I don't remember when my father first started sexually abusing me, but I believe I must have been very young, cause it seems to have always been a part of my life. He never hurt me, but used me for his own gratification, at least until I was 10, and then things began to change. He would work nights, and was often home during the day, and would invite me or my sister to bed with him, when mum wasn't in the room of course. Sometimes when my sister was chosen I would feel ashamed, as if I wasn't good enough. Sometimes he would take us both together. I remember being so young that I couldn't co-ordinate my hand well enough to masturbate him efficiently, and later feeling kinda proud that I was now able to do it properly. One time mum came into the bedroom and saw us, she looked a bit shocked, said "oh", and left the room closing the door behind her.
I didn't seem to mind what I was doing, I thought it was completely normal, but I think other things must have happened, cause I used to hide behind the wallpaper. If I stared at the wallpaper long enough, it seemed to kinda lift off the wall, and in my mind I could slip behind it, and feel nothing, just hide there.
He would send me out to call for my friends, and then take them upstairs, and I would just sit downstairs and wait for them, but they always went home after that, and didn't want to play.
When I was 10 he tried to penetrate me, and he kept rubbing me with his penis, and the thing I have found sooooo hard to live with is, I climaxed, and it doesn't matter what anyone says, I feel sooooooo ashamed of that, and I have never been able to climax since, without struggling with flashbacks, shame, guilt, fear, anger, etc. etc. It has made my whole married life a complete and utter sham. I have been married for 22 years, and have faked it constantly, if I even become slightly aroused, I totally freak, but I hide it, and pretend every thing is ok, cause I don't want him to know my deepest darkest guilty secret.
Luckily my dad left home just after that, he was caught molesting a child in the village and warned off. so he left without telling anyone. That's when my mum went crazy. She would beat us if we asked where dad was, or even if we just mentioned his name. Then it got worse, my brothers, began abusing me also, they would creep into my room at night and touch me, and why did I always pretend to be asleep? I don't know, but even when the really hurt me I would pretend to be asleep, something to do with being submissive I suppose.
Mum went cuckoo at this time, she was pregnant with her 7th child and alone. She would lock me in my room , and take all my clothes. She put me in the shed at nights to sleep. she would lock me out at night. She beat shit out of me when I started my periods. She never spoke to me unless it was to put me down.
I knew it was wrong, but when I was 16 she decided I was so bad she had to send me to live with my dad in England. She didn't tell me, but on my 16th birthday she woke me up with a slap and thew a plane ticket at me, saying, "happy fucking birthday bitch" It was the only time she had ever acknowledged my birthday in my life.
I was born and raised in Northern Ireland, and anyone who knows Northern Irish people will know how fiercely loyal the are to their country. To leave my beloved country was too much, I took an overdose, but my friend found me and got help. My mum completely ignored this, and bundled me into a taxi while I was semiconscious, and put me on the plane to my dad.
My older sister was already living with my dad and his new wife, so she met me, and within a few days, we moved out to a bedsit. She was a heave drinker, and within a week of arriving we were at a club, and she fucked of with some bloke leaving me alone in the club with no idea of where I was or how to get home. So this nice bloke offered me a life home, and I accepted. Only it wasn't his car, it was some older mans car, and he dropped everyone else off first, then took me to a field and choked me till I was unconscious, took me out of the car, and raped me. I came to, to find him on top of me, in a stinging nettle patch, and I freaked, so he choked me again, and then I woke in the back of the car and he was raping me again. I kept still this time, cause I thought I was going to die, and god forgive me, he went on so long, I just wanted it over with, I'm so ashamed, I gave him a couple of thrusts to help his and sure enough he finished. God I'm so ashamed of myself, he took me home, my sister went mad cause it was 4 in the morning, I told her what had happened, she went berserk, called me a liar and a slut, stripped me naked, saw the stings all over my body, and the marks on my neck, freaked, and immediately, at 4 in the morning washed all the clothes I was wearing, cause she said there would be no proof without them.
It's taken me a long time to realize I did nothing wrong, but the shame still lives with me. I was a slut for many years, till I met my husband, I would go with anyone, old men, users one night stands, I knew what they wanted, and I could give it to them, but I couldn't understand why I never saw them ever again.
I am a wonderful mother, I work with young children, and I know I am excellent at my job, I am a wonderful wife, but I still need reassurance that others love me, and I still feel something's is missing, does anyone actually want me for me? or just for what I can give them, cause I'm still just trying to please everyone else, I don't really know who I am at all.
I wish I knew so I could just be the real me.
Sorry if this is a bit messy, I have just slipped a disc, and am on some heavy meds, that's probably why I'm able to actually write all this, so forgive any spelling mistakes.
Thanks for listening,
I was a 6th grade honors student and track star. My parents were engaged in very immature, ugly divorce proceedings and nasty custody battles and I sought solace and distraction in athletics and academia.
I knew him. He lived nearby and was a football player. He and his buddies let me hang out with them and they taught me how to throw a football very well. Everyone in the community thought they were the cream of the crop and I felt privileged that they paid me any attention.
He and I began corresponding and he'd invite me over to hang out and I felt so honored. I was just a very shy geeky kid. I didn't know anything about sex. I had absolutely no idea.
One afternoon, while I was at his house, after playing catch, someone knocked on his door. It was his girlfriend.
He kinda went berserk and commanded me to hide. I did. That's when I got scared, but I didn't know what of. He convinced her to leave, somehow, and I came out of hiding, confused at him.
He threw me down and at first I thought he was playing some weird game. When he began to wrestle my shorts off, I started really fighting and yelling at him... I didn't have a clue as to what he was doing, but I got scared and all I could say was, "NO" over and over again. I had no clue what he was doing. I was so shocked.
He did it and bit my nipples in the process. I was hysterical but terrified to make a sound afterward. I didn't know what just happened. I didn't know about penises and vaginas or the functions. Limping home with bloody boobs and tears, I remember trying to make it right in my head and all I could come up with was, "this must be the way it is" and that was all I knew.
When I got home, I held my chin up and came in the front door, greeted by my mother's morbid voice from the kitchen, "leave me alone." and I did. I died a little then.
Not knowing any different about sex, I continued to be a shameful, discreet cumsponge for years. I kept "seeing" Him because I thought he might do something worse if I didn't. I seemed to attract abusers. When I was 19, I said, "no" to some guy, and he actually stopped and it confused me.
I ran away from home when I was 15 and OD'ed twice. I sobered up when I was 18.
Now I am 32 and still do not take things personally. I consciously try not to generalize about men/people. I forgive the men who hurt me (but do not tolerate disrespectful behaviors) and my family for not being able to "be there."
I do not think that sex has anything to do with love. I do know love and enjoy sharing it unconditionally, especially with family and friends. I do enjoy sex, with respectful partners only.
Nobody in my life knows about my 6th grade experience. Someday, I might see fit to share it with someone I know. I think about sharing it, but it would kill my mother if she ever knew. I pride myself on "not being a victim" and have much to be proud of today. I am a professional, secure woman and self-sufficient. I have not survived; I have prevailed.
I do admit, though, that I still get a sickly feeling when I hear that word.
I feel life can be so cruel. Sometimes I can not wait to go to heaven were everything is safe and loved. I feel I only have God to help me everyday. God has given me the strength to deal with all the pain and suffering I have been through. I am 31 years old and finally realized that God did not do this to me it is the devil in the person who hurt me.
I have been mistreated several times. It started when I was around 6 years old visiting my sister Brenda. An old man would visit my sister and we were all outside. My sister Brenda asked me to take the old man inside the house so he can get a shot of whiskey. I saw him take two shots of whiskey and he told me not to tell them that he took two shots instead of one. Before I knew it he grabbed my little body up and kissed me. Once it put me back down I ran like the wind. I was trying to get Brenda attention but the old man got by her. I told her once he left and she ignored me. I told her I wanted to go home. I told my mom and she ignored me. I never wanted to go visit my sister again but, my mom made me. I walked to the convenient store with my other sister Christy. (I have 7 brothers and sisters and I am the youngest). On the way back we were taking a short cut back to my sister Brenda's house and I noticed we were close to the old man's house. My sister Christy ran and left me behind and I started to get scared. The old man saw me and he was by his front door and he asked me to come to him. I ran like the wind again.
I told my older sister Brenda and she told me not to go around there. I told her I don't want to ever come to her house again. She told me that I have no choice in the matter. I asked her if you are taking care of me and your a mother yourself why don't you try to protect me? Why don't you do something about it? She slapped me and told me never talk to her that way again. From this day we are still are not close. I wondered if my nieces or my other sister Christy ever had situations happened to them from the old man but, I never got the nerve to ask them.
When I was 6 or 7 my mom would take me to a baby sister across the street from my older sister Brenda's house. She was a religious black woman. Strange in her own way but very caring. One day her son was visiting her and she asked him to watch me so she could go to a store. I saw him lock the door and chain it. I told him I am going to visit my sister and I tried to un-chain the door. I could not reach it. The man picked me up and slammed me on the couch and told me to stay put. He then he sat beside me and he unbuttoned his pants. He stood up and pulled down his pants and underwear. He started rubbing his penis and kept telling me to watch. When I turned my head he would tell me that if I didn't watch that he could do something else to me. I turned my head and he say you better watch. He grabbed my small hand and put it on his penis and told me how he wanted me to rub it. Then he pulled my head down and put his penis in my mouth. He said that I was not doing good enough for him. He pulled down my pants. I started crying real hard. He said I am not going to hurt you. I just want to look. He made me lay down on the couch and he put his head between my legs and licked me. Then he started touching me. He would lick, touch and then rub his penis. Then he asked me to stand up. He put his penis in my mouth and he ejaculated in my mouth. He made me swallow the sperm. He told me to get dressed and he pulled up his pants. He told me to not tell anyone or he will hurt me.
When she came home and he unlocked the door. I ran over to my sister Brenda's house. I told her what happened and I want to go home. Brenda told me that I lie so much and she is getting tried of me making up stories that men or sexually abusing me. My sister Brenda took me home. I told my mom what happened and then I started throwing up. My mom noticed that I might be telling the truth. Then she told me that she needed to check me. She noticed that I was wearing my underwear inside out and she notice there was a lot of redness. She told me that I never had to go over there again.
We lived in Federal Housing and around 8 years old my sister Christy rode her bike to the store. When she got home she told my and me that some man tried to get her in the car to show him where the post office was. My mom told me what he looked like and what kind of car he was driving. Plus, I remembered that Christy told me that he asked for the post office directions. I was visiting a old lady in a wheel chair across the street. When I crossed the street a car pulled up beside me and asked me if I knew the directions to the post office. I instantly remembered and I started screaming at him. I ran to the house screaming. My mom ran out and I told her. She grabbed her keys and we went chasing him. He drove through the military housing and mom started blowing the horn and screaming the car in front of us is a child molester. A military man made the car stop then other military men came out. They held the man until the police officer came.
The police officer did not arrest him or anything. I still don't know from this day if the man ever got caught. I remember the last name of the man. Mr. Sanders, he was in his 40's, reddish gray hair. He had a beard that was unusual to me. It was gray in the bottom part of his lip but reddish every where else. I pray everyday that he got caught and no one was seriously hurt.
When I was around 10 I use to go through the military housing and go through the park and go fishing in the woods. While I was fishing I seen two men coming towards me. I knew I had to run. I felt something was going to happen. I dropped my brand new fishing pole and ran. I told my mom and my brother Chuck said he was going to go and get my fishing pole. He brought it back and it was broken into. I knew I did not throw it down hard enough to brake it. I think one of the men did. A week later a little girl was raped by two men and I really believe those were the man that was coming after me.
I started having problems with my brother David. He was in his 20's. I was around 11 or 12. We had a old bath room door and for some reason there were holes in the door. I would put toilet paper in them so I could take a bath. When I got out to dry off I noticed that the toilet paper were not in the door any longer. I that they must have fell out. I happened several times. Until one day, I put toilet paper in the holes and I waited. I had a small wire. I noticed the toilet paper falling to the floor. I put the wire through the hole and then heard a scream. I poked my brother in the eye with the wire. I told mom what happened and she said that it wouldn't happen again. I did not trust my brother David from that point.
One day, I was home alone and I was getting ready for a date. My brother David came to the house. I told him that mom was not home. I told him to stay in the living room. I was about to change clothes until I felt someone was watching me. I ran to my door and opened it up and I saw my brother David running in the hall back to the living room. I would not change clothes until my date was there. When I told my mom. I told her if she doesn't not keep David away from me I would go live with Grandmother. My mom made sure she would be around when David came to visit.
One night I was watching TV and shining my ROTC shoes. My mom went outside through the back door and she was putting some things away. She walked in the front of the house and she saw a man looking through the window at me. He was rubbing himself and staring at me. My mom started yelling and saying Chuck (my other brother) to get a gun. I ran to the door and opened it. I saw the man he was trying to pull up his pants and run. My mom tried to run after him but she didn't want to leave me behind. Because Chuck was really not at home. It was only me and mom at home at the time. I was glad that my mom saw and stopped what was happening.
My mom allowed me start dating when I was 15 years old. I had a huge crush on a guy in high school. He name was Ronnie S. He had his own car and he was very popular in high school. I thought he would never notice me but, he asked me out. I begged my mom for me to go out with him. He picked me up and mom even took a picture of us. She said that she wanted a picture of me on my first date. But, I never thought my first date would turn into a nightmare. We went to the movies and then he took me to Navypoint. We walked by the water and talked. We sat down on a wood stump. We started kissing and he tried to do more. I told him no. He kept on and I repeated saying no. Ronnie told me if I don't have sex with him that he won't drive me back home. It is a good 5 miles from my house. I told him I am not going to have sex with you. I started walking. He knocked me down and tried to get my clothes off of me. I kicked him and got up and ran. I walked back home. I had problems a school because he told everyone that we had sex and I was very easy. I started having problems with a lot of guys. I went into Ronnie's face and told him in front of a lot of people that I did not have sex with you and that Ronnie tried to rape me. I got a lot of the ROTC males respect for standing up and they would defend me every time someone gave me a hard time. It made it more bearable for their help.
When I was 15, my boyfriend gave me a puppy. One night the puppy was barking. A man was cutting the screen and trying to get into my bedroom. I started screaming and my brother Chuck came in my room and he had a small axe in his hand. He drove across me and swung at the man and missed him and made a big cut in the wood. The man ran and my brother could not catch up with him. My mom for several weeks would sleep on the floor by my bed until I felt safe again.
In 1995, after a 8 year marriage. I came back to Florida and stayed with my mom. I was a mother of three and I was working two jobs to provide for my children. I never had to work when I was married and I did not know what to do. My sister Terry told me that I could make some good tips if I worked as a waitress in a bar. So, I worked at a AMVET. It is a retired military bar. Only members and their guest can come in the bar. I worked as a waitress and then they trained me as office manager.
The day before Christmas Eve the waitress got sick and I told her to go home and I would finish her shift. I had around 20 customers. There were two non-members that were with their sponsors. The sponsor was about to leave and I told the two non-members if their sponsor leave they have to leave to. One of the non-members started to get upset and started yelling at me. I told him to leave now. Their was one man in the bar heard all the yelling and kicked the two men out. I was closing up the bar and waiting for the Commander of the Post to help me close. It was around 12:30am and he was not there. I gathered up the old used beer bottles and put them in a box to throw away. I put the box down and open the emergency door to brace it so I could get the box and throw the trash away. When I opened it up a man pushed me down and I hit my head. He picked up a bottle and hit me in the head. Then he pulled me by my hair towards the stage. We started fighting and he grabbed a bottle and hit me in the head again. I passed out and we I came to he had taken off one of my shoes and one of my legs were out of my panties and pants. He was trying to get on top of me. I fought him again. He turned me over and I was half on the stage and half off the stage. I was tying to reach for the microphone stand but I could not reach it. He got on me from behind and I could feel the pain when he went into my vagina. He would pull my hair and slam his penis inside me hard. He kept on telling me that I want to make you bleed. I don't remember a lot. I am glad in a way because what I do remember haunts me everyday of my life. I remember he said the he wanted to bite my nipples off. He wanted me to do oral sex but he said the he knows I will bite it, He wanted to put his penis up my ass unless I beg him not to. I did beg and luckily he did not do that. He told me to tell him he is the only man in my life now and that I love him. He told me that I will see him anytime he wanted to do rough sex on me. He told me to say slow down when he would do it harder in me. He kept raping me at least for 4 hours. When he finally was through he dug his nails into my flesh on my butt and made a deep scratch mark and told me it is a reminder of him.
I remember a lot of things but when he left I don't remember how I got home. All I remember is hearing screams of my mother, my children, and my sister Christy. Then they took me to the hospital and treated me. The cops did not say they will catch the man. I told him I have his name on the sign-in sheet. They said they would investigate it. Nothing has come of it and they never caught the man. The cops never told me were I could go and get counseling either.
April 1999, I was working and the maintenance man was constantly making sexual remarks to me. Like, he would like to do oral sex on me. I told him several times to stop. On June 25, 1999,When I had to go to the maintenance shed to get supplies he was in there and he made a few sexual comments to me and I noticed there was a Polaroid picture of a woman's breast and a Polaroid picture of a close of shot of a woman's vagina. I got very uncomfortable and when I was about to leave a male supervisor came in. He saw the pictures and said something about two wives. I went into the main building and told a woman supervisor. She laughed and refused to go and take the pictures down. I found out a lot of people knew about the pictures and never did nothing about it. Anyway, I started having more problems at work and they were trying to make me quit.
November 1999, I asked a police officer I met several times for some help and advice and he told me to meet him. He gave me advice and how to stop the sexual harassment, and harassment in the work place. I was grateful for all of his help. We became good acquaintances and we would meet once in a while to tell him what things were going on in my work place. He seemed so caring and interested in my well being. The first time I did meet with him he did hit on me. I told him that I will not cheat on my husband. The officer told me that he will never do that again and he was sorry if he offended me. For several months he never made anymore sexual comments towards me even when he visited me at my work a few times.
January, 2000. My mom past away. My mom was here one day and she was gone the next. She had a double heart attack. Nothing could save her. I was lost with out her. Having a hard time working without crying so much. Feb, 2000. The police officer had me to meet him because he would like to know how I was doing. I wanted to meet him because I thought he would be able to talk to me and give me advice on how to deal with my lose. When I met him he told me to get out of my car in a authoritative voice. When I got out of the car he asked for a hug. I did not seen anything wrong with it because I have been receiving hugs from a lot of people. Before I knew it his hands were on my breast. I pulled his hands off of my breast. He grabbed me by the waist and kissed me. I pushed him a way again. I took a step back and he grabbed me by my waist again and he kissed me while he was rubbing his crotch around the hip area. I told him to stop and No I am not interested. He stepped back and said if I can't touch you, you are welcomed to touch me. I told him no, I am not interested. He grabbed me again and told me that he can't help himself. I was lucky I got away. I felt that he was about to rape me.
I went home and told my husband. I filed a complaint against the police officer but they told me that it is his word against mine. I am so tried of the legal system. I know it needs to be changed. I am willing to fight, fuss, do petition. What ever it takes to change the legal systems and get rid of the bad cops that hurt people like myself. The cop knew I just lost my mom and took advantage of me. I finally found a counselor. The attack by the police officer has brought back the past experiences. I found out we only have one rape counselor. There is so many changes that need to be made and I don't know where to start. I don't want this to happen anymore to me or anyone else. I trying to find some organizations to join or try to help or at least listen to other victims.
I know none of this is my fault and it no the other victims fault too. Please don't ever blame yourself blame the person who hurt you. Do did not wake up first thing in the morning and say I feel like being raped today. I think the rapist would wake up first thing in the morning and saw who is the victim next. Fight back, this time you can win and you won't be physical hurt. You can heal yourself by fighting back. We need more help through the police departments. We need more rape therapist, we need to learn how to protect us and each other. How would it make it more comfortable to be able to go to a hospital right after a rape? We need to get together and find how we can help others and how we can save other people from being raped, beaten, and etc. These rapist needs to know that we are not going to put up with this anymore. Rape victim has rights too!
I am not ready to give my name just yet. Please understand.