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Survivor Stories

It was the summer of 1998. I was walking to my friend's dorm for a party. It was her birthday. There were a few guys there, one was kind of cute, so I walked over and began talking to him. We got to know each other and nothing seemed wrong at the time.

Later that week, we met in the halls and he asked me to come over to his dorm. I agreed, though I don't know why I did. When we got there, no one was in the room except us. He locked the door to his bedroom and threw me on his bed. He stared to undress right in front of me. I tried to run away, but he threw me right back down. Then he started to undress me, shirt, jeans, panties, and then my bra. I could see his penis, he made me feel him having an erection. He made me touch him.

I could tell that he wanted sex, even though he hadn't shown it at the party. Then he put on a condom (I'm thankful for that) and stuffed it inside of me, all the while me screaming for him to stop. He put a knife to my throat and threatened me. He laid on top of me, making noises like, "yeah baby" and "come on" and "that's it." He started caressing my breasts, sucking my nipples. I gave up trying to fight him. He took it out, and I thought, thank god that's the end.

But it couldn't be, could it? He wasn't tired, he wanted more, he was having too much fun. Then there was a knock at the door. I was so thankful. But it was his roommate, and seeing what he was doing, began to undress also. Ben, the first boy, backed away, leaving me exposed. His roommate then lay on top of me, fondling my breasts, stuffing it in and out of me. I felt so used, so dirty, but there was nothing I could do to stop him. There were two of them, both much stronger than me.

Finally it was over. When they had both had their share of the fun, they let me get dressed and I walked back to my dorm. I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain. I thought that this had to be the end, but it wasn't. They kept coming back, to my dorm, and having sex with me. This went on about every other day for a week and a half. Then I reported it, anonymously, and I told my best friend. These guys were expelled, and my friend helped me to get the help I needed. I talked to my counselor, Jamie, and I am on my way to recovering. I still feel dirty and used, but I know that it's not my fault. Thank you for listening.

Anonymous


I have never really told anyone my story... bits and pieces yes but never the whole thing.

When I was about nine years old my cousin "Lil Earl" came to live with my family. Shortly there after his father got visitation rights. At first he would visit Lil Earl on the weekends or take him home with him. Then at some point I don't remember why, he babysat me and my brother and his son while my parents were away. That was the first time he touched me. It was never anything overt that others would have picked up on... first it started with him fondling me over the clothes while he pretended to check my reflexes... and moving on from there. Another of his favorites was when my brother and his son would be laying on the floor watching TV, I had to sit on the couch with a blanket over my lap so he could hide it a little easier. He always made veiled threats that he would hurt me and my family if I ever told. And I didn't until I was 12 years old. I don't know what made me do it but I told. The worst part was when my father said I was lying and I had to leave my home because my mother left him shortly there after.

I guess what happened to me really messed me up because I have not been able to ever tell a guy no. I have been in a few relationships since then... all of which I have slept with. Since I had feelings for these people I never considered it rape until this past Valentine's Day. A man that I met online came to visit me. I admit we talked a lot about sex but he also knew my history and that I was not planning on having sex again until I was married that is why it shocked and scared me so much when he started to force me to have sex with him. I told him no and I pushed him away... hell I even screamed... but he didn't listen... then after he was done he wanted to spend the night. I lost my voice and conviction, I couldn't find the strength to send him away. He stayed the entire weekend and by the time he actually left he had raped me six times. I didn't report it. I felt it was my fault. I am now in group counseling but have never told anyone about the second assault... not even my counselor. God I hope I find my voice soon!

Thanks for listening,

DanaJean

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I am not even sure where to begin. My freshman year at Duquesne University was when I was raped. I was raped by my ex-boyfriends best friend.

I was at a party, drinking, and a friend of mine was all over me, so I wanted to leave. He offered to walk me back to my dorm and since I knew him and trusted him, I left with him. He talked me into going for a walk around campus. He stopped walking and faced me when we were between two buildings on campus and he kissed me. It was fine with me, so I kissed him back. Everything was fine until he tried to go further and I told him no because I've never had sex before. He deliberately tripped me so I was on the ground.

That feeling of being helpless and out of control was horrible. I screamed, cried, and struggled to no avail. I even hit him at one point in time, however when he hit me back I realized that maybe I shouldn't hit him anymore. It hurt a whole hell of a lot more than when I hit him. I even begged him. And he raped me...it took me months to say that. Rape is such an ugly word and I had such a hard time saying it. He made me feel like it was my fault, because I let him kiss me and I left with him. I didn't tell anyone. I just went back to my dorm and took a nice long shower.

It took me months to tell my roommate and my best friend. I am currently in counseling which has helped tremendously and hopefully will continue to do so.

I see this guy everyday since we are in the same building (we have similar majors) and he has made my life a living hell. He talks to me, grabs me, asks me if I'd like to "fuck" and when I said "Fuck You!," he said "I believe we have already done that." It got to the point where he threatened me and left bruises, so I finally did something about it and I went to the police. I now have a retraining order against him. I still get phone calls from some of his friends and occasionally I hear about him, and of course I still see him, but at least I did something about it.

I still have a lot of unresolved feelings and guilt which I'm trying to work through and when I came across this web site, I realized that I'm not the only one. So, I just wanted to share my story and say that this web site was an excellent idea and it has helped me with my unresolved feelings and emotions concerned with rape. I did add a poem to your message board, it was the first one I wrote since I was raped and I wanted to share it with people:

Ignorance or Stupidity, which is the lesser of the two evils?
Stupidity can be a form of ignorance.
Ignorantly unaware of the perilous elements of life
A mind is suffering, from the worst kind of solitude
A heart is ruthlessly and carelessly broke into two
A body is abused with no thought or care of the horrendous effect
A naive mind is shattered of preconceived notions
This unbearable pain rips through to the wounded soul
The innocence taken-from the mind, the body, and the eternal soul.

Sincerely,

Keri


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