. She always worked nights, I was always with him. I wanted to climb in bed with robbie hoping his dad wouldn’t wake me up every night.

It started with him touching me and he wanted me to tell him I  liked it, he always wanted to put his fingers inside me, it hurt.
He would get so mad if I cried, he always had strong coffee breath, he would breathe really hard behind my ear while would have to sit on his lap and wait for him to slip his fingers inside my panties, only now do I get why he would kind of rock me on his lap.
I kept asking *Cindy to call my parents I wanted them to come back and get me I wanted to go home so bad, they called once in a while, always at night, always when* Lloyd was home, sitting right there listening. He told me all the things that would happen if I told and how much my parents would hate me. The kids at school would hate me, I had no idea of these things then...

I had dreams of my dad coming in and rescuing me, I wished he would, just come in and pick me up and take me away, I would scream in my head when *Lloyd had me holding his penis teaching me to give him a hand job, I would scream daddy! Come save me! I need you daddy!! I need you!! But he never came.

I stayed there for three months, then that’s when my dad came and got me. Lloyd killed my dog too right before my dad came home I think it was a couple days I found him in the backyard Cindy said it was a bad animal that did it but I know it was him, he looked at me and I knew he told me to keep our secret.

I told my best friend Mandy a few months later some of the things he did to me and it was like she was just fascinated by it, she wanted to act some of it out, we would have sleep overs and it was like we were pretending to molest each other, we would take turns pretending to have a weapon and feel each other on top of our panties. This carried on for about a year

When I was in grade four I was at a friend *adam’s place playing Nintendo with him and his mom went out, we started taking turns feeling each other up, I went over there a lot that month.
I got this boyfriend that screamed at me and hit me a lot, I was really attracted to his aggression because I knew he was strong and protect me, I never thought of actually needing it from him, he made me give him blowjobs and held me down and fucked me then burned me with cigarettes. Eventually he hit me infront of another guy friend then got beat up really badly it took two years but I was finally free of him.He made me feel like that’s all guys want and that’s all I have to give, that’s all I can be good for, I slept with three guys after him and got myself a nice “slut” reputation.
(It still bothers me) It took me forever to realize I can live without guys, I don’t need a man to define me, I will never do those things for anyone again

When I was in highschool I ran into some hockey rivals taking a shortcut through a back street to a friends party, I knew they were all messed up on blow just how they were talking and laughing, it was a bunch of guys and I was alone with a girlfriend who at the time was messed up on mushrooms. I have this tough reputation that I tried to uphold, being a girl on the ice you don’t want to be looked down upon and nobody wants a girl making them look bad. This one guy I hit really hard at our game earlier got really mouthy with me and they started pushing me around, I told my girlfriend to go get my friends brother who was only a block away but she was messed up and got lost. I was left alone with these guys on a back street.

To cut out the worst of the humiliation for me...I was beaten up and raped. Two of them held my arms down while another had sex with me, I screamed for a while but felt like I was choking with someone’s hands so hard over my face I was dry and could feel myself tearing and then bleed then burn, when he was done another did the same, the all just watched, nobody stopped it, I cried so hard, shaking. They did some awful things. They just watched finally someone knocked me out, I know of at least three and im sure I seen a camera, an old man brought me in his house and called an ambulance. I woke up in the hospital I guess I slept two days, my gf stayed with me she cried so much saying she was sorry.

I have a lot of cants now, I cant have a normal relationship, I don’t trustI cant be naked, or be seen naked, only to shower, im horrible in bed, I know this, it’s awful because im in a great relationship right now and I cant make him happy now. I cant lay naked next to him, I worry he will do something to me.I cant have foreplay only if I get really drunk first, and I want him to be drunk too so I know im a little safer.I cant have someone’s fingers inside me, touching me too much or coming close, I will freak right out. I cant be having sex and have my ass grabbed because I think he will hold me in place and hurt me or try to penetrate me with his fingers.I wish I could change

I still hate my dad for never coming to save me.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.
~ Mahatma Gandhi

 
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