I am so afraid to talk about this to anyone. I hope that you will understand, and try not to judge me too harshly.
It has only been four days since "the incident" happened. A guy that I knew came over to my house to hang out with me, I have to admit that I was always very attracted to him. I have been with a lot of men looking for love through sex.
That night I had intercourse with him, hoping that he would want to be with me. The next day I felt like such a slut, because I realized that he would never love me. I decided that the sex was good, and that I could just deal with having sex with him without any kind of commitment. So I explained that to him, but inside, I still hoped that he would love me.
The next night he called me, and asked if I would come to his house and bring a friend for his buddy. His parents had a lot of money and were always out of town. He told me that he wanted to go hot-tubbing with us. So I called my friend, and got her to come along. She was hesitant because she had to work in the morning. I promised her that I would make sure that she got home whenever she needed to.
That night it was snowing so hard that my car got stuck in the snow pretty close to his house. My friend and I had a weird feeling about the whole thing anyway, but we decided to walk a few blocks up to his house. When we got there the guys were already really drunk. My friend, and I put on our swimsuits and got into the hottub with them. The guys were yelling really stupid things about white power. It made me uncomfortable, but I just blew it off, because I knew that they were drunk, and immature. Not five minutes after we got into the hottub, my friend insisted on going home. I did not understand why. My car was stuck in the snow, and it was storming so bad outside, you could not see your hand in front of your face. Anyway the two guys finally drove her home after arguing for about an hour. There was no room in the truck for me, so I stayed behind while they drove her home.
About an hour later they came home. One of the guys was talking about the fact that he had a seven inch steel blade knife in the side pocket of his door, and that if a cop had have pulled them over, he would have jabbed in the head and killed him. They both laughed, and kept talking about how funny it would be to kill a cop, and that anyone would kill to get out of going to jail. Again I just blew it off as male bullshit.
The three of us decided to get back into the hot-tub. The water was a little cold so they pulled down half of the cover so the water might heat up quicker. Or at least that is what I thought the reason was. We were pretty squished in there together, at that point I started to feel a little uncomfortable. The guy that I had liked (I'll call him "D") started to kiss me, and touch my genitals, right in front of his friend. I told him that he should not do that in front of his friend, his reply was that it was alright because "T" was a wild man, and would like it. At that point I became very tense and nervous. I did not want to have sex in front of "T".
Before I knew what was happening, "D" grabbed me and pulled me under the covered part of the tub. I was scared to death, I did not even know if I would be able to breathe under there. There was about two inches of air. All that I could see was the darkness of the tub cover, I could not hear, because my ears were under the water, I was struggling to breathe. He was struggling to take off my bathing suit. I did not fight. I tried to breathe. While he was having sex with me, I looked over, and could see his friend.
Finally "D" had pushed the cover off just a few inches so that he could talk to me, while he was inside me. He told me that we could not leave his buddy out. I said yes we can, and he said no we can't. We were actually arguing about this while having intercourse. We argued for about ten minutes, it seemed like forever. His friend reached over and touched my thigh. "D" told me that they were both going to go down on me, I argued with him for awhile, and realizing that maybe he was serious about killing a person, and maybe he was going to kill me, I finally said O.K. I did not want to do this though. He motioned to his friend, and they both held my legs up above the water. I felt so weird, and uncomfortable. I was very tense. I fought them off and said that this was too much, then they lifted me back up, and started to take turns licking me again.
So many things were going through my head. I could not understand why this guy wanted to share me with his friend, and why I was allowing this to happen. I guess it was pretty hard for them to do what they wanted to me, because "D" got up, and said that he was going to go get the bed ready. While he was doing that, his friend started kissing me, and just stuck his penis right in me. I felt so gross, and so used. "D" came back out and said that it was ready, and that I could walk, or they would carry me. I said I would walk.
In the room "D" told his friend to turn off the lights. Then he told me to lay down, so I did. They both laid beside me grabbing me, and rubbing my genitals violently, they both put their fingers in me harshly in and out. I was so dry. They were hurting me. "D" told his friend to get the lotion. I asked what it was for, and what it was. There was no response. D stuck two, or three of his fingers inside of my anus. I told him not to, but he ignored me. At that time his friend left the room. I told "D" to stop, and that I did not like that, but then he tried to fit his penis in there, I tightened up, and he said that it would not hurt for very long. Some how I managed to get out of that position, and I let him have sex with me. He turned me over again, and had sex with me from behind. He came, and instantly fell asleep on my back.
I pushed him off of me, and I just laid there for a minute. I felt so dirty, and used. My clothes were outside, so I wrapped a towel around myself, and walked into the living room. His friend was just sitting there on the couch. He told me that he could not deal with the threesome thing. I wanted to start crying. I told him that I could not either. I told him that it was awful. For some reason I felt like I could trust him at that point. He invited me back into the tub, and I went. I just knew that he would not try to have sex with me now, he just wouldn't.
But he did. I let him, I was so tired, and sore, it seemed like it took forever. I faked an orgasm, so that he would hurry, it didn't work though. He did finally finish and when he did, I just hugged him tightly, and cried. We went back inside, got dressed, and watched T.V. He sat next to me, and started rubbing my genitals again. I pushed his hand away just for them to return, we played that game for five minutes, or so. He told me that we did not have to if I did not want to, so I said that I did not want to. Awhile later he started again, I don't know where my mind went, but it was not there. I just wanted it all to be over with. I let him do it again. I did not fight, I did not scream. I only laid there waiting for it to end. When it was all over with it was about six in the morning. I finally fell asleep.
I awoke to "T" in front of me telling me to take this pill. I asked what it was, and he told me that it was the morning after pill. I told him that I was already on the pill, but he insisted that I take it, so I did. I felt so guilty. I knew that I was a whore, and he treated me like one. They both did. When I finally was able to get out of there, and get my car out of the snow, I balled my eyes out, and decided that I was going to kill myself. All the way home I thought of how bad I was, and that I could never face myself again.
I got home and told my therapist what had happened, and I asked to help me not to feel like a whore. He asked for more details, and explained to me that I was raped. I said no way and scheduled an appt. with him to talk more about it. He recommended that I call the crisis center and explain it to them. When I did, I cried so hard I could barely breath. They told me that I was in fact raped, and to call the police. I went through the exam, which was nothing compared to what I already went through. It turned out that I had severe bruising in my vagina, scratches in my rectum, and all over my clitoris. I had a urinary tract infection, that luckily was the only thing that I got as far as they know.
I have decided to press charges against the two men that did this. I wish that I did not have to, because it only makes me feel worse. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I am still so unsure if it was in fact rape that I went through. I do know that I did not want to do any of the things that happened, and I regret going up there in the first place. Now I have moved out of the state because I was so afraid that they would come kill me when they found out I told the police. I only pray to God that I am doing the right thing. I still want to die, but I know that one day I won't.
My story actually begins a few days before anything really happened. I was friends with these 2 girls Marsha and Teen. Recently we had started hanging out with some guys named Ethan and Kenny and Matt and a few others which I don't remember too well. I always had a bad vibe about them but I never said anything for fear of my friends thinking I was trying to ruin their fun.
Marsha's parents were out of town and Teen and I decided to sleep at her house. It was a school night and Kenny and Matt had told us they would come over and hang out with us. So they did. I remember it was all very innocent and I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up Teen and Matt were sleeping and Marsha was watching TV. I felt Kenny's hand on my stomach...kind of rubbing it. And his other hand was on my leg. I was uncomfortable so I made up an excuse saying I had to go to the bathroom.
A few days later Marsha and teen wanted to sleep at the guys' house. All I ever wanted was to fit in and not to lose these friends...so I went along with it. I've always been extremely sensitive and holding everything in. Which is why I developed anorexia at 14 years old. I was 17 when the rape and attempted rape occurred and I just turned 18 on March 17th. The incident occurred the beginning of November of '99.
So that night everyone seemed to be hooking up...but I was already seeing someone so I made that pretty clear. Now the room we had to sleep in was extremely small so we had to share beds. By process of elimination I was made to sleep in Kenny's bed...which right away I was scared about. Still didn't say anything though. So I went to sleep that night...November 1st, 1999...and when I woke up and was extremely disoriented. It took me a while to realize that he was actually inside of me. So when I tried to push him away he wouldn't move. He said "shhh, I'll be done soon" like he was taking something that belonged to him. I wanted to scream and kick but I was too weak. I had just woken up so I was still groggy. Also my friends were right there and I felt ashamed. I felt dirty and disgusting and stupid. But before I could even get a word out..he was done. I didn't want my friends to think I was just trying to create problems. So Kenny just got up and went and talked to everyone while I rolled over in bed and cried. I felt (and still do) that it must've been my fault because I didn't scream or maybe if I would've tried harder to get him off of me. It took me until the next assault to realize that he had raped me. I guess I thought that it couldn't be rape since I didn't scream and I didn't kick him or push him hard enough.
The next incident occurred November 4th, 1999. I do blame myself for this one too because why in the hell would I go back over there knowing with these guys are like? ya know? Well the only reason I can remember for going back over there is that Teen wanted to see her boyfriend Matt. I figured that Teen would be there and everything would be okay.
Well when we got there we all sat down and things were alright until Matt got a call on his cell phone and announced he was going to pick someone up. I remember giving Teen this look like "don't leave me alone with them" and hoping she'd read into my eyes. But she didn't. So I got up and started walking out saying that I was going home and she started begging me to wait until she got back...so I could drive her home too. Another case of me not being able to say no. I hate myself for that. I really do.
So they left and things were okay except that Kenny was there and I felt really awkward. He was on the floor playing video games. So then Ethan brings out the weed and I've always been against drugs. I drink once in a while but I've never done drugs. So when they offered me some, naturally I said no. After a while I started getting a contact buzz though from being in this small room with them with no ventilation. I guess they were able to tell because then once again Ethan offered me some thinking maybe I'd not know what I was doing. Although I felt really weak, I refused.
That's when he came over to me and held me on the couch and started blowing me shotties. It's like he planned on getting me stoned so that he could do what he wanted. Well after a while I was feeling the effects of it and I laid my head down on the couch. Ethan then got up and sat down beside me. He started touching me. I tried to push him away but he was too heavy. Somehow he got my jeans and underwear down and he penetrated me with his fingers. I remember crying and feeling so dirty but every time he saw that I was in pain, he'd become more violent with me. He took his whole fist and jammed it inside of me. I winced in pain. I had only had sex one time before any of this started so my body wasn't used to this. I felt like I was being torn apart. He stood up and I thought oh thank you god don't let him hurt me anymore. I saw him walk over to the corner of the room. He pulled out a condom and started opening it up when I heard the doorbell ring. Ethan and Kenny went to answer the door and I just laid on the couch curled up...not knowing what to do. Needless to say, I made Teen go home as soon as she came in the door. I grabbed her arm and left.
I got home and fell asleep crying on my bed. I was just curled up in my bed. I felt so awful and dirty. I know it had to be my fault. The next day I woke up and took a scolding hot shower. I guess that's when I realized that the first incident with Kenny was indeed rape. I had tried to put that out of my mind and I guess it worked until the whole thing with Ethan. I stayed in the shower for what seemed like forever...I thought the hotter I had the water..the more I could wash away what they had done to me.
It's been almost 5 months since it happened. My mom pretty much pried it out of me 2 weeks after the whole thing. She seemed so angry at me...but I know it was really her anger for what they had done to me. She just didn't know where to direct it. I rarely talk about it...I try to avoid the topic at all costs. I guess that's a bad thing because it only enhances the flashbacks. I hate the flashbacks and the nightmares and the depression and the feeling of disgust whenever I even think about it and how it affects my eating disorder. God this was really hard to do...I'm afraid of people pointing fingers at me and saying that I deserved what I got. I guess that's pretty much a universal fear though. Thank you for listening to my story.
im = SunStarzMn
It was almost 2 years ago that I was raped. It was a very hot summer and I had was recovering from complications of an appendectomy. I had nothing at that time, no job, no home, no money. I was staying on a friend's couch until I could get back on my feet.
I met a man who was courting my "roommate" at the time and he offered me the world. He presented himself to be a fairly prominent business man both in my area and globally. He offered me a key position in a business he was starting, seed money, clothing allowance, travel expenses, and a trip to Europe. Do you know that old saying about "If it seems too good to be true...."? Well, all of this was so enticing at that time (considering my situation). He even had me make out a list of everything I wanted in my life and we went through it and he told me he could get me all of it.
The only catch was... I had to be as close to him as possible. I mean, if he was going to trust me with his business, he had to be able to trust me. In other words, he wanted me to whore myself to him in order to get a job. I extended my gratitude for his offer but explained that I had no desire to have a sexual relationship with him and I showed him to the door.
Either I forgot to lock it behind me or my "roommate" gave him a key because when I went into the bathroom to change my dressing on my wound, he suddenly appeared. I was facing the mirror to clean the wound and he came up from behind me. He wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled my skirt up with the other hand. I tried to kick, scream, jerk around but I was in too much pain from the open wound on my abdomen. When I realized that I could not physically force this man to release me, I tried to appeal to him verbally. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to stop. I told him I didn't want to and how much it hurt.
When that didn't work I gave up all hope and told him if he was going to rape me would he at least put on a condom. He replied that I had to "trust him" and he wasn't raping me, he was welcoming me to his "organization". Eventually the tears and screams must have made an impact because he stopped and left the room. I sat on the floor for what seemed like forever, and when I returned to the living room he was sitting there smiling. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?" were his words to me.
I didn't know what to do... I felt so disgusted. I thought it was my fault. I invited this man into my home, I sat and spoke with him, I finally gave up and asked him to use protection. Maybe I wasn't raped. Maybe he really thought I was OK with it. He told me how his cousins were lawyers in town and how he was connected to some "organized businesses" globally and that I should just do what I am told and quietly be thankful for what is being offered to me. I just shook and stared blankly until he left. I was so scared of his connections that I never told the authorities. I didn't tell anyone for a long time. I took a one hour shower that day.
Now, as I said before, it's been almost 2 years. I can still remember his smell on me and I can still see his reflection in the mirror behind me. I can't be alone with a man in a bathroom unless I know him very well, and I can't allow any man to touch me in any way without warning me first. I wake up from nightmares and regret every day I let pass without telling anyone. I only hope someday soon I will work through this and be able to live a normal life.
im = Frog Princess76