One morning I inhaled the truth...The truth was that I was sexaully abused and I would awaken to it several times. A novel figured some weird flashbacks that seemed to throw me into a place of constant remembering I call "flashback city." I was in denial. It just could not have happened. Could I really have been raped at gunpoint by a stranger and not remember? Did my uncle really molest me for a decade before he raped me? Huummm???
I'm sorry. I thought I could tell the story, but I am not there. I am just feeling the raw pain of the truth: it happened. I am slowly wrapping my mind around that glass and slowly sipping the clear reality that it was real---much too real.
Arright. So I've written in here before. But I didn't write my story, i's juss askin for sum help. And I got offered sum. And its helping slowly. Arright...
1. Most my life I've been havin nightmares bout being molested and all that stuff when I was younger. And a friend told me maybe its cuz it happened when I was younger but I blocked it out cuz it was too painful. But I do remember one incident. Well maybe a couple. I was bout 3 or 4. And I have no clue when it started. But it was during Sunday school. Can u believe that church. I was molested in church. But I was hiding under a chair from him. He was the Sunday school teachers son. And he helped me with my work. He would take me into a room and lock the door. I remember him playing with himself in front of me. He made me touch myself. He would put my hands on his penis. My one hand was to little to hold it properly and satisfy him enough. And he taught me that certain way to stroke him. Ugh! But he would perform oral sex on me and make me do the same. But he never put it all the way in my mouth. Juss made me lick him. And sum other stuff I'm not gonna get into. I think it ended around 5 or 6. I'm not sure.
2. I was raped by three boys. One which I thought was my friend. And the other two I didn't know. But I cant talk bout that.
3. Not even a week ago. I went to this carnival. Its really big. Downtown. And sum dude was tryin to talk to me and he got me alone in a stair well. Yep a stairwell. It was like 12:40pm. At night. He out his hands in me. He was feeling on my chest. Trying to suck on them. And putting my hand on his d***. He told me if he could he would f me right there. And so he rubber his d*** in between my legs and got off on it. I think he would have if I didn't scream and someone came out. He even asked me to give him head. Right now I am juss prayin it dont happen again. Thanx ta them two who helped me u should know who I am by reading this.
I really dont know where to begin. But I had to say something...tell someone. I'll try my best to get all the details right, but I was only 7 when this...rape happend, and it didnt end until i was 10. It never would have ended if I hadnt moved away to Florida...far away from there, which was in Illinois. I still live in Florida. I never told my parents, they still dont know about it till this day, and hopefully never will. Cuz naturally thinking it was my fault, I was scared and confused. I sometimes think it is still my fault, but I cant help that. I didn't even know what rape was until just the beginning of last year, (I'm 14 right now). As soon as I found out, I immediately told my best friend that I have been raped before, no questions about it. I could trust her with anything, she's like the sister Ive never had. And I love her with all my heart and thank her for everything she has done for me, and helping me get on with my life. But I guess I should go on with my story...
I was over at my best friend (She was at the time), Aimee,(my age) and her younger sister, Julie's (6, a year younger) house. Her step brother, Mike, who was 13 was there too. Anyway, we were all sitting on the couch, watching T.V and just chilling out to get away from the hot weather outside. Their parents were always at work, so they werent home at this time. Aimee turned to me and told me to come to her parents bedroom since she wanted to show me something. It didnt seem like a big deal, and I didnt think much of it at all. When we went into the room she closed the door behind us and started rummaging around under her parents bed. She came out with a cardboard box and pulled out a pile of Playboy Magazines out of the box and started to show me the pictures why i just stared at her with amazment. I mean, how could a 7 year old know so much about sex, and all this stuff? I certainly knew nothing! But I was interested and started looking myself. About 10 minutes later, Aimee's brother and sister walked in me and Aimee tried hiding the magazines back under the bed, but he had already spotted us looking through them. He grabbed the magazines and was like "I knew you guys were looking at these! Why dont we do a little show ourselfs?"
I didnt know what he was talking about but he had already started pulling his pants down, and when he had them all the way down, with his penis showing, Julie and Aimee were down there sucking on it and grabbing at it while he was moaning and telling then to "take is easy". This totally disgusted me. I tried to get out but he grabbed me and was like "Oh come on, just try it. I know you wanna do it" I started screaming "NO!" but he punched me so hard in the stomach that I about puked and told me to shut the hell up. He turned Aimee and Julie, who were staring at him. They were scared. He told them to get out of the room and to shut the door.I was so scared and started crying. He told me that if I started then he would punch me again. Then he told me to lie on the bed. I did as told with no questions. He pulled my pants off and started performing oral sex on me, I couldnt feel anything I was so scared and was trying hard not to cry. He asked if it felt good and I couldnt hold it anymore, tears just started coming out as I told him "No, stop" but he punched me in the stomach again and said he was going to do something that felt even better. he pulled my shirt off and started fondeling my not even developed breast and was kissing all over by body. Then he stuck it in. I screamed and cried hysterically. I was yelling "NO!" and telling him it hurt to bad and to take "it" out, but he just went on. Ocasionlly telling to shutup at times. i dont know how long he did this, or after that.
I dont even rememver how I got home, or if he said sumthin to me afterward...or even If i took a shower when I got home. I thought about it all the time. everytime I went over there, he would do the same thing, over and over again. and those times I remember. I would always come home right after that and take a shower, scrub my body, I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself. Then my parents noticed a change in me. I would always be so quiet all the time, not my usual cheery self. They decided to move to a whole other state, and decided the move would be good for me. I remember that last time. When I came over to say good bye to Aimee and Julie, (we never talked about it. They know just as well as I did what was happening all those times, but never mentioned it. I was angry, very angry that we just went on with our lifes like nothing happend. I wanted to find out what this was and why he was doing it, and to stop it) But that last time he took me in the bedroom and physically abused me, he started beating on me, placed like on my arms, and sides, or legs. places that are hardly noticible. he would punch and bite me while I cried and told him no. he told me that since i was moving that i got what i deserved. then he raped me again, i remember it was at least 5 times. then he beat me sum more and told me to get the f*ck out of his house. I ran home that day and cried in my bed and stayed there until that next day, when we moved out.
You couldnt imagine my relief. It was a wonder why my parents never caught on to this. I moved to Florida, and when i met my best friend, Samantha, and when i learned what rape was, my life changed, i became more outgoing, and it was like i started a new life. I still think about it constantly, but its ok now. its not my fault, it never was. If you want to e-mail me, just e-mail me at Angel32200@aol.com. I dont mind, and would like to hear what u have to say. But that's my story and I feel so much better, for some reason, writing is better then telling. Thank god for that.