I can't believe that I'm actually getting to the point that I feel ok with writing out my story. As many of you may know, doing things of this nature can really start some involuntary mental stress. Before I begin I want to say to all of the people who have shared here before me and that will come after me, may the God of peace rest upon you and may he grant you strength, courage and all the desires of your heart. God bless you, SURVIVOR!
As a child of 3 yrs. old, the youngest of 5 children, divorced parents, I was left with my siblings on a daily basis while my mother worked her fingers to the bone trying to keep us alive. In short, these weren't easy times for any of us.
My oldest brother, 10 yrs. older than me, was always in charge. He sexually molested for several years. I am not yet able to differenciate between the first and last experiences, although I know that it ended when I was in 3rd grade. He would put me to bed at night and as I pretended to be asleep he would lick my clitorous until I had an orgasim. One time I remember him putting a cuticle stick in my clitorous and how bad that hurt. In the recent past I have experienced what psych's call 'fantom pain'.
It was a relief to have that abusive situation come to an end, but horror to have it replaced with another. While still a 3rd grader, my other brother's best friend, Eddie (8yrs. older than me), started a sexual relationship with me. I say relationship because I somehow thought that I knew what I was doing. Of course I didn't. I was a child!!! We all played hide and seek. Eddie always suggested that we play in sets of two, me being his partner of course. As a 3rd grader, he taught me how to french kiss. I remember being scared but already I was associating this with the idea that he loved me. It progressed to an extrememly uncomfortable level very quickly. We were in the dark, laying on the floor, I was again pretending to be asleep while he rubbed his penis across my lips. I was horrified but never new how to stop anything. It was as if my voice had been taken away. This episode ended one night when he took me to the basement of my house and layed me down on the c! old, dank cement floor. He took my underwear off and proceeded to try and have sex with me. I had my legs together and he moved his penis in and out between my legs while I pretended again to be asleep. I don't think he ever penetrated my vagina, but I'm not sure. This lasted a few minutes and he started to call my name and I wasn't responding. He eventually went upstairs and after he was gone I ran to my bedroom and went to sleep. He never came back to our house again.
I never told anyone about these incidents. Instead, I turned a lot of hate and anger inward. As a young teenager I was overtly sexual. I had sex with countless guys,never really wanting to but not knowing how to say no or how to stop things before they got so esculated. I never fit in to any 'group' of friends but always tried very hard. I was very thin -- 98lbs. I remember that I always wondered why I never felt any hunger pains. (I was completely numb.)
As a senior in high school I dated the 'all star' jock of a previously graduated class. I felt so important when he wanted to date me. The first time we went out we drank beer and smoked pot and I offered to let him stay at my sister's house with me so that he wouldn't have to drive. We were going to sleep on the couch. We started making out and before things got too out of had I repeatedly said that I didn't want to have sex with him. (we had only been dating for 2 weeks) When I heard his zipper come down I repeated myself, but he didn't care. He proceeded to have sex with me and a few minutes into the whole deal he stopped and said "This isn't how I wanted out first time to be." He rolled over and went to sleep. The next day I took lunch to him at his job site. He apologized for the night before and had tears in his eyes. I forgave him and we dated for 4 months. He dumped me without any explaination on Christmas Day. I can't help but think that he only dated me be! cause he didn't want to get in trouble for what he had done to me.
I have finally told my mother my secrets. Granted, I didn't tell all the details. She was in disbeliefe that my brother had done such a thing. Her comment about all of this was, "Is there anyone else? Is that it, you were only abused by other kids adults?" She lives 1200 miles away and I didn't talk to her for quite some time after that. She never wants to address it and seems to like to pretend like it never happened and I never told. I have to admit that I do fantasize a lot about my death, although I don't think I could ever take my life. I currently take antidepressants and see my therapist once a week. These things are very disheartening and sometimes I am convinced that I will never have a family of my own. Afterall, who wants to marry a woman who has had so many sexual partners and has been sexual abused. -- I fight these kinds of thoughts everyday. As a 25 year old woman on the road to recovery, I dream of one day having a healthy relationship and getting m! arried, having children of my own. But how do you know that the man you marry isn't just like HIM!!
Thanks for listening.
Everything that happened to everyone else has seemed a lot worse that what happened it me.
The first time i was abused was when my mum took me to our friends house and we stayed there over the weekend. Everything was just how it normally was and i lay in bed next to the 50 year old man whom i had trusted for so many years. We were watching the morning cartoons and the next thing i knew he had is hand on me and was forcing a finger into to me. I was only 9 at the time but i knew what he was doing was wrong so i made up the excuse that i wanted to go and have breakfeast and then left the room. I remember i went straight into the living room and started playing with my dolls while i cryed sofety, so that my mum and the mans wife wouldn't hear me. After that i refused to go back and see the couple and i have never been there since.
The next time i was assaulted was at a party, i got there and felt uncomfortable but i started loosening up as i kept on drinking more and more alcohol, and pretty soon i was drunk. There was this really cute guy there who i liked and i went outside with him were where just playing on the grass and that and then we went back inside cause one of his friends had just come over with more alcohol. After drinking some of that he started kissing my friend and they were laying on the bed together with the sheet over them, this upset me so i tried to ignore them and just kept on drinking,
i have no idea what they did but he walked over to where i was sitting a little while after that, and he looked at me and smiled. I was glad he had come back over to me, he sat there for a while and then grabbed my hand as he stepped up to his feet. I got up with him but as i saw he was making his way to the door i purposly feel on the floor cause i didn't want to go outside with him. I sat on the floor for a little while and he sat on the chair, i thought he must of felt really angry with me and i felt bad. About 10 minutes past and i really needed to go to the toliet, i was afraid to go outside but guessed that everything would be ok. So i walked to the only toliet they had, which was an outside one, without a lock and went into it.
i finished my business in the toliet and was about to get up and leave the toliet when i saw the door starting to open, it was simon and he pushed his way into the bathroom before i could leave. He started kissing me and i thought that was ok, it was probably my fault what happened next because i lead him on. He held me up against the wall and started fingering me, i remember thinking this isn't that bad and i'll just let him do this then we can go back inside. The problem was though that i was starting to get sore as started putting more fingers in me and pushing them more viciously up there. I started telling him to stop and he said well if u just let me do it for real it wouldn't hurt, but i kept telling him no i didn't want to do it for real, i didn't want him to keep finfering me and i really didn't want to have sex with him. After about 30 minutes he let me out of the toliet and i started to make my way back inside, i had pulled up my pants but not buttoned them up completely, then he grabbed my hand pulled me back and i fell down onto the cement. i must of passed out or something then because the next thing i remember was he was fingering me again, and sittin on top of me, i didn't really know what was going on as i still had a lot of alcohol in me but i do remember telling him over and over again that i didn't want to have sex with him. Then he rolled me on top of him, while he kept a finger in me, i really should of got up them but for some reason i didn't feel like i could. Then he grabbed my head with one of his hands and pushed my face down to his mouth, and as he did that my butt went straight up into the air (cause i was in a kneeling position), as he did that he took his finger out of me and i remember him kissing me and me thinking finally it's all over but just then he let my head go and as as i sat down on him to get up i relised that i had landed right on his open dick, then came to the conclusion that he must of been pulling down his boxers with his second hand. I was kind of shocked for a while and sat there but i then got up and he did to, i kept saying he shouldn't of done that and he just repeated the word sorry.
Then he went inside and i sat down on the grass and started crying, i was huddled in a ball and couldn't move. I was too ashamed to go inside so i just sat there, after a while i saw Simon come back out, he was leaving. I tried to talk to him but he just stood there and then left. I decided i should really go back inside, when i got back inside i found that everyone was asleep and spread out all over the floor, and the only place to sleep was next to this guy, i lay in a ball to sore, tired and cold to move. Then the guy who was lying next to me started rubbing my back and touching my breasts under my shirt, i whispered to him to stop a few times and he didn't so i just lay there the whole night hoping he would stop touching me, i still couldn't believe what had just happened and what was happenning now. i didn't want to wake anyone up by making lot of noise and i still felt intoxicated and not bothered to move, i stayed awake all night that night and kept wiggiling to get the guys hand away from me, thankfully all he kept touching was my back and breasts.
That was the worst night of my life and i don't think i will ever forget it, the rest of that year i spent not going to parties and keeping to myself a lot, i often cried myself to sleep and couldn't talk about what had happened to anyone. My grades kept dropping and i kept complating suicide and i think i would of gone through with it if i wasn't afraid of dying. Eventally though i got through it but to this day i still feel very uneasy about being around guys, going to parties and this is the first time i have really said anything to anyone about these incidences.
I am now 38 years old but shortly before my 16th birthday a teen counselor in the local church had been giving me rides to some of the church functions since we did not have a car at the time .
The counselor was a very large muscular man about 35 years old named Ken. He was single or divorced i don't remember which now but he was a very authoritive figuere the kind of person that when he told someone to do something you knew that he meant for you to do it. At the time I was a very shy 15 year old boy that was taught to listen to adult men.
About two weeks before the night of the incident Ken had asked me about my sex life and what my preference was, either for men or women I said women but as the conversation progressed I did say that I was curious why some guys liked other guys and not women. Ken then said that it was because guys knew another guys body better than a women and that anytime I wanted to give it a try all I had to do was let him know and he would "take care of me "
Well one night he was giving me a ride home when he said he had to drop off some medicine at a friends house who was sick.
It was about 9:00 pm in late july when this all took place, I suspected nothing at all as we drove for about 30 minutes to a very secluded grove of orange trees.
Ken drove up a dirt road and shut the car off again this was someone I trusted and all though I knew something was out of place I had no idea that I was about to be forcibly raped.
Ken turned in his seat and said "tonight your going to find out what it is like to have sex with a man" "Now get out of the car and take off all of your clothes"
I was numb with fear ,I had no idea where i was or how i could get help, he was much larger than me and for some reason I could not understand at the time he was angry.
I removed my clothes and he locked them along with his in the trunk off his car.
He already had an erection when he crudly told me to get on my knees and and put his penis in my mouth.
I hesistated for a moment not believing what was about to happento me, when he slaped me in the face grabed me by my hair and forced me to my knees. He then forced his penis in my mouth and told me to give him a blow job. of course I had no idea how to do what he wanted me to and for the next few moments he forced the full length of his penis deep in my mouth chocking me every time to the point I thought I was going to pass out.
I think the saw this also because he relented and started going easier on me and at that point I was able to talk with him and asked why he was being so hard on me when I was cooperating and that I had never done anything like this before and did notknow what to do.
He then explained how he wanted me to perform oral sex on him, and that if I did not do it good enough he would do it his way. He forced me to perform oral sex on him for the next several moments, it seemed like forever, when he climaxed in my mouth forcing me to swallow his semen.
I thought that everything was over at this point because he opened the trunk, but instead of allowing me to get dressed he brought out a role of duct tape and and long piece of rope.
When I saw this I went from being scared to terrified! What was he going to do to me that was so bad he would have to restrain me ?
I told him he did not have to do this but he just said " shut up you don't know what your talking about "
He open the back door to the car, and told me to face him he tied my hands in front of me and duct taped my mouth he made me lay face down across the back seat and tied my hands to the opposite door.
A moment latter I felt him lay on top of me and forcibly sodomise me. The pain was indescribable I screamed and cried for several moments until I just became numb.
After a while he stopped but left me tied up while he did what ever it was he did outside of the car.
He then removed me from the car untied me and told me to perform oral sex on him again which I did. After he ejaculated again in my mouth he gave me my clothes back and told me to get dressed.
He then drove me home and actedclike nothing had happened I never told anyone because I just believed that no one would believe me or that they would think I was gay.
I have been very detailed in my description of the rape only to try and impress on those who have not had this happen to them just how humiliating it really is.
For years I blamed my self for causing this by my curious comments about gay sex to him that he must have toke it as a signal, but now I realize this was all his fault !!!!!