It has almost been four years but it still is not gone. I do not think it will ever be. Sure some days go by when I do not think about it but some days go by when that is all I think about. I do not know how I am going to function in a relationship. I have not been able to do it thus far.
I was a first year university student, naive and vulnerable.. trusting. I had just broke free of a long term abusive relationship, both verbal and sexaul abuse. With my high school boyfriend he was very controlling and manipulative. We had sex, my first time, early in our relationship, because I did not think about my actions. Six months went by and I realized that having a bad feeling after sex was wrong. So I tried to talk with him and explain that I obviously was not ready. He threatened to cheat and insisted that I at least give him oral sex all of the time to make up for it. I did... probably a year and a half went by and I finally had no self esteem left so I gave in and started sleeping with him again. Later I found out that he did in fact keep his threat to cheat.
When I moved to go to university I thought I was turning things around. So much was ahead of me and I thought I was going to be alright. As soon as I got there, there was this guy. The first night I moved into the dorm, he was hitting on me. He continued to do so, pursue me.. mostly for sex, for a couple of months. I of course fell for him and his attention he was giving me. So I did sleep with him twice before he dropped out of school in November. I did want to.. I liked him.
But, I of course should have seen the warning signals. One night, staying in his dorm room, we were just laying there. I started rubbing his back.. I had such strong feelings for him.. and then he jumped on top of me and forced himself in me and then pulled out. He apologized and said he could not help himself. I had an urge to leave right then, but did not. I said it was okay.
Months later in the spring, during spring break I had gone home for the week. I saw my high school ex at a bar ... he had offered to drive me home. So I thought, sure save ten dollars by not taking a cab. He said he wanted to go to his apt first to talk. So I said okay.. he said he wanted to talk in his room . So I said okay.. he started kissing me and touching me .. I said no, no, no, no, no, no over and over. I could not stop him .. I did not push him away. I gave up and let him finish.
Two weeks later to the day, (saturday) I was drinking with some friends. Heavily. The guy that had dropped out of university showed up again. Previously he had came back, maybe twice and we ended up sleeping together. I obviously had no self esteem. He told everyone details of what happened each time. I finally could not take it any more and when I heard that he came back this night, I vowed to stay away from him. I could not do it anymore. I told my friends to make sure I was not alone with him. It did not work.
I ended up drinking very heavily. He had drank earlier in the day and I am pretty sure he was sober when he finally came in my room that last time and told my friend to leave the room when I was in the bathroom. I came back and he was in my bed. I was upset that night at the occurence of two weeks prior.. and being drunk, I was crying. He kept trying to kiss me and telling me to be quiet. I just kept telling him that I wanted to hold him and just go to sleep. I remember telling him that I was on my period and that I did not want to have sex. I told him that I liked him too much and that it would hurt me too much. I told him that guys treat me like shit and I could not take it any more.
Then I blacked out. The next thing I remember is him saying that it was almost over and ejaculating on my stomach. The next morning he left early. I got up and had no idea what happened. It took a while for me to remember what little I do. I peiced it together that he penetrated me by the blood on the outside of my underwear and the kleenex (from whiping off my stomach) in the garbage can. In the later months, I remembered the words he said and the end of it. I was pulled almost off the side of the bed. I must have not even moved the whole time.
Since then I have told a few people, mostly gotten unsupportive responses.. why did I not cry out or use physical force? The answer is I DO NOT KNOW.. I don't know and it kills me why I couldn't. I do not understand it. I never will. It has been four years, and I have managed to function but it is still there. I need help dealing with this. If anyone is in the same situation I would appreciate someone to talk to. I apologize to anyone if I am not being very uplifting but it is the truth. I am at a loss. I do not know what to do anymore.
I have told ny story befor on this site only the first rape there were 6 others and numerous times which i call"soft rapes" (not really wanting to have sex but doing it for them) i was 14 when the first raped happened and he was my first boyfriend and although he was my boyfirned i feel there was a constant molestation of my mind , my body ,and my free will from the very beginning. The rapes themselves were very violent often bloody and terribly painful most of the rapes were anal. They happened over a period of a year but as i said the molestation started when i was 12 when we first started dating and lasted until i was 15.
The first and the last rapes are the hardest for me to deal with maybe because they wer ethe most violent and painful the other rapes have just started to haunt my memory. They happened on christmas while his whole house was filled with people he raped analy in his bedroom and told me if i hollerd he was going to throw my naked body out the window, on my birthday in my parents bed which i still have to look at every day and actually know that i was raped in that bed, on easter twice the first time he raped me vaginally later on that evening analy ,one summer night he raped me in his basement on his weight bench while his parents were upstairs,the last rape was on march the third and it was the most violent and painful of all the rapes. I have been in thereapy several times and i have been over mostly all the rapes. It does get less painful but the flashbacks are really too much to deal with anything can trigger mine and i have tried so hard top go on with my life but it seems that the rape was always be there in the back of mind constantly.
My parents and fiance expect that with time i will be healed but how do you heal a wound thats on the inside ,how many times do i have to go ver the rapes with aterapist before i start to feel some kind of closure what if there never is a closure will i always feel as if these rapes control my life? I never pressed any charges against him maybe i should have but i was too scared i guess im 23 now and its been 8 years since the last rape but it still feels as if it only happened yesterday im want to be hopeful and say that i will be healed but im not sure if i even know what that means...Jenn
Ok - how do I start? My father is a fuckhead. How about that? Yes, sounds pretty good. Or maybe, I am going crazy. Yes, that is pretty accurate. This is difficult to write - I got to hand to you - you are definately more stronger than I am.
Ok- just say it, right? I remembered some incidents when my father used to touch me at the age of 9 and 10. He used to put his hands down my shirt, try to stick his tounge in my mouth just after he said to me that you should never kiss anyone like this. I also remember him telling me to sleep with him when my mom went on a trip. I woke up with him on me, hard, not really knowing what he was doing but just having a feeling of being trapped and wishing I was dead. Those where all memories I always had with me.
Last year I wanted to get more settled in my career because I was so stressed in the job I had (which was going nowhere). I quit the job impulsively then asked for it back. I was also having bad dreams. Dreams that made me wake up feeling I was going to die. Well, nothing much was new because I have felt sucidal on and off most of my life. To get straight to the point my dreams and afterwards flashbacks were of my father having anal and oral sex with me. Yes I am going crazy! I still have the dreams and sometimes flashbacks -sometimes they are just feelings or visions that pop up and I try to push them away.
Months later I started to see someone and I was put on antidepressants which work sometimes. This past year has been hell for me and I started to kill myself during 3 different times. The most recent, last week where I began to take more pills but stopped before they were too many. Mostly, no one notices because I just say I am sick and really did not go far enough. Right now I wish I was dead. Some days I feel numb others I am so overwhelmed ( I guess then I become numb again) I never realized I was so disconnected with myself. I really can't talk to even my closest friend because she does not understand and I think is uncomfortable with the subject matter. I just talk with my threapist who I have seen 3 times so far. The first one I saw was through work benifits and that was limited. She advised me to this womens centre and I am so glad it is free. RIght now this is my only hope. I really want to feel better. I am tired of walking around pretending I am happy and being spiritual dead. My good friend is tired of me being depressed. It is good to hear your stories because I know I am not alone. But these feeling are overwhelming and many days I feel I am meant to be dead. I just live day by day. The hardest are the mornings and evenings. I always try to be distracted but it is difficult to read and draw for me because I can not focus that well as I used to. I think I am losing my mind because I get so absented minded. I know logically that this is part of my journey and what does not kill you makes you stronger but emotionaly it does not come together so easily. So right now I will keep fighting and now that everyone out there gives me hope. Thank you for your stories. Thank you for listening.