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Survivor Stories

It is hard for a guy who has been sexually assaulted and it's even harder to tell. So here is my story.

I was raped when I was 8. I was with my family and friends spending a hot summer's day at the park I think that it was just before christmas (i live in australia) though I will never forget that day it was just after lunch and I had to go to the toilet there was a man in the toilet and he asked me if i wasnted to have sex. Being 8 i didn't now what sex was I do remember saying NO.

I remember that there was no-one in the toilet block. I remember entering a cubicle and closing the door behind me he put his head under the door and asked me again I said no again I opened the door to go back outside and that is when he pushed me back inside and closed the door at this time I was scared and started screaming for my mum he was a policeman and I had to be quiet as there was a bad guy outside after me and if I did'nt do what I was told he would kill my mum I believed him who would'nt he said that he was a policeman. Me being 8 and extremely niave believed him. He pulled his pants down and put mt hand on his thing he used my little hand to stroke it He then told me that my mum said he was to look after me and since he was a cop he coould do that to me that's what they can do to little boys if they're noughty and bad for their mums.

He told me to stand up and be quiet he took my pants of and said we are going to play a game he started pulling it and then took it in his mouth he started sucking on it I was told that I was a very good boy then he bit me I started crying loudly that's when he said that I am now a big boy after that and now i was to do the same to him i remember a really bad smell and him hitting me when i said no I was hit and i remember him ejaculating I had to swallow and then he put his finger in my back side I cried the next thing I rememberis my undies in my mouth and bending over the toilet then the pain it seemed to last for ever i wanted to dissapear after he finished he said that i was a good boy and that he would tell everybody that he got rid of the bad guy in the toilets.

My mum's been great she called the police and has helped me to get through liffe I died when I was 8. I take each day as it happens though i will never forget that day in the park.

Jay

I am fifteen years old and a rape victim.

When I first met Scott* last christmas I thought he was sooo cute!! He came over to stay with my brother. They were both high school seniors. I was scared to even talk to scott*!! So slowly I tried to develop a relationship with him. Everytime he would call I would stall him to talk to me before handing the phone over. I was in a relationship at the time so I didnt get too excited!! When my boyfriend and me broke up, I went to a party and Scott* was there. We hooked up that night and fooled around. I was like, wow an older guy is paying attention to me!! Im worthy of a senior!! I was a freshman, so ya know how it goes. We had sex at the next party, both very much under the influence of alcohol. Im not a slut or anything, it was only my 3rd time total. I just didnt know how to refuse. A month later we started dating. I couldnt tell my parents b/c he was 17, and plus he was always at our house. I didnt want to ruin that! I snuck out to meet him a lot, and I went to a lot of parties with him.

My brother was kewl with that, and all my friends were in awe. He treated me so much better then any guy my own age. I loved how smart and confident he was! We had sex a couple more times, and then eventually he told me he loved me. After he graduated my brother and him got an apartment together. One night Scott came and picked me up. He had been drinking. We went to a feild where he bitched me out all night saying I was a cold hearted bitch and I was nothing but a tease. I was so hurt and betrayed. When he took me home I cried myself to sleep and then broke up w/ him when I woke up. I thought it would be the best thing, and it was over, that was it. But yet I cared for him soo much, so went to stay with my brother a lot, and I would always end up w/ scott. One night I had been drinking and he said he wanted to ahve sex. I said no, I dont like it that much and I didnt want to, but he wuoldnt listen. As I cried he forced himself on me. When he was done he went into the bathroom and came back and told me he loved me and he was sorry. He said he didnt know I was crying.

Foolishly I believed him. It happened a few more times, and I didnyt know what to do. I finally told my best friend, who told me I was raped. When I confronted Scott he denied it. He wouldnt stop calling and giving me all this bullshit so finally I told my parents we had sex and I was scared of him. In a rage they threw him out of the apartment. Instead of suppoting me they called me a whore and a slut and any other name imaginable. I felt so guilty for getting him thrown out, and he told me the least I could do was talk to him since I got him kicked out. I was so lost and confused I tried to kill myself one night. Its been 3 months since I first told my parents, and they are still in the phase of not knowing how to talk to me. I just want to say HE RAPED ME but I cant. I dont want him to hurt more, but then I think what about me? Im hurting, but yet I dont want to screw him over. Isnt that what he did to me?? Screw me over?

I know now he manipulated me into thinking I needed him, but the bad thing is I still miss him. My feelings change day to day about what he did. I think its my fault, then I think its his. I cant even say the word rape. When I try to talk to my best friend about it I feel so ashamed and stupid that I didnt know. Why was I so blind? Why am I still blind? I just dont know what to do anymore. He is still calling me and trying to control me and I dont know how to just end it. He is 18 now, and that is sagitory rape, but what about the other things?? I just hope I can get throught this and find someone who cares about me. Sometimes I feel good again, but other times I feel like I am nothing withouth Scott. I have scars inside that wont go away. I think to myself "its going to be different witht he next guy" but I cant even think about how its going to be. Am I always going to be in a relationship like that? Is that what i deserve? I hope somebody understabds what im talking about...and someone else reads this and can relate.

Alyssa
im: bluecorkyapg


I am still coming to terms with my story and I am 24 years old, but I remember it all started when I was four years old and was at my new babysitters house. I had a friend named Beverly who was also being looked after there, she was my best friend. I remember one night Beverly was running down the hallway away from Scotty the babysitters son he had to be about 15 years old. She was laughing and she ran into the bathroom. I thought she in trouble, I can remember thinking she was crying. When I went into the bathrom I saw Beverly was in the tub naked, but she was laughing. I didn't think it was funny and I just went to watch T.V. I can only remember some of the other occurances. I remember an instance when I was 5 and Scotty was holding me captive outside and wouldn't let me go inside to use the bathroom until I pulled down my pants and let him touch me. I did and he still made me pee myself and I got in trouble. He told me if I ever told about the things he did I would get a spanking, and plus no one would believe me and my parents wouldn't love me anymore.

Also once when the babysitter was away doing grocery shopping her other son Kevin took all his clothes off and laid on top of me and began to grind himself on me and open mouth kissing me. I remember begging and crying and telling him to stop (I didn't understand what was happening to me until I was much older), and he covered my mouth and eventually ejaculated on to my clothes and then his mom came in. He took my shirt off and told his mom that I spilled my juice. After his mom yelled at me for being messy he came in and laughed and said it was our little secret.

After a couple of other molesting situations my mom put me in a different day care and I never went to that house again. I also never told my parents about what had happened there. My sex life was completely ruined though. I realized that I had been spoiled once I realized that I had been touched by rotten hands. I couldn't save myself to be loved and once I actually lost my virginity I began to let any man that wanted to sleep with me to just that. I had been with 9 men and not one of them really care about me. I was in abusive and manipulative relationships and I didn't love myself at all.

I grew to the age of 20 and realized that I never actually experienced the art of making love with someone I actually was in love with, until I was 22 and met my current boyfriend. I had an episode where I just told him everything and he was really supportive.

A few months ago I had gone to visit my parents and I they still live in the neighborhood where my former also babysitter still resides. I happened to pass her house and she was outside and had the nerve to notice me. Her family was having a barbecue. Kevin actually said hi to me and I almost began to cry. Last month as I was walking from my mothers house I had seen Scotty and I just froze it was as if after almost twenty years I was still that 5 year old asking to use the bathroom with my pants to my ankles. As he passed me he gave me a cold stare. I think he could feel the anger in my heart.

In recent years I have found out that two of my friends had been molested by Scotty and a child from the neighborhood has accused him of molestation. I feel guilty, because I know that if I had the courage to deal with what comes from these type of accusation to the "alleged victim" I could have saved this child from what will become of them. And I am really sorry, that I didn't.

Lynz

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