I grew up in a small town Medford, Oregon. I liked living in a smaller town, because I had a lot of family there. I worked for Safeway for seven years. My husband worked for Safeway too. He wanted to get into computers with Safeway, so he got offered a job in Portland. So we moved up to Portland, which is a much bigger city. I was very excited at first, to live somewhere different.
I liked living there at first. When we first moved up there we lived in Troutdale, which is a smaller suburb. I liked living there. But then we moved closer into Portland - I hated living there. The store I worked at was crappy, and I didn't feel safe at all. I worked nights up there, swing shift all the time. My husband always waited up for me, but I still didn't feel comfortable coming home that late.
My rape story is probably different from most people. I don't remember the whole incident. I might have been drugged or something. We lived in an old house, and our bedroom window had a whole in the glass. The landlord fixed it eventually. But my husband to this day doesn't believe it could have happened. We have to big dogs, so he thinks nobody could have broke into our house. I woke up one day and I felt very violated. I just knew something wasn't right. I went to the doctor because I had like a really bad yeast infection. I just knew something wasn't right.
After I was raped I went into deep depression. I didn't go anywhere or do much of anything. I was constantly paranoid that he would hurt me again. I would lock the door even during the day. Then I started accusing my husband of cheating on me all the time. I couldn't trust anyone basically. I had a lot of anxiety too. I didn't think he still loved me, or would want to have sex with me. I was very insecure about our relationship. For the last three years it's been rocky because, I can't trust him. I know that I shouldn't take it out on him. I just never got counselling or anything. I didn't think anyone would believe my story. I was scared and stuff. I would just cry out of the blue. I was very unhappy most of the time. So, I thought moving back to my home town would help me. But everyone knows you can't run away from your problems. It did help to be around my family though, because, I need a lot of support.
It tears me apart that my husband doesn't believe me. I know my story sounds crazy because I don't know exactly what happened to me. I don't even know who the guy was. Later on in our relationship I felt like I had to have sex with him all the time, just to please him. I also felt that I never pleased him sexually. I wish everyday that I could get our relationship back to normal again. I would like to trust him completely, and have more confidence in myself. I forgot to mention that I tried to commit suicide, when we lived in Portland. I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't going to actually do it, but I was having the urge to do it. I tried to drown in the bath tub. I thank god that I never did it. I have two wonderful boys, and a good husband. Brendan is 4, and Hunter is 1 1/2. I live for them everyday! Well that's my story, and thank you guys for listening to my story. (=