I never really forgot my abuse... It's always been lingering in the background. I think that's why I learned to deal with it so well. But last year I was reminded that there are always going to those days where the memories just sort of overwhelm you.
I was flying to a family reunion-type event and I had picked up a copy of Drew Carey's Dirty Jokes and Beer to read on the plane. I was very surprised when I read in the book that he had been molested by an older male in his life. This is what happened to me ( actually 2 different guys molested me). Anyway, reading about what he went through really let a lot of the feelings I had experienced come back.
When I arrived at the family function, I found out that there had been a big fight between my siblings and they were avoiding each other. This added to my stress from the plane because basically since I hit puberty I have pretty much alienated myself from my family, (by the way I'm 25, so I've been sort of an outsider around my family for about 10 years) but this trip was one of my steps in getting closer to the family again. To see my family fighting really bothered me.
The third major trigger of this stress event was when I got home, I ran into one of my abusers. He was working at a gas station and he was asking if I remembered him, like we were old pals or something. I just acted like I couldn't place him and left. I cried all the way home. I avoided that gas station for a long time, but it is the only all night station in my neighborhood and I work 2nd shift,so it's inevitable that I have to go there. The next time I went there, luckily he was no longer working.
I am at the point in my life where I have accepted my situation. I know that I am not in any way responsible for what happened to me, and I refuse to cower to the guys who abused me. The next time I see one of them, I will very calmly tell them that I remember exactly who they are and what they did to me...
Here's what they did to me: Jeff and Kevin were friends of my brother's-- they are about 7 years older than me. I don't think Kevin and Jeff know each other. Both of them molested me on several occasions. I remember Jeff kissing me and forcing his tongue down my throat, laying on top of me, and making me perform oral sex on him. I remember Kevin ( the guy from the gas station) more. I think that he molested me more often. He would make me perform oral sex on him and he would perform oral sex on me as well. I remember him making me lick his anus. Every time I gagged he would make me try again "to get used to it." We moved out of state soon after this happened.
I thought that everything was fine until I started Junior high. We had moved back to the area after being gone for about 4 years. I had to enroll in school halfway through the year. The whole new kid in school thing was particularly hard for me. I acted out mostly at home, having argument with my mom, refusing to go out in public with her, etc. This is normal for teens, but it got a little extreme. it went to the point that even today my mom and I can't really have a real conversation.
I started dating and would get too serious with the girls I was with. In 10th grade I became very depressed... I slept all the time, I was late for school functions, I was generally just very hard to be around. I would drive home at night from play practices and just close my eyes and hope to crash. I would cut my hands, I would strangle myself till I blacked out. And I hid all of it from everyone.
I really fell in love for the first time in 12th grade. It was an unusually healthy relationship for me. The romance lasted for about 9 months and she ended it. I sank back into depression for awhile. We eventually talked things out and now we are very close friends.
Since then I haven't been in a relationship. I spent about 3 years really trying to figure out who I am and what I need and want in life. I have learned to control my depression and with the exception of a few days here and there I am able to cope with my abuse. There are only 3 people in this world who know about this abuse: me and the abusers. For now, that's how it has to stay. I'm trying to mend my life since the depression. I'm trying to spend more time with my family and hope that one day I'll be as close with them as before, maybe be able to say I love you again. Thanks for taking the time to read this. This is the first time I've been able to say it.
It happened 2 years ago now,I knew my rapist he was my boyfriend.I was 17 years old and never had sex before.I was constantly beaten up by him on a daily basis and was scared to leave as he frightened me so much.
It was 25th of June 1998,we had been out with his friends i was to stay at his house as his sister was away and i would be able to sleep in her room.
He was chatting outside and i had gone in the house i got fed up of waiting for him to come in so i went to bed.I went up the stairs and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed,i went into the room and closed the door behind me.I heard the door go and he came up the stairs,went to the bathroom and then the handle of the door went.
He sat on the bed and i had a feeling that he was going to do something,he put his hand over my mouth and pinded my arms back with the other.I told him to not do anything but he just told me to shut up.He then took my pj's down and got himself undressed he told me not to say anything to shut up.He then inserted his penis and i was crying and begging him to stop he wouldn't he kept his hand across my face and wouldn't stop it hurt so much i didn't know why this was happenning
when he had finished he left the room as if nothing had happened.I laid there not moving i was so distressed i didn't know what to do i was so scared.The next morning he acted as if he hadn't done a thing wrong.I then found out that i was pregnent i kept my baby as she is a little peach and i love her so much.I have only just spoke about it and it's very difficult to talk about it to people,the police have arrested him but if he gets charged is another matter.My life has been turned upside down and i'm trying to rebuild it as best i can.
Im going to make a long story short and tell you that I grew up the youngest of 7 in my family, Im the only girl, and we lived with my dad. my older brothers would always have friends over and stuff, i never really payed any attension to them at the time, when i started maturing around 12 i guess you could say i was an "early blossomer". alot of my brothers friends thought i looked 15 or 16.
anyways the day before my 13th birthday my family wanted to make it really special and cool for me so they were out and about getting things for my "surprise" party. so i stayed at home thinking i wasnt wanted. i guess one of my brothers new how i felt being home alot by myself so he called up one of his friends to go and check on me at the house. i let him in not thinking anything bad was going to happen, i mean its my brothers best friend and all. i remember him would looking at me in strange ways around the house and he followed me up to my room when i went to change out of my other clothes. i remember him telling me how "horny" i make him and how hes been waiting for us to be alone for a while now. he kept talking dirty and half the things he said i didnt even understand until i got older.
i thought maybe if i laid on my bed and covered up he would go away, but really it was making me an easy target. he ripped off my clothes, even though he didnt have that hard of a time, i was a weak little girl. then he raped me, went downstairs, flicked on the tv and acted like nothing happened and greeted my brother when he got back. i never felt so used and hurt in my life. i told my brother about it a month later, he got in a fight with his now ex best friend and havent talked to him since. now i have a soon to be 3 year old beautiful daughter and i'll be 16 this coming summer.