I am a single mother to a little girl 7 yrs and she has Down syndrome. But that is not the bad part. She is the result of a rape. She is my all and lately she has been talking about daddies and often asks if a man passing by is a daddy. I know in my heart she is trying to ask where her dad is, but just doesn't have the language to put it in those words just yet. But I have jumped ahead of myself and went to last part of my story. I guess I fear because my heart aches started when I was just my little girl's age. When a cousins boyfriend decided to give me a bath and felt it was ok to molest me in the process. I fear because I am doomed to a life with out a man in it because I fear he will hurt my daughter. So I get sad at the fact that like me she too will grow up without a fathers love in her life. At some point when I moved in the home with my mom, my brother began to come into my room at night, often sodomizing, performing oral sex on me, and sometimes he invaded my privacy by coming into the bathroom when I was showering or bathing this went on for years.
At some point my moms boyfriend began to abuse me at first I thought it was my imagination, because of what I was already going thru... He began so suddenly, I thought this couldn't be happening to me........At first I blamed my mom, because it was her fault bringing him into our home, and it was her fault for not being there, but you know what sometimes it went on in her presence, well not when she was looking but when she was at home. I use to think I was wearing a sign that said abuse me, but yet I was invisible to my mom. Who didn't want me to start with. But who am I to talk, I in turn didn't want my daughter either. I guess they are right some things are inheredited.
Back to the subject at hand....With my moms boyfriend, it started with him touching my breast when I was in charge of doing his hair, then it went on from there until one day, he brought me a new bedroom suite and he raped me on it the day it was delivered. That is how I lost my virginity. After that I was his paid whore, because I was being paid for my services, I was 14 maybe 15 years old at the time, and between him and my brother I never knew who was on top of me in the middle of the night. I remember doing things like sleeping in a closet and trying any and everything to keep my self from being hurt, I even told and no one came to rescue me. Finally I left that house when I was 2oish or so, and later when I returned few years later, it started all over again. And I lost it. Then when I left I didn't return. I had just started getting my life back together, when one night after being convinced to go out with friends to celebrate my up coming birthday; I left early and was raped by a stranger at the age of 32. And that leads to the beginning of this story.
In August of 2005, Two men who I only knew from saying Hi in passing and with a few conversations in between the Hi and bye, broke into my house in the middle of the night and attempted to rape me,( luck would have it that I had taken a self defence course and learned a few techniques.) I woke up to someone calling my name and at first I thought I was dreaming and I was only imagining the weight I was feeling. I heard him say my name again and tell me who he was and I was thinking how did you get in my house, but still being in a state of sleep, I just asked what he was doing and he started telling that he couldnâ€™t believe that I was going to leave (move away) without giving him some, and I woke up at that point and I was reaching for the phone when I noticed the second person standing beside me with his clothing off. And at first I froze but something in me remembered, I screamed no and kicked with all of my might, I grabbed my phone and it lit up and I told them that I was calling the police and they both ran off. I didnâ€™t call the police. They both came back at separate times and tried to explain themselves to me and one even had his girlfriend come to me and ask what had happened. The one guy says that they were sitting down there drinking and talking about me ( why was I the topic of discussion I donâ€™t know ) and Larry said that he wanted to just have me once and he was going to go in thru my window and try the guy said he went down to my house and knocked on my window but I didnâ€™t answer, he came back and said I wasnâ€™t answering after knocking of few more drinks and popping some pills he decided to come thru my window, and Dee the second guy told me that he followed him after he went thru the window and unlocked my door for easy access to him( guy 2 ) and he listened while he went up stairs. He apologized, for coming into my home but didnâ€™t believe that Larry (guy 1) was going to do what he said that he would.
Well this is my life....... I have a feeling that this is not the end of my story..... There is something about me, that just tells people that it is ok to abuse me... When will I lose the sign..... JAX