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Survivor Stories

I was raped on March 11, less than a week before I turned 18. I was a freshman at college. My boyfriend and my best friend were out of town for a class trip, so I decided to go out with a couple of my best girl friends. We went out to the upperclass dorms and were drinking and doing beer bongs... I hadn't partied in months, but I wanted to go all out and have a great time with my friends since it had been so long. The partying continued, and this is when my terrifying night began.

The girls- there were four of us together- got separated going from room to room to party, but it wasn't a big deal because we were with so many of our other friends. I started hanging out with one particular guy, Eric, who I had been very close to first semester, but hadn't seen in awhile. We were catching up on things, and he was my "escort" around that night. He was giving me shots off the beer bong and just hanging out with me.

At some point that night we went walking and ended up in a bathroom, so we could talk alone.... but it didn't seem strange to me that we were alone, because we always used to go off together to talk. Soon after we went in there I gave him a hug in response to whatever he was saying, and he asked me if I knew what I did to him. Of course I had no idea what he meant, being so drunk. He took my hand and made me feel his erection. Then he unzipped his pants and exposed himself, making me rub him. I freaked out, saying he was gross and telling him that my boyfriend would be mad if he knew about that. He told me it was ok and that my boyfriend wouldn't care, making me feel stupid that I was freaking out.

I kept yelling and making such a racket that he got scared, and we left the bathroom, continuing to walk around as if nothing had happened. I thought that was the end of it, because he was just my friend, and I obviously didn't want him. It was late, and I couldn't find any of the girls, so I was going to walk back to my dorm alone. When he offered to walk me back, I accepted, realizing that I was too drunk to make it safely on my own. He gave me a piggyback to my room, and we went in. I had no roommate, so it was just the two of us.

I started passing in and out, and each time I awoke he was doing something different to me. At different times he had me in various stages of undress, fondling my breasts and genitals. I protested to it all, citing my boyfriend more, saying we were just friends, saying to leave me alone. Through it all though, he told me it was ok, until finally I gave in or he went on when I passed out anyway. Finally he put pajamas back on me. Milk (the rapist's nickname) kept pressuring me for sex. Amidst all of my protests, I passed out, waking to find him inside of me. I was scared and confused as to what was going on, but because of the alcohol I kept passing in and out.

I told him to leave me alone, but he didn't. Sometime during this, he woke me and tried making me flip over, eventually flipping me himself, and then continued raping me in the "doggy-style" position. I passed out again, waking to him inside me yet again. He pulled out, then asked if he was better than my boyfriend. I was afraid, humiliated, and thought I had done something wrong. He got dressed and said he would see me later, then left. I went back to sleep.

The next day my friend and boyfriend came back. I told them what happened, then I decided to take action. I told some faculty members and went on to have a school hearing. Eventually he got expelled. I still lost a lot of friends, had many people not believe me, had many vicious rumors spread and I had scary confrontations. I finished out the last month of school though, because I didn't want him to have taken that from me.

I was in self healing denial, trying to be strong, for a long time. It's been four months and nine days, and I am just now really starting to heal. After my rape, many girls came and told me their stories, and told me how brave I was. I was just doing what I needed to survive though. People cope in different ways. I just pray that he never does it to anyone else. May God bless all of you who have gone through it, and please find help.

Eileen


Before stating down the pain of my life I would like to bring to knowledge that not only women but men are also victimized for rape & sexual assaults and as far as a recent thesis done by somebody that out of 20 men 2 are victims of rape in Pakistan.

Reading out one of a rape story by Usman Aman belonging to the same motherland gave me courage to tell my experience. Please if I make some grammatical mistakes please ignore them because it gives me such a pain telling it out once again.

It happened around seven months ago in February 99. One of my college friend Sherry (shehryar) had arranged a few passes for this millenniums last beauty pageant CAPRI'S Miss Islamic Republic of PAKISTAN 99 which we thought was a great deal because the tickets were quite expensive PAK RS. 4000/ which is equivalent to US$80 and now we had them free.

On 18th February we seven friends Salman, Junaid, Fakher, Adnan, Abdullah, Sherry, & me gathered at the venues main entrance & we passed through the security & there we were enjoying the pageant. I never knew that what made these guys so horny that they started hooting & making passes at the contestants & this made me very awkward feeling.

After the pageant was over Adnan offered us a lift in his car which we all excepted. After we had driven for half an hour I realized that we are not on the right path because I thought that Adnan will drop me first because my residence was near the pageants venue little realizing what these guys were up to. When I asked Adnan about it he said that they all had decided to stay for the night at Abdullah's apartment because his family was off to Hyderabad for a week. By this I was convinced & thought that I'll inform my parents about it from his apartment little knowing what these guys had arranged for me.

When the party of seven reached at the Abdullah's apartment the guys went inside the TV lounge leaving me alone in the lobby. After waiting for five minutes I made my entrance to the TV lounge to see what these guys are up to. To my horror a porno flick was running on the TV & these guys were lying on the floor completely naked masturbating.

As soon as I realized what is going on I was grabbed by them & was made undressed by force. I started screaming but they slapped me real hard on my face & Salman started hitting my penis. They started calling me names & that I resembled the latest Miss Pakistan & such things. I pleaded them in the name of Allah but they remained as cruel as ever. They fist fucked me I was trembling & screaming out of pain. Then one of the guy reached me & pushed his penis in my mouth & the other one penetrated in me. I was helpless. After sometime I stopped shouting screaming & etc & surrendered myself completely to their disposal. This thing continued till the second days afternoon.

When I surrendered my body to their disposal I had many ejaculations which for some years gave me an idea that I might be gay & I might have wanted it to happen, but later when I checked out a physiatrist he told me that ejaculating during a rape doesn't mean that you might be gay but ejaculations do happen when you feel a sensation in your anus or feel any type of sexual orientation on top of you.

Now seven months had passed but I just couldn't do anything to those bastards because according to Pakistani laws man assaultation & rape are considered against nature & means the person had committed a sin & this means that I will also be hanged till death unlike other who have sex without marriage. But do tell me did I ask for this to happen or it is my fault?

I had left my case in the hands of ALLAH the Almighty who had seen & knows everything. I believe that these bastards might survive in this world but what will happen to them in the second world where they had to face Allah The Almighty & his Prophet (PBUH) Muhammed. May Allah give peace To Usman Mine & many other victims of this horror minds & give them courage to face it. Good friends are always welcome you can contact me.

Farooq Arsalan


Hello my name is Julie. I can sure sympathize with all the survivors of sexual abuse out there. I didn't even realize that I was the victim of this until my husband found out that something was wrong during our lovemaking. He knew I had men before but didn't know all the details. I had simply told him that I had sex with these men. What I didn't realize is that I had actually been raped twice and molested by the other 4. And believe or not, the two rapes occured by people in Special Olympics.

When I was four years old, I was out in a forest with a trusted family friend named John. He was a little bit older than me. He took off his pants and made me touch his penis and then my memory of that blanks out but I feel that something even worse happened after that. Because of this experience, I began to exhibit signs of a learning disorder and my parents had to put in special classes in grade school and high school and I was treated as a retarded girl. If fact, they even put me in Special Olympics which is where my adult molestation and abuse begins.....

In 1991, a molester named Michael who was a athlete in Special Olympics forced me to have sex with him. I was extremely frightened and didn't want it. I was still a virgin near the age of 23 and surely would have waited for a husband. I didn't know what to do, so I went to my parents and they not only did not give me any emotional support, they also shredded me mentally as well. So I became totally confused about sex. Mike began to get rougher and rougher with sex and I still suffer flashbacks from it today.

In 1992, I had a boyfriend, Richard, who was also an athlete in Special Olympics. I wanted to get rid of him soon after I met him, but he scared me and I was too frightened to leave him. One night, he was very tired and I told him he could stay on the couch. Until this time, he had not indicated any sexual interest in me. I went to take a shower and next thing I know he stepped into the shower naked and began raping me. All I can remember from the sex was being slapped hard on the buttocks. I blocked the incident out almost immediately after and next week, he brought over 2 friends who proceeded to have sex on my own couch in my own apartment and then he raped me again. Sure enough I tried to leave him and he harassed and threatened me for 2 years afterwards.

Then 2 years later in 1994, it happened again with a coach and athlete in Special Olympics named Don. One night as I was watching TV at his place, he began to caress my shoulders and then moved his hands roughly down onto my breasts and then raped me as well. He also shamed me by making the sex act seem like I wanted it. After that, I had 3 more men in 1996, all of whom molested me. I never gave them consent for the sex, it was pushed on me without me asking for or wanting it. They were very rough and cruel about it as well.

To this day, I bear the shame and pain of these events. I believed that I was the culprit of this. I suffered from chronic depression, chronic fatigue, low esteem, and feelings of worthlessness. It took my husband to see that I had been a victim of sexual abuse. I never came on to him or initiated the sex act all the time we were married and sometimes would even forget about it or just not want it even though he made it very wonderful. I hated my body and was ashamed of it and still do to this day. And I suffered and still suffer some flashbacks of the painful molestation as well, even though I didn't remember the incidences. Because of the molestations, I suffer now from a myriad of psychological disorders.

For all potential victims out there, I say: Establish a relationship with someone that you can trust to go to if you are attacked. That way, you will not have to bear the shame and pain that I have felt almost my entire life. My life was a nightmare until I met my husband and he recogized that I was a victim of abuse. It was so bad that I believed that rape and molestation was normal sex and that it was OK for the man to leave me after he used me up.

For all survivors out there, I feel your pain and shame and I want you to know its not your fault. You could not stop the attack. You were not weak, it was something that was done to you. You are strong for overcoming and surviving the attack and moving on in your life. We have a website for abuse recovery and prevention: http://www.blarg.net/~mrpat/BrokenHearts

Julie


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