im 13 years old and it first happened when i was in year 5.
My brother raped me, he said if i told anyone he would kill me. then after he raped me, he would come into my room and touch me. i told him that i didnt like this, i told him to stop, but he didnt. i couldnt understand why he was doing it, i knew it was my fault and i still know it was my fault now. every night i have nightmares.
i finally told my mum in year 7 she didnt really say much. we dont talk about it ever. my brother does not live me anymore but he comes and vistits. everytime i see him i remember and i hate him. but i hate myself more. i know its my fault, i should have done something, anything. but i didnt.
he has ruined my live, every day i wake up wishing i were dead i feel alone and im always scared. my mum thinks im a normal teenager but im not. i wish i were dead. nothing will stop the pain i feel. my brother should be punished, i should be punished, i should be dead. it was my fault i know that and i wont deny it. my life is ruined, every night i wake up and i actually FEEL the slap, as he slapped me across the face. i would cry and beg and say no, but yet he still raped me and felt me for 2 years, i should have told someone the first time it happened but i didnt, and for that, my brother and i should be punished, we both should be dead for the bad things we have done.
This all happened the night of new years eve this happened less then 2 days ago and i'm still very upset about what happened what a way to ring in the new year (2001) , my friend got raped and i feel like it was my fault cause i wasn't watching her.
this is what happened : Me,rachel ,and shelley (i'm using fake names) went to a motel party on newyears eve with some boys that shelley knew, shelley knew dillion and john for a years ,john use to be shelley's brothers best friend .so we trusted them and plus we got high with them and drunk with them before even though as 15 year olds we shouldn't be doing such a thing.well when we got to the motel we wll were having fun and we were smoking getting high and drinking and playin' games and bascically partying.and then shelley and dilion went to another room and had sex and me and rachel tried to stop it but shelley wanted to so we let her plus ,shelley always does that kinda of stuff she kinda has that repution .but she had been fucking dillion on the regular so it was okay i guess .
so after dillion and shelley come back from doing whatever dillion trys to get with me and rachel but shelly didn't let that happen . and all suden shelley got upset for some reason so i went to go comfort her in the bathroom and then i came out rachel was on the bed with diliion messing around and i was in shockand didn't know what to do mind you iwas so wasted so i bang on the door so shelley could get out of the bathroom and help me with rachel but it was to late when she got out , rachel was gone and so was dillion and john they brought her to the room across the hall but me and shelley didn't know that at that time so we were running around the motel looking for rachel and finally shelley heard them in the the room across the hall and were pounding on the door beging them to let her out but they wouldn't and we heard kissing and we were flipping out,when they finally came out the room after a while rachel looked like she was in a daze and we asked her what happened and she told us they both made her have sex with them and she said no and they woiuln't stop
rachel told us first dillion took of her pants and then began fucking her while john was kissing her and then when dillion was done john began to fuck rachel and dilion was cheering her on , when she told us this we were furious that these 2 boys dillion is 19 and john is 20 took advasntage of a 15 yearold drunk and high girl as soon as we found out the whole story we bitched out the boys and left , it was so sad rachel wa crtying and me and shelly began to cry .she had only had sex once before this time with her boyfriend prior to dillion and john . and that night stll goes unreported .
this taught me a big lesson you never know who you can trust . girls watch out who you trust and don't go to motel's with boys. you never know what could happen.
I don't know where to start. I feel like a target for abuse sometimes. I never really did anything to fight any of it off, not even as an adult. The therapist I used to say it was because I was programed not to say anything or fight back. It just makes me angry and hate myself for not even trying. At the time of the final attack, I wouldn't have cared if they killed me and even found myself trying to egg them on to do it so I wouldn't have to cope with it.
My first experience was when I was 4-5 and was done by my brother. He would look at pictures in a Playboy Magazine and then try it on my in the upstairs bathroom with the tub running. I would cry and tell him to stop, but he just told me not to tell mom and dad or I would get in big trouble. I never really remembered this until I started dealing with everything else. I wasn't angry at him, I love him, he's my brother and has always been there for me. He never did this again. I finally confronted him on night when we were alone. I asked him why he had done it and he just said he didn't know why and that he was very sorry. He has been guilty and wondering when I would ask. I simply chalked it up to childhood experimentation. Right or wrong, I don't feel any anger for him.
When I was 13, a man who was like a grandfather to got drunk and cornered me in an building and molested me. I was so shocked, I tried to talk my way out it and he just kept telling me how pretty I was and fondling my breasts and crotch. When I finally got away, I went in to the house where my mom was talking with a friend. She saw I was upset and I told he what had just happened. When my dad got home on the weekend and he went and talked to him about it. Vince appoligized to me and that was the end on it. He was allowed back in the house because he was a close friend of my parents. He would always hug me and try to kiss me. I would let him. I didn't know what to do, I was so confussed and it must not have been that big a deal, my parents had forgiven him and it was swept under the carpet. As I got older, my anger with him grew, to the point that I didn't want to be in the same house and would leave.
The next two happened within about a week of each other wjile I was stationed with the Army in Korea as a nurse. Being on a military installation, you can develop a false sense of security because the bases are generally safer as far as violent crimes go.
So I got talked in to going up to an isolated Field Artillery base for a party. There are no women on this base and I knew I shouldn't go up there and stay. I over road my sense and went any way. A guy I met there who was a Westpoint Officer and I went out with my friend and her boyfriend for a couple of drinks. On the way home he tricked me on a coin flip and I had to give him a backrub. I gave him his and then he offered to give me one. I consented and laid on the bed in just my underpants. He started the backrub and I became lost in thoughts and memories of my fiance who had died 7 months earlier just before our wedding was to happen. I was feeling guilty for enjoying this backrub. Suddenly he penetrated my rectum and I cried out and told him to stop. He didn't and I gave up and laid there and cried in to the pillow. He rolled me over and tried too enter me again, but I was a virgin and small and tight. It didn't matter and he forced himself in to me. I clenched my jaw against the pain as my vagina tore at his passage. I pleaded for him to stop, but he just kept going. He pulled out and moved up to my chest and ejaculated on my face and chest before sticking his penis in my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening and I didn't know what to do with this thing. I don't remember when he stopped, I just layed there unmoving the rest of the night until he got up and left. I took a scalding shower and still fely disgustingly filthy. I left and went back to seoul and stayed to myself and didn't tell anyone. I endured the nightmares and pain from my torn vagina. I went to work at the hospital and home. I was depressed and dispondent.
I was working New Year's Eve and got off duty at 0200 on the first. I bundled up in my field jacket and began to walk home. It was only about three blockes from the hospital to my house. Something told me to get an escort, but I over road my sense. I walked down the sidewalk and saw three bundled people coming toward me. Again I over road my sense and continued on instead of turning back or crossing the street. They stopped me and asked for directions to the Officer's Club. I started give them when two of them punched my stomack and the third crabbed my head and brought up their knee and hit me in the face.
They woke me by urinating one my face. They forced me to get up and then to take off my clothes. I couldn't do it and begged them not to do this. I was completely terrified and shaking badly. When I didn't do it they beat me and kicked me. They dragged me up to my feet and told me to strip. I slowly complied, crying hysterically. It was horrible and I couldn't believe I was cooperating with them. They told me I was meat and they were going to start by iinspecting me, cleaning me, and tenderizing me. They put their hands all over me, poking, prodding pinching squeezing everywhere. I tried to cover up, but they told me to gett my hands behind my neck. When they broke and came down to cover my body, they slapped my broken face. They finally put some kind of braclets on my wrists that connected to each othe and various other platforms and thigs they used. They rinsed me with scalding water inside and out. I was raw and cramping as they began to beat me mercilessly.
Then they started the rapes and torture and beatings. I felt like I was watching from a corner as they manipulated and mutilated my helpless body. I could see anything and the horrible headache and thundering noise in my ears made it impossible to hear them. If I struck out, I was punished. When I swung my are amd hit one of them, they dislocated my R shoulder and put it back and did it again and agian. The shoulder was easily dislocated the rest of the time and easily stressed. I took something they had put in my rectum out and they broke three fingers. They would manipulate them on occasion to rouse my for a more stimulating sexual experience for the person using me. They broke many ribs during the ordeal. There was a female there who raped me and made me perform oral sex on her. She is very difficult for me to deal with. Women aren't supposed to do this type of thing. She was the one who would do something to cause pain so I would tense up for whoever was using me at the time. She played with and stimulated my body over and over.
The hardest thing for me to comprehend and understand was the ritual part of it. They placed something in my mouth and commenced to slapping my face over and over. The thing in my mouth was gashing it deeply and painfully. I couldn' hold it and couldn't eject it. They removed it and each kissed me roughly and suck my blood out of my bleeding mouth. They used a snake and forced it up in to my vagina. It was horrifying as it move inside of my until it went still. The snake was removed and forced in to my mouth. I tried to resist but couldn't. They forced its dead head in to my mouth and then punch me under my jaw. I bit the head off in my mouth. I was trying to eject it, but my tongue kept going in to it's mouth. I finally removed it, I was way past hysterical. They used a cat, based on the rough feeling of the tongue that liked something off my breasts and crotch.
I hated myself everytime my body would become aroused by their ministrations. I was being betrayed by it and still am everytime I have flashbacks. How could I find this arousing?!
This type of torture went on for 22 hours when they put what was left of me in a car and dumped me outside the hospital. They told me they were going to let me live so I could live with this.
I was put on a military aircraft and flown to Hawaii for the medical care I needed. They were on the aircraft and raped me some more. They used the cargo strapes to tie me down on the cold steel non-slip deck. They removed stiches and splints and IVs. They used me over and over. I couldn't defend myself, I was too weak and really didn't care. I was hoping I would die from this. I didn't want to cope with this. I tried severla times to get them to beat me either unconscious or death, but they were too good. They knew exactly what they were doing and inflicted the most pain without any life threatening damage.
I got to Tripler Army Medical Center in Hawaii and was there for 6-8 weeks on the top floor where I couldn't leave and no one could come up without a key. I had several surgeries to reconstruct my face and fix my fingers. I was kept drugged for the first several weeks. I had come to believe I had had a bike wreck and it stayed that way until I started having break through memories.
There is absolutely no proof I was ever treated in any hospital or that an aircraft ever flew to Hawaii. I have no proof this ever happened except for the scars I have to look at everyday and the embarrassment and shame I feel everytime someone else sees them. I can't let any one in close, no matter how bad I want a relationship.
I just passed the aniversary night and the nightmares and flashbacks have been horrible this year. I am stationed in Japan and am too close to Korea for my happiness.
I just can't forgive myself for not following my sense and getting in to this mess. For getting in to most of these situations. I'm mad for not speaking up about any of them. I'm mad at what they stole from me. I was a 25 year old virgin and still idealistic. Now I'm cynical and present a rough exterior to keep people out for safety. I can tell myself its not my fault, and my brain knows that, but I still can't stop blaming myself.
I can dissociate on demand now and basically force things to stay under control until I get home and pull out my journal, dissociate and let it flow on to the paper. I want to finish healing, but I just can't talk openly about this horror. I have a very difficult time using the words like rape, torture, sadism. The words are so powerful and carry such big connotations and sound over dramatic to me. I feel like a freak who no on e can handle my nightmare. They tell me it happened 10 years ago, get over it. Easier said than done.
Sorry for getting so wordy. It just kind of opened the flood gate. Thanks for listening.