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    Emily's Poetry

On my Shoulder
23/06/05
By Emily Thomason


On my left shoulder Geoff the rapists sits there,
He knows what I'm doing and he's very aware,
He's always there he never moves,
He's watching me, my privacy removes.

He always knows what I'm doing, every single day,
He knows how to scare me in every single way,
As he sits on my shoulder he does pry,
All I want to do is sit and cry.

He holds me down by sitting there,
He's always there it isn't fair,
Why cant he just leave me alone?
Does he want to hurt me more I say in a low tone?

Every opportunity he gets he reminds me of what he did,
He tells me of that April day that I try to get rid,
I'm trying to deny what happened on that day,
But he's on my shoulder and he won't go away.

He knows this is hurting and can see all of my pain,
I don't want him to know what he's done so I hide the pain that does remain,
But it's hard and I can't take it any more,
I don't want him to know the pain that I store.

All the pain that on that day he caused,
The way he's put my life on pause,
He's a perfect reminder every day,
That I can't forget however hard I pray.

Whatever I am doing whatever it be,
He is their, there to see,
He knows how he's affected me and how it hurts me so bad,
But he won't let me go which makes me so sad.

Whatever I am doing whatever it be,
He is on my shoulder to remind me,
He doesn't want me to move on from that day,
He wants me to remember he wants to stay.

I can't get rid of him but I want him to go,
He's caused this pain but I don't want him to know,
I don't want him to feel like he's won because he raped me,
I don't want him to carry on smiling at me with glee.

On my right shoulder Geoff the friend is there,
He's the one that really does care,
They are the same person but for now I can't see,
That whatever he was now he's my rapist I guarantee.

Geoff the friend is there and he looks after me,
He watches over me and is my guardian angel that will see,
Everything I told him about my life he now knows,
Everything I told him he could see as it shows.


Just like he was when we talked on the phone,
He gave me advice and I didn’t feel alone,
I felt safe because he was there to help,
He was there to answer my cries of yelp.

He didn't judge me and help me with this bitch of a world,
He helped me to see that my life had been hurled,
He tried to get things better between my mother and I,
But even through his help, it never changed and I don't know why.

He was like a dad, sitting on my shoulder and helping me through my life,
He helped me through it all, through my worries and strife,
He understood all my feelings I had,
He knew mine and my mum's relationship was bad.

He used to whisper things in my ear, tell me if I was doing something wrong,
Sometimes he would tell me if I did something right but this is me I'm not very strong,
He sits there like a guardian angel and like my dad,
He knows what to say and do that would help and make me glad.

He shows me how I should live my life and helps me through,
All the problems I have that are so true,
All the things I have told him about,
He always believed me he never did doubt.

But sitting on my shoulder he can see it on his own,
I'm not being melodramatic about what he has known,
No one else I have told apart from him,
But he can see for himself how it all feels so grim.

He can see how my mum makes me feel,
He can see what he thought was unreal,
He knows everything about me and I trust him with my life,
He knows everything about my life including the worries and strife.

Which shoulder should I believe I don't know?
This pain hurts and I want to show,
I know the truth is what the left shoulder shows,
But inside I want to lie and say the right shoulder is how the story goes.

On my Shoulder
23/06/05
By Emily Thomason

On my left shoulder Geoff the rapists sits there,
He knows what I'm doing and he's very aware,
He's always there he never moves,
He's watching me, my privacy removes.

He always knows what I'm doing, every single day,
He knows how to scare me in every single way,
As he sits on my shoulder he does pry,
All I want to do is sit and cry.

He holds me down by sitting there,
He's always there it isn't fair,
Why cant he just leave me alone?
Does he want to hurt me more I say in a low tone?

Every opportunity he gets he reminds me of what he did,
He tells me of that April day that I try to get rid,
I'm trying to deny what happened on that day,
But he's on my shoulder and he won't go away.

He knows this is hurting and can see all of my pain,
I don't want him to know what he's done so I hide the pain that does remain,
But it's hard and I can't take it any more,
I don't want him to know the pain that I store.

All the pain that on that day he caused,
The way he's put my life on pause,
He's a perfect reminder every day,
That I can't forget however hard I pray.

Whatever I am doing whatever it be,
He is their, there to see,
He knows how he's affected me and how it hurts me so bad,
But he won't let me go which makes me so sad.

Whatever I am doing whatever it be,
He is on my shoulder to remind me,
He doesn't want me to move on from that day,
He wants me to remember he wants to stay.

I can't get rid of him but I want him to go,
He's caused this pain but I don't want him to know,
I don't want him to feel like he's won because he raped me,
I don't want him to carry on smiling at me with glee.

On my right shoulder Geoff the friend is there,
He's the one that really does care,
They are the same person but for now I can't see,
That whatever he was now he's my rapist I guarantee.

Geoff the friend is there and he looks after me,
He watches over me and is my guardian angel that will see,
Everything I told him about my life he now knows,
Everything I told him he could see as it shows.


Just like he was when we talked on the phone,
He gave me advice and I didn't feel alone,
I felt safe because he was there to help,
He was there to answer my cries of yelp.

He didn't judge me and help me with this bitch of a world,
He helped me to see that my life had been hurled,
He tried to get things better between my mother and I,
But even through his help, it never changed and I don't know why.

He was like a dad, sitting on my shoulder and helping me through my life,
He helped me through it all, through my worries and strife,
He understood all my feelings I had,
He knew mine and my mum's relationship was bad.

He used to whisper things in my ear, tell me if I was doing something wrong,
Sometimes he would tell me if I did something right but this is me I'm not very strong,
He sits there like a guardian angel and like my dad,
He knows what to say and do that would help and make me glad.

He shows me how I should live my life and helps me through,
All the problems I have that are so true,
All the things I have told him about,
He always believed me he never did doubt.

But sitting on my shoulder he can see it on his own,
I'm not being melodramatic about what he has known,
No one else I have told apart from him,
But he can see for himself how it all feels so grim.

He can see how my mum makes me feel,
He can see what he thought was unreal,
He knows everything about me and I trust him with my life,
He knows everything about my life including the worries and strife.

Which shoulder should I believe I don't know?
This pain hurts and I want to show,
I know the truth is what the left shoulder shows,
But inside I want to lie and say the right shoulder is how the story goes.

Make me feel that I Am Loved
30/04/04
By Emily Thomason


I sit alone on my bed,
Thinking of all he did and all he said,
I cry myself to sleep this night,
Holding my teddy, oh so tight.

I stare into space,
I have no matter of haste,
I cannot seem to think,
My heart just seems to sink.

I put my trust in him,
Now I feel like that was my sin,
I want to turn back time,
I want to wreck his life like he wrecked mine.

I feel so worthless and feel like nobody cares,
I think of all his sexual affairs,
How many girls has he done to?
I wonder how they managed to get through.

My pillow is now soggy and wet
How I wish I could forget,
All these thoughts whizzing in my head,
All came about because I wanted bed.

I know he's not worth all this pain,
He'd be worth less down a drain,
I feel I have had a very rough deal,
For all this pain that I do feel.

I didn't know someone could be so mean,
I still remember that smile, that beam,
All these thoughts will not go away,
Even though I know it's the end of another hard day.

These tears will not disappear,
They show my anger, despair and fear,
Will all males treat me like he did?
If not, how am I to forgive?

How am I meant to trust again?
Will my trust in people remain?
As I lie on my bed this night,
Is some one going to give me a fright?

This isn't really happening to me,
Although my body would not agree,
I hurt so badly inside,
I just want to curl up and die.

I want to hide away from the world,
I want my life to be unfurled,
Am I here to be abused?
Will my body just be battered and bruised?

I feel like I am so alone,
Like no one cares and no ones home,
I want this life to end for me,
And him to rot in hell for eternity.

Please let this pain go away,
Let me face another day,
Show me the light for my life,
And god don't let me near that knife.

As I sit and weep this night,
Let my angels hold me tight,
Make this pain disappear,
Let me know that people who love me are so dear.

Make me see that they care so much,
God make me feel that a guy can touch,
Don't make me think that I am shoved,
But make me feel that I am loved.
 
Screaming Inside
13/04/05
By Emily Thomason


The brave face goes on instead of what I really feel,
I realise that this is truth, that it is a big deal,
One minute I'm happy and fuming with life,
The next minute I want to get near that knife.

Smiling away I go round the town,
Even though all I want to do is frown,
All the hurt I have in my heart,
In my mind and soul I will dart.

These feelings will run away from me,
Other people can't know what I see,
Inside I'm hurting inside I cry,
To everyone I hide the feelings, I lie.

No one understands and no ones aware,
My heart, brain and soul just sit and stare,
Its blank and it doesn't know how to react,
I didn't know this would have so much impact.

I get home and I try to weep and cry,
But it hurts so much why do I have to lie,
Why do I not tell people what's going on inside,
I'm on a very emotional depressive ride.

I want to tell everyone I'm okay,
I do this every single day,
How long can I hide?
What's beating me up inside.

How long will this brave mask stay around,
When will my pool of tears be found?
All there because of what he did on that day,
When will I understand, when will I be able to say.

Be able to say what happened that day,
Be able to feel that not all clouds are grey,
Be able to move on from that April day,
Be able to cry and then to be okay.

If only I could tell others the way I feel,
May be this pain wouldn't be so real,
Maybe I could move on from that day,
Maybe I could finally move away.

I want this brave face to break down and cry,
I don't want to say I'm okay coz that is one big lie,
Why can't I tell people how I really feel,
Why can't I understand, that I need to heal.

I cannot heal if I don't realise what happened to me,
I cannot heal without people knowing how I feel,
But it's been a habit for too much time,
They can't understand this pain of mine.


I wish they could but they haven't been through,
They don't know how it feels and don't know what to do,
I can't show them how I really feel,
Show them how this pain hurts and is so real.

To everyone I smile and show them joy,
But inside I'm breaking, as I destroy,
I'm going down hill and no one can see,
How depressed and angry, I want to break free.

I want to cry a shed load of tears,
I want to share my despair and fears,
But I don't even know how to begin to cry,
It's been a habit, my tears will die.

It feels like that anyway,
It's been so long I don't know what to say,
I need a cry to help me get through,
But these tears are stuck inside like glue.

On the outside I'm laughing and smiling away,
But inside I don't want to face another day,
Outside I'm as cheerful as a bee,
Inside I'm breaking and don't want anyone to see.

Outside I am happy as ever before,
Inside I'm screaming because the pain is too sore,
Why can't I show someone all the pain I feel?
I don't know why but I can't seem to heal.

I can't show anyone the way I feel,
I know how I do I just can't reveal,
Outside it looks as if I'm happy as ever,
But I'm screaming inside that will last forever.

What is the World coming to?
18/07/05
By Emily Thomason


Why do people have to be so incredibly mean?
What he and other rapists do is incredibly obscene!
Why can't everyone just get along as God had planned,
Why do we all bury our face in the sand?

There are murders and rape happening every day,
People are getting more hurt in every way,
Why can't everyone just be nice and fair?
Being nice to each other is becoming so rare.

More people are getting away with crimes they have done,
To them this is all a bit of fun,
This then encourages them to do it again,
This is when life can never be the same.

Why can't everyone get along as I say as I weep and cry,
Why does everyone argue? What's the need to lie?
Why do we have to have wars and why do we have to fight?
I cannot see peace and a loving world in sight.

What is the world coming to? I would like to know,
I sit here and think and feel so low,
Why do we have to have so many bad people around?
Why does it have to be such a horrible place where we, humans are found?

What is the World coming to?
18/07/05
By Emily Thomason

Why do people have to be so incredibly mean?
What he and other rapists do is incredibly obscene!
Why can't everyone just get along as God had planned,
Why do we all bury our face in the sand?

There are murders and rape happening every day,
People are getting more hurt in every way,
Why can't everyone just be nice and fair?
Being nice to each other is becoming so rare.

More people are getting away with crimes they have done,
To them this is all a bit of fun,
This then encourages them to do it again,
This is when life can never be the same.

Why can't everyone get along as I say as I weep and cry,
Why does everyone argue? What's the need to lie?
Why do we have to have wars and why do we have to fight?
I cannot see peace and a loving world in sight.

What is the world coming to? I would like to know,
I sit here and think and feel so low,
Why do we have to have so many bad people around?
Why does it have to be such a horrible place where we, humans are found?

Friend or Foe?
23/06/05
By Emily Thomason

Years of friendship down the pan,
I don't even know to think about this man,
He was my friend at one time, but what is he now?
I want to say he's my friend, but the pain doesn't allow.

It confuses me by saying my friend hurt me,
It confuses me and I just cannot see,
My friend raped me on that April day,
I suppose he is my rapist but I will not say.

On one side I feel like he is my friend,
He was there to help and I could depend,
On the other he is the “R” word I cannot say,
I wish I knew how to feel and which way to sway.

One half of me say he helped you a lot,
The other said I was part of his raping plot,
One half of me can't believe my friend was a sex offender if the truth were told,
The other half says he meant it and he's extremely cold.

As much as I think and as much as I try,
My mind still tries to lie,
It still tries to tell me he is my friend,
But all of this is just pretend.

But for now I cannot say,
He raped me on that April day,
I cannot say my friend has turned into my foe,
I cannot say he raped me just over a year ago.

I am the Girl
23/06/05
By Emily Thomason


I am the girl, who got raped,
I am the girl, who doesn't deserve to be loved,
I am the girl, who cannot forget,
I am the girl who kicks and shoves.

I am the girl that hurts inside,
I am the girl who cries and cries,
I am the girl, who cannot hate,
I am the girl who can't forget.

I am the girl, who sits up at night,
I am the girl, who wonders why,
I am the girl, who thinks life is unfair,
I am the girl who just sits and stares.

I am the girl, who everyone faults,
I am the girl no one believes,
He raped me and I cannot forget,
I am the girl who can't forget.

I am the girl, who was in the back of that car,
I am the girl he decided to harass,
I am the girl, who went through the pain,
I am the girl whose been put under this strain.

I am the girl, who has pain in her eyes,
I am the girl that was raped by her friend,
I am the girl, whose pain never fades,
I am the girl who wants to start again.

Will I always be that girl?
The girl who got raped and heartbroken,
Will I ever move on from that day?
Or will I be that girl forever?

The Outsider
28/06/05
By Emily Thomason


I feel so alone and feel so on my own,
I know the truth but is so unknown,
My family act like nothing happened to me,
The friends that know have to agree.

My family life has never been good at all,
It makes me cry and makes me bawl,
I don't know why and I don't know how,
It got as bad as it is now.

They all seem to get on well,
But with me it's different it's hard to tell,
I feel like I have failed them all,
I don't know why but they make me feel small.

It feels like I am not part of their family here,
I'm just the girl that will appear,
I don't think they can accept me for who I am,
I wish they could because maybe then they would give a damn.

I feel so lonely and feel so blue,
No one understands what I'm going through,
At home no one even tries,
It just feels like no one hears my cries.

This house doesn't feel like home,
Its just where I eat and where I roam,
No one around seems to know how I feel,
Or what's going on and what won't heal.

My family are on the inside of this they call home,
I'm on the outside feeling so alone,
Why can't they see I need them now?
Could I not escape from them somehow?

There my family and there meant to care,
Can't they see I need them there?
I know it's hard for them too because of what he did,
But how they react its like they have hid.

Its like inside they really want to care,
But it's been so long they just sit in despair,
But while they do this I'm on my own,
No one here to help as the pain is still unknown.

I love to get out so I'm not there,
So I cant see them not being aware,
Also so they cant see my tears of pain,
So I can grieve for my friend who was inane.

They don't understand and they don't try,
Its too much for them to deal with as they sit and cry,
But if they thought how much pain he caused to them,
They should times it by ten to the pain he gave to me that does condemn.


They sit in the warmth and the love,
As I sit outside wondering if there is a god above,
While they sit in the warmth by the fire,
I sit in the cold and shiver, as I require.

Require the love and require the warm,
They're not around in this emotional storm,
Why can't they be my family? Why can't they be here?
Why can't they be wiping away my everlasting tear?

I need their support but it's the support that I lack,
My life has changed so much but I want the old me back,
I wish my family would change and be there for me,
I wish they could feel the pain but the pain they cannot see.

What have I done wrong and why don’t they care?
The way they treat me makes me feel so bear,
Why can't they see I need them today?
Why aren't they here instead of leaving me astray?

There my family I need them here,
To support me through all of this fear,
They have not helped me through any of this pain,
All this I go through alone and it is such a strain.

There inside and they don't take note,
I'm not there I'm very remote,
I have so much pain inside and want to cry,
Why aren't they here to listen in reply?
 
My Angels
17/07/05
By Emily Thomason

God can you ask my angels to look after me today,
I know they watch what I do and what I say,
But I think my angels were either asleep or not here,
That day that makes me live in fear.

If they were there on that day they would have seen,
What that man did to me at the age of sixteen,
They weren't there cause they're job is to look after me,
They wouldn't let him do that; they wouldn't let him free.

They would have guarded me; they would have made me safe,
They wouldn't let him do that; I have too much faith,
They are white and innocent with wings so spread out,
I believe in them I don't ever doubt.

But then I start to wonder God if you have given angels to me,
May be you missed me out, they weren't doing their job God you have to agree,
Are they there? Because if they are I would like to know,
Do they have names and do they glow?

I don't mind god if you said you made a mistake,
But I need to know they are there God before I break,
I am so frightened and so very scared,
God tell me my angels are here now to be prepared.

Things have gone round in my head to explain,
What happened on that day is never going to make you the same,
God it's making me wonder if you're really there,
Do you and the angels really care?

Was that's what his function was? Is that why we were friends?
Was he meant to be my angel? Was this why my life bends?
He was meant to look after me and he was meant to care,
But like the angel he's not there.

Is he the angel that is missing in my life?
Am I allowed another one for my strife?
He turned into a devil and he turned against me,
I need one right now cant you see?

God if you're there call my name,
God if you're there please don't blame,
I need an angel to show you're still there,
An inch of me still believes that you still care.

God if your up there and listening to me,
Find me an angel to protect from all this debris,
God if he was my angel then I'm sorry he turned against you,
It isn't my fault don't punish me for the man that I knew.
 
Will you listen to me God?
18/07/05
By Emily Thomason

I need to know your there,
I need to know you can hear,
About the pain he brought to me,
And the forever tear.

Will you listen to me now?
Will you let me speak?
I need to explain what happened,
Explain why I'm so weak.

I can never forget what happened that day,
Which you must understand,
The way he made me feel God,
I want to hold your hand.

I need to know your there God,
That you will look after me,
I need your protection,
From the dangers I cannot see.

I know your listening God,
I can feel you close by,
But if I'm honest God,
I just want to die.

I don't understand where you were,
Or why you let that happen to me,
Did I deserve it God?
It really wasn't my cup of tea.

I know you know what happened on that horrific day,
I want you to know I still believe in you,
I don't know where you where but I don't care,
There wasn't a lot you could do.

Can you protect me from all the badness of the world?
Can you make it better?
The tears are just dripping down my face,
As this pillow does get wetter.

God I've not finished yet,
So please don't go,
I don't understand what went through his mind,
But I don't think I want to know.

I don't want you to be cross with me,
I have done nothing wrong,
I want you to know I believe in you,
And one day this will make me strong.
   
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