I've been surfin the web for the pass few days reading this type of stuff. I have finally decided that I need to get this off of my chest. I am going to try and go into as much detail as I can because I think this will help.
One of my friends were over my house. and I walked her halfway home. it was about eleven. but pretty nice out. it was raining, lightly. she lived pretty far so I walked awhile alone. there is a park near my house. so I stopped and sat there 4 a while. I sat there cuz there were a group of boys playing basketball in the courts. one of the boys included a boy who I was like in luv with. I adored him.
He saw me but didn't say nuthin. so I just sat there. three of them and him walked over to the bench I was sitting on and kinda started talking all this stuff. I live in a all white neighborhood and being black, they called me black beauty, hot chocolate, and all other things. they started talking nasty. askin me to give them head, and to have sex wit them. but he just stood there laughing. as I got up to leave, they followed me. they dragged me and carried me all the way down to the field, and into a small clearing. I screamed and kicked. there they stood me there calling names and not letting me leave.
One grabbed the back of my neck and forced me to my knees. he walked away not wanting to watch. I was forced to give two of them head. as the other was a watch out they then took turns raping me. I passed out during the time. because they were so much bigger than me and I was a virgin. I woke and they were still at it. I was being sucked on. and my legs were held down. they then dressed me and left me there. the look out apologized. and assured me they used protection.
I went home and stayed in the shower. I have not told anyone. and I feel so dirty. I know I should have never gone to the park. or I should have left when they started saying stuff. people always say don't play your self. but it is hard not too. I have so much hatred towards the boy I once liked so much. he always tries talking to me now. but I feel like a ho. I need help. but I can't tell anyone. I'm having dreams and flash backs. I cry all the time. Every time the subject of sex comes up. I feel so dirty and that everyone knows. I wish I could give my email out. but I can't right now. I'm glad I got some of this out. I am only 14
I don't remember when it started, I only know that up until my family moved away I was molested by three older "friends." It ended ten years ago, and I've just begun to deal with what happened. I never told my family because I was afraid they wouldn't believe me (two of my tormentors went to our church). Now I'm quiet because I don't know how to voice my thoughts because they've been silent all these years. I always knew it happened, I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't really deny it happened, I just pushed it into a corner of my mind where I didn't have to think about it. Now, that's where I put anything that scares me and I don't think about for a long time. I never understood how it has impacted every aspect of my life until I recently decided to start dealing with it. I've always been afraid to go anywhere by myself, and I start to panic if I find myself in a room with just one other person. I've tried to have relationships with guys but all I feel is fear, panic, and distrust. I'm hoping for recovery so that I can start living a life that's never lived.
P.S. the e-mail is in my sister's name but I'll get it