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Survivor Stories

I am a survivor of rape and molestation. When I was around 5 or 6 yrs old i was molested by a first cousin (female) who was about 8 to 10 yrs older than I. She not only did this to me, but my other siblings. This went on for a period of time.

I remember telling and pretty much they believed her over me. Like I had an overactive imagination. Well for the yrs from when it stopped until I was around 17, I blocked it out.

She was a beautician and she was the only person i would allow to touch my hair. (you know how women or girls are with their hair) Then one day she was cutting my hair, (she is heavyset) and she was bumping into me with her body. Then i started having flashbacks to everything that ever happened, every single detail. From that moment, I stopped seeing her, talking to her, banned her from ever being around me. She still to this day tries to have something to do with my family and I. I cannot look at her. We live in the same town, and when i see her, I actually go crazy in my mind. The only way i deal with any of this is to block it out totally. There are so many things i wanted to do. Like put up posters with her and what she is, go in her business and confront her, tell everyone i know what she is and to beware of their children around her. She has a son, now and i worry so much about what she is doing to him. There are so many issues surrounding this with it being in the ! family and all.

I was also a victim of "date rape." I was with this guy, dating him for a while and he endend up taking me to a motel and saying that he had paid the room in advance and that he wasn't wasting his money and was going to get what he wanted from me, when i had told him NO. He was 6ft 3 or 4 in and about 250 in weight-real muscular. I am 5ft and at the time around 110lbs. I was totally scared and felt defeated from the start. I knew i had no chance out of it. Well you know what happened next. It is still hard for me to go into detail-sorry. To sum it up, I was so scared of him that i kept seeing him becuz of the threats that were made and it happened two more times by him. Finally I made my DAD break it off for me saying that he was to controlling and i could not face him. No that wasn't the end of him....

Then later on met and fell inlove with my now husband of 10 yrs. In the beginning, the guy stalked me, would not leave me alone, threatened my husband, and went about telling people that were close to me what he did to me and was proud of it. No i did not press charges. stupid i know! But i was young and naive and did not want to have my name dragged all over our small town(lived in all my life) and be labeled as the girl who cried rape. Because i knew that in my heart, no one would believe me like they didnt when i was 6 yrs old and told. But the guilt is with me day in day out, about the other girls that may have suffered after me because i didnt tell. That will be with me forever.......

How this has affected me? Sex is dirty to me, my body is dirty to me, i have no self esteem, deppression, eating disorder, don't know myself. My husband has went high as 9 months with out intimacy with me. It has all affected my marriage. i am afraid all of the time, of EVERYTHING! Anxiety, panic attacks. Fear of everything. My husband is an angel. He has stood by me, but i don't think really understands what impact this has on someone who has went through this. These two people have taken away my "inside person." Before i was very outgoing and "crazy-like class clown sort of thing. Now it's like i dont know who i am, from one moment to the next. For the most part i block out EVERYTHING, but everyday something will trigger it, like from a song, to a kiss, to a surprise hug, anything outof the ordinary to the very single ordinary thing. When these things happen, I put it so far in the back of my mind that it cant resurface. I have a son who is 5 yrs old and a husband to th! ink about instead of going through all of the things i have to because of two people.

Yes, i still have anger, resentment, hatred, disgust and everything else that one can have over what happened to me. I am so glad that some of you have found that peace. I am still working to get there. and believe that one day i will make it.(only by the grace of GOD) I am just now realizing that "I AM THE VICTIM!" And that it wasnt my fault. I have a long journey ahead of me i know. And think, I am only 28 yrs old. But this site and reading your stories are helping heal the pain one step at a time....

"country"
im: kissesradp05


Well I was 16 when I was raped. I have babysat for these people for three years! I thought they where my family. Well on new years eve I was at there house babysitting. Well he came home and came through the window! And he did his thing! Well he denies it to everybody! But I know what happened that night and it has messed my life up for good! I miss there kids very much1 well that is my story I am trying to get through this the best I can! Well if any one can help me please e-mail me!

Rachel
im: babyblueeyes5953


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