My names Sarah and i live in the UK. I'm 14 now but when i was about 9 and i think i finally said no when i was about 11, i was sexually abused. He'd tell me sick stories of others and that i should enjoy it but i didnt. I said no and he said ok, when im older, around 14-16. I dread going anywhere near his house but i'll have to soon to see him, at christmas. i havent told a sole yet. I've made a site where when i can, i type a diary of that day and how i feel. i wish i could tell someone but its too hard. not too long ago my mum got very mad at my dad and beat him up, didnt make me feel too safe, i'll say. anyway my story continues on my site, each day i can.
I'm 21 years old. In three month I will be 22. I sometimes wish that I was rather dead, that I never should have been born. Up untill 3 months ago I had a life which I handled quite okay considering what I have been through the way my dad is and stuff like that. I was just beginning to make something of my life. You know having a good job, having friends, go out alot. But everything changed after one Sundaynight three months and 5 days ago. I bearly go out, I don't interact with people, I am struggeling to find a job and I'm struggeling to survive. I feel isolated from the world, from my family and I sometimes wish that God would please come and take me away. I was raped by two men. They forced me with tem took me to some place where they repeatly raped me. I knew that if I didn't stay calm that they would have killed. Today I wish they did. There were alot of gansters drinking and smoking, I was the only white person in sight.
I was forced to give one of them a "blow job". And at one time I started begging because they did hurt me very badly.Something in me finally broke that night. It was not the first time that such a thing has happened to me I was raped for the first time when I was 17 by a so-called friend in my own home. I feel numb inside, dead is more the word. I surely must have done something wrong to deserve all this. I'm not a person anymore i'm just a creation of I don't know what. I hate my life, I hate myself and I hate men. I tried to be strong, I tried to be brave but I cannot be any of those things anymore. My parents know about the last rape cause my friends forced me to go to the police, they were very supporting but to them it's over now. they just carry on like nothing happened. But how am I suppose to go on. I think of it every day. I can't cry about it I wish I could. I do not even remember the last time I cried. I am seeing a pshygologist at the momemt but she is not very helpfull. I had a few drinks, but was not drunk when it happened so her point of view is that it is my fault. Maybe it is. I just know that I was not drunk. Today I can't sleep in the dark I'm afraid of it, it is like someone is watching me all the time. I'm scared all the time and I keep dreaming about a women getting raped but I seldom dream about my own rape. I'm confused and very lonely. I know that some of you will understand what i'm talking about when I say that I don't want to go on with my life cause there is no life any more for me. It's over. My emotions is dead, my will to survive is not that strong any more. I need you, I need your advice. I believe there is no better advice as from those who share pain and sorrow. So if you have some thoughts let me know.
Other stuff has happened but now I'm kind of just looking for advice or support or whatever I can get because it's hard to find friends- impossible to find friends- who understand what it's like to go home and lock your door against your dad, to worry about dying every day as you walk home alone with the wind blowing your hair around and you see that car parked in the driveway. It's hard for normal people to understand the special games fathers and daughters play, and it's impossible for them to understand that it happens to people right under their noses.
I'm sick and I'm scared- I'm 14 and I think just maybe because now I'm a big girl the abuse has changed its course- he doesn't make me lie down on radiators anymore or hold my head underwater during bathtime because I'm too big. But now he can experiment on me- he always laughs' I'm daddy's little girl, I'm as good as my mother, I'm prettier every day, "I'm so proud of you let me show you how." I can't tell because he would kill me, but that would be better than this- I can't eat, I can't sleep I'm getting great grades because of the pressure from him- I'm just a normal girl because thats how I act- but every night I go home and somehow the house is empty, and he's waiting for me, drunk or not it doesn't matter seeing his daughter in pain is an awesome high for him- he doesn't hit me, that could leave bruises..evidence; but it's so bad that way.
Take today- it's a weekend so he had me all day- in the shower he just came in and dragged me soaking wet into my room on my bed and boom, thats all- not a word spoken, not noise made except for him laughing- and I can't help wondering over and over what did I do wrong- how bad of a daughter was I to have this happen?