I still have an abusive relationship with my father. It used to be my mom that he woudl beat up now he's gone to his oldest daughter. Sometimes I feel I should call the cops and tell the truth when I end up in a hospital bed but I have a fear of being by myself in some kinda deranged foster home. I'm 16.. yes 16 I wanna live my life be with my friends go to the same school go to partys.. have fun and see my brother I could never be seperated from my brother. Sometimes the anger I get makes me want to shoot my father. I have never physically done anything to him .. there have been times I have raised my fist and said Iwas gonna kill him but I never did I just could never do that.. it's too low in my standards. So I try to ignore him but we will get in fights well arguments and he'll come to the point where he sounds liek he's crazy he'll yell stuff to himself and say it over and over and over again and call me names and when I defend myself it's when the beati! ngs happen.. Some days I just wanna round up my friends and knife him to death .. he's broken more bones on me then I have ever broken doing ski racing.. and put me unconciouse once.. I just wanna live a normal life with my firends and I want it to stop but I don't know how to stop it.

I know this sounds horrible, but without the anger I would be dead. Without the intensity of the anger I have twoards him, I would have died a long time ago. Anger is the only thing that keeps me strong enough to go through with the court process, with the waiting, with the fear. I have to be reminded at how angry I am in order not to die of fear and lonliness and shame and guilt. When I get so depressed I don't want to ever wake up, people have to remind me how angry I am.

I hate hating someone. I was a nice, happy girl who used to love to smile. The anger inside fills my mind and won't let me smile. I've never hated anyone before. I've never hated someone I hardly knew. But I can hate him. He took something from me that I will never get back. I hate that he made me feel like this. Will he remember this the rest of his life? I hope so because I will.

I was fourteen in January of 1999. That's when i was raped by a guy i went to school with. i was so angry, i still am. i finally told my mom in april of 2000. at the end of may that same year, my father beat my mom , raped her three times, then commited suicide. i'm not sure what i most angry at... my rape or my mom's.

I am no different from anybody else. Everyone has there own skeletons. At least that is what I tell myself. i am sitting in church last Sunday and realize God was not there- all those nights, he would have stopped it, he would have never let me remember, what is God? That is it, this is where I am empty. Sex with my husband scares me. Although he has been so understanding he doesn't even try any more. This scares me almost as much because my grandpa wins agains. I can't let him win anymore. But I can;t stop it. I just don't know how. If God wasn't there then, well you figure it out...alone to fight my own battles.

The anger is eating me alive. I feel like the only power I have is to not talk about what happened to me. I'm in therapy and AA. My therapist has also encouraged me to join a group. My boyfriend wants me to talk. No. I will not talk. I'm also seeing a homeopath for depression. He wants me to talk. My silence is my power. I know that's wrong, but I can't let go of it. It feels like that's the only thing I own.

I just feel bad for my husband because I'm always nagging him and blaming him for stuff that is not his fault. I make him upset and he can't understand why I'm so easily set off. Stupid things make me "throw a fit" and I'm scared that it will get worse. I don't want my daughter to learn to cope with difficulty in this way. God is definitely at work in my life, but this is just the beginning of a long road to recovery.

I am so angry! I just don't know what to do. I scream and I yell at my family, I just can't help it. Everyone thinks that it was just 2 kids playing with each other. Why can't you understand that it wasn't? Why can't you understand that he was making me do these things. I should have the right to be angry at someone that hurt me, made me lose my innocense. Its not my fault. i have lost everything because of you. You made me sad, depressed, and suicidal. I wish that something could make it all better and make it go away. Even though it happened when I was 11 and now am 15 doesn't mean I can't remember everything that happened correctly. No one believes me. I am in a world of my own. i have the right. I know I do! I can't believe that you make me face him every day at school. Its even worse to be in the same room with him. Look what you have done to me. Look! Panic attacks, flashbacks, all this stuff because you don't believe me. You know how bad of a kid he is, yet you still don't believe me. You know that he tried to stab his grandma, you know that he tried to kill his mom. Why can't you see. WHy don't you believe. I just want to be happy again. Please make me happy!!!!!!! I am sorry if I am always mean to everyone. It is just that there is so much going on, and have so much to be mad about, but you don't know it do you? Huh? NO YOU DON'T!!!! Just please make me happy again! Angry all the time! I am sorry, please understand. I have lost my mind, I need help, but you dont' see. Thanks a lot. I thought you were supposed to be my friend. I'm sorry that I am always pissed off, and bitching, but I can't help it, there is too much. I know that I am babbling but I do need to get this out of my system. Thanks for listening.

I thought that I had everything under control. I did such a good job of keeping things under control, and of keeping my emotions from overwhelming me, that now, sometimes, I think that they are gone. I just go through life as a wanderer, not really stopping anywhere, no real trace or impact left when I am gone. Like a shadow passing by.

It`s eight years, and I hate that over a quarter of my life has been lost. I`m bitter about it, but I can`t seem to take a real step forward. I wish somebody would give me a step by step guide, with tiny baby steps, what to do, one day at a time. I missed out on a first kiss, on feeling safe with somebody - I never do, haven`t had a real boyfriend yet. I have panic attacks at random moments. I pick fights with friends I have. And anytime there`s a possibility of anything romantic, I sabotage it. I`m so clever, I sabotage it so effectively, that there`s never a chance. I`m scared to death of relationships, but I`m scared that I will be this way forever and miss out on what so many others say is so worthwhile. Why should *I* have to be the one to miss out? Why not him? Why does life for him go on the same?

I`m bitter that so much time has already been wasted on this. Two years ago I turned 26 and I thought that for sure, I would be fine. Last year I turned 27, and things still haven`t been so great. And this year, I am about to turn 28.

So I am bitter, but yet I feel so dead inside. When is this going to end?

Between 8 and 13 i was raped by my mom's boyfriend and i worried because at the age of 22 it still bothers me. i cant get it out of my head for anything. at first i felt guilt like it was something that i did wrong because he use to always go to church and dress in nice suits and pray and do nice things for people but now that i am old enough to relize just how bad he used me and manipulated my young mind i am pissed. so pissed. my religion says that i have to forgive but i cant find it in my heart.

My anger wasn't directed towards him but his ignorant fan club that were my friends. The looks the comments "SHES DOING IT FOR ATTENTION." Towards him nothing, towards them blind hatred. I think I dispise them more than him!

But my anger helps me face them day in day out at college in the classroom, with anger comes determination and with that i'll win. Put your anger into a positive outlet, fight them not yourself.

I'm angry, really angry. Mostly at me but sometimes at 'them'. I'm not sure who 'them' are, parents, social workers, 'the system' I suppose. Sometimes i get so angry i cry, i can't express it in any other way. I've done the self harm and drink and drugs, blaming and justifying. Now I'm just angry, but i now know why, because my childhood was robbed from me at the age of eight, i was left to the mercy of which ever perv i came across. But not today, today the only person who has rights over me is ME! i can only hope my understanding, healing and personal growth will pave the way one day to me being free, from the down's, the negative thoughts. One day i hope i will look atme and see me, not the pile of sh*t i usually see.

I haven't been the same since that day. The anger has taken charge of my life and has alienated everyone. I hate everyone for allowing me to be ruined, I resent everyone who doesn't know what it's like to be afraid of every man who wants to go for a cup of coffee, and i hate every girl who knows how to love. I fear I may never be able to love a man unconditionally, they all resemble HIM and what HE did. Its been seven years since it happened and almost seven years of therapy and i'm just as angry as I was then. My anger keeps me isolated and I feel like I am a perpetual prisoner to HIM. Maybe some day I can let go of the anger and finally be free...

It has been almost 15 years since I was raped. I just recently began trying to put my life back together. The only feelng I seem to feel is the anger and rage. There are times that I feel I could just go to his house and burn it down with him in it. Of course I would never do it, but it makes me a little calmer to think that I would. I honestly believe that the anger has kept me "afloat" for all these years.

I was once a peaceful human being, and now I have become a slave to anger. I feel helpless. I feel I cannot rest until justice has been served, fully knowing that that day might never come. ...so I store my hatred, and so it grows, and so from hating just my attackers, and then later hating everything that stood in my way between them and me, it has now grown into hating everything and everyone. I have been eaten alive, and have become the same monster I am trying to bring to justice. As far as I am concerned, I died a long time ago.