The first and most important thing for you to do is to get away from the perpetrator
and to a safe place. Whether this is to your home, a friend's home, a police station
or a hospital, make sure you are not in any danger anymore. This can be very difficult
if you are living with your perpetrator, such as a spouse or a relative (in which
case, you might want to tell someone you trust and develop a safety plan before you leave the situation).
Call 911, your local rape crisis center or RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE). It is also a good idea to call a friend, relative, significant
other, or resident advisor and ask them to accompany you to the hospital or police
station, or to call the police, hospital or crisis center for you. Some communities
have victim advocates who will accompany you to the hospital and assist you with
the process. Calling the 1-800-656-HOPE may help you find one of these advocates.
They can also bring a second set of clothes for you at the hospital, as the police
may want to keep yours. If you have clothing evidence at home, such as clothing
left by the perpetrator, you, or a friend, should place them in a paper bag and have the police collect it later.
Do not shower, wash your hands, change your clothes, brush your teeth, drink
anything, douche, urinate, etc. All of these things will destroy evidence (things
that your attacker may have left behind, such as fibers, hairs, saliva or semen).
I know that it is hard... the first thing many survivors want to do is take a
shower and be "clean" again, but it is necessary. Go to the hospital to have injuries treated, and have a rape kit done (minors
do not need parental permission to obtain a rape exam, in case you are worried
about telling your parents right away). If you make a report to the police of
the incident, most states will pay for the evidence collection (The Attorney General's
Rape Victims Assistance Program will pay for evidence gathering at the hospital,
including Emergency Room registration fee, doctor's fee, and two lab tests). This
involves, in most cases, photographs, mouth, anal and vaginal swabs, hair combing
and/or pulling (the nurse will let you pull hairs out yourself if you ask), collection
of clothes and underwear, fingernail scrapings and/or clippings, drawing blood
and a pelvic exam (if female). They will also check and treat you for injuries,
STDs and pregnancy (if female). They will, with your permission, administer the
morning after pill to prevent pregnancy. Make sure to tell the doctor if you believe
you have been drugged. At hospitals, rape victims have priority after life-threatening cases. If you
have been waiting for a long time, ask, or have your friend ask to be seen more
quickly. You may also ask, or have a friend ask, for a private area to wait, instead
of the waiting room. You may request a doctor of the same sex as yourself if it
will make you feel more comfortable (depending on the hour, this may make your
wait time longer). You can have your friend stay with you during the exam. You
should expect to be at the hospital between 2 and 5 hours. The exam usually takes
about an hour and 1/2. If you can, make notes, mental or written, about your perpetrator's appearance,
the location and events of the assault, etc. This will help you if you decide
to talk to the police.
Getting treatment at the hospital does not mean that you are required to talk
to the police. However, if you can talk to the police, and if you do decide to
press charges, it is a good idea to talk to them right away when events are fresh
in your mind. In most states, but depending on where you live it could be different, a sexual
assault survivor has three options when filing a police report: a report can be
filed with the intent of prosecuting the offender, a report can be filed but without
the intent of prosecuting, or a third party report can be filed where the survivor
remains anonymous (the survivor's name is withheld from the report) and no prosecution
takes place. It is the survivor's right to change their mind at any time during
the judicial process. This means: just because you file a report, does not mean
you are required to prosecute.
This is something to do once you are safe, have been treated at the hospital
and have decided the legal route you are going to take. This fund assists victims
with things like lost wages, medical bills and counseling. The crime must have
been reported to the police and the claim must be filed within 5 years. You can
get more information about this by calling (502) 564-2290 or writing to: Victims
Compensation Board 115 Myrtle Avenue, Frankfort, Kentucky, 40601.
Important Things to Remember
Many survivors feel guilty because they made the choice to "not die" or to not
be injured. For example, the rapist may have said "Scream and I'll kill you,"
so the survivor didn't scream and were therefore, in their mind, an accomplice
in their own rape. The fewer physical injuries a survivor suffers during the rape,
the more likely it is that this "consent to live" problem will plague her after
the rape. This is also true of survivors who are forced to actively "participate"
in the commission of the rape. A rapist will often force his victim to act like
she is enjoying the rape, to moan or move to help stimulate him. A rapist who
cannot complete the act is more likely to seriously injure or kill his victim.
If the survivor is forced to "help," her "choice" to do so will haunt her. Nancy
Venable Raine was forced by her rapist to pretend to enjoy what he was doing to
her. Her "choice" to comply, and avoid death, tormented her. It was not your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of others and
it is not your fault that someone decided to hurt you. Whatever choices you made
were the right ones, because you are alive.
Healing is extremely difficult, but you can do it. Things will get better. It may take a long time, and sometimes it may feel like you're getting nowhere,
or you're getting worse, but if you keep trying, you can get through it.
There are people who will help you. Call RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) or your local crisis center. Tell a friend, a relative or a
significant other. Visit Welcome to Barbados and other survivor sites. Join Pandora's Aquarium, an online support group. Join support groups in your area. It is important
to take an active role in your healing. Talking about your assault to supportive
people will make you feel better and less alone. Links **** This is not to be construed as legal advice, but practical advice from other
survivors on how to keep yourself safe and work with police to preserve evidence
if you plan to press charges. ****
"although I had no desire and experienced no pleasure, I did have what appears
to be 'consent.' I instinctively 'decided' to live... I did make 'a deal with
the devil.'... I did, after all, 'consent' in some way, didn't I? This fact, as
evidenced by my survival, cast a long and terrible shadow over me for many years,
and even now it is not entirely lifted... The shadow cast by my 'compliance' could
only be completely lifted if I had 'resisted' to my death. The fact is, I did
not." (After Silence. Rape and My Journey Back)