I am 16 years old now. I dont remember anything really specific which is why i question the fact of whether it happened or not. For as long as I can remember my brother has been werid with me and my sister. My father is a painter and he would bring us to work with him. We would sit in his car and my brother would teach us about sex. He would just say stuff about it. This was when i was 4 or 5.
Around the time i was 6 or 7 my cousin who i trusted more than anyone in the world molested me. He told me just to be quiet and not say anything as he fondled me. I didn't. I don't know why but i didnt.
Then around when i was 10 my brother started raping me. I dont remember the first time it happened which really upsets me because it is supposed to be something special and i cant even remember it. It happened a lot. For three years. I never fought back at first but i would always say "no" and stuff but he would start touching me in places that he wasnt supposed to touch and when i said no he would do it so it hurt really bad and then he would get on top of me. When he was done he would leave and start yelling at me and saying that i was a slut and stuff like that. I didnt know what to do.
Both of my parents work a lot but it was going on when they were home too. I swear that my mom has seen it. She has seen him on top of me kissing my trying to get my clothes off but she doesnt care because she thinks he is perfect. During this time i was doing really bad in school and because of that my mother would beat me. This didnt help. I have wanted to kill myself many times and for a long time i was very withdrawn from everything around me. Now I am on drugs they are a release and when i do them i dont think about the pain anymore. I cant sleep and i cant keep a relationship with anyone i always cheat on them. I dont want to hurt them.
I found the perfect guy who is trying to help me with my problems but i still cheated on him. He understands though. I want to get help but i dont know how to do that with out my parents finding out and without the money I need to get con! suling. I have slept with about 9 or 10 people and i dont like that either it makes me feel like a slut and dirty. Please help me or get me in touch with people that can help me. I am tired of the nightmares and i want to be normal.
Hi, my name is Christina, and I read your story and was really touched by it. I myself have some mixed feelings about a situation that happened to me, but to tell you the truth, I'm not exactly sure you can call it rape, which is why I haven't really told anyone or spoke to a counselor. I know you're not a counselor or anything, but since u run a website about rape, I was hoping you would give me your opinion about my situation, if you can really call it rape or not....please. here's my story:
I was 17 at the time and a virgin, and me and one of my coworkers decided to have a drinking contest, (i know it was stupid, but at that time I had a drinking problem so to say). He had just come from work at about 12 30 am and met me on the corner of my block cuz i didnt' work that day. I had a huge bottle of alcohol, so we decided to go to this school a few blocks up from me, where I thought we could be alone without anyone watching us drink cuz we were both underage (he was 20 and I was 17).
We started drinking and kept drinking for hours, and then I started to perform oral sex on him. he started to touch me too, and told me that he wanted me to go back to his house with him, but i told him no, and that i didn't want to have sex with him at all. He asked me why, and i told him that i would feel like a slut if i did, and that everyone at work would find out cuz news travels fast. He kept persuading me to go to his house and kept touching me but i kept telling him no. then, after a while, he got up to piss in the corner of the school yard, and I was leaning my head on a bench post because i was so drunk. Everything was spinning. The next thing i know, i'm on the ground and he's on top of me trying to have sex with me and take my shorts off.
The first thing I remember saying was What are you doing, and then i said no like 3 times and tried to push him off but i couldn't, and then my shorts were off and he was inside of me. Then he put his hands inside me. And then he raped me. I think i tried to push him off one more time, but he was too strong and i was too drunk. when he was done he helped me put my shorts back on and i got up as fast as i could and started to walk home, but he kept grabing me not trying to let me go, so i had to keep fighting him to get off of me so i could go home. I don't know why he kept grabbing me while i was walking home, and the reason why i don't really think it was rape was because i don't think he heard me say no when he was on top of me, eventhough I pushed him off of me and eventhough i told him i didn't want to sleep with him from the beginning while i was performing oral sex on him. also, when we went back to work, we acted nice to eachother. Im not sure if im in denial. I ! don't think he thinks it was rape either, but i don't know. Now everytime i get close to a person, I don't think i would be able to have sex with anyone else cuz i would just think of him on top of me. But i really don't think i need to go to a counselor most of the time, but sometimes i think i do. It's been a year since it happened, and i have not been in a relationship since. I get close to having a relationship, but then I can't deal with people touching me. But then again, I'm not a very affectionate person. I would really value your opinion. Thank you for reading.
***MY MOTHERS BOYFRIEND****
Him and my mother are getting married in December. He has been the best thing that ever happened to her. He has a good job, pays the bills and buys us stuff. He spoils us and is really sweet to her. He works during the day so my mom don't know what happens during they night. My mom works the night shift. So now she has someone to watch over me and my two little brothers. He even moved us out of our small apartment and into his house. We each have our own room and everything. And I cant tell on him. It will be like I am being selfish. It'll just ruin everything.
He comes into my room almost every night and he fucks me. (sorry if the language is vulgar) he does anything and everything to me as soon as my mom leaves for work. But before then he doesn't even look at me in that way. I used to fight him off all of the time. Sometimes him giving up and going away. But now I don't care any more. I have tried killing myself 3 times. And I am still here. I tried everything too. From slitting my wrists to taking pills to not eating. I even tried driving my mothers car into a tree but I only suffered minor injuries. And I got in trouble when I got home. I figure it ain't my time so I ain't gonna go. So I just let him do whatever and he leaves when he is done.
It happens anywhere and anytime after my mom leaves. He even tries it in front of my brother I don't know if my mom knows. If she does, I don't think she does. But I tried staying away from home. Running away. Keeping myself nasty looking so he could stop and it don't work. I told a counselor. And she gave me a booklet and sum stuff and then she called sum people. Who came to my house and asked questions. I even showed them all my bruises. Then he sat there and lied and was perfect. Him and my mom told them bout my history of cutting and blah and trying to kill myself and whatever. They even added drugs and alcohol and then they left and no one believed.
Mmm.. I guess that's how it is. And it wont end until I leave for college in 2 more years. Well you cant really email me. But you can out of my cousins name. Liyah814@aol.com. Just put my name in the subject. Yeah she knows. She just too stupid to tell. I guess I want her too. But o'well