I was never actually abused. Well maybe I was but I am in denial. But I don't believe it was. So here goes.
When I was entering the fifth grade I moved. My school was a magnet school so I still went there even after I moved, but I caught a van. The van came to my door and honked and I would go out and be driven to school. I was always the first on one because I lived so far away. The van was gray and old and ugly. I had a old man for the driver. He was nearly over 70. There were three other kids on the bus. E.J., he was in my grade but way bigger than me. He had a crush on me. Ashley was his sister. And Reese who liked me also. E.j. would always sit next to me and tell me he liked me. He would grab or put his hands between my legs and rub me. I usually tried to move away, but sometimes Reese sat on the other side of me and held me there and did the same. E.J. would pull out his **** and make me rub against it or touch it while he touched me. I remember one time Reese was asking what the insides of a girl looked like. So E.J. Held me down while they took a look, touched, and licked me. Ashley always sat quietly not telling them to stop. I always told them to stop and tried fighting. I even screamed a couple times. But the bus driver never did anything. He even told me that I should call E.J. My boyfriend since we liked each other. I never told anyone that. I went through 5th grade on the bus with them everyday in the morning and afternoon.
When I got into middle school. I went to my neighborhood school. And I made friends wit this girl Ashley. Her and her 2 male cousins cam and got me from my house and took me to the park. I was happy because I did not know anyone. We went into a small clearing of woods. Where they decided to play truth or dare. They were all older than me and since I was the only female who wasn't related to them I got most of the sick perverted dares done to me. I was anally raped, fondled, fondled with objects, eaten out. I had to touch everyone else also. I cried through the whole thing. But they finally stopped and the one cousin held me while I cried and apologized to me. He made me promise not to tell because we would get in trouble. And I haven't told anyone until now.
I still have dreams of those things. Even though my story is not as bad as many it is still there. I was also raped, while walking home one night alone, by a couple of high boys. I am not ready to talk about that.
Well, I didn't actually get raped. I escaped before it actually happened. Some people think because I didn't get raped I don't have the right to talk about it cause they were raped and that is far more serious. I think that's really heartless and I hope that isn't how it is here. Also, when people hear my story they think i provoked him by the actions I took, but here goes.
One night, my friends and I (one female my best friend) and another male friend of mine.We were at an exclusive club in a state i grew up in and i was just visiting my friends.I don't understand why people always ask how you were dressed, i believe you still don't deserve it even if you're half naked! Nonetheless, I was wearing khaki's and a blue shirt, very simple.
Anyway the three of us were up on one of those platforms at the club dancing together, and this guy and his friends were watching us like hawks. We were just dancing and laughing.when we got down to take a breather and just talk for a while on one of the couches, they followed us over there, while my male friend was still on the dance floor dancing with a girl.there were at least five guys, three out of four were trying to get me to go home with them and wanted my best friend.i have battled with the fact that I may be young but i don't party hard or sleep around and some guys don't understand that, men have always tried to convince me otherwise and i have fought to keep up with my personal principles.
Anyhow, eventually two of the three left and gave up one stayed behind, the best friend of the guy hitting on my best friend. He seemed so nice and interested more in getting to know me and make me laugh.So, we got along well.So, it got very late...around 4:00, and we were bored and ready to go, these guys didn't have a ride so we offered to take them home.So, me, my best friend(jane)my other friend(darryl) and those two guys drove to take daryyl home.After we took darryl home, we went to take the two guys home to a city about 30 minutes away from where we were.On the way there, he kept trying to get me to kiss him and he kept wanting to touch me and I told him ahead of time, " don't plan to have sex with you and that's the bottom line, i'm not stupid and I know that's what you want." So he understood that clearly.
When we got to their place, they asked us in, just to hang out.So we were like, okay...it's almost sun up we can hang out here for a while.Jane and the other guy, kind of went off and talked and me and his friend sat on the couch to talk. My back had been hurting because I have a pulmonary disease and there was a lot of smoke in the club....he said he's rub it for me...I didn't think anything of it...i just said, "are you sure, I don't want you to go out of your way to make me feel better." but he insisted.So he rubbed my back for a while then tried to kiss me. I eventually just said "okay, it's just a little kiss, it can't hurt." so I kissed him back.Before I knew it he was groping me and being rough, so I told him to stop and he did.As the rest of the night went on, we escalated to other things, it's really not important what, it's just very personal.
So, before I knew it, it was very quiet, the silence was scary, i remember.I wondered what he was doing. I looked to see and there he was with his pants down. I just looked at him and said"I already told you no sex!" But he just got on top of me. I started screaming and and saying no, but he just held my hands down so hard that they were raw and bruised.I felt like I was in a movie when it happened, all I could keep thinking was "no, not me" He got very close to the actual rape, until I kicked him and punched him as hard as possible. He got off of me and I ran to the bathroom.My best friend had heard the screams and was trying to get in.He followed me and somehow got into the bathroom, he started crying and apologizing for what he had done, but, it was too late.I ran out of the bathroom getting my things together and very frightened.I was hysterical, in fact.Jane was yelling and scareming at him in my defense.As we were getting ready to leave he bacme enraged that I wouldn't except his apology and was scared that I would tell. I can't tell you the cruel things he said to me or anything because I think about it every night. I close my eyes see him and those words there.After a while I became so mad, that I punched him in the jaw and knocked him on the floor, I think between the fact that he tried to take something away from me and was angry at me! He then got so mad, that he took some alcohol and poured it on me and jane and into my eyes.We ran away then and he tried to throw a glass bottle at me as he held my wrists so tightly that he sprained it.We got away.
I will cherish that phrase forever. "WE GOT AWAY" I am very aware of how lucky I am to have taken boxing for 10 years and getting away before he raped me. That night, I think about every day and when I close my eyes, he tries to rape me all over again. So, it does still bother me. It's not like I'm super woman who can just forget. I am twenty and have been through so much, but this will stick out the most as one of the most challenging things to overcome. I admire anyone who can do it, and think it's a great accomplishment.
I still have a lot to work on, it only happened 4 months ago. I am sad and feel like I am trashy or something. But, in the greater scheme of things know that if, I was half naked prancing around in front of him, all over him and getting ready to do it with him and decided to back out, no is no. And one thing is for certain, any of us can overcome this, but it will forever be a part of us. And no matter who you are or what your doing, no one deserves to be raped. people who found out tried to convince me it was my fault and I shouldn't have gone with him. That is fine for them to think, I know in my heart though, that no matter what I and no other man or woman deserves to be raped in any way. I will forever remember that night and what I went through, but as I try to heal I remind my self that it was never my fault, that someone else, decided to take it upon himself and assault me.
It all started about 34 years ago and I'm only 37. I'm so scared and confused. This is a long story but ill try to make it as short as possible. I have been abused in every way you can imagine by many men. I began drinking pretty heavy about a year ago (again) and now its out of control. I'm seeking help but want help from other girls online and to chat with them one on one. I think maybe I can even help other girls who feel the way I do. It seems to help me to talk to girls who have been there-done that. Cant go on now, that's enough for now when I feel more comfortable here I will add to my story. Please forgive me for now.