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Survivor Stories

My name is Amber and I was raped by my best friend, Matt.

This happened last year when I was a senior. Matt would always give me and my friend Kate rides home from school. One day Matt dropped Kate off first, when usually he dropped me off first. We drove around for a little while until he pulled into his driveway.

He invited me in and it was ok. He brought me a soda and gave me the grand tour of his house. He stopped me outside of his room and pulled me inside. He turned on the stereo loud and pushed me onto the bed. He raped me vaginally and anally. He beat the crap out of me. When he was done, he let me get up and drove me home.

I told no one what had happened and let it drop. Two months later, I found out that I was pregnant. There were all kinds of rumors around my Catholic, private high school that I was pregnant. I ended up having an abortion and transferring to an out of state high school where I could start over.

It was a good idea. I am ok now because of my supportive family and new friends. If anyone has been through this, please talk with me at bugrad2023@aol.com

Amber


If I don't submit this tonight I know that I never will and I may not think about it again for weeks. Things have been speaking to me all night and reading a few of the other survivors stories is really making my demons surface again. I must fight them now while the strength that permeates this place has its hold on me.

When I was little...I think kindergarten...my cousin began molesting me. I didn't think of it as anything bad for a long long time because "playing doctor" is innocent. This was not. He was a good 5 years my senior at the time and I know he knew what he was doing. He didn't do it often, but whenever he would come to visit (on holiday, mostly) he would find a way to do something to me. He would make me touch his penis and would touch me "down there," too. He said if I didn't let him that he would tell on me. Sometimes he would get me alone in my room and want to lie on top of me. I was afraid of him tattling on me (Christ, I was only 5 or 6) so I would let him. As the years wore on I still remained silent and when I would get the gumption to tell my parents it always came out like he was more innocent than I. I blamed myself and it showed.

It was terrible...the mind games he put on me still linger. When he stopped showing attention toward me I thought that there was something wrong with me. I developed a self-hatred that I still am not rid of. It took my family's moving three states away when I was 11 to give my mind a chance to breathe. I found out tonight that he is getting married. I'm in some ways worried for his children and for his wife. I wonder if he thinks about what he did and I wonder if it stands a chance of happening again. I'm so frightened of that.

The lack of self-esteem led to my losing my virginity at age 17 to a man I didn't love in the least. It was consensual, but I felt raped. Does that make sense? It wasn't violent. He wasn't rough. But I felt stained. Most of my friends weren't much help; they said that it wasn't rape because I had agreed. I even tried to carry on a relationship with this man (he was 20) for a while but it didn't work. He lost interest and so did I, but in the end I blamed myself for the relationship's demise, unable to come to grips that it wasn't my fault the relationship went sour...that it simply wasn't meant to be.

Since then, I've tried to heal the crimes I've committed against myself. If there is and occurrence of molestation or abuse (even in the news), it sets me into a pit of depression that I don't rise from for days or weeks. My current boyfriend is a great comfort to me and tries as best he can to comfort me or stay out of my way when the situation demands, but even he sometimes cannot make things better. I keep myself busy on rough days. I write poetry religiously...sometimes 20 poems in a day...even if it is only a few lines or ramblings of sentences. I've considered getting professional help for some "structured" healing, but I know that everything has to start with me. I'm a work in progress. This has helped me a great deal...thank you.

If anyone would like to email me, please do: amanda@inmyhead.net

Amanda M.
icq = 3571310


Okay, here goes....

I am a survivor of child molestation, rape and abuse. I barely remember my childhood abuse, except for a few occasions. First one was when I was about 6 years old. My mother had been married to my step-father for about 2 years when we met my step-father's brother, Rick. I remember Rick coming into my sister's and my room at night. He first started touching my sister. She wouldn't stay quiet and would cry. He then started in on me. He would get into my bed and start touching me down there. I would pretend to be asleep thinking he would stop, but he actually preferred it that way. He would keep touching me until I got off. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't understand why my body responded to him in that way. He told me if I ever told, he would kill my mother. So he continued to come into my room and each time just touch me until I came. Then he would say, "Good Girl, now don't you feel better?"

The next incident that I remember was when I was about 12 years old. My mother divorced my step-father and had a boyfriend, Eddie. Eddie was great. He was fun-loving and fun to be around. He gave me a lot of attention, attention I badly needed. Since my mother never did like me and verbally abused me all my life. Anyway, the problem wasn't with Eddie but his son, Richard. Richard was 13 when he started molesting me. One night I was taking a bath, we lived in a house that had a new back porch built onto the back of the house. So the bathroom actually had a window that went to this room which was turned into a bedroom for my baby brother. Anyway, I was in the bath, and I looked up and saw my brother, he was about 8, and Richard watching me take a bath. Then Richard starting coming into my room at night. He first would see if I was awake, again I pretended to be asleep. If he thought I was asleep, he would come over to me and would start pulling my panties off. He would touch me until I got wet. Then he would put his mouth there, and lick me. I would pretend to wake up and roll over, and he would flee. He did this several times, and he actually thought I knew NOTHING about it. I never told my mom, we didn't have a good relationship anyway.

The next incident was the most violent. I was 15 years old and a virgin. I had just ran away from home, my mother was physically abusive to me, not my other siblings, but to me. Anyway, my best friend lived just two houses from me, and her mom let me live there. The first night, the same day I ran away, we (Lori, and me) were getting ready for bed when the phone rang. It was a guy friend of hers. He wanted her and I to come over for a while. I said no way! She convinced me to go saying that he was there by his self, and just wanted to talk with her.

Well, he came and picked us up. It was about midnight, so Lori and I sneaked out of the house. We got to his apartment and the first thing I saw was three other guys there. I said to Lori, "You lied, he's not alone!" And she said, that he had lied to her. Anyway, things were going okay, the guys were flirting with me, and it made me feel good. Then they grabbed me and took me into another room. I screamed as loud as I could. They freaked out and stuffed my mouth with some clothing. One guy held me by my arms, and the other ones ripped off my jeans and panties. I then knew what they had in store for me. They then cut my bra off with a knife, and it cut me, to which I have a scar to this day. My mind was racing, I was trying to think of anything to try and get them to stop. I pleaded with them to let me talk with Lori first, and they let me. They brought Lori into the room and I took her into a corner and begged her to help me. She just laughed and left the room. Then one guy came back in the room, and proceeded to rape me.

Since I was a virgin and not turned on, so I was dry, he couldn't get it into me. He asked me to suck him, and I said, "If you put that thing into my mouth, I will bite it off!" He then asked Lori to come suck him so he could get it hard, and she did! He then raped me, it hurt more than words can describe so I won't bother. And when he was done the leader of the group ordered me to come sit on his lap. They gave me a blanket to put around me and I had to sit on his lap. I couldn't stop shaking. I plead with him to let me go home and he said as soon as he's finished with me. He then acted like he was comforting me, then he stood up and said "Okay, it's our turn". And took me into the other room and raped me. Then the third guy came in and took his turn. I was so sore and blood was everywhere and I just laid there and cried. The fourth and final guy came in to take his turn. He was the nicest of them. I cried and pleaded with him not to rape me, but he said if he didn't they all would come in here and rape me again. So he raped me, gently as he could. They then all came in and threw my clothes at me while laughing and said," Come on you baby, were taking you home, your no fun like Lori". I guess while I was being raped in one room, Lori was giving it willing to all the guys in another room.

When he (the leader) dropped us off at Lori's he grabbed my shirt and glared in my eyes and said, "If you tell anyone, I will come back late at night and blow up your mom's house". So I never reported it, I mean I had a baby sister who was just 3 years old, my brother and my older sister plus my mom in the house. And I believed him. Later I found out that all those guys were in the Italian Mafia. And were in their 30's! When Lori and I got in her room, I cried and asked her why she let them do that to me and she said, "I thought you wanted it"! Ha! I don't know why, but Lori and I remained best friends until I was about 30.

The last time (hopefully) that I was raped was when I was 18 years old. My boyfriend and I ran away to Texas. Why, I don't know. One night we got into a big fight, he was physically abusive to me. He beat me until the neighbor had to take me to the hospital. I received 15 stitches above my right eye. My boyfriend wouldn't let me come home, and since I was in a different state, I didn't know anyone. We had met some people about a week earlier, and I remember one of the guys saying if I ever needed any help to come to him. So I did. He was cool, and let me stay with him and his girlfriend. Then him and his girl and a bunch of people were going to go to this lake for a barbecue and to party. I was so depressed and homesick, that I decided I needed some cheering up. We partied all night, and I drank way too much.

The last thing I remember was I was in a truck past out. Someone was in the truck and kept groping me. I kept saying no. They then took me to their house, these three guys. And two of them raped me as I was in and out of consciousness. Somehow during the night I broke my big toe on my right foot. Then the next guy came in for his turn, I pleaded and cried for him not to, (sound familiar?) and this time he didn't. He then helped me to get out of the apartment. But I had no where to go, so we decided to sleep in my boyfriend's broken down car. When we awoke the next morning it was to glass breaking and someone screaming. It was my boyfriend, he had thrown a brick in the car breaking the windows. Somehow the glass cut up my face. I was still not sure what was going on. Then I saw my boyfriend and the guy who had saved me last night fighting. My boyfriend thought I had slept with him. I stopped my boyfriend and told him what had happened, and that this guy had saved my ass. So he said thanks to the guy and pulled me after him down the street.

I was a mess. I had a broken toe, so I couldn't walk very well, over one eye I had stitches and over the other was blood drying, from the broken glass. He just kept yelling at me all the way home. He then shut the door in my face and wouldn't let me in. I was crying hysterically for someone to help me, but no one would. I then went to this abandoned apartment complex, went in, found a room, that didn't look too bad, laid down on the floor and fell asleep. When I awoke, all I saw was a rat as big as a cat, staring me right in the face. I guess the blood all over me had attracted him. I screamed and got up and ran out. Then I called my mom, crying and asked if I could come home. She sent me a bus ticket and I went home.

Since then, I have been in several abusive relationships. I had a daughter by one of the abusers when I was 25. He didn't want anything to do with me or our child. As a single mother without education, I didn't know what to do. So I got on welfare. Then when my daughter was 5 months old, I started going to college. I got my degree when my daughter was 5 years old. We now live a very normal life, she is in the third grade. I just bought my home and I have been dating the greatest guy in the world for the past 3 and half years. He lets me cry on his shoulder and comforts me when needed. He is very supportive and stands behind me no matter what. I love him very much.

I guess what I want to say to those of you out there who are in abusive relationships or have been raped, that you cannot let someone else take control over your life. You can't let a rape hound you for the rest of your life. Tell anyone and everyone you can. Get help! There are people out there who care and will help. Take control over your own destiny and try (I know it's hard) to be happy. My daughter means the world to me and because of her I am more aware of people around me, and I am very protective over her. I would never allow something like this to happen to her. And when she's older, I'll teach her not to let herself be taken advantage of.

Randy


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