Ok. Where to begin? Let's start at the beginning. I was four years old & my mother went away to Virginia. My Uncle Gary was babysitting me. I remember sitting on the couch & playing with his genitals I also remember him touching mine over & over again until I was sore. This went on for a year or so, at the time I thought it was a special secret we shared & didn't tell anyone. I am now 31 years old & think I have effects from this trauma. That was the first time.
Then when I was 12 years old my mothers boyfriend would sit beside me in my bed naked & play with himself. I would get up make a lot of noise in the kitchen to try to wake my mother & he would go back to bed. I climbed in the ceiling of my room one night & slept up there. My mother thought I was out all night with my friends. I began running away from home. My mother thought I was just another rotten teen & so did everyone else what they didn't know was I was afraid to go home. My education was ruined my reputation was ruined I began going home to steal money to eat & play video games because it was an escape. I am not proud of the stealing but must admit it. I was living in the streets & began feeling suicidal.
At 15 years of age I signed myself into a drug rehab. It was a warm safe place to sleep & I had therapy. I learned I was not alone. I left the home earlier then I should have & moved in with the man who molested me when I was four. I slept with his older child who was not really his child & I knew he was doing this to her too. I never saw it & was never told about it I just knew. I've recently learned that it was done to her also & I told her it was done to me too. I don't know if her or I want to do anything about this. I do know I have tried to save face for my mother.
At 16 years of age I found a 20 year old boyfriend at 17 I was pregnant with his child & miscarried. I moved in with him & his mother & at 18 was a Beauty School graduate with a good job in the city & married. I thought all was good. I abused alcohol & marijuana with my X. Couldn't do cocaine due to a seizure disorder (a blessing in disguise). My X was big on cocaine. I tried to be a good housewife & mother but he continuously threw my childhood experiences in my face & we grew apart.
At 25 I ran away from him like I had done so many times in the past. He took my 2 children with him & won custody of them in court. I have been in a relationship for 5 years now & I am so afraid that he will do to my daughter what was done to me. I don't trust anyone. My sexual behaviors are not right in my opinion so I am still suffering I believe. I am not a survivor yet. Don't know what this story all means just know I wanted to share it.
I can't believe I am actually writing my story, but reading the other stories has given me some strength (thank you). I was raped almost seven years ago(summer, 1993) by a guy I was dating. It took me a long time to tell anyone about what happened because I had been sleeping with him prior to the attack. We started dating in April, and he really earned my trust. He didn't have the best reputation, by he tried earnestly to show me what a "good guy" he was. We spent a great deal of time together, and everything seemed like it was going well. I think I was a bit naive, I was almost 19 years old, because I accepted everything he told me without question. When I look back now I see a premeditation behind the incident, and a very manipulative, evil man.
After he had won my trust, and I had become intimate with him, he started to change. He would constantly insult and berate me. During the weeks that followed(the beginning of July)I began to lose more and more of my self esteem. I didn't understand what was happening to me, suddenly I was becoming a very weak person. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him. He also began to act strangely when we were together, telling me my body belonged to him, and he could do whatever he wanted to me whenever he wanted. I couldn't believe I was being treated in such a manner, so I stayed with him out of confusion, and the determination to find the "sweet guy" I had begun dating a few months earlier.
One night, at the end of July(I had very little self esteem at this point)I went to his house. I was sitting on a chair, across the room from him, and all of the sudden he got up, threw me to the floor and said "have you ever fantasized about being raped?" I was afraid, and I answered "no". I can't remember what he said after that. All I remember was that he pinned me to the floor, and by putting his knees on my shoulders he began to take off my shorts. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that he would really do this to me. I was trying to fight him off, but it didn't work. Afterward (in retrospect I know this was an attempt to gain back some control) I told him that I had fantasized about being raped. I couldn't let myself walk out of there with the fact that my boyfriend had just raped me.
I broke up with him about a week later. Again, I think I waited so I could make sure that rape wasn't what happened. Regardless of how hard I tried it happened, and eventually I couldn't escape that.
The strangest thing, after all these years, is that the aftermath was much more traumatic than the actual experience. I became someone else. For the first year afterward I started smoking pot four or five times a day. I couldn't sleep without it, and I couldn't stand myself without it. In the fall of 1994 I began to pick up the pieces, and started to come to terms with what had happened to me. I told a friend, and I was amazed that she was so supportive.
Although I was eventually able to talk to some people about what had happened, I still live with the fear and shame. It is hard to explain my story, because I was raped by my boyfriend, someone with whom I had past sexual encounters. I've always felt guilty because so many women are raped by someone who is a stranger or an acquaintance. Somehow, I feel very alone in my situation. I feel like I have a lot more to say, but I know this is very long already. I guess walking around with this for so many years has made it into a very long story.
The first terrible incident of abuse was when I was 15. My father had recently died. My friends father/ summer neighbor began to be inappropriate with me. He would touch me inappropriately and kiss me. I was so afraid. He would follow me home in his car and wait in the parking lot by the school for me to walk by. He would even follow me to my home knowing that nobody was there. He was a summertime neighbor.
He would tell me of dreams he had about me staying all night with him. My senior year in high school he took me out to dinner for a send off to college. He was once again inappropriate. I told him that we were supposed to be just friends. There weren't any further incidents after this. My mother sold our cottage and I went to school. He was a family friend who everyone thought was wonderful. I was very good friends with his daughter which made things very difficult. I was so innocent and lost my trust. I know this has affected my relationships.
This past October 3, 1999 we had a neighborhood block party. I am 34 years old. I have a neighbor whose wife died of breast cancer January of 1999. I would help out with his two young boys. I enjoyed their company. I am single and live in my home by myself.
On July 30 1999, Marc came over my house to have some wine with my sister and her husband and myself. We all had our share to drink. My sister, her husband and children were staying at my house for a few days. He became friendly with me after my sister went upstairs to bed. I was resisting him at first not letting him kiss my mouth because I was uncomfortable with what was going on seeing that we are neighbors and he lost his wife not too long ago. He had me walk him home to check on his boys that were already in bed. He had been listening through a baby monitor for them. We were upstairs and were smiling at the boys because they looked so cute sleeping. He began touching my breasts and kissing me. He took me into the spare bedroom and we were lying on the bed. He tried to unbutton my shorts but I just buttoned them right up again and he laughed. Our shirts were removed and we enjoyed each others company. He walked me downstairs later and kissed goodbye. Two days later he and the boys stopped by for a visit. He said he wanted to talk about Friday night. I became uncomfortable, but we did end up talking. He apologized for his behavior. He was asking if I thought we should start a relationship. I did not know how to answer this. He said he wasn't any good for anyone right now. He said maybe down the road. He said we are neighbors and what if it didn't work. I was okay with this in a way.
Two weeks later he invited me over to have dinner with him and the boys. I went over for dinner. He was putting the boys to bed so I said I would go home. He said to stay and watch TV. I sat on the couch. He came down after and we watched TV for a while. I asked him if he was tired if he wanted to go to sleep. He answered am I? He stood in front of me and started kissing me and touching me. I asked him if he was inebriated because that is what he said the last time. He said no not this time. We kissed some more and he wanted to go upstairs. We did go up and lied on the bed. When things became heated up I was resisting so he said to me we don't have to have sex. I felt better about that. That night ended and I was uneasy about what was going on. I didn't allow myself to be alone with him. We would spend time with the boys together and see each other outside.
On October 3, 1999 we had our neighborhood block party. I went back to his house and watched one of his children while he drove someone home. He put the boys to bed and said for me to stay and watch TV. He came downstairs and asked what the show was about. I said I couldn't hear it. He laughed and reached over to me and we began kissing. He wanted to go upstairs again but I resisted this and he said come on. Foolishly I went upstairs. He said he liked my jeans and off they went. He went to check on the boys after a while he came back in and took off his boxer shorts and got onto the bed. He said you can take care of this your a nurse.
He fell asleep for a little while and then he got up and left the room. I thought this would be a good time to get dressed and go home. Unfortunately I did not complete this before he was back in the room with a condom putting it on. I was in a state of shock, I just lied there and not a word was exchanged. He got into bed and pulled me on top of him. I rolled off and said no I no it is silly. (I was a virgin and planned to stay that way until I was married.) I didn't say that part but how I wish I had. He lied there next to me and tried to manually put himself inside of me. I told him he was a persistent little bugger. I was scared at the whole situation I placed myself in. The next thing I new he was on top of me saying I'm sorry I'm going to come. I'm sorry I'm going to come. He finished and said thank you. I got my close and got dressed. He called me two days later and never mentioned what had occurred. I don't know if he wanted me to bring it up. I tried to maintain the relationship I had with his children because I wouldn't want to hurt them.
I finally spoke with him in November. He said I didn't deserve to be treated that way and he was sorry. I don't even think he knows the ramifications of his actions. I feel I can't return to the person I was.