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Survivor Stories

I was molested by a close family friend (well...actually he was my god brother) from age 5 to about age 11 or 12. He wasn't old, he was about 14 when "it" started. I knew what he was doing was bad but I never told. It was our "special secret" b/c we were "special friends". He would take me in the basement and lock the room, "the dark room", and touch me and kiss me and make me touch him. It was his game. It was fun for him...not for me though. He would make me sing my alphabet and other kiddie songs when he did "it" so that no one would hear him talking. The things he said...I can't repeat them...it hurts too much.

I guess it got to the point where I wasn't "pleasing" him anymore b/c one day he decided to rape me. He did and it hurt soooooo bad. I lost my virginity at 8 years old...I have never told anyone that before. I was never safe from him. He babysat me...he could do "it" anytime he felt the urge and no one knew about it...they still don't know. I guess age 12 was when he finally stopped...I don't know why. Maybe b/c i got my period and there was too much of a risk or maybe he was just tired of me...I didn't care why he stopped but I was extremely happy for a quick second (actually about two years).

I had a fascination with the male body at the age of 14...I was tall for my age and with the right hair style could pass as 17...so I usually went out with older guys. BIG MISTAKE. The first incident is so miniscule I shouldn't even mention it but here's what happened that day. I was 14, he was 21 (he told me he was 17 and i told him i was 16) and he asked me to meet him at work. I said, "Sure." So I went. When I got there, he was there with his friends and said he had to lock up. Then he asked me to join him in the back room so he could get his coat. "Sure." I started to go back there but something in my head said, "Turn around...do not go back there with him." I turned to walk back but he grabbed me and started kissing me and forcing his tongue into my mouth and feeling "down there" with his free hand. I was terrified...his friends were in the front, would they hear if I screamed? Even if they did, who's to say he would hurt me before they came to help, if they even would help me or "help" him? Anyway...he was trying to get my pants down while I was trying desperately to bit his tongue and move his hand away from "there". I did end up getting away from him, and he didn't rape me like he wanted but he and his friends did call me a whore every time they saw me (obviously he told them a different version of the story.)

This 2nd incident is scary for me. I can only write the word "rape" I can't (or can ever) say I was raped. This isn't rape anyway...he forced me to perform oral sex on him. My "friend" did that to me. He threatened me and said if I didn't...well let's just say what he wanted to do was much worse.

I don't know about anyone else but I always thought that church was supposed to be a safe, happy place. A place where you can have all your problems solved and you can feel the love and happiness pulsating through your veins. Well...church never did any of those things for me. I don't know if what I am about to say is possible but...I am 16 y/o and being molested by a grown man...a deacon in my church. Is that right? Should that be allowed? I am afraid to walk past the building b/c he might be there. I can't use the bathroom anymore b/c he will be there waiting when I get out.

So much more things happened to me but this is all I can share...I am not a survivor...in fact, I barely made it. I tried to commit suicide many times...I never took enough pills or drank enough whatever...I can't even do that right. I will never tell my mother about any of this b/c I tried to tell her about Deac. and she said I was lying. Oh well...I can't change the past, only try to overcome it. I hope i actually will one day. Daily I ask myself, "Why did God forget about me? Why is He letting all these horrible things happen to me?"

Well...someone great (I mean tremendously great) just told me it was b/c He wanted to test my faith in Him. He still loves me and He always will. That made me feel a whole lot better. I thank him for that...even though he will never see this page...thank you so much Jason R. You will never understand what you did for me tonight 1/29/2000 (well...1/28/2000 for you *hint hint*.) Thank you from K in New York. And thank you to all the people that support this page...I needed to let this all out.

K.


My father is disabled and I have been anxious about him living alone. When my best friend mentioned that her boyfriend's mom was kicking him out. I thought what a perfect solution. Mike would have some place to live and I would have someone living with my dad in case he fell or needed something. I've known Mike for about 8 months. He seemed like a really sweet and sensitive guy. He is the second person my best friend has ever had sex with. He also knows my boyfriend, Eric. We had been really close and I didn't even question why his mom wanted him out.

So he moved into my father's house on Saturday. My best friend spent the whole weekend there, but left Sunday afternoon to go home. That night I went upstairs to the attic, now his bedroom, to find out what he had been discussing with my best friend. I asked him to set his alarm clock for 10pm because Eric is in the Air Force and was suppose to be calling between 10pm and 1am. We were just innocently laying on the be talking and going through some magazines. I fell asleep and when I woke up I felt his hand inside my shorts. I didn't know what was going on, I was just confused. I felt him penetrating me with his fingers, that is. When I realized what was actually happening. I rolled over, as if I was still asleep so he wasn't in a position to touch me anymore. I then preceded to act as if I was waking up and left. I don't remember what excuse I gave my dad for leaving.

The next morning I e-mailed my mom from work and told her what happened, she has been wonderful. I called my best friend and told her, I hadn't wanted to tell her over the phone, but she gave me no choice. My mom, best friend, and I went to the police station that night Jan. 24. The police were a lot better than any of us had envisioned them. They immediately went and arrested him. We then went down to City Hall and I spent 3 hours being interrogated by detectives. It was awful, but I knew it was/is just my word against his so I put up with it all.

He was charged with sexual battery. The Detectives debated on charging him with rape due to the penetration, but decided that sexual battery was a more solid case. I called and told Eric later that night. He was absolutely perfect. He kept telling me over and over what I did was the right thing, it felt so good to hear it from a man that I trusted.

I think I'm doing really good dealing with the police stuff, there are only 3 issues now. 1) is that my best friend and I are going crazy. She believes me and even went with me when I filed charges, but she is in denial. I know it is denial of the situation, but it feels a lot like she is denying me. We've been best friends for 6 years and have even lived together during some of the time we've been friends, Mike said once that we are the closest two people he has ever known, and I'm scared to death that he is going to be the end of our friendship. All of my other friends are guys and I find myself questioning their every move, which is driving me insane. I know that I will have to trust and I can't possibly have a happy life if I question everyone.

2) I know it has only been a few days and that Eric is down in Florida at Tch. School, but I'm scared to death that I'm going to start disassociating with him. He is the second person I've been intimate with and I'm his first. I have never disassociated with him before, but I use to do it all the time when any guy even just hugged me, due to some abuse I lived through when I was little.

3) this is the last thing, I promise. This entire incident has thrown me back. I know that I'm in a really good place within myself, but I haven't had to deal with a traumatic even of any kind since I've been okay with myself. I reverted back to old tactics of survival I used when I was little and that has me angry at myself. I though I would have been able to be straight forward and say NO, but I felt like I was 6 years-old again and cornered. Why say NO when they think you're asleep and you can make it out of this without confrontation? You can fix the other stuff afterwards, right?

Thank you for letting me share my story. I still have a lot more to go through concerning if he goes to trial, but I know I'll be strong and SURVIVE.

Krisa RuAnn


Living With A Step Dad And Step Brother

I am a 31 year old female and here is my story of what happened to me. Well when me and my 2 sisters were tiny little girls my mom and my real dad got a divorce. And maybe like 6 months later my mom met this man and his son, and my mom married that man. And so he became our step dad and step brother.

Well this is what I remember of the rape. It was winter time I was like 8 or 9 years old, I don't know where my 2 sisters were, but I remember my mom and my ex step brother walking to the store and my ex step dad raped me while they were gone next thing I remember is sitting on the bathroom floor in a big puddle of blood. And when my mom and ex step brother got home my mom came in the bathroom and saw me there she didn't do anything about it, she was too scared of my ex-step dad. In stead of calling the police, my mom stayed married to him for 7 horrible years. He used to move us around a lot and we used to have to start new schools all the time. He continued having sex with me all the time they stayed married. Even my ex step brother had sex with me as well.

I remember my ex step dad moved us to this farm, and there were no house there or nothing, and my ex step dad bought this trailer that you hitch onto the back of a truck a 1 room thing. It didn't have any electric or water or anything. We had to go to school without having a bath, without clean clothes, he used to beat on me and my 2 sisters and my mom all the time. We were so scared of him. One day me and my 2 sisters were on our top bunk and I guess he thought I looked at him funny or something he came over to me and punched me in my belly as hard as he could, I passed out, my mom says my face turned black, I almost died. Also I remember being outside on our farm, I don't remember why or what happened, but I remember my ex step dad picking me up over his head and throwing me on the ground.We used to have to actually work hard on that farm, I had to chop trees down with a ax.

I remember my ex step dad asking all of us if we wanted them to get a divorce, this was like the 7th year they were married so I was tired of him and his son, so something inside of me made me brave (I think it was God). I remember saying I want y'all to get a divorce. So the next day we all went downtown and in a lawyers office and they started the divorce. And after the divorce was final he moved me and my 2 sisters and my mom too the city and so it was just me and my 2 sisters and my mom living together finally. We were finally happy. So there you go that's my story. If you would like to email me and talk about your story, Id be glad to listen my email address is mebonnie@bellsouth.net.

I would also like to add this, If you are getting abused, you need to please tell someone, so you can get the help that you need, so that you can get out of this abuse. There are lots of people you can go too, a teacher at school, a family member that you trust So please take it from me, tell someone, and do it as fast as you can. I don't want anyone to go through what me and my 2 sisters and my mom went through. Thanks for reading my story. Id like to give the names of these 2 MANIACS! So you all can stay away from them, the dads name is James Hall, the son's name is James Jeffrey Hall, if you see these 2 stay away please!

Bonnie M.

website = http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Flats/5236

icq = 6687905


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