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Survivor Stories

OK - you are a brave lot out there. I am English and 32 years old, married with two children. I was raped six years ago when my eldest child was seven weeks old. I always thought that this kind of thing would never happen to me - I was in my own home looking after my baby - well how wrong could I be.

It was a Wednesday evening in November 1994 and my husband was working an unexpected night shift. At 7.30'ish, a "friend" called around to leave some files that he had been working on with my husband. I felt bad that he had had a wasted trip (as he needed to speak to him), so I invited him in for a coffee. For Goodness Sake - he was a FRIEND !!! I put my baby son upstairs in his cot, and then went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. The next thing I knew, this man had one of my large kitchen knives and was pulling me into the living room. He took his tie off and tied my hands behind me, then he sat down and proceeded to explain in graphic detail exactly what the evening was going to consist of. When he had finished that, he untied my hands again and made me undress in front of him while he was holding the knife and touching me with it. He then tied my hands again and told me to beg him for sex. I refused to and he got angry and hit me and pushed me over onto my back - believe me please - I couldn't do anything - he had this knife the whole time. He raped me then and it hurt so much - all I could think of was whether my baby would wake up and cry and what would this maniac do if that happened. Thank God, he slept all the time. He eventually finished, and then he went into the kitchen and FED MY CATS. He the! n came back and raped me again and later again. I finally managed to faint on him and when I came around he had made coffee and forced me to sit with him while he held it to my mouth to drink. I have never drunk it since. After washing up the cups he did it again, then casually untied my hands, told me to take care of myself and not to tell anyone or he'd kill me, then left !! I couldn't move, couldn't cry, couldn't think - this guy was supposed to be a FRIEND !!

Somehow I managed to get upstairs and feed my baby, then I passed out in the shower for the remainder of the night. The following morning I had managed to blank the entire episode - I was dressed by the time my husband came home and just couldn't face telling him what had happened. My hubby is a big fella and could do serious damage to him. I was too scared to tell him in case he went and hurt him badly and got himself into trouble, so I tried to forget about it. Over the last four years life has been really difficult. I have told noone in my family, and my marriage has been strained. I know it is unreasonable, but I blame my husband a little because he should have been home when he came, and if he had been there none of this would have happened. I thought I could cope with everything and carry on but .... I work part-time in a supermarket and just a couple of days ago I saw Philip in there. He didn't come through my till but it has really brought everything back. For the first time I am having to face up to things a bit more - I managed to tell my Boss at work 'cause I was too frightened at the thought of going back down on the shop floor and maybe having to face this guy (had to explain why I was crying so much and in such a state). He was so understanding and utterly fantastic about it - there are now about five people at work who know the situation (all management) and it is good to have some support at last. When I got home that night though, I had a phonecall saying that he knows where I work and I served friends of his who "feel the same way he does". I am really scared of this happening again - the terror never leaves you. I can't even push past a man in a crowd now - do these people realise how much they can reck lives.

This is the first time that I have ever told anyone exactly what happened on that night and I haven't stopped crying for the last three hours. I feel as though this happened today - can't do anymore now - thanks for reading - good luck to you all.


I don't even know how to begin. I could have sworn that I wouldn't ever tell this to anyone. I have never posted anything like this before, so bear with me. I would like to say I have so far spent over 5 hours reading your stories and cryed. Some brought back memories, others I felt total sympathy for and it definitely made me feel like I could trust you guys. My abuse started when I was around first or second grade and ended when I was almost 16 I am now 21 and just seems to me to be getting harder to deal with what happened more and more everyday. This is very long....

I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened. I was pretty young: young enough to basically have no clue what sex was. I didn’t really even know that boys and girls had different body parts. I didn’t know what we were going to do was bad at the time. I didn’t even have a clue what we were doing. Jason was my mom’s best friends son. He was about a year older than I was. But he had some older male cousins. If I was to even guess how old I was Iwould say between 6 to 8 years old. I think I was in between the grades of kindergarten to 2nd grade. Anyway, my parents would go to their house a lot and party with them. One night we were in his parents’ room for one reason or another. We were lying down, I think maybe we were suppose to lay down and try to go to sleep. Well, then we started talking and he said that he knew a way to make sure that I did not get pregnant until I was at least 16 years old. So I asked him how and he said he’d tell me or show me, I can not remember what was said for sure. Anyway, he somehow told me to suck his penis. I didn't think that I was suppose to be doing that, but at the time I was not real sure. I remember it tasted gross, and it was pretty big and it made me gag. Well then somehow he told me that I was not doing it right, so he talked me into letting him do the same thing to me. Then I don’t remember much more. I know he told me to make sure that I didn’t tell anyone, because then we would both get into big trouble. Even though I did not see anything wrong with it at the time. I still did not tell anyone what had happened. I felt really gross afterwards. We never said anything to each other about what happened.

In 7th grade I dated a guy named Dan, and he was my first real boyfriend. He liked to “show me off,” to his friends. I had pretty large breasts for being in 7th grade. He would take my bra and shirt off on the railroad tracks, behind the skating ring. We were in front of all of his friends, and he wouldn’t give me it back until they were all done looking. They would all just sit there and cheer him on. Then Dan introduced me to Shawn. Dan and Shawn would play chicken with me. I wouldn’t want to, but they would talk me into doing it. Dan and I broke up later on that year. Then that summer I would go to the pool with Shawn. He would grab my breasts and go down my swimsuit bottoms. He was very gentle about all of this. I wouldn’t know how to tell him no. This went on for awhile, and then we quit talking. I met a guy named Lamonte on the school bus. He would sit next to me, and he would grab my breasts, bite them and stuff. He would put his elbow on my knee, so if I would try and move seats, he would push me back down. He would always flash his penis at me. Then one day Rachel, Dan, Lamonte and I decide to all go to Rudd Park, and they talked us into rolling our shirts up to the “ABC game”. We also agreed that we would leave our shirts up for as long as they wanted us to. We did it and they had Rachel holds hers up for like 10 seconds, but then they had me do it for like 2 minutes. Then I finally quit and they said that I cheated, but I did not feel comfortable. I then went into the bathroom to get dressed and they were peeking in through the windows.

In about the middle of my 8th grade year, I met Chad. I was very happy, because he was pretty popular. And I also thought that he was pretty cute. All the girls would either tell me how lucky I was, or that I better watch out for him. I was Ok with all of this, and then he started to tell me really perverted things. He would tell me how much he wanted and liked pussy, and I would tell him that I did not really want to hear about it. It made me feel really uncomfortable. He then started to write really gross things on my shoes. He would write stuff such as: “I want pussy”, that “he wanted to eat pussy”, and that “he wanted my pussy.” I did not know how to react to all of this.

Then he started to tell me very detailed stories of him forcing 7th graders into having sex with him. He would tell me that he would start out asking them to have sex with him. If they would say “no,”he'd jab one finger inside of her. Ask again, if still “no,” he would jab two fingers into her. Ask again, if still “no,” he would shove three fingers into her. He then would tell me that usually at this point they would scream. Ask again, if still “no,” he’d get four fingers into her. He would say usually they would start crying and give into him. If not he would get his whole hand up in her. Which would make them scream, cry and bleed. So far they had always given into him. He would then tell her to open her mouth and he would put his penis in her mouth, and make her give him head. When he was done, he’d have very rough sex with her. Right after he was done telling me this story, he turned to me and asked if I would like to do the honors. I would tell him, “no,” and he would say that I was going to do it whether I liked it or not.

I didn’t know for sure whether his stories were true or not, but they were graphic and I became scared of him. I figured even if they weren’t, he would have to have a pretty demented mind to think them up. I didn’t like being in that class with him, but at the same time I still liked to see him; it was a very demented way of thinking. He gave me a lot of attention, and he acted like he liked me. He would come up behind me in between classes and put his hands in my back pockets, grab my butt, and whisper in my ear, “I want to fuck you”. It would make me feel very uncomfortable and excited at the same time. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified of him, but scared what he would do to me if I toyed to get away from him.

Then it went into our chorus class. The teacher had lost her voice, so she’d turn off the lights in the auditorium, put on Disney movies and go behind the curtain and grade papers. There was no supervision basically. She could not see the class, and we could not see her. This situation gave Chad the perfect opportunity to start and try to do things with me. I would try not to sit next to him, but he would come and get me to go sit by him. I would go, so then it would not make a big scene. The first day of this, he tried to go down my shirt and I would not let him. He wasn’t too persistent, so I was happy. I started to figure all his stories were untrue, and he just talked big. Then the next day, he figured out a way that he could go down my shirt, and I would not be able to stop him from doing it. The harder I tried to get him to stop, the more aggressive he got toward me. I probably should have told someone, but I was too intimidated by him. He had a lot of friends that he was nice to, that would not have believed me, and so they would have just given me a harder time. So, I would basically just not fight him off too much.

The third day, he had my ex-boyfriend hold me down, so he could try and give me hickies on my breasts. Dan held me down by my wrists, and there was nothing that I could do to get him off of me. There was another guy there named Bryan who I remembered looking at me, and I really feel as though he felt sorry for me. But I realized that there was nothing that he could have done for me anyway. I tried to move around, so that Chad could not get his head up my shirt to give me hickies. But it did not work; he got his head up my shirt. He tried to suck hard enough to leave a hickie, but it never worked because I kept trying to move from him. I was far to terrified of him at this point to tell on him, or to fight off what he was doing to me. Since I didn’t have enough nerve to get him to stop, I decided that I would just act like I was really tuff. Chad would always tell me that he was really horny before, after and while he was doing something to me. I guess in a way he was trying to warn me that he was about to do something more with me. One day he was playing with one of my breasts in class, and told Dan he could play with the other one. When he did this I just felt dirty. I told him that he couldn't.

He would always go down my shirt through the collar instead of up, because he felt as though it would be harder for me to fight him away. He would put his arm around me tightly, and he would reach his hand down my shirt. It wasn’t even obvious what he was doing something to me. It just looked like his arm was around me. Dan just thought this was all a big joke. He saw how much all of this upset me, and he didn’t even seem like he cared. I really thought that he would, because we had dated for 8 months the previous year. Chad everyday during roll call, when they said my name, he would whisper in my ear, “that’s my sex toy”. This made me feel really slutty, and I wasn’t even doing all this on my own free will. Sometimes I would wonder what kind of person would let this stuff happen to them. I just figured someone who deserved it.

Then another day, he had Dan hold my arms down again. My legs were crossed tyring to keep him from doing this to me, but Chad just roughly pried them apart so that he could go down my pants. He said that he wanted to just make sure that I had pubic hair. I told him that I didn't want him to. I just sat there and prayed that all this stuff would stop. He had to unbutton my pants to get down my pants. I even remember what jeans I was wearing when this happened. I was wearing black button-up Arizona pants. I didn’t like being touched there at all. I felt like crying, but I did not want anyone to see me as a weak person. He even tried to go down my pants in the middle of our sex education class. This stuff went on a couple more days in the chorus class, and continued in our sex education class for a little while. It stopped for awhile and then when I went to the Christmas dance, I was sitting by some of my friends talking. He came and sat down and I turned to face him, so that I could talk to him. Because for some odd reason, I still could not wait to see him, and I really didn’t like what was happening. It did not make any sense to me at all. Out of nowhere he asks if I will give him “head”. I said “no,” so he pushes me head into his lap by his penis, and he holds my head down. Then he says to me, “knock this shit off and blow me.”

Then he released my head, and I got up and ran out of the dance. I was too scared, to even describe. I started crying hysterically. I seen one of my friends in the hall, and she said that I should go and see the principle and tell him what happened. I did not want to do that, I was too intimidated by his friends. After all this we had our Christmas vacation (two weeks), and we never really talked again. Although, for some odd reason I could not wait to see him the entire time. Sometimes I wish that I could re-live my life, so that I could remember what all this felt like. It drives me nuts that these things happened and no matter what I do I cant remember them. Because almost I always feel like I am telling someone else's story. I cannot remember what it all felt like, and I want to know, so that I can get all of my feelings sorted out. I just want some closure. I want to be able to not worry about this stuff happening again.

THen it was about 4 months when I had my second person do this stuff to me it was Towards the end of my 8th grade year, Kami talked me into dating Chris. So, we dated for a little while. HE was really nice to me. He never pressured me to do anything with him. We broke up and he asked if we could remain friends, and I said sure. Later on Kami, Mike, Chris and I all decide to go to Kami’s house for fun. Her parents had a rule that anyone that came over had to go down to the basement. So, we all went down there, and we were all just talking. I did not think anything of it; Chris and me were just friends then anyway. Then Chris started to kiss me, basically out of nowhere. I really did not mind that though. I thought that it was a little strange, because he wasn’t like that the entire time that we went out. Then he started to lift my shirt up, and started kissing my breasts softly. Then he started to get a little bit rougher. I really did not want him doing this, but I didn’t know how to get him to stop. This went on for quite a while. I was just starting to get adjusted to everything, I was not enjoying it), but I was starting to lose the little respect that I had for myself. So, I figured this was just the way my life was going to be. All the guys that I was friends were obsessed with my breasts. I wore a 34C in 8th grade and weighed about 103 lbs. Then he started going down my pants, and I told him to “stop,” and he did. He was so into all this. The look in his eyes made me think that he was never going to quit. He looked uncontrollable. I had never seen a look like this. Then he started to try and get on top of me. I could feel his hard penis on my leg, and it scared me. I told him to get off of me. He stopped for awhile, but then he tried to do this stuff with me again. He was absolutely determined to get what he wanted from me. I got him to stop again, after a few minutes. I got up and told Kami what he was doing, and that I wanted him to quit, but she just said to let him do it. But I did not like the feeling that it was giving me when he tried to do stuff with me. So, I kept telling Chris “no”. At this point all that I really wanted to do was to crawl in a hole and hide.

Later on Mike said that he would have a word with Chris, and get him to chill out a little bit. So, Mike asked Chris to go outside with him and have a cigarette. They went outside, and a couple minutes later they came and said that they were leaving. So, they left and went back over to Chris’s house.

Then the next time we decided to do something we went to Kami’s house again. This time Steven came with them. Kami and Mike said that they wanted to be alone, so Mike and I went behind the curtain by the washer and dryer. Steve went and sat on the stairs down to the basement. Chris pretty much immediately started to kiss me and grab me and stuff, this time I tried to back away from him, because I did not want it to turn out like the last time. But he just kept moving toward me. Then he started to take my bra off, when it was off, he started trying to unbutton my pants. He was starting to move his hand slowly down my pants. I was getting very nervous. I was trying to stop him, but it was not working this time. He was much stronger than I was. He had me pushed against the wall, which was to my advantage and disadvantage. Chris told me that he wanted to go out and talk to Kami, so he did. He left and when he came back in, Mike threw a condom at Chris. (Over the curtain) I assume that he told Kami that we were going to have sex. I think they had all this already planned out. Chris and I hadn’t even discussed having sex. Then Chris started kissing me again, then he was trying to pull my pants down, but I just kept leaning up against the wall. So that he could not pull them down. He got really frustrated with me, and then he left right after he realized that I wasn’t going to let him pull my pants down, and that would mean that we were not going to have sex. I think Chris was starting to get really pissed off at me, because he thought that I was going to be easier than this. Kami had told him that I had had sex with three guys.(which was a lie, I was a virgin!) Steve had heard everything that was going on, and confronted Chris on his way out and told him to respect what I said to him. So, anyway Chris probably thought I was some kind of slut, therefore I would have sex with him no arguments. It’s so funny how many guys think that it is ok to do something to someone as long as they think you are a “slut,” and that you are not together.

Somehow Kami and Chris talked me into meeting with them again. This time we met over at Chris’s house. This time it was Friday May 13, 1994. Everyone was outside talking, but Chris. His sisters boyfriend had there baby out therem and she put her arms out for me, and her boyfriend said she liked me because I had big "tits." That made me feel really uncomfortable. Then Chris came out, grabbed me by the arm and led me up to his room. I followed. I kind of knew his intentions were, but I didn’t think he was going to go through with it. HE then decided that we were going to have sex. He started kissing me and trying to take off my clothes. I did not know what to do. I tried to talk Chris out of having sex with me. But in his mind me going up to his room meant that I said “yes,”. He laid me down on his bed, then forced my legs apart with his legs. I was trying to keep my legs together, which was really irritating him. I told him that I didn't want to this yet. Then he sat up on his knees and put a blue condom on and I got scared. But, he did not put it inside me; he had it on the side (by my leg). He thought he had his penis inside me, so I figured that he must be a virgin, I was and I had no problem with him being one. I hadn’t even asked him though. He even enjoyed it and cummed. This nauseated me. He then took the condom off, and placed it inside a pop can on his nightstand. He was really rough, but I just laid there, thanking GOd that he did not know what he was doing.

Kami then came and told me that we had to get back. So, I got up and got dressed. As I was leaving, Chris told Kami and I to try to come back later that evening so that we had more time to have sex. Then Kami and I left and walked back to her house, which was about a block and a half away. Later on that evening Kami called Chris’s house and talked to their mom. She asked if she would call her mom and make up a reason for us to go back over. I knew that if I went back over Chris would want to have sex again, so I was praying Kami’s plan would not work. I was afraid if I made a big deal out of everything that I would not look tuff, and maybe Kami would not like me, and I was too scared to call my parents because they would suspect that something was going on. Well, Chris’s mom called and talked to her parents and they said that we could go back over for Jamie’s (Chris's sisters) birthday party.

Chris was there from the beginning this time, and I could tell that he wanted to have sex with me again. There was a strobe light in the room we were in. (Shane’s room) Chris kept moving slowly toward me and kissing me and stuff. I knew the reason Chris thought I was a slut was my fault, because of the lie that I had told Kami. Meanwhile Shane (Chris’s brother) and Matt (Jamie’s boyfriend), were making comments on how great they thought my body was. And telling me how they thought that I had large breasts. And that they looked like I had nice looking tits. The comments were making me feel really uncomfortable. Chris was starting to get really upset with them, so he told them to shut up. He then told me to go into his room with him again. I did not want to go back with him at all. I was still trying to think up excuses so that I could leave. Then he grabbed me and took me into his room with him. (His room was right next to Shane’s room.)

He then started to kiss me and I started to shake pretty bad. I was terrified at the look in his eyes. I was beginning to panic; I wanted to just die. He then started to take my shirt and bra off. (I was wearing a black bodysuit.) He then started to kiss me all over, then he tryed to take my pants and underwear off, but I tried to fight him. But he won, I am not very strong and I never was at all, not now. and and He then got himself undressed. I told him that I really did not want to do this. He just kept going, so I thought that maybe he did not hear me, so I said it again. He then gives me a look so that I knew that he had heard me, and then continues kissing and moving his hands around my body. So, since no didn’t work I tried to make up and excuse why we couldn’t do it. I tried to tell him we only had half an hour and that would not be enough time, but he really didn’t care what I had to say at this point. I am guessing, because in his mind he thought that I was a slut so he could do whatever he wanted to me. He started to kiss me roughly and grab me roughly I couldnt even speak. He then tried to lay me down on his bed, but I wouldn’t let him. He was getting irritated with me, and I was starting to get scared. I just kept on struggling trying to get him to quit. He was holding me so tightly that I could hardly breath and I could feel his penis on my belly. He kept kissing me and I couldn’t even say anything. Chris just kept getting rougher with me, but I still wouldn’t lie down on his bed. I just kept trying to move away from it. Finally Chris got mad and hit my head hard on a pipe on the ceiling in his room, and it hurt. At this point I knew that I was going to have sex with him, or I was going to get hurt. Chris really didn’t care at this point if he hurt me or not. So, I finally just lay down on his bed, and didn’t move. I still had my legs close together though. He got on top of me and pushed my legs apart with his hands. His eyes know had a mixture of anger and excitement in them. He was shaking now, and he then put a green condom on, and I prayed to myself that he wouldn’t do it right again. I also knew at this point, even if I screamed that no one would help me. They would probably just hold me down for Chris and maybe even join in. He ended up placing his penis in the same place again. I thought that I was pretty lucky though. He cummed again and placed his condom in the same pop can as he did with the other condom. After he was done he threw his clothes on, and left me there on the bed naked. I got up and got dressed. I just figured he felt as though because he knew I didn’t want to have sex with him, that he might as well not stay and chat.

I know that it was stupid to keep going back near him, but I didn’t know how to get out of the situation. I was late getting home. I went home and took a bath, I felt dirty, my parents yelled at me and I didn’t care at all. I just wanted to get clean and go to bed and forget about the whole night. But I wasn’t going to let anyone see me being weak, because I was going to act strong.

Well, that summer Chris and Kami talked me into dating Chris again. I don’t even know why I agreed to date him again. I still had some demented kind of crush on him. I also thought it might somehow make me feel better Kami one day when I was at her house said that she needed to stop at Chris and Shane’s house for a minute, and I said that was fine. Chris was supposedly not there, and I made Kami promise to stay with me the whole time we were there. After we got there a couple minutes later she left to talk to Shane’s mom. She left me in the living room alone. While she was gone Chris appeared magically. He grabbed me by my arm and took me into one of his siblings’ rooms, and shut and locked the door. He then started to kiss me and take off my shirt. He was grabbing and kissing my breasts and I was shaking and about to cry. He even tried to get me to have sex with him. He was really gentle and nice when he first started until I told him to stop. I was not going to have sex with him no matter what he did this time. I would try and leave the room and he would just get frustrated with me and shove me back in the room with him. Then Kami came and knocked on the door and Chris let me leave.

And I went outside and yelled at Kami. Chris disappeared and I was pissed off at Kami. I told her that I was leaving and she said she just had to say good-bye and she would leave with me, so I said fine. I figured Chris was just really pissed off anyway. I was Chris’s mom’s room waiting for Kami. I was watching the younger kids play Nintendo. Chris came up from behind me and startled me and grabbed me and took me into his mom’s bathroom and locked the door. And all I could think of is how stupid I am. He didn’t even mess around this time; he immediately took my shirt and bra off. He was kissing me really long and hard. He had his hands gripping my upper arms really tight, and had me pressed me against the door. He was kissing me so hard that I couldn’t even say anything. Every time that I would even try to quit he would just bang my head up against the door. He was kissing me all over my body roughly. I was very intimidated but when I finally got him to quit, he got extremely pissed off. He shoved me away from him, and from the door and then shoved me onto the floor. He left, and left the door wide open, and I still had no shirt on. Then Kami and I left and I went home about an hour later.

A few months later, Kami was talking to Chris and he asked to talk to me. I got on the phone, and he said all the guys in his English class would talk about how great they thought my body was. Then he told me that they would all say that I was not good for anything but sex and my body. He said that was the only reason that a guy would talk to me. This really upset me. I felt like I was doing something to deserve this. The next year he told everyone that I was a “dead fuck” and “loose”. A lot of my friends who knew what had happened told me to press charges, but I didn’t think they were doing anything wrong I was provoking it somehow. Later, my sister ends up being friends with Brooke (Chris’s little sister) and Chris tells Sara to tell me that he said “hi”.

then I met Adam through Steve. Steve had told him that I give really good head. He also said that I gave Steve head in the movie theatre, because he said that he was in a bad mood. During the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, I started talking to Adam at the swimming pool. I thought that he was really cute, so I would flirt with him. At this point in my life I had absolutely no respect for myself. Soon after we started talking he would grab my breasts, and try to go down my swimsuit bottoms. At first I really enjoyed it, I thought that it meant that he was interested in me. He would put his hand under my bikini top and play with my breast. I did not care, because at this point so many guys had touched my breast, that I did not feel like they were really personnel any more. Guys would make bets on “how many handfuls” they thought my breasts were. I also felt as though that was the only way that Adam wouldn’t hate me. And at that time I was more worried about the way he felt, then the way I felt. I really did not care about the way I felt anymore. Every time that a guy would not respect me sexually I became drawn closer to them. Adam would always tell me how much he wanted sex, and if someone wouldn’t “put out,” they weren’t worth anything to him anyway.

He would talk about how I would not push him away when he grabbed my breasts. He said that he thought that was really cool. He would say that I would push him away when he when he tried to go down my swimsuit bottoms. He then asked me why. I would tell him that it made me really nervous when anyone touched me down there. One night he asked me on the phone if I would give him “head”. I said that I might if he really wanted me to. He said that he really wanted me to, because of what Steve had told him about me. I was joking around and being sarcastic so I thought that hue wasn’t taking me serious. I had no intentions of giving him head. I was just trying to joke around with him, and flirt with him, and it just went to far. We talked for a while and later he asked if I wanted to go and do something with him the next day. We decided that we would meet at the pool, and then we hung up. He would always tell me and everyone else that he would not do anything with me, because Steve and him were friends. I believed him for some odd reason, even though he had been messing around with almost everyday for a month. Steve called later on that night and he was going to be in town the following day and I told him to come to the swimming pool when he did. I had told Steve that Adam had been hitting on me, and he said that he was going to kick his ass.

Well, the next day Danny and Rachel went with me to the pool. I really did not like being alone with guys anymore. When Adam got there he asked Danny and Rachel if they would walk to Jerry’s and buy us some cigarettes. He asked me if I would stay with him, so he had somebody to talk too. He could not go because he had broken his leg and he was on crutches. So, I decided that I would be nice and stay with him. Not really thinking much about the conversation that we had the night before. I always seem to think that I can get out of situations that I can’t, and I don’t even know why I think that way. As soon as Rachel and Danny left, Adam kept saying that he was in a bad mood. A lot of Steve’s friends would joke around with me about that. But I could somehow guess that he was somewhat not joking around with me. Adam then said that we should go behind the bushes in the shade, so that we could talk, because he was getting hot. This was very stupid of me, but I still trusted him. I still felt nervous, but I figured that it was somewhat still in public. We talked for a little while about absolutely nothing, then out of nowhere, he says “will you suck my dick?” I said, “no,” and he acted like he didn’t like my answer.

I was very embarrasses, so I turned away from him. He then gently grabbed my face, and turned me towards him. I noticed that his shorts were partially down, and I could see his penis. I was then trying to think on an excuse, but I already knew that it was too late for that. I wanted to scream, but I was afraid of what he might do if I did. Then he turned my head down toward his penis and said, “come on and just do it”. I felt like crying and I did not know what to do. I knew I had caused this situation, and I was beginning to regret ever talking to him. I tried to make it along fight, so that Rachel and Danny would get back, and then Adam would probably just quit. He pushed my head down to his penis; he then relaxed, laid back and closed his eyes. He had his hand on the back of my neck. At first, I was trying to avoid putting his whole penis in my mouth. I did not want the taste of his penis in my mouth. I was kind of kissing the sides of his penis.

I looked up at him and I realized that he was going to want more. So, he finally told me, “aren’t you going to put my penis in your mouth. So, I did because I was really nervous and scared. After a couple of times of doing that, I was trying once again to avoid putting his whole penis in my mouth. He got frustrated with me, and sat up. He stuck his penis up with one hand, and told me to open my mouth and he pushed my head down and around his penis with his hand. He pushed it up and down around his penis over and over again, for what seemed like 15 minutes to half an hour. The more I would try to get him to quit, the harder he would grab my neck and push me down. He was finally pushing my head down so far that I was gagging. I had no control over what he was doing; I was just doing what he wanted. I kept trying to get up, but he kept pushing my head down trying to get me further down. He was making me go faster and faster, so that he could even enjoy it more. But I really didn't want him to enjoy it. Then he reached his hand up my shirt, and started playing with my breasts. But I really id not like him touching me now, especially while I was doing what I was doing. He had let go of my neck at this point. I almost puked like three times during all of this. Then I guess I had quit doing what he wanted, like he wanted, so he said that he was going to “help” me out. He was a little gentler this time. I glanced up at Adam out of the corner of my eye, and his head was tilted back and his eyes were parially closed and his mouth was somewhat opened. I could tell by his facial expressions that he was enjoying it. Then he started playing with my hair, and I could tell he was getting even more excited. He was still grabbing my neck and pushing me up and down. He finally pulled me off, after what seemed like forever.

He luckily did not cum in my mouth, but the taste in my mouth was still horrible. I would not swallow. I was afraid if I did that the taste would never go away. I just wanted him to leave, so that I wouldn’t have to think about this stuff anymore. Then he told me that he wanted to get me horny, so that I would have sex with him. He said that I should since he was nice and did not cum in my mouth. He sat me down next to him, and he told me to spread my legs apart. I didn’t, so he pried them apart and unbuttoned my shorts and slipped his hand down my shorts. He then slipped a finger inside of me, and he then started fingering me. It wasn’t working, so he slid a second finger up into me. I jumped up because it hurt so bad. Then he tried and jammed three fingers up into me. And it hurt so bad that it brought tears to my eyes. When he realized that it wasn’t working, he quit. Then he leaned back and told me to give him “head” again.

This time I just did it though. Right after I started Sara was coming so he let me quit. I scooted away from him. I held my legs to my chest and I felt disgusting.

Rachel and Danny came back and Adam decided that we were going to play, “truth or dare”. He dared Danny to grab my breasts, and then dared him to kiss me on the lips for 5 seconds. Steve finally showed up and I kissed him to get that horrible taste from my mouth. He didn’t even sense that there was anything wrong with me. He just thought that I was really happy to see him. After Adam and Steve left I told Danny the whole story. Danny just hugged me. He told me that everything was going to be Ok, and that I should tell Steve. He also said that I should have told him while Adam was still there, and he would have kicked Adam’s ass. About a week after this all happened I decided to tell Steve. I was afraid of what he might say r do. But Danny had me convinced that Steve would just feel bad for me for what happened. I thought he would be mad, because that was just the way that Steve was to me. I thought he would just blame me for everything that had happened. Danny said that Steve had no reason to be mad at me and if he was to tell him to fuck off. When I finally told Steve, he yelled at me for doing it, and had no sympathy for me. He said that I was a slut for doing that to another guy while Steve and I were together.

Eventually he started this crap about kicking Adam’s ass. After all this, about two weeks later, he made me give him “head”. Even though I told him that I absolutely did not want to. He did not care, because he said that he was my boyfriend and I was going to do it. Then he said that if I sucked Adam’s dick then I better suck his, or he would break up with me. So, I tried but I could not do it. He grabbed my neck, (like Adam did,) it scared me, and I got out of the car and I almost threw up. Steve called me a whore, got mad and he would not talk to me for days. Finally, I sucked his dick, and then he would talk to me. I just kept swallowing and concentrating on something else, so I wouldn’t throw up. I just felt like crying, but I did not want to lose Steve.

Adam and Chris got arrested for robbing a gas station my sophomore year. When it happened I could not help but worry that Chris and Adam would talk about what they both did to me. I still wonder, if that conversation ever came up. There are times that I worry that these guys are going to do stuff to someone else. I just pray that if they do, they will do it to me again. Because I don’t want someone to have to go through what I have to.

At this point, I could swear that these guys sat in class and would make bets on how far they go with me. (Chris won, I think.) At the beginning of my freshman year I started dating Steven Barton. He was great to me at first, and didn’t pressure me to do anything with him. After we were together for about 4 months, he tried to get me to have sex with one of his friends Will. Another time he made friends with some new guy to the school and he held me down so his friend could give me hickies on my breasts. I could hardly believe he would want to do this because we hadn’t even done anything like this. Later he decided that we needed to be more intimate. He would make me let him go down my pants, in the middle of class, during movies. Guys that would see what he was doing would call me a “ho”. Then I started to see his temper. He would get mad at me and hold me on top of the lockers at school until I would apologize to him. He switched all the classes that he could, so he’d be in my classes.

Then he started hitting me for one thing or another. Then he told me that I needed to do more with him, so I gave him “head”, because he wanted me to. The stuff happened with Adam, I agreed to have sex with him. He told me if I wouldn't then he would brake up with me. I tried, it hurt to bad and I’d get scared so I would quit. I told him that I was just scared of everything that had happened to me. He told me that I was just being a “bitch”. So, I apologized because he said if I didn’t he wouldn’t talk to me again. Then he would keep clothes in his locker, and if did not like what I was wearing he would make me change. If I wore make-up he’d wet a paper towel and he’d wipe it off, because his “woman” wasn’t going to look like some “hoochie”. We kept trying to have sex, and it would hurt, so I’d quit. He would get mad and leave. Then one night he told me that if I didn’t have sex with him that night then he was going to break up with me, so I did. Then he decided that we needed to have a child. He would make me have sex with him once everyday. No matter where we were: at my house, at his house, in front of his friends, on the grass at the high school, under a boat in the alley across form the high school. One time we had sex in the back of Marky’s van and someone opened the door at Park in the middle of our lunch hour. I was completely humiliated. I had to anywhere and whenever he wanted me to. There were several times that he seriously forced me to have sex with him. One day I was sick, so I pretended that I felt better so that I could see him. / He had his window down in my car, so I asked him to roll it up. He didn’t, so Sara told him to roll the fucking window up. He swore that it was me even though everyone told him that it was Sara. He went bizerk. I went into his room to talk to him, and he threw everything in his room at me. Pictures, shelves, ect. Marky came in and threatened him. He then said he was going to kill himself and we left. Later I apologized so he would talk to me. He had convinced me that I had done something wrong. Right before we broke up he would pay Nick Brown $25 a meet to watch me and tell Steve what I did. On one meet, Paul kissed me and I told Steve. As a last resort to get me to not break-up with him and date Eric, he beat up Paul.

But I just thought that that was really immature of Steve anyway. I end up pregnant, and I got a restraining order against Steve. Eric and I got together and he would not leave us alone. About a year later, we were at a stoplight and Steve got out of a car behind us, and was hitting and kicking my car. I got out of the car to kick his ass, and anyway one thing led to another and Eric and Steve get into a fistfight. Steve left us alone since the fight. Eric and I get married in July. Then later Eric and I agree that we can do stuff with other people as long as the other person is there, because then we got out the excitement and then maybe we wouldn’t cheat on each other. We had two rules, no sex or oral sex. We have a small party one time and Eric and I got really drunk. We go back in our room, and Eric asked if I wanted him to ask Paul to join us, and I said sure because I thought that he wanted to. Eric asks him, and we start having sex and Paul didn’t do anything at first so Eric told Paul to go ahead and play with my breast. He started playing with it. Then he started kissing my breasts. Eric then stopped, and told Paul to finger me. I didn’t want him to, so when he tried I pulled from him. Then Eric asks me if I want to have sex with Paul. I said no. We finished and then we all went to sleep. I was hurt that Eric had asked me that. He acted like he had no problem sharing me with Paul. Eric and I had like three more threesomes with Paul. Then one night we all were drinking, and Eric went to bed because he had to go to work the following day.

Paul; stayed up and talked. Then he asked me if I would rub his back. I did, and then he rubbed mine. It really turned me on, so I got up and told him that I had to stop. Paul just looked at me and asked me to kiss him and I said that I couldn’t. I started to get up and he started kissing me. I kept trying to move away and he kept kissing me. Then we started messing around. Then he asked if he could eat me out, and I said yes. Then he started and I told him to quit. Then we messed around a while and then I went to bed. I woke up took Paul home and went and told Eric. Paul told me that Eric didn’t mind Paul messing around with me, because he let him do this stuff before, it was true. I did not know what to say about that. Then later Paul started staying with us. I Cheated on Eric again with Paul. Partly because Paul gave me the attention that Eric did not give to me anymore. Plus that was my duty be a sex toy to males and pretend like it doesn;t hurt me. Be strong hold it in.

I basically did hold this all in, but at the same time I didn;t I got obsessed with death, wrote some pretty strange demented poems sat alone alot cryed a lot became anorexic hurt myself all the time I was scared of males and was very emotional

The thing is now that I still have nightmares of new guys forcing me to do things with them. I just want to feel better. Someone to relate to. Someone to understand. I don’t want sympathy at all, I want understanding!!! I don’t want this stuff to run my life. I want to be like everyone else one day. Sometimes I feel like everything in my life has been a punishment from God, from something that I have done. I can't call myself a survivor because I am not ok with myself.


I was sexually assaulted by a gyneacologist. After He had finished attacking me all I wanted to do was sit on the train tracks and get smashed to bits by a train, I still wish I was dead and i don't know how I can go on. That horrible animal abuses the trust of his position to assault women. I know that by not reporting the assault he is still free to assault other women, but i just don't think that anyone will believe me. There should be more help for people whose lives are ruined by unscrupulous medical professionals. The horror of the hideous assault is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and sometimes that just seems too much to bear, and way too hard.

Name Withheld

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