Lis Kidder

Tori Amos: Exit 75

Tori Amos was born Myra Ellen Amos in Newton, North Carolina to Mary Ellen and Edison Amos. Her mother and father met at Brevard College, where Edison was studying to become a minister. They married and moved to Washington D.C., and after having two children, a son and a daughter, Mary became pregnant with her third. On a visit home (to Newton), Mary became sick and was forbidden to travel until the baby was born, on Aug. 22, 1963. Although shortly after her birth, she returned with her mother to D.C., Tori visited her grandparents in Newton often, "Tori really was the apple of my [Tori's brother, Mike Amos] grandfather's eye. She was his last grandchild and came along after he had retired, so he spent a lot of time with her. I think she does get some of her musical ability from him. " Musical ability was an understatement, "At the age of three, I was playing the piano, at four, I was composing and at five, I decided I would be a rock star. " Tori learned to play the piano by age 2 and ½ and by age five, was enrolled in Baltimore's Peabody Conservatory. Rebellious, Tori was kicked out of the conservatory at age 11, because she wanted to play her own music, "They say I was a child prodigy but at four years old I was fighting all the dogma of the church and I put my passion into the piano. I went to the Peabody Conservatory to study music when I was five. I was kicked out when I was 11, and I think my father was very disappointed. But my mother knew I was constricted there. " As Tori grew up, she began playing in bars in D.C. and then moved away from home, to California.

In 1984, as families in Los Angeles decorated their trees and wished, however hopeless it might be, for a white Christmas, Myra Ellen Amos, aged twenty-two, lay on her stomach with a knife to her throat, dying. Ellen was doing a gig in Los Angeles after returning from D.C. where she had been visiting her family, and offered to give a fan a ride home. It was this fan who held her hostage in her car and raped her for hours, destroying Ellen Amos and sending Tori plunging into a silent abyss, "the horror Tori experienced as she was held hostage and raped was too profound to express, and after calling her mother who flew immediately to Los Angeles to be with her daughter, Tori vowed never to speak of it again. Closing a door in her mind as tightly as she could, she moved resolutely forward. " Like millions of sexual assault survivors before and after her, Tori buried the rape, "I didn't really ever talk about this. I didn't deal with it. Girlfriends were coming up to me saying, 'You need a therapist. You need a shrink. I'm not going to talk to you anymore.' I think on a lot of levels, there's a real embarrassment and shame to any kind of invasion on that level." Struggling to survive both financially and emotionally, Tori joined a pop-metal band. They released on album in 1988, Y Kant Tori Read, which was a miserable failure. Tori left the group and began playing on her own again.

Years go by will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?

Tori's silence lasted seven years, until she was triggered in a movie theatre, "people had to move away from me in the theater, just because I was, you know, sobbing. I was like a little well spring sitting there, " and the experience came rushing back, "I went to see Thelma and Louise, alone, on a whim, and my life changed. When Susan Sarandon killed the would-be rapist, I breathed for the first time in seven years. " Two hours later, Tori wrote Me and A Gun, and began her healing journey:

5am Friday morning Thursday night far from sleep
I'm still up and driving can't go home obviously
So I'll just change direction cause they'll soon know where I live
And I wanna live
Got a full tank and some chips

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants

You can laugh
Its kind of funny
Things you think
Times like these
Like I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread for you, your friends
Your father, Mr Ed

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this

And I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back used to hang
And he said "it's your choice babe just remember
I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time so you choose well"
Tell me what's right
Is it my right to be on my stomach of Fred's Seville

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this

and do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things go through your head when there's a man on your back
And you're pushed flat on your stomach it's not a classic Cadillac

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this

I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this.

Tori began singing the song every chance she got, allowing herself to heal through her music, "It's a song about brutality and invasion on the deepest level.6" She had to confront the monster in her past in order to be whole again, "To heal the wound, you have to go into the dark night of the soul.6" It was Tori's way of reclaiming the part of her who was lost; the woman who was murdered in her car in 1984.

"I'll never talk about it at this level again, but let me ask you. Why have I survived that kind of night, when other women didn't? How am I alive to tell you this tale when he was ready to slice me up? In the song I say it was 'Me and a Gun' but it wasn't a gun. It was a knife he had. And the idea was to take me to his friends and cut me up, and he kept telling me that, for hours. And if he hadn't needed more drugs I would have been just one more news report, where you see the parents grieving for their daughter. And I was singing hymns, as I say in the song, because he told me to. I sang to stay alive. Yet I survived that torture, which left me urinating all over myself and left me paralyzed for years. That's what that night was all about, mutilation, more than violence through sex. I really do feel as though I was psychologically mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again. Through love, not hatred. And through my music. My strength has been to open again, to life, and my victory is the fact that, despite it all, I kept alive my vulnerability. "

The song was included on the album, released in 1992, "Little Earthquakes," and was the Tori's first step in helping herself and other sexual assault survivors, "I made a conscious choice when I put Me and a Gun on the record not to stay a victim anymore. You see, I was still a victim in my own mind from an experience that had happened a long time ago: I was still torturing myself. " As the album became increasingly popular, other survivors began contacting Tori, "We were getting hundreds of letters every week. They were all different, but the thread was that there are so many people out there that have had some kind of sexual violation."

In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, one woman in America is forcibly raped. Unlock the silence.

During a concert on the Little Earthquakes tour, a young girl collapsed and was brought backstage, "I just said, 'So what's going on with you?' And she said, 'I want to come and join the tour.' I said, 'What's so bad that you want to do that, like now?' And she said, 'Because my stepfather raped me last night. He'll rape me tomorrow night, and he's going to rape me tonight when I get home.'6" Tori was determined to take the girl with her, but was stopped by her producer, who told her that they would be crossing state lines and would therefore be kidnapping the girl. It was then that Tori realized she was not equipped to help the multitude of women dealing with sexual assault. It was because of this that, in 1994, she co-founded the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), a non-profit organization which connects survivors to counseling centers through a confidential, toll free, twenty-four hour, national hotline. Since its creation, RAINN has been able to help 200,000 survivors, through the more than 750 rape crisis centers in the RAINN network.

Sometimes I hear my voice and its been here silent all these years.

Tori's courage in speaking about her rape has helped other sexual assault survivors find the courage to break free of the powerful silence that binds victims of sexual assault. Shannon Lambert, webmaster of Welcome to Barbados, a Tori-Amos inspired site for rape and sexual abuse survivors, was able to begin healing because of Tori Amos and RAINN. Shannon was raped after a high school party in 1994,

"I remember just clinging to the metal on the bed and looking out the window and feeling like I was dying. Then he finished, and he patted me on my head. And he told me not to worry, he didn't think I was old enough to get pregnant anyway and walked out the door. I got up and took a shower. And it all settled in while I was taking that shower, the realization that I was never going to be the same person. And standing in there, just turning it on as hot as it would go, because I thought I must be a dirty, horrible person if this happened to me. And I was trying to wash it away. But it wouldn't go away. And when I couldn't wash it away, I decided to sort of put it away. "

Like Tori, it took Shannon years, and an emotional trigger to begin dealing with her rape, "I spent four years pretending like it didn't happen. I couldn't take it anymore. And I was depressed for no reason.9" Shannon's trigger was Tori's song, "When Me and a Gun came on, I heard the first chorus and felt dizzy...I sat down on my floor and the memories came and I started to sob uncontrollably. I put it on repeat and listened to it for literally hours. I finally remembered what I had never really forgotten. Suddenly, I knew I wasn't alone, and that the strength to heal is inside us all. " Shannon created Welcome to Barbados, attempting to help other survivors like Tori helped her. The website has had over 25,000 hits since its creation on August 1, 1998 and was featured in a 20/20 special on Tori Amos in February of 1999. It contains over 180 stories contributed by other survivors of sexual abuse, all inspired by the courage of Tori and Shannon.

Look I'm standing naked before you. Don't you want more than my sex?

Breaking the silence, however, was only the first step in Tori's healing. She had to confront the fear instilled in her from the rape, in order to function on a level that allowed her to maintain a relationship. She began doing this during her seven year relationship with her producer, Eric Rosse.

A part of me has been unable to open up intimately since I wrote 'Me and a Gun.' After so many years I wondered what was it in me that cannot be juicy, that is so dry, except when I play music? I can go out and channel this energy during a show yet the moment I walk backstage afterwards I close down, sexually. And in New Mexico I did finally realize that I have to take responsibility for the fact that the man who originally violated me is not stopping me now- I am. But still, there is a part of me that hasn't been able to open up since I came to terms with 'Me and a Gun.' And without Eric, my boyfriend, I couldn't work my way through it right now.

For survivors of sexual assault, one of the most difficult steps in healing is learning to trust again. Intimacy brings fear and sometimes flashbacks, vivid images of the assault and a feeling that it is happening again. Tori found it difficult to allow herself to open up emotionally and sexually with Eric. Slowly, she learned to trust Eric.

What this means is that Eric has to say 'I am not the man that raped you and I will not accept that concept.' When we make love he'll leave the lights on and say 'look at me, what's my name?' and I'll say his name. And even more importantly, he'll say 'what am I doing? I'm fucking you, say it.' And I'd try to say 'you're fucking me'. Then he'll hold me as tightly as he can and say 'And I love you, I adore you, I treasure you'. So I am healing that way. And we're healing, because as you can imagine, I am hardly an easy woman to live with. Or to love. But I am finally ceasing to see myself as a victim, which is the only way out of all this.

Tori learned to love and trust Eric, and wrote a song for him, which she recorded as one of the "B-sides," a collection of songs that did not make it onto one of her four major CDs.

See you over hill and dale
Riding on the wind I see
You know me, you know me like the nightingale
"Oh fair maiden I see you standing there"
Will you hold me for just a fair time
The tune is playing in the fair night
I see you in my dreams
Fair boy your eyes haunt me

The song was performed at many of her concerts, until Tori and Eric's relationship fell apart, upon which it was dropped from set lists and made few rare appearances over the next four years.

You gave him your blood
and your warm little diamond
he likes killing you after you've died.

Although Tori and Eric split in 1994, just after the release of Tori's second album "Under the Pink," the healing Tori underwent during her relationship with him stayed with her. However, Eric hurt Tori in their break-up. To say that Tori was angry after their separation would be a severe understatement.

and Moses I know
I know you've seen fire
but you've never seen fire
until you've seen Pele blow

In fact, she devoted an entire album, Boys for Pele, released in 1996, to her anger towards Eric and her healing following their break-up,

Pele is the jealous and passionate goddess of Hawaiian society. The Hawaiian male-dominated society had many strict taboos. It was forbidden for women to hunt, eat with men, etc. Ironically, however, Pele was the most powerful goddess for the Hawaiians, as of the year 350 of the common era. It was common practice to pay homage to the goddess and to hurl the body of deceased loved ones into the volcano crater. Interestingly, Pele suffered an act of rape when geothermal wells (phallic symbol of the West) were inserted into Pele's crater. Two weeks later, volcanic eruptions occurred, destroying a nearby town, signifying a rebirth of Pele. "

Just as Little Earthquakes allowed Tori to heal from the sexual assault, Boys for Pele helped Tori heal after her break-up with Eric. She used the songs to express her rage towards Eric and to allow herself to feel the hurt he caused, "I've heard a lot of women say that when they separate from a long term relationship, they go out and buy a new wardrobe. Well, I didn't do that. Instead, I decided on something inner, because a make over isn't going to do this. " Boys for Pele is a war, fought against Eric. The cover of the album is a picture of Tori in a rocking chair, holding a shotgun. Her legs are spattered with mud and a dead rooster (probably representing Eric) hangs upside down from the ceiling. A snake coils by her feet. The CD opens with Horses,

they say that your demons
can't go there
so I got me some Horses
to ride on
to ride on
as longs as your army
keeps perfectly still

This song is the period before the war; the armies are assembled are waiting for the command to attack. The picture accompanying the lyrics in the CD book is that of two small children, barely visible, peering through a window, presumably at the army outside. The war commences with Blood Roses

Back on the street now
Now you've cut out the flute
From the throat of the loon

Tori describes this song as, "Baroque gone askew, to capture the disillusionment of the loss of romance.22" The song is angry, and at one point, many critics say, makes an illusion to female circumcision, mutilation which Tori may have associated with her breakup with Eric, "when chickens get a taste of your meat/when he sucks you deep/sometimes you're nothing but meat.17" This song expresses Tori's anger towards Eric and explores the anger of women as a whole.

Blood Roses… is very aware of a thing that I haven't dealt with: faithful anger. Anger expressed faithfully. I think she's come to visit me to explore that side that I've blocked away. There's a real stigma that gets put out on a woman's anger. You become a madwoman, instead of, 'I'm very loose about this moment, and you have just really pissed me off.' I'm trying to use compassion - passion coming into its fullest - so that I can explore these 'dark sides' of Woman: the anger, that power, the destruction, the manipulation, the parts that lead to a label of 'hysterical' for women, to bring them into balance, the balance of destruction and creation.

Later on the album is the song Caught a Lite Sneeze, which Tori describes as being about, "wanting to do anything to keep a relationship going, knowing that it's over, knowing that it's slipping through the hands. " This song explores the end of a relationship, where the person you are with doesn't care about you anymore and you are desperately trying to find something to fill the void which is being created.

boys on my right side
boys in the middle and you're not here
boys in their dresses
and you're not here
I need a big loan from the girl zone

In an interview with Sandra A. Garcia, Tori discusses the song lyrics and their meaning.

Then we go on to Caught A Lite Sneeze and she's still vampiring, she needs that boy blood. You can say you are beautiful, you are enough; when are you going to claim it? You are on the hunt. He doesn't give fuck about you; he might have cared about some parts of you but this is not about you. He doesn't want to work this out with you, your neediness is disgusting him, and you sit around going 'oh no, no, no, I've gotta have it. It's out there, he has something.' Anything to just keep it going.

Not the Red Baron is followed by Agent Orange, two songs which are intimately linked. In Not the Red Baron, Tori sings "think I got the message figured/another pilot down/and are their devils with halos/in beautiful capes/taking them into the flames, " which is the one place on the album where Tori relents from her anger to momentarily,

Not the Red Baron is the moment of compassion for all the men on the record. It's where I could see their planes crashing, I could see that they have a side too. And if their planes would crash I started to gain compassion for their side of it. But I'm still acknowledging the war with Agent Orange, the idea of the war.

The album closes with Twinkle, the end of the war.

sure that star can twinkle
and you're watching it do
boy so hard boy so hard
but I know a girl
twice as hard
and I'm sure
said I'm sure
she's watching it too

Tori went on tour for the album, starting February 23, 1996 in Ipswitch, UK and did 187 shows on the tour, ending November 11, 1996 in Boulder, Colorado. The tour was called, "The Dew Drop Inn tour," which is a reference to a line in one of the songs on Boys for Pele, Muhammud My Friend, "but honey do drop in at the/Dew Drop Inn.15" For these concerts, Tori played with a piano on her right and a harpsichord on her left, moving back and forth between them during songs. For every show, Tori started with Beauty Queen/Horses (the songs which start Boys for Pele). Although it this tour was to promote her new album, many of her older songs appeared towards the end of the tour. She sang Me and a Gun at almost every venue. At one of her concerts, during the song, a woman yelled out, "'Lose the song.' At first, Tori responded by singing 'me and a gun, and a man-or a woman-on my back...' Tori then said, 'I can't believe you'd come to one of my shows and expect that I wouldn't play this song.' Tori continued singing. After someone in the audience said 'she's a lizard' in reference to the woman who had yelled out the comment , Tori stopped singing and said, 'No, she's just uncomfortable. I understand that, because I used to be too. '" Even though Me and A Gun appeared on an album two before the album she was touring with, the song remained important to Tori.

Celebrate your top ten in the charts of pain

At the end of the Dew Drop Inn tour, in the end of 1996, Tori was hit hard again, when she miscarried after a three month pregnancy,

I got in the truck. An hour's drive to the hospital. I'd been at the beach and I started bleeding and I was in pain. I drove myself because, you know, I didn't want anyone driving. I would have crawled out of my skin . . . I had to do something. And, you know, I was asking myself 'Is there anything I can do to save this life? Stick a cork inside yourself Tori' . . . and then we got there, into the room and the nurse broke down and cried. She put me on the table, gave me this scan. I reached out to her and said 'I'm so sorry.' And I said, 'Let me see it,' and it was just . . . It was just one of those things.

Again, Tori found the strength to heal through her music, "If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music. I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it. And I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit. " Tori came out with her fourth album: from the choirgirl hotel, in 1998. Many of the songs on this album explore her feelings following the miscarriage and the loss of her child, "I was pregnant at the end of the Pele tour, and was very . . . we were over the moon about it. And I miscarried at almost three months, and it was a really difficult time. So the songs started coming not long after I miscarried.27" Just as Little Earthquakes had given Tori an outlet for her feeling after her rape, from the choirgirl hotel allowed her to feel the loss of her child and to heal,

The strange thing is, the love doesn't go away for this being that you've carried. You can't go back to being the person you were before you carried life. And yet you're not a mother, either, and you still are connected to a force, a being. And I was trying to find ways to keep that communication going. Along the way on the search, sort of walking with the undead, I would run into these songs.

There are several songs on the album devoted to the miscarriage. The album opens with Spark, in which Tori sings, she's convinced she could hold back a glacier/but she couldn't keep Baby alive Another song which she directly talks about losing her child, is Playboy Mommy, in which she sings, "In my platforms I hit the floor/ fell face down didn't help my brain at all/then the baby came before I found/the magic how to keep her happy…I'll say it loud here by your grave/those angels can't ever take my place. " This song in many ways, "don't judge me so harsh little girl," reflects Tori's anger following the miscarriage, ""After it happened, I mean, how do you find? Where do you go and look for souls that are gone? I needed to communicate. I didn't think about what she needed. Then I thought that maybe she didn't choose me as a mom. Then I got pissed off and thought, 'OK, go and choose Susan down the street then, that right-wing Christian bitch'." About the songs and the experience, Tori said, ""It's hard to talk about that experience. And people don't know what to say to you. They say things like 'I guess it's God's will' or 'It's all for the best, something was wrong.' Those things just don't make it okay .... But that's how the music started to be created. I guess the seed from the miscarriage became the seed for the record." After the miscarriage, Tori worked for over a year on the album, which was eventually recorded in a 300 year old barn in Cornwall, England. During this time, she married Mark Hawley one of the sound engineers on her tour, "he worked on my last album. He was the engineer on the tour, and we didn't get together until after the tour. We'd done a whole world tour together, and we were in completely different relationships, and I kinda had to do a couple of other things, as girls do sometimes. Once the tour was over, we had become friends. So it sort of took off from there." Since her marriage, Tori has been very guarded of her relationship with Mark, never talking about it in depth and mentioning it seldom, "I've only been married four, five weeks. It's very new and it's very, um, well, it's . . . I can't find the words. It's tender. I get shy about it. It's very special." Tori speaks very little of her marriage, which seems to be because of the wishes of her husband "He's really, really private and I try to respect that. It's very precious and very fragile too. " One song, on the choirgirl album which involved marriage, was Jackie's Strength, "Getting married was not something in my line of vision. But then I was in an airport, contemplating all these things in my head and I saw this little paperback book about Jackie (Kennedy Onassis). I picked it up and got on the plane and I turned to the picture section and it was her wedding day and she was in her bridal dress. . . . And I wondered if I could have just one second of her elegance. " This book was the inspiration for Jackie's Strength, in which Tori sings, "a Bouvier till her wedding day/shots rang out the police came/mama laid me on the front lawn/and prayed for Jackie's strength. " This song explores some of Tori's feelings about her own marriage, "feeling old by twenty-one/never thought my day would come." Although Tori's marriage to Mark and her album helped her heal greatly from the miscarriage, she still felt angry every once in a while, "look at this f**king mother in this mall somewhere in the South, where I was, and she like totally whops the kids, just hits them, and you're going, you know, there's so many people who don't want their kids, don't love them, don't care for them. It's just . . . I feel like you're an under-achiever."

This album, from the choirgirl hotel, was drastically musically different from her other albums. For this album, it was not just Tori and her piano - she had a whole band, "You know I'm a huge control freak, but this time I really wanted to interact with other players. Eric, of all people, came by and said he knew just the drummer for me. I met with him and played with him and my jaw just dropped to the floor. Wow, psychic rhythm!30" Tori added not only drums, but bass, acoustic and electric guitars. She went on the Plugged '98 Concert Tour for the album in 1998. She performed 137 shows on the tour, which started on April 18 Ft. Lauderdale, FL and ended in East Lansing, MI on December 3.

Not six months after the end of the Plugged '98 tour, Tori began plans for a summer tour with Alanis Morissette. The tour will kick off August 18th, in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and will end, after 26 shows, in Los Angeles, CA, September 25th. It will end in the place which took her life away fifteen years ago, when she was raped. The place which she has struggled to come back from and in the process has become a survivor and has shared her strength with thousands of women. It will be an incredible show, and you can bet your life that Tori will sing Me and A Gun.

List of Sources

Bennett, James. The big interview - No pain, no gain. The Times (UK). April 11, 1998

Considine, J.D. The Feminine Musique. The Baltimore Sun: January 21, 1996.

The Curse of Pele. A&E Ancient Mysteries Report.

Doerschuk, Robert L. Voices in the Air - Spirit Tripping with Tori Amos. Musician: May 1996.

Garcia, Sandra A. B-Side Magazine: May/June 1996.

Graff, Gary. Wall of Sound. Features: Confessions of a Choirgirl.

Jackson, Joe. The Hurt Inside: Hot Press Magazine February 23, 1994.

Lambert, Shannon. Chasing Away the Demons. Monday, February 15th, 1999. ABC News: 20/20.

Lambert, Shannon. Welcome to Barbados.

Mikewhy. A Dent in the Tori Amos Universe. Quotes: When Tori Speaks, Ears with Feet Listen.

Morse Steve, Once Again, Tori Amos Find Healing Through Music. Boston Globe. April 24, 1998. Page D18.

The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network.

Rogers, Kalen. Tori Amos: All These Years. New York: Omnibus, 1994.

Rooksby, Rikky. Making Music. January 1996

"Télé 7 jours" - French TV magazine. April 25 - May 1, 1998.

The Tori Story. The Raleigh News And Observer. August 11, 1996.

Tori Amos. Blood Roses. Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Caught A Lite Sneeze. Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Chasing Away the Demons. Monday, February 15th, 1999. ABC News: 20/20.

Tori Amos. Cornflake Girl. Under the Pink. 1994 Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Cruel. from the choirgirl hotel. 1998, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Horses.Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation

Tori Amos. Jackie's Strength.. from the choirgirl hotel. 1998, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Leather. Little Earthquakes. 1991, Atlanta Recording Corporation

Tori Amos. Letter to survivors about RAINN.

Tori Amos. Me and A Gun. Little Earthquakes. 1991, Atlanta Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Muhammed My Friend. Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Not the Red Baron. Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Playboy Mommy. from the choirgirl hotel. 1998, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. RAINN commercial.

Tori Amos. Silent All These Years. Little Earthquakes. 1991, Atlanta Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Spark. from the choirgirl hotel. 1998, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Tori Amos. Song for Eric.

Tori Amos. Twinkle. Boys for Pele. 1996, Atlantic Recording Corporation.

Williamson, Nigel. Relative values. The Sunday Times Magazine, UK. 24 May 1998.

* Title of paper take from: "King Soloman's Mines/Exit 75/I'm still alive/I'm still alive/I'm still alive." Tori Amos. Hotel. from the choirgirl hotel. 1998, Atlantic Recording Corporation.