Hello, my name is Tracie and I was molest and raped between the ages of four and nine by almost every male member of bio~family the abuse finally I was removed from my parent's care was placed into a foster home (It was the same place where two my older sisters were living at the time). But my story is really about what after I was rescused.
Within six month of leaving in I had the first of many meetings with the police to help them form their case againist my dad. (He and my oldest brother Dennis were my primary abusers and the only ones to ever be tried and convited for their crimes.) Well after 6 monthes dad was convited and sentenced to 7 to 21 years in prison and Dennis plea~bargined for 10 years. In short we won!!
I started see a theripist about a month later and besides severe learning problems I had as noromal a childhood as a foster kid could hope for. Well until I hit 14. I got my first summer job, started dating a guy (his name was Mike~ more on him to come We dated for about 3 years) I was working with, had my first mini bout of "MAJOR DEPRESSION" started drinking, and began cutting (I honestly don't remeber how it started or who I learn of it.) My life went down hill from there. At 15 I was drinking and cutting everyday, clinily depressed and was put on my first of many antidepressante medication (which only made my deression worse~ I was thinking about suicide for the first time in my life.) At 16 I was hospitalize for depression after I to slit my wrist. I spent two weeks there in a holding pattren. After being dicharged I returned to my foster home (The same foster home I hading living in since I left my parent home 7 years earlier) Even thur I considered my foster parents m! y mom and dad, our relationship was at this point very strained and was decided that for the sake of the sanity of every one involved it would best if I was moved to another foster home (At about this I got the most wonderfully understanding social worker~ DON). Well next Don sent to live religeous~freaks. who thought mental illness was a sign of demonic posession and exerciose me. I stayed with them for about before I had a complete mental breakdown and checked myself into private hospital. That hospital was Philihaven ~ A safe place for to get my sanity back. I spent two monthes there about myself. After I spent 5 day in a foster home that wasn't right for me and I live in youth shelther for a little while, then i move into group home where my sister Patricia had been before me and had left a very negative impresation about our family on the staff who made my life a living hell. Well I toughed it for 2 monthes before I had another mental breakdown and wandered around on highway for about 5 hours before checking myself into another hospital Then I went into an intensive theraphy program for 8 monthes and it was a great place to get my life back in order.
Next I went to live in an open group, a female staffer there and I became friends then we became lovers (little did I know she was also sleeping with my roomate and bestfriend) Well afther the other vanhish without a state investigator was called in and afther he discovered evidence of their affair and he then had her suspended then called each girl into his office to ask them what they knew about it. When it was my turn he showed the proof (love letter) as I read it I lost it and him about her and I. I went to kill and then went blank I have no memory of the next week all I remember is hearing a voice say my name and seeing Drew a guy whose a big brother to me he been at side that whole week Well I spent 3 monthes there getting back to even ground. Then I turned 18, about 2 lator I met my fiance Bill he calmed me down MY LABEL ~ BPD ODD ADHD PTSD MANIC~DEPRESSIVE OCD MAJOR DEPRESSATION
My story? I don't know where to start really. For a long time I believed it was my fault, I was told it was my fault, and still to this day I am not as close to my family as I wish I could be.
For the summers my parents would send me to Kansas to spend it with my grandparents. I loved Summer time, my grandpa and grandma made things fun and exciting to a child, it didn't matter what we did, everything seemed fun.
My cousins whom I did not see because I lived out of state would also stay with my grandparents when I was there. I was the only Girl out of 11 boys, so I was always special to everyone.
One night two of my male cousins spent the night at my grandparents when I was there. It was fun, my grandmother had a nice large pull out bed and we all piled into it and watched television until my grandfather grew tired and retired to the bedroom himself. We were all young, I was maybe 10 at the time my other cousins 11 and 12. After Grnadpa went to bed wwe all started telling stories and joking around, laughing and giggeling as kids do, but things took a frightening turn. They brought up sex and started talking about it with me, telling me about what to do, and what it feels like. I tried to roll over and go to sleep because in the back of my mind I knew something was very bad. I had started to develop breast and both of them just started touching me. I tried to move away from it, but I was between both of them, they continued to fondel me, and it felt like I had no control four hands were on me at one time and as much as I forced them off it wouldn't stop. I threatened to go tell my grandparents, but they told me "They will never believe you, they love us more." that fraze still at times lingers in my head. "We want to teach you how to do it." I still get chills when I hear that. So for the next several hours they took turns raping me. They put a pillow over my head to muffel my cries, and that is all I did was cry why they took turns having their way with me. I will never forget what it felt like, and the pain I experienced. I did not know what to do, but be still and let them have their way, why praying to God to let it stop. After they were finished they rolled me over to the end of the bed and went to sleep. I curled into a tight ball and silentally cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I was first one in the shower, and I felt so dirty, so low, I didn't even see myself as human. When I got out my grandparents were fixing breakfast and my cousins were all smiles as if nothing had happened. I felt low, and I silentally ate my breakfast. The next week why I was over at my aunts house, I told her step daughter what had happened to me, and all I remember doing was crying as she hugged me and told me everything would be okay. She then went and told my aunt who immediately called my parents and grandparents. I was then taken back to my grandparents house.
When I arrived, eyes all red and puffy my grandparents faces told me everything. My grandfather slapped me across the face and called me a liar, "How dare you spread nasty rumors like that." he said again hitting me, telling me that the two cousins involved would of never even of done that. That I was a bad person and a liar, making my self worth shiveral. The two aunts of my cousins called my mother and father and it started a family war. I was labeled The Family Liar. My parents didn't want to believe that it happened to me, and ignored it, not wanting to cause a family fued. I think that killed me a little inside as well. I never went back to my grandparents again for the summers I remeber as a child, now they are only tainted with dull colors in my memories. I am now 20 and with years of therapy I am a survivor. I do not have contact with my family, and still to this very day I am considered a Liar. I know now that it is okay if they think that, because I know they are to afraid to except the truth, but that is alright with me, because I know what happened and so do my cousins, even though they both said it never did.
For years I felt guilt for what they did to me, as if I prevoked it, but I know now, I was a victim, and I did not deserve the attack, and that's what it was an attack.
In the begining I had issues with sexuality, but am through that now, and know what a loving touch is. I had to own up to the fact that it could not control me as a person, and when I speak out, it gices me another drop of strength.
To all surviors I tip my hat to you, because it takes so very much of a person to move on and learn from it. To anyone who has not told their story, do try, because it well get better and those feelings you fear will never go away, do ease with time. To the ones of you without a voice, I send you my prayers and my love.
I'm 15 and this happened when I was 14. I have only told two people. I almost wrote this a coouple of times and i hope I can keep my courage to keep going. My friends Lily, Brooke and I were all 14 and we had met some older guys (the oldest being 19) they invited us to go "have a couple of drinks with them", we thought it was so cool that someone that much older was paying attention to us so of course we agreed to go. When we got to the park were we planned to meet, we saw them. They had all the alchohol. My dad is an alcholoic so I don't drink and my friends and I agreed I would stay sober incase anything happened, we tried to be smart. We got there around 11:30 and by 12:30 the guys were already completely wasted, my friend Brooke was also pretty far gone. Lily went off with one of the guys so it was just Brooke and me. After a little Brooke was passed out on the grass. The guys started telling me how pretty I was and how much they wanted to see me naked!
I got a feeling things weren't right anymore so I went to go get Lily and then I was going to call my sisters b/f to pick us up because I didn't think he would tell and we needed a ride. I made Lily wait with brooke and I went to go to the phone on the other side of the park. As I was walking over there one of the guys, Tyler* jumped out at me and pused me to the ground. I tried to scream but he told me if I made a noise he would kill me and my friends. I started to cry and begged him to stop. He just kept daying that he knew I wnated by the way I was walking and how short my skirt was. I started crying and he picked up my head and smashed on to th concrete. I blacked out, I odn't know for how long but I woke up and Tyler* wa inside of me. Afterwards he turened to me adnsaid "Did u like? You might want to get cleaned up that stuff stanins"
That night my whole life changed, i am afraid to be alone and I still have to sleep with a nightlight. I don't know if I would have the courage to go to a thearpist, but i do know that if this happened to me now I would tell, but I guess now its to late.