Well after reading some of these stories I have been thinking about this incident a lot lately and I thought I should write it. OK I know this isn't a rape story really but I'm writing about it anyway.
Well ... mmy cousin was babysitting me...and he was like 15 or something and I was 5 or 6 and we were playing Nintendo (Chip and Dale - I can never play that game anymore) I died or something so I said f*ck and at the time that was a big deal because I was so young and my parents would get very mad if they found out. So I said to my cousin 'please dont tell my parents' or something like that. My cousin said I wont tell but if I dont tell then you have to do something for me. Then the next thing I knew he pulled out his dick and told me I had to look and it..then he is like 'touch it just do it' and he took my hand and made me and then he is like 'suck on it' and he made me do that....and then he wanted me to do more but I wouldnt and then he is like 'fine be that way' and he went on playing the game like nothing happened.....and before he left he said if I told my parents anything he would tell them that I swore.
Regardless, when my mom got home I told her what he did...and about me swearing and she wasnt mad about the swearing but she was furious and the other thing and she told his mom and he had to apologize and I could never me alone with him agian but I still cant stand him.
Although I have visited this website many times this is the first time I have written anything because I have always lost my nerve at the last second. But this is my New Years Resolution to myself so here goes........ I am in my 30's now but was raped when I was almost 16 years old by three men after they pulled me inside the van they were driving. They drove me to a secluded area and all took turns raping me. I have never told anyone except another survivor that I met off of a site similar to this one. And although she is quite a bit younger then myself and our experiences are quite different, we have been chatting for a couple of years now and it has helped me quite a bit, and we have become good friends and I don't think I would even be able to do this if it weren't for her.
However I still find it after all these years impossible to tell my family to whom I am extremely close or even my husband. I have such conflicting thoughts on so many things and it is nice to have sites like these to help know that your not alone and that some of the things you think and feel are not completely crazy.
Overall I am doing fairly well now but the first 4 or 5 years after the attack I was a wreck. I was a virgin when I was raped and I suppose fairly naive about sex as honestly some of the things they did to me I didn't even realize at the time that people did together sexually. It was very degrading and disgusting and it has definitely forever affected my sex life. They threatened to kill myself and my family if I did ever tell or went to the police and I think that had a huge impact on me not reporting it or telling anyone especially because one of them did have a gun that he used to threaten me with. This may sound crazy but I am glad it was three of them because if the one with the gun had been alone I know he would have killed me since he took the most pleasure in hurting and tormenting me and kept saying he was going to shoot me in the head. Also because he could not maintain an erection this somehow was my fault and so he raped me with the gun instead and kept telling me he was going to fire it inside of me.
After they were finished they just shoved me out of the van unto the ground like I was just nothing.
I don't think anyone that has not been raped could ever understand how it can twist your life inside out. I went from a happy personable teen into a moody and very angry person for quite a while. My parents and I were constantly fighting in my last two years of high school and suicide was a very near thought, but one I am glad I never acted on because with time things do get much better. My parents at the time however could not understand why I was acting the way I did and it was a terrible couple of years.
I did finally start seeing a therapist about a year and a half ago and that did help but I really would prefer to talk to other survivors as I don't think unless you have went through this you can truly understand it even if you are psychologist. But that is just my opinion and I am sure the professionals will disagree on that. Although I rarely have flashbacks like I used too, it is the nights when it really gets to me and I still have nightmares and am a insomniac and so surfing the net has been a wonderful thing for me as there is so much information available to help. Thanks so much for your time and even though I didn't go into much detail this was very hard for me and I thank you for listening.
I was 17 when i met "Jason". He was very handsome and I wanted to spend time with him. When he asked me on a date, I was thrilled. I anxiously awaited his arrival and when he arrived,2 hours late, he was drunk. his fried drove him. I went anyway. I was lucky that nothing happened that night but it definately sets the tone for the rest of our relationship.
Over the next couple months I continued to see him. He was cheating on me and calling me all kinds of wonderful names(especially when he wanted sex). I was a virgin and not willing to sleep with anyone. but, I stayed with him, he was my first boyfriend. The next couple months my self esteem plumeted but I was still holding out.
On Oct 30, he invited me to a party and I went. He brought sex up about 4 times and I blew him off. I told him I was ready to go homeand he said he had to run to the store but that he would be right back.....I told him I would go with him and he said to wait because he had to come back anyway. Almost everyone was gone but I agreed. He was gone for a long time and I fell asleep on the couch. I had not been drinking. I heard him come in and say something to someone and then he called me a stupid b-i-t-c-h. Instinctively, I knew I was in trouble. He came up the stairs to the living room and told me to get up. I asked if we were going. He said yeh and grabbed my hand and led me to the back. I can"t remember exactly how this happened but the next thing I knew I was in some bedroom in the back of this house pinned to a bed. He wrestled my shirt and bra off and the took my pants domn and ripped off my underwear. he raped me first on bed and then pulled me down to the floor. He started in one corner and when he was finished we were on the other side of the room. I screamed for the first part but then i knew no one was coming so i just cried. when he was done he got up and went to the bathroom. he came out and threw toilet paper at me and told me to get cleaned up. He said I needed to because I was a mess. There was blood on the bed and the carpet. My back was bleeding because of a huge rug burn. He said he would take me home or I could walk...I LET HIM TAKE ME HOME! That is not even the worst part. I continued to see him (I still don't know why)
The next couple of months got continually worse. HE continued to rape me occasionally but he also started to hit me. He threw me into a table, left constant bruises around my arms, left bruises on my legs from punching me and finally started to hit me in the face(this was his choice punishment when i refused a sexual favor) He started to threaten my life and I knew I had to get out. I was 17 for petes sake! Finally one night he said it was over and instead of begging him to stay(YES I DID THAT,i don't know why) I let him go. I give most of the credit to GOD!
I am now 25 and happily married. It has been many years of counseling and the still occasional unwarrented fear but I am so much healthier! My husband is phenomenally understanding and is very suppotive. Our sex life is not great but we work on it. I am a survivor and I wish all of you the very best in life and in your recoveries. GOD BLESS YOU!