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Anger


I get mad alot and most times cant control it.

More mad when someone say they love me I don't know what that meens anymore. My dad say he loved me and mom everytime after he beat us or do anything so to me that word is a cover up.

My dad make me tell him I love him and do things I didn't want to. So I don't tell anyone that word either.

I get mad for nothing like when you think can cry but not hurt just do. I just get mad more mad for what my dad did to my mom then to me.

-Holly


i am so angry. for my entire life i've lived knowing that all the world was not bright and happy. and i'm so angry to know that it's a whole lot uglier than i once thought it was. i feel torn...tainted...scarred. and i hate being angry! i have never been an angry person. and just when my life was on track and going great, someone walked in and changed it on me. i am so mad that someone else took my control over my life away from me. and i feel like i can't get it back....and that scares me. i have never EVER felt hate towards someone until now. i hate him for letting me trust him. i hate him for having nerve enough to deny everything. i hate him because he can laugh and joke and carry on with his life after he took mine away from me! im just so angry...

-Bonnie


I am in the anger stage of my healing now.I realize that I am okay if I just remember to focus my anger back on him.My counseler gave me good advice for revenge fantasies-write them out!As long as you don't seriously hurt anyone,and want to prevent yourself from doing that,writing the fantasies can be a big help and make for an interesting experience.For instance(if it is to scary to write about directly),you could use metaphore,like the rape/molestation/abuse could be a terrible curse brought on by an evil monster.If you write about yourself destroying the monster(remember-you are the hero)it can make for a great release and some interesting writing.

My apologies to all the Torie fans out there, but I am a huge Metallica fan and have found that to be a great release for me as well.I can't sing worth a damn but having someone else scream for me is just as good for draining my hate into something productive.

-Phoenix Artemis


I have so much anger built up inside of me i often holler at people when im driving and fight with my boyfriend or parent over any little thing i have a deep seeded hatred towards men and will often pick fights with them just to show my strength . But its hard you dont want to hurt the people who are trying to help you but they seem to be the first ones you attack. You feel isolated and mad at god that something this terrible happened to you. Anger can drive you to rip your own hair out of your head. Its a horrible part of the rape aftermath.

-Jennifer Quaile


God, why does this happen to people? I was molested and then raped by my stepfather from ages 12 to 15. He took away my self-worth, my dignity, my trust . . . Everyone always asks me "Why didn't you say anything?" My reply? "What the hell do YOU know about what happened to me?"

Even though my stepfather is in prison (thank God) I still have a lot of anger to deal with. It's been over a year. And I still hate him. How can I not? I misdirect my anger at my boyfriend, whom I love more than anything else. I hate doing that, but I can't help it.

The only way I've found to deal with the anger is blare Metallica as loud as possible.

-Rose


I was assaulted almost sixteen years ago, and I'm just now coming into my anger. For a long time, I didn't remember anything about the attack. A while back, I remembered part of it during an exercise session, in which I was kickboxing. I suddenly imagined myself kicking and hitting that b****** as hard as I could -- I imagined him bruising, his bones breaking, my fists snapping out his teeth.... I didn't even recall exactly what he had done to me, but I was so angry that if he had been standing there I would have beaten him to death with my bare hands.

Now, I'm having trouble with misdirecting my anger. My religion teaches us to forgive, and I'm having trouble with that, because I don't think I can forgive him. So I'm grouchy with my kids and my husband. I try to channel my anger into my writing and that helps somewhat -- I create poetry and fiction on the subject of assault.

-Shaina


im 13 and anger is ruining my life im in high school and im now on holidays, i go 2 year 9 this year. i get angry and i take it out on my teachers and friends i swear and i punch people and i get totally out of control, because i was raped and sexually abused from a family member. some of my teachers thinks that im on drugs, and my grades are failing. i feel very angry

-Sally


For years it was the depression. Every once in a while I would get angry, but it would always subside quickly. Then, about a year ago, I just started getting very angry very quickly. Roadrage would come so easily I would be afraid to drive. I would be very easily irritated by coworkers. And I never could seem to direct it properly OR find a cause for it. I wanted to scream. I did anger releasing rituals, grounding exercises, all to some relief but all too temporary. I got to where the only music I carried in my car was Godsmack.

Now I'm beginning to connect the rage with what's happened to me and slowly, slowly I think I'm being healed. As Robert Frost said, the only way out is through.

-Arlene


I'm a month away from being 20, and ever since I was a child I was taught never to get angry. In asian cultures, women were not suppose to be angry. So after being sexually abused at 14 and raped at 16, I never channeled any of my anger out, just suppressed, ignored and silenced. Now I can't and don't get angry. I would like to feel the power of my rage and pain all just flow out of me. Through getting out my anger and rage I think I could heal more completely.

-Angie


I turn 20 tomorrow...I was raped when I was a 17 year old freshman in college. Now I'm at a different college...and I was really starting to trust guys again after one of them proved to me there really are nice guys in the world...but then one of his friends assaulted me and I find myself getting angry at everybody. I'm angry at myself for trusting again...I'm so angry at these guys for hurting me...for taking a part of me away...mostly I'm angry at myself for letting this consume me...

-Chrissy


I guess I am just beginning the steps to recovery. I was sexually abused by an older cousin from age 5 to age 7. It also happened with my sister and our other cousin, who was even younger than us. I found out through counseling that it was a significant event in my development and could very possibly be the reason for my self-defeating behaviors. I have been so angry for so long, but never allowed it to be released completely. I have always just stuffed it inside and have always doubted my worth in life. I have been the overachiever, the super-mom, doing everything I can to keep my mind totally consumed with the activities I take on. I feel like an ugly ball of cancer is welling up in my belly and beginning to grow bigger and bigger, that it will develop into something I cannot control. I don't know how to deal with it, I am so afraid of it.

-Tami


I am so angry I don't even know where to begin I am so angry because I am struggling to have a normal life I am struggling to not be afraid to have sex. To be free from fear, free from sexual frustration and I'm so pissed that it has too take so damn long.

-Genne


Anger is eating me up. I have been taught for as long as I can remember that I shouldn't get mad at others, because it would cause them pain. I guess my ex-boyfriend realized this "inability" of mine to let my anger out, and this is probably why he assaulted and r**** me. I am just beginning to feel anger, more than a year after he destroyed my life. I'm so scared of letting my anger out, I'm scared of being all alone- but then again I am also scared of feeling this pain eating my soul day by day. Sometimes I wish anger just wouldn't exist.

-Elia


Sex is great, but when you have to stop in the middle of it or foreplay in order to put flashbacks past you it sucks and i get so angry. My boyfriend is a great help but i feel bad cuz ive gotten angry at him. I spent 5 years with out telling anyone but him and only recently too.

-Victoria


My husband, early in our marriage, would assault me sexually while I was in the midst of seizures (and could not consent). I would awake and he would be inside of me, letting me know how hot I was. After a few times of this happening I eventually let him know I didn't want him to do this anymore. I also attempted suicide (pills) unsuccessfully, but did not relate the two together, although now, after years of therapy believe that the 2 were in some way connected.

We remained married for 23 years raising a son together. Four days after the graduation of our son, my husband announced he wanted a divorce. Two years later was the first time I remembered this event. I had a triggering event, in which I almost slapped my pastor, and didn't know why. I journaled that night letting my thoughts go, and I remembered the dark secret, I had long forgotton. Well now I had something new to add to my already upside down world.

A couple of months later on the anniversary of my exhusband saying he wanted a divorce, my anger finally surfaced, and did not go inward completely for one of the first times. I visualized doing a lot of things to hurt this person who had hurt me so much. I felt so guilty for feeling this way, and also I was afraid of going to jail or to the hospital. I did not want to "admit" to anyone what I was thinking. Partially because I wanted so much to have my revenge.

At 2:30 a.m. I jumped in my car, and set out to do some damage. I knew that he was at work, so I headed for his home. Windows could be broken. Then I thought there would be another thing I could do to make his life just a little uncomfortable for the times he had made mine miserable. I PUT LOGS THAT I HAPPENED TO HAVE IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR ACCROSS HIS DRIVEWAY, SO HE COULD NOT PULL IN HIS GARAGE!!! I wanted to put a note on it, but I didn't. I drove all the way home, watching my rearview mirror, still afraid the police might pull me over for ! this act. I went home and was unable to sleep the rest of the night. I do not know if my exhusband even has a clue that it wasn't just a gift!

I was able to get some of my anger out, and felt better for it, eventually.

-Susan


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