some fairy tale
where once lived a little girl
a jaded old lady now resides
no more wide-eyed innocence
behind her smile, it's fear that hides

not long ago, she met a prince
so kind & gentle, he seemed a dream
laughter & smiles filled their days
together they formed a magical team

one sinister night the prince departed
a menacing frog usurped his throne
how could the princess guess
it wasn't her love, but HER he wanted to own

the frog prince took her to his dungeon
he held her down, her screams unheard
stole her virtue as into her body
his bile & hatred were transferred

it was her soul that the frog sought
she tried so hard to put up a fight
she looked in his eyes, searching for her friend
but all she found was a thief in the night

her pleas for freedom did not deter him
nor did her streams of tears
with every painful bloody moment
she choked on grief & fears

where once lived a little girl
a jaded old lady now resides

 

he taught me how
one kiss,
fullfilled rapture,
empty heart,
hollow soul.
how I wished I could stop time.
and rewind it.
edit.
and erase it
and see more than what was seen
in a time where I drowned myself in daydreams.
lost myself to tears.
and died every time he touched me.
and I do remember.
remember the sick,
agitated, uncomfortable
feeling deep within me.
and I do remember.
remember the thoughtless,
uncaring, emotionless
ways he killed my spirit.
he pushed me to the edge.
and slowly, I fell off.
they tell me to forget the pain.
but he singed it into my soul.
they tell me not to hate him.
but he's the one who taught me how.
yesterday's gone.
tomorrow is not yet here.
and I'm trapped
somewhere in-between.

 

i'm free even if i don't feel like it
i’m not going to let you
hold me down forever
i’m going to beat you even if it’s
just out of spite!
as you sit & rot in your hell behind bars
i don’t care if you never see sunshine again
i’m free to come & go as I please
leave the house, come home
inside.....outside.....inside..... outside!
go for a walk, touch the trees, see the sky
smell the fresh air, hear the birds
i close my eyes & open them
trying to see my world
without your vile presence
what do you see when you open your eyes?
what do you smell? what do you hear?
you’ll never get away from yourself...
& what you are

 

almost
almost whole
The pieces of my shattered soul
reconnected to form a new me

almost healed
The shame I couldn't keep concealed
washed away like chalk drawings in the rain

almost free
The anger that imprisoned me
still grips me but not as tightly

almost there
The grief that left me in despair
comes and goes but doesn't consume me

almost back
to a world no longer draped in black
a bit more jaded, but my days are mostly bright  

 

sentenced
get out of my head, you worthless piece of s***
i am banishing you to the prison of my hate
Guilty As Charged & then some
i sentence you to silence
i sentence you to spend the rest of your days alone
with yourself
locked inside your own head
i sentence you to imprisonment inside yourself
to the torture of what you've done
F*** YOU as I go on
living

victim = dirty word
i am no longer a Victim.
i have always hated that word!
i am now a Survivor.
the road from one to the other
was a long journey,
with no end, only new beginnings.
a Victim lives in fear.
a Survivor endures.
a Victim is weak and powerless,
paying for what was not her doing.
a Survivor has grown strong
because she knows the price is not hers to pay.
the Sin is not hers to atone.
god will extract the price from the right person
on the day when no lie can be told.
so do not call me a Victim.
I have always hated that word.

 

as yet untitled [written 12.20.04]
your ruby lips
i want to make them bleed
your lying tongue
speaking words of love
from the blackest of hearts
i want to cut it out
so no one hears your lying words again
your pretty face
i want to slash it to pieces
make people turn away when they look at you
your bottomless eyes
i want to gouge them out
so no one ever drowns in them again
you stole my youth, stole my soul
you broke my heart, broke my spirit
you raped my body, raped my heart
held me down & made me dirty
unclean & unfit for another's arms
ruined me before I ever had a chance
you killed a child on the doorstep of womanhood
did it feel good when you stuck it in?
was it worth it when you filled me with your filth? filled me with your hate & evil
that still seeps from my pores
did you feel like a man when you forced it down my throat?
was it worth it to watch me choke on you?
choke on your hate & evil
that i'm still throwing up
did it make you feel victorious to take what wasn't yours?
was it worth it to steal what i prized as mine & mine alone
what i proudly treasured like a jewel
did it make you feel like a king to claim my virginity as your trophy?
did it make you feel powerful to call me a w**re?
then f*ck me like one & pay me with pain?
did it make you feel strong to come inside me?
outside me, on my body, on my face
i still don't feel clean
you & your dumbfuck friend
celebrated like it was a party
& i was the buffet
all you can eat was not enough
you picked me clean to the bone
took turns like it was a game
& my p*ssy was your playground
you laughed when i cried, when i said it hurt
told me i wanted it
i said i didn't
you made me come to prove your point
turned my own body against me
turned me into the w**re you said i was
was it my body or my shame that made you come?
does it play in your head like a movie
over & over like it does in mine?
do you see it in black & white, living color, slow motion, instant replay?
every scene burned into you like a scar
do you feel pain & press the STOP button
or do you feel pleasure & hit REWIND to watch it again?
do you jack off to my screams
& come to my tears?
i long for the day when YOUR pain is MY pleasure
the day when you will finally feel my wrath
& taste my rage
know the wild-eyed fear that i know
i want to tear your heart out
& make you eat it until you choke
force my rage down your throat until you gag
inject my hate into your body
make you scream & cry & writhe in pain
make you feel like a w**re
make you feel unclean, ruined, soiled
by the hate you created
watch your blood spill from your mouth
& from places not meant to bleed
i want to rip from you
the center of your power
the thing you think makes you a man
the thing that gave you pleasure
the thing that gave me pain
the thing that pierced my body & punctured my soul
as you stabbed me over & over
i want to take from you the thing you proudly treasure
rip it to bloody shreds
& make you feel less than whole
& you still would not come close to how I feel