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Survivor Stories

Hi. My name is Jennifer and I am 19 years old. This is not easy for me because I am just now telling my story after 6 years.

When I was 13 my older brother came in the bathroom while I was taking a shower. I didn't know what he was doing at first, but then he started touching me. I didn't know what to do. My parents were away and we were home alone. I asked him to stop. He didn't. I was lying on the floor crying and asking him to stop. I eventually gave up and closed my eyes. I just remember saying God please help me over and over. He stopped after my parents called to check up on us.

I didn't tell anyone what happened. This repeated several times over about a two year period. It got to the point where I was crying myself to sleep every night. I was afraid to be alone with him. I would go to my best friend's house when my parents were not going to be home. I didn't tell her because I thought it was my fault. I just kept thinking I should have screamed louder. Maybe I could have fought him off.

I realize now this was stupid of me to think. No one would have heard me no matter how loud I screamed. We don't have neighbors. And about me fighting him off; well he is about 6 feet tall and 250 pounds. I am not even 5 feet and I weigh 130 pounds.

I can actually say I am getting better now. For many years I blocked it out. I can barely remember any of my childhood. I recently had a job where I dealt with rape victims. This brought back many haunting memories. I have been able to deal with some of my emotions. There are just sometimes when it is hard to sleep and other times when it is hard to get out of bed. I am hoping to get some more counseling in hopes to put the past in the past so I can look to a bright future. For all of you who are going through the same thing.....I wish you luck. You are not alone. Maybe someday we can find peace. Good Luck.

Jennifer
im: Desteneyblue


Hi, it has been a while since I have written and a lot has happened since then. I was attacked while on the job in June of 2000 on my anniversary no less and was then put in the office to try to recover, but due to the fact that I started getting threatening notes then and they couldn't find out who was sending them I didn't feel to safe. and then I started getting real scared cause I was getting a lot of hang up calls and such

This guy that attacked me tried to rape me and I feel that he is the same one responsible for the threats that I've received since then, but am not sure and the police say that there isn't anything that they can do unless his prints show up in their database so essentially I'm screwed on that front cause they are more or less telling me that unless they can actually catch him in the act of threatening me they can't do anything to help me

In the meantime I moved to a different town nearby and the Psychiatrist took me off work cause I was so upset and was getting excrutiating headaches and all. Well I had to let my job know what my new address was and now I started getting letters in the mail from the same person and notes left on the porch when I was home and when I was gone these were all threatening to me and some to my kids and they all said something to the effect that he was going to finish what he started and that there wasn't anything that I could do about it Well I let the local sheriffs office know what was going on and let them know what the other police were not doing and they set up to start patroling the neighborhood while my husband was out and to help keep an eye on me

Then a few days later I saw the guy that attacked me he was parked down the road a ways from my house and was just sitting on the tailgate of a pickup truck and waved and grinned at me when I passed by I got so scared that I started shaking and could barely finish the drive home where I told my husband what had happened and he called the sherriff and they said that they would patrol and see if they could find anybody in the area that fit that description Well no surprise that that hasn't turned up anything

Well since then the guy has broken into my home while my husband was gone and has attempted to rape me again I'm not sure what his malfunction is so far he has had time to do what he says he wants to do but then he just hits me and threatens me and scares me I don't know what the problem is with him but every night when I go to sleep I see his face and his eyes scare the hell out of me cause its like there's no one there but he's violent and sick and knows where I live and the schedule that I have though I've tried to change that up as much as I can and I'm working to improve my defenses around the house my dad even made me learn how to shoot a shot gun and I keep it with me when I'm home alone now and some of my husbands friends and my husband are teaching me some self defense techniques.

I just don't know what I'm going to do sometimes though cause it seems like I'm going to lose my mind and that this guy is playing head games with me I guess that's all for now and I'm sorry if I've bored any of ya'll but I just have to get this off my chest and talk to someone about all this Well hopefully this will help to get some of the demons out of my head.

Allie
website: www.geocities.com/gunsallie
icq: 38908472


I'm afraid to give my e-mail address out, but I do feel a lot like I need to talk to someone. I have never met anyone who has become pregnant through rape before, and I would like to talk to someone. The address I have given (kidkrazz@ivillage.com) is my Mom's address, if you write her and tell her you want to talk to HR she will give you my address.

As of yesterday, it is over. Or, at least, the trial is over. It has been three years now. I can't believe it has been that long. It seems like yesterday. I was 14 years old. I'm 17 now. The twins are two. Three years, and it is just ending for them. For me, I don't think that this will ever end.

I first witnessed sexual abuse when I was seven years old. I was in a group home, and the man in charge regularly abused the other children. I was too old to interest him. I vividly remember watching him abuse a two year old, and being punished when I tried to stop it, and trying to distract him when he was abusing my best friend, and being punished, but he never sexually abused me. Lots of physical and emotional abuse, and neglect, but I escaped with my virginity intact.

I was placed in an adoptive home when I was eleven. It took me nearly three years, but I was just starting to feel at home. In fact I was comfortable enough to go to a party. I thought my friends would be there, but when I got there I didn't see anyone I knew well, so I kind of just stood around waiting. Pretty soon a guy came up and offered me a drink, and probably about fifteen minutes later another guy offered me a drink. I accepted and drank both. About fifteen or twenty minutes after drinking the second drink I got really dizzy and started feeling really sick. I was trying to find the restroom, when a guy took me by the arm. I remember walking outside. That's all I remember clearly, though I have foggy memories of waking up and being surrounded by boys forcing me to have sex with them in every way. I can remember one of them yelling at me to shut up when I tried to scream. But I was pretty drugged, so I don't remember much. Last of all I remember getting in someone's car. To this day I don't know whose.

I remember coming in the house and hearing the family partying downstairs. I felt dirty and ugly, and knew that they wouldn't want me if they knew, so I rushed to my bedroom and locked myself in. I went to the bathroom, where I was sick, and I took a very hot bath. I kept scrubbing myself until I started to bleed, then I went to bed. The next morning my Mom tried to come into my room, but I had locked the door. I told her I had the flu, and wanted to be alone. I had done this before when I was sick, so it wasn't unusual. I found my clothes in the bathroom covered in blood and dirt, and panicked I tried to wash them clean. They wouldn't come clean, so I shoved them under the bed. I stayed in my room for two days. Finally Mom unlocked the door, and acme in. The next thing I knew I was at the hospital. They tried shoving drugs down my throat (including, I think, the "morning after" pill) but I wouldn't let them. There was no doubt I had been raped. Pretty soon I realized that I was pregnant.

I knew the boy whose house the party had been at was involved, and apparently his family did too. Somehow they found out I was pregnant, and they offered to give me money every month to take care of the baby if I didn't say anything about the rape. Not wanting to talk about it, I agreed.

I knew I didn't want to raise a child concieved through violence, so I found adoptive parents for my baby. At this time I had no memories of the rape, and the boy I knew was involved was Hispanic, so I assumed the babies would be Hispanic/Caucasion. I ended up giving birth to twins premature. The adoptive parents came to the hospital, and said that they didn't want the babies. They described them as looking like boiled lobsters. Apparently they only wanted a cauasion baby, but had agreed to Hispanic/Caucasion hoping they would be light enough to pass for caucasion. Their loss, by the time they were a year old it was obvious the twins were blond haired and blue eyed, defintly not Hispanic/Caucasion.

Even though I loved the twins, I found it very difficult to take care of my son. When he cried I found that it bothered me much more than his sister's cry. Though I tried not to I often found myself propping him in the crib with his bottle, or putting him in his crib to cry. I never hit him, but often left him in his crib and left the room fearing that I would. As he grew older he was diagnosed with autism, which made it even more difficult on me. His behaviors would bother me, so I would leave him alone, and his behaviors would get worse. It was a vicious cycle I struggled with for nearly two years. Finally, three months before their second birthday, I suffered a nervous breakdown. While in the hospital I dealt with a lot of junk from my past, including the loss of my parents, abuse in my childhood, and the rape. I came to realize that I couldn't give my babies the life they needed. My aunt took custody, and later adopted.

I now have a very open relationship with my kids. I saw them just this evening. I can hold my son without seeing the face of a rapist whenever I look at him. My relationship with him is strong. Sometimes he still calls me mommy, but they are adjusting to calling my aunt mommy. He is defintly not autistic, he was simply reacting to the situation. Though I do regret giving up my children at times I know that it was the best thing for them.

I thought that would be the end of my story, until a couple months ago, when I finally decided that I could no longer deal with this boy walking the halls of my school every day. I couldn't go to school, and had to be home taught because of him, and very few people knew he was a rapist. I actually had a court order at this time ordering me not to reveal his name. However, I went forward in front of the entire school, including this boy, and talked about the horrors of rape. I started a support group at the school for victims of rape and sexual abuse. And I started attending church with my aunt and the twins.

This is where the boy who came forward saw me. He had seen me at the assembly, heard me talk of the rape, and of giving the twins up, and then he saw them at church with me, and he knew he couldnt' keep quiet any more. He came forward, admitting to being involved in the rape. The case was reopened, and he gave the names of five other boys who had been involved. I had no idea it was that many boys.

The first day of the trial when he got up to testify I couldn't take it. He was describing, in detail, what they did to me, and I ran out of the court room screaming. The second day I did better, having talked to a number of my friends before and having lots of additional support. I managed to survive the lawyer trying to convince me that I didnt' remember anything because I was drugged (I know I was consious at least twice). My therapist, two doctors, and my sister testified as well. The third day of the trial it was there turn. The first witness they put on the stand was the sister of one of the boys. She stated that she had been sleeping with the four boys, and that the fifth was in the room, at the time of the rape. She was obviouslly emotionally damamged, and it killed me to watch my lawyer tear her testimony apart. I have no doubt that her story was true, aside from the times. Finally it ended with her admitting that she could have the times wrong. Their entire testimony fell apart. The other boys testified, but that was it. Everyone knew they had lost.

The next day we got the verdict. The lead boy (the one who had paid me to stay quiet) was given 3 years. The four other boys recieved 6 months house arrest, one year of parole, and 200 hours commnity service. The boy who came forward just received community service, which was what we had asked for. He has really put an effort into making a change. He wrote me a letter of apology (which I burned) and gave me letters that I may or may not give to the twins. His parents defintly want to be involved with the twins, and my aunt and I may choose together to allow him to have some supervised visitation. He is attending counsling, and getting help. I was his only victim, and while he was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure at the time he admits that he had no excuse, and he doesn't try and make any. The other boys showed no remore whatsoever, and I feel like they should have gotten a stronger sentance, but at least they got something. At least people know.

HR


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