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Survivor Stories

I still wonder if its my fault. My friend asked me to hang out with her roommate on his birthday since she had to go to work. I said sure, I had only met him a few times but he seemed ok. My friend had been living with him for awhile and I figured if he was creepy she would know by now. I felt bad for him being alone on his birthday (he is 47 or so). I guess I should say that I'm 20.

We had some drinks then he kissed me. By that time the vodka was catching up with me (I must have had at least 8oz in about an hour). Then everything is blank, then I see myself like from the third person, I'm laying on the bed... My third person is think I should get up and leave, I don't want this I really don't want this. I wanted to get up and leave I wanted to go home where old men aren't standing naked before me.

All I can manage to say is protection (I'm not even quite sure I said that). Its all so fuzzy. He was on top of me and I wanted to throw him off but I couldn't get my arms to move. I didn't want this, but maybe I asked for it, but how could I when I don't want it. Did I lead him on why cant I say anything? I know he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

I didn't want to say anything to anyone so I told him the next day that I remembered nothing. It didn't matter, he told his roommate (my friend) and she told one of my other friends. I want to tell her that I didn't ask for it that I didn't want it but I'm afraid she wont believe me I'm not sure I believe myself. But if I didn't want it to happen before it happened or while it was happening is it rape? I didn't say no (I wanted to but I couldn't but I didn't).

I hate this. It has been almost 7 months and I cant stop thinking about it. I want to stop thinking about it. I wish it would go away. It's not just something I feel ashamed of doing. I thought I was safe. I thought he didn't see me that way so it was ok to get drunk there, he is my friends roommate. He's older than my father, how could he do this to me? I cant tell my friends I know she must think I'm a slut now but I'm not. This is the 4th guy and I didn't want it. I know I should tell her but what if she doesn't believe me? I don't know what to do. Maybe it was my fault maybe I said something I don't remember... I'm so confused.... If it wasn't rape why do I feel so bad about it?

Oh god, he sent me a stupid poem later and a letter and a necklace and he said he wanted to date me and that we'd take it slow. Ha! I don't know what to do. I threw away the letter and the poem and the necklace. I wish he didn't live in my town. I wish he would just fall off the face of the planet. I wish I could just die then I wouldn't have to think about any of this anymore. It has been so long, but it feels like yesterday. It makes me sick. I wish I could get some answers.

Name Withheld

I have come to terms with my rape. I am no longer the victim, but the survivor. I have been in counseling for about 6 months now.

The rape occurred in Aug. 1999. I went out with a couple of friends. We went to a club and had a couple of drinks. We left to go to another club. We had a couple of drinks there. My friends got into an argument and were making up in the corner. I was sitting on a bar stool waiting on them. By that time I had stopped drinking so I would be ok to drive by the time we left or if not I would go home with them.

This guy comes up to me and asked me if Angie and Chris my friends) are alright. I said yeah. He began to tell me how close he was to Angie and wanted to make sure she was ok. I said yeah you know how they are. He said not really. He asked me if Chris ever hits Angie and I said no. He would never do that. I asked his name and what he did and he told me his name and that he was an ex cop. He started talking about other stuff just small talk. He pulled some money out of his pocket and there was a tattoo also. I looked at it and said how cute. He asked if I wanted it on and I asked if it was laced with anything. He said no he didn't do drugs and some girl gave it to him. I said ok. He held it up for me to lick and I did 3 times and he put it on my arm. It started burning and I told him. I knew then it was laced with some kind of drug. He just looked at me. I told him I didn't feel so good and he just stared at me.

After a few minutes he asked if I wanted to leave. I said yes. I figured I'd go out to my car and sleep it off or wait for my friends. He followed me out. I figured I'd be ok because there are usually a lot of cops outside. There wasn't that night. I got to my car and unlocked it. The next thing I know is he is putting me in his car. Everything was kind of hazy. He drove us to his place. He made me go inside. I asked where the bathroom was. I went in trying to get my head together and figure out what to do.

When I came out he was standing there. In the living room he kissed me. The next thing I remember is being in his bed with no clothes on. The rape lasted about 2 hours. He kept making me say I wanted it and if I didn't he would bite me or something. He would do something then ask me if it hurt. He is from what I've read a contemporary and unselfish rapist. Not a real violent type. He finally passed out and I took his car to mine and went home.

When I finally told my husband what happened two weeks later I filed charges. I found out he had been convicted two other times for rape and not long got out of jail. I am outraged that someone who has a history of rape was let out on a $5000.00 bond. I'm am awaiting trial. He has tried to intimidate me by coming into places like convenience stores if he sees me there. He even tried following my husband one night to see where I lived. Of course the cops can't do anything about that unless he does something. He needs to be stopped. I will not be intimidated by him. I am going to make sure he goes back to jail or he will do it again. He needs help. Jail will not keep him from doing this again. It didn't stop him the first two time he went to jail. He needs serious therapy.

I am now getting involved in victim's services. I copy anything I can get my hands on about rape, the survivor's, etc. We all need to ban together, men and women, to try and stop this hideous crime. Thank you for letting me tell my story. If anyone wants to contact me just to talk you are more than welcome.


I felt like I died my freshman year in college. I live near Boston, Ma and I went to school in Kentucky. After I was there for a few weeks, I went to a party with some girls I met because one of their boyfriends was there. I had one beer, so I was totally sober and I started talking to this guy. He seemed so nice and he had a baby face so I felt fine talking to him.

Anyone who has been to a party knows that the bathroom lines can get pretty long. So the guy, Jared, who I was talking to, said my friend and I should use the bathroom in his room. There were about ten people in his room and my friend said she would be right back. When I was in the bathroom I noticed it was a little quiet in his room. I got out and asked him where my friend was and he said oh, she'll be right back. I sat down and noticed that the door was shut, and I figured that was ok since she was coming right back.

He put some music on and sat next to me and we talked for a little bit. He leaned over and kissed my and I felt his hand on me so I told him to stop because I had a boyfriend. He didn't care. He pushed me on my back and put a condom in my hand and I told him I couldn't do this. He got strong and I don't know how it happened because everything was happening so quick but he got my shirt and pants off. He forced me to do things to him and then he raped me. I felt like I was being ripped in two.

I left school a month later and reported it two months later which was stupid because it was so late. It went to court and I lost. The DA office who was suppose to be on my side were no help. They just let it go and I had to follow up on everything. After I testified, a week had gone by and I hadn't heard anything so I called my lawyers office and his secretary told me over the phone that I had lost. I never spoke to him again.

It happened in September of 1998 and it's been a tough ride. I know it will get easier someday. But this needs to stop!

Melissa Adams
im: madams1205

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