At the beginning of my eighth grade school year, I had a dream. A little girl being hurt by a boy. She was crying and afraid. Through out the year I kept having visions of the boy and the girl. He was touching, but not just hugging her, he was touching her in private places. It all seemed so real and familiar. The girl looked so familiar and so did the boy.
One day, I was going through a photo album and I was looking at pictures from my childhood, and I saw a picture of me when I was about eight years old and realized the girl in my visions was me, and the boy was my older brother. It was then I figured out that I was sexually molested. I had forgotten about it for years. I wondered why all of the sudden I started having the flashbacks. I figured that since we were learning about rape and sexual harassment in health, It just came to me since the subject was on my mind a lot.
Ever since I keep getting sick flashbacks of what my brother did to me. My parents would leave my younger sister and me home alone with my brother to watch us while my parents were at work. My brother was probably 13 or 14. He would tell my little sister to leave the room so it would just be me and him. He would kiss me and put his tongue in my mouth. He made me swear I would never tell anyone or else he'd do more. Even though I never told anyone he still did more.
He would take me down in the basement, and make me take off my clothes. He would lay on top of me and I remember him even fingering me a couple of times. Sometimes his best friend would too. Then he would my hand down his pants and make me feel his penis. This went on for about year. I was eight or nine and still remember what happened. Sometimes I remember things so clearly and other visions are vague.
Me and brother have never talked about it. I'm afraid of what he'll do. This has had a huge effect on me. Lately the visions have been more clear then ever and sometimes I cry for hours. I get so angry and I don't understand why he did it. The other night I had a break down and cried all night. My parents don't know and I'm not going to tell them. I don't want to hurt my brother now and I don't want them to hurt him either. There are some good days and bad days but my friend was raped and has had counseling. She said she can help me with whatever I need. It feels good to know someone is willing to help.
I've learned something from this. There are some things in life that is stuck in your memory forever no matter how much you want the memory to go away. It'll always be there in the back of your mind. I am also glad to know I am not alone.
Emily St.Pierre
im: emily4637
I was date raped at the end of my freshman year of college, which was at a state school in my hometown. It was by a guy, 3 years older than me, who I'd been going out with for 3 years - after the first year, we had broken up, but he basically weaseled his way back into my life for another 2 years. He had a violent temper and big anger- management problems; I had realized this a while after we started dating. He never hit me, but I was always afraid he would. He was very unsuccessful in college, usually dropping out halfway through the year, only to start classes again the next year. He was emotionally abusive, and had alienated my friends from high school as well as kept me from developing new friends and new interests at college, so that I spent all my time with him and was dependent on him for social "support". as a way to cope with my depression, I tried to make my life with him become separate from the other aspects of my life (my family, my close girlfriends, my job). I felt numb. During freshman year I would try to join classes and activities (I began costuming in the drama department, which meant a lot to me) that he would not become involved in, but he always ended up there too. I had long ago stopped enjoying sex with him (we had sex often, and he wanted to do things that I did not want to do, but I usually just kept quiet and let him do it), and I recognized that I was depressed, but couldn't or didn't do anything about it.
One of the ways I thought I could fix the depression and finally end this abusive relationship was to transfer to another college far away. I knew I was going away, by spring break of freshman year. My boyfriend wanted me to stay, or at least transfer somewhere closer so that he could move too, and he wanted our relationship to last also. I had tried to talk to him about how I wanted our relationship to end, and that since I knew I was leaving in the fall, I wanted it to end then, in the spring.
That was when he raped me one night. It was just like any time we had sex, I was just kind of quiet and emotionally numb, except this time I said no at first, that I didn't want to do it, and had said no again, but it happened anyway. I remember being totally unresponsive during it, just laying there. Afterwards, I was quiet, and got up to go to the bathroom down the hall from my dorm room, and sat there crying, knowing somewhere in my head what had just happened. When I went back to my room, he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking sorry. He started to apologize, but then _I_ started trying to make _him_ feel better. It was another automatic, numb reaction on my part. I kept feeling that way for a while.
For weeks, I kept going to the college womens' resource/counseling center, but I was so afraid to go in that I just walked by, every time. I don't know whether I was afraid to acknowledge that what had happened was actually rape. The guy wanted to stay together with me after that, and we ended up having a big, angry scene when he told me he couldn't figure out what was wrong, and why I couldn't "communicate" with him. I don't even know if he realized he was a rapist.
I haven't talked to him since then, but his friends have told me that he still talks about me, like nothing bad happened. I never reported it to the police, and never got any counseling. I've been too ashamed to tell the people who matter the most to me - my two best girlfriends and my parents. In the last year or so, I've wanted to tell them and have come close to doing so, but haven't.
Afterwards I became a little promiscuous, but always felt scared and vulnerable during sex with other guys. And for a while I was in denial that I even had been raped. Sometimes I feel like, oh, it was 3 years ago already, I should be over it by now, why go and get counseling for something that happened 3 years ago. But I know that I should help myself heal, in addition to talking to others about rape.
Thanks for reading my story. It helps me try and feel ready to talk about it to others and to myself. It's so important to talk about rape, not to remain silent and scared.
My story starts 7 1/2 years ago. It was august 31, 1992 and I was just starting my senior year of high school.
I had been dating bill off and on for several months. He was every girl's fantasy or so I was told. Bill was good looking, talented in sports, a year older than me and always had a lot of female admirers... So I thought I was lucky when he asked me out.
Over the months that we dated, Bill became very possessive of my every move. He tried to tell me what to wear to school, who to hang out with and where I could be when he wasn't around. So when he decided to go away to college out of state, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The last weeks of august 1992 were filled with anxiety because I knew that he was leaving and that I was going to break things off with him.
On august 31, 1992, bill had asked me to go out to dinner with him... His time was winding down and he would be leaving. I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach as the date approached, but I thought that it was because I knew I was going to break up with him and I wasn't entirely sure how he was going to take it. So we went to red lobster... I had chicken and he had crab... Which left a smell on his breath that to this day I can still smell if I think about it.
After dinner, which turned out to be nice, he asked me to go back to his parent's house to help him decide what to bring to college. When we got there his parent's were not home. We talked for awhile about his leaving, the excitement and anxiety that comes with such a big life change like going away to college. I was happy for him and for myself because I needed the room to breathe. So as we were discussing these things, I mentioned that I thought it would be better if we were just friends. I tried to rationalize it by saying that why would a college guy want to be tied to a high school girl back home... And that I didn't want to be a reason that he missed out on experiences. He started to flip out.
Was I breaking up with him, he asked, "did I think he was going to let me go?" He grabbed me by the arm and threw me on the couch. He started kissing me... His breath still so strong from our dinner... And his "eternity" cologne... (can't date a guy who wears that cologne anymore)just made my head spin. I didn't know what was going on. He had my arms above my head and he was undoing my pants... And the next thing I remember is an immense amount of pain ... Like I was ripping open. I couldn't breathe or speak, so I started to cry. I remember feeling the tears roll down my face... They burned they were so hot. I can remember hearing two things in the course of being raped... He was breathing in my ear and he said "I've dreamed of fucking you. Gina, you will always be mine."
The next thing I know, he is removing a bright orange condom and he throws it on me. I laid there crying. I felt like my insides were ripped out and shoved back in. I had never had sex before that time, so the intrusion was entirely new to my body and my mind. Blood was on my legs. I felt the warmth of it on my inner thighs. "get dressed," he said. "I'm going to bring you home now." And so I did... Slowly because I hurt. I don't remember the drive home or what if anything was said. But as soon as I got out of the car and in the house, I showered. I tried everything I could to clean myself of his smell. It just wouldn't go away. I threw out my blood stained underwear along with the clothes I had worn. And I went to bed... And cried myself to sleep.
That was more than 7 years ago. Its amazing that with all the time that has passed I can still imagine it so clearly in my head. The scenes, the smells, the words. I was in counseling for 4 years. I was able to deal with a great part of what happened to me and it helped to realize that I was not alone, that I was not to blame and that I could survive. I played the victim for years... Always living in a world of self-pity. And then one day I realized that I wasn't a victim... I am a survivor. A survivor of something that destroys people... It destroys people physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I still have bad days. There are days I have flashbacks or my paranoia sets in or days I am depressed and just feel like crying... Something may trigger a feeling or thought and I just have a breakdown. But for the most part, I am healing nicely. Most days are good. Most days I am smiling. Most days I am happy. And I can live with that... Because as each day passes into the week and each week passes into the month and each month passes into the year... I get stronger.
The most common question I am asked about my rape was whether I regretted going out with bill that night or not following my gut feeling about the night... After years of therapy and many wonderful people in my life, I realize I don't have any regrets about what happened. If I could change what happened to me, would I be who I am today? I don't know... But I doubt I would be this strong!
I am always willing to talk to people who are experiencing many of things I have and continue to face on a daily basis. And that offer still stands.
Gina
im = Baby31313
