My Story | Survivor Stories | Male Survivors | Resources
Safety Tips | Speaking Out | Triggering Media | The Wall
Distractions | Poetry | Guilt and Shame | Anger | Statistics
Physical Aftermath | Emotional Aftermath | Tori Amos
Relationships | Quotations | PTSD | Medications | FAQ
Books | RAINN | Articles | Message Board | Chat Room
Search Engine | Banner Exchange | Link Banners
Guestbook | Email



Survivor Stories

On April 28th, 1975 a 26 yr old amateur pilot and airplane mechanic crawled out from under the plane he was working on to see a 15 yr old blonde girl looking at him. Exactly a yr later to the day, they got married. Three years later on March 19, 1979 a baby girl was born (me) a product of the love affair.

My first vivid memory is when I was 5 yrs old. My parents were having a knock down drag out screaming match. Actually, my father was doing most of the screaming. I remember sitting on the piano seat crying and watching my father hit and push my mother around. All of a sudden he notices me sitting there and picks me up and throws me in my room. I open my door and look out into the living room in time to see my father throw the coffee table at my mother. Actually picked it up and threw it at her. To this day he denies this fight ever happened even though he also cut his hand so severely on a wine glass that he severed a nerve and had to have micro-surgery in attempt to repair it.

Is it no wonder always remember being afraid of my father?

When I was 10 my best friend (at the time) and I began playing sex games with each other, which I enjoyed and still remember fondly, although it put me in an identity tailspin for the next several years.

When I was 12 my mother was hospitalized for depression. One Saturday evening while she was in the hospital my father and I were enjoying a rare father-daughter moment of play-wrestling on the floor. My father reached under my shirt to tickle my armpits and started fondling my breast instead. I told him he was a little off-base and he stopped for the moment. Five minutes later I went to take a shower to get ready to visit my mother when he forced he was into the bathroom (which had no doorknob) and tried to force my shirt off. I told him no and we argued for a few minutes. I won but he made me promise not to tell my mother and left the room. That night at the hospital when my father left to go have a cigarette I told my mom what he did and asked her if that was wrong. She freaked out and told the nurses on the floor. The next day a case worker from Children and Family services came by and took me to my grandparents where I stayed (court-ordered) for the next nine months. We all received counseling and the courts decided it was safe for me to go back home. I was 13. We continued counseling for another year. Then the case-worker and our counselors said we didn't need it anymore.

I was 14 when I was living with my grandparents I started volunteering at a local hospital and I continued this for the next 4 yrs. While I was there I met 3 people who made a difference in my life. 2 were bad and 1 was good (although his boss and mine thought it was bad, go figure) The first was a boy my own age with whom I had a sexual relationship with off and on for the next 5 yrs. I'll call him "David" Several times when we had sex I didn't really want to but I did it anyhow. I never said no, just sort of hedged. When I was 17 we stopped seeing each other for over a year. Then one day I called him up and found out he was having a graduation/birthday party and he invited me. I went. Why? Who knows? That day (even though he had a girlfriend with him at the party) he begged me to get back together with him. I said I'd think about it and we got together several times and had sex a few more times before I decided it wasn't going to work again. I came over to his house to tell him (with the promise that his little sister would be there, she wasn't)I got there and realized she wasn't there and asked where she was. He said "oh, I sent her to a friends house" uh huh. I tried to tell him about my decision and he decided to rape me. I said no but I couldn't struggle as he was 6'4" and I was a measly 5'2" I never even considered it a rape until a few months later when I met my future husband.

During my one of my off-times with "David" when I was 15 I started secretly seeing a 35 yr old man who had a history of beating women and stalking. We didn't do much more than kiss and talk on the phone (although the talks got rather sexual) but I got scared after a while and stopped calling him. I knew of his history. That is why I stopped contact. He continued to send me birthday and Christmas cards for the next couple of yrs which really scared me as several of them he sent from prison (he was in for stalking). I haven't heard anything from him for several yrs now but I maintain an unlisted phone number and take other pre-cautions as well as a result. I am terrified he is going to come back and get me.

When I was 14 right before a school assembly a very popular boy asked if he could sit with me during the assembly. Not being well-liked by my peers (to this day I still don't know why) I said yes. I figured if he became my boyfriend, the other kids would have to start liking me. During the assembly (the lights were out) he opened my pants and stuck 2 fingers in my vagina while with his other hand opened his pants and put my hand on his penis. We sat there like that the whole assembly. He with fingers in my vagina and me rubbing his penis. I thought this meant we had a relationship. The next day at lunch I told everyone at my table that "Bobby" was my boyfriend. I thought so. If he didn't love me why did he do that? They told me to prove it and after lunch I went up to kiss him. He ran away from me laughing and told everyone he had sex with me, that he used me and everyone laughed and said way to go "bobby" According to my sources (I sound like a journalist) he never had any intention of forming a relationship with me. He just used me for momentary pleasure and every kid at school admired him for it.

All these yrs between 13 and almost 16 I was terrified my father would touch me again and maybe even worse this time. He did. One month before I turned 16 I got a part on the school play. This meant that 4 nights a week my father had to drive me to and from rehearsals. During the drives he started putting his hand on my thigh while he was driving. It got higher and higher till eventually it basically rested on my crotch outside of my pants. It stayed this way for a couple of months. That summer I got my learners permit and started to learn how to drive. Being summer I was wearing shorts. Even while I was learning how to drive (requiring utmost concentration) the hand stayed on my crotch and slowly worked it's way under my shorts and underwear into my vagina. This continued for a couple months (most of the summer) one afternoon in early August my father took me to a secluded spot by the river and asked me how I felt. I told him the honest truth. that I hated it. He was genuinely surprised. he thought that because I hadn't said anything that I wanted it. I told him I was afraid of him. He asked me "isn't it normal to want a beautiful young woman?" I said yes, if she isn't your daughter. He promised he wouldn't do it again, that he'd shoot himself first. For the next week he kept his hands off. Then a miracle happened. A very trusted good friend ( the 3rd person I met at the hospital, I'll call him "Ron") reported what I told him about the abuse to the authorities and a case worker showed up at my house. I was at band camp and my mom had to come get me (was only a day camp) asked me if it were true. Finally I had a way to tell. I said yes. We stayed with my grandparents that weekend and on Monday obtained a restraining order. I have not seen my father since except for court and he did receive a prison sentence. He served 2 and a half yrs of work release (getting out during the day to work) so he could still support me and my mother as we had almost no earning potential between the 2 of us.

Obviously life has not been a bed of roses since my father was arrested as my rape occurred 2 yrs after that but things are getting better. I met my husband just over a month after I was raped by "David" We dated (and were almost inseparable) for a little over a year and on Nov 14, 1998 we got married. A very simple ceremony as we were both still college students. Since then my husband has re-enlisted in the US Army (he had been discharged when we met) and we are now currently serving a 3 year tour in Texas. Our relationship is wonderful although our finances could be better.(who's couldn't?)I still have issues although I am doing much better. I have frequent nightmares, insomnia and have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (not psychological in origin) I have good days and bad days but mostly good days now. Anyone who wishes to can e-mail me or ICQ me.

Sunnie

icq = 39716973


I dunno how i could've been so stupid....i really thought that i was smart enough, let alone strong enough to avoid this situation...

the night of my sixteenth birthday, instead of having a party, i went out with my friends, of course we drank, i don't get drunk easily and we didn't drink half enough to get me drunk...but soon i started feeling kinda weird, i felt really sick...and like i was high, walking in the air and somehow we got home, my friends left...including my girlfriend and her boyfriend...

but he came back, he said he left something in my room and then he said something to me about how i didn't look good and we should go for a walk... we went down to this beach...right down the road from my house, by then i was feeling really really weird, i had no idea what was going on and i fell...

he jumped down and looked worried and then he unbuttoned my shirt and started kissing me and i couldn't move, i didn't even realize it was happening, i couldn't put two and two together i remember him telling me to be quiet because he was gonna make me feel better...i felt a lot of pain, but i didn't know what it was and soon, he was standing up, telling me to get up...i started to walk and i fell again, he yelled at me to get up so i tried my hardest to walk, i got home and went right to bed.

when i woke up, i saw that my pants were covered in blood...and i knew it wasn't right because i had just finished my period...i felt really sore and then i discovered bruises, on my thighs and chest, then, i realized what had happened...my drink must've gotten spiked or something and he raped me...my friend raped me...

i don't talk to my girlfriend, i can't...i feel so guilty and i don't want her to be mad at me, i haven't told anyone but some people look at me weird now, i feel horrible, I'm not pregnant, but I'm having a really really terrible time...

Maureen


This is very hard for me. It's been 17 years and I still have nightmares and memories pop up.

I was 13 and he was a friend of a friend whom I had a crush on. He was someone I trusted and at 13 thought I "loved". It was early summer, school just let out. I was walking to the store for something for my mother. He came up behind me and ask me to walk with him to see something he found. I did(first mistake).

We walked back in to the woods behind the baseball fields. I was two paces behind him. I remember him all of a sudden being behind me. I turned to face him. He grabbed me and pushed me down to the ground and removed my shorts and panties. He pulled my shirt over my head and trapped my arms. He held my arms over my head with one hand and used his other to hurt me. I remember trying to fight him and getting slapped. He was raping me. I felt him inside me. I was a virgin.

I remember the pain and the sick feeling I go. I screamed and he started choking me....I passed out. When I came to he was in the last moments of his act. He never pulled out of me. I felt my body responding to what was going on. I had my first orgasm with my rapist. I've just remembered that in the past two days. When he was done, he just walked away. Didn't say anything, and didn't look back. I got dressed and went to the store. His friend(mine too) asked if I was ok. I told him yes, and started home. I saw him as I walked out the door and he just smiled.

I went home. My parents didn't even notice. I took my shower that night and tried to get him off of me. I tried to kill myself two weeks later. And for the past 17 years have used food and booze as an escape. I've been married twice, divorced twice. I first remembered being raped when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I have never dealt with what happened to me. But I have to now because my daughter has been a victim and a survivor. I need to deal with what happened to me in order to help her. Being raped at 13 was not the last time I would be a victim. My first husband raped me too. But that's a different story. My rape at 13 is what started my problems.

I need people who have been where I am now. I still feel him on me. I still feel ashamed and dirty. I want to have a normal relationship with a man. I've had two very sick relationships and don't want that anymore.

Elaine

icq = 53862237

im = on Yahoo: lildixiebabe69


Tell your story.


[Page 1 | Page 2 | Page 3 | Page 4 | Page 5 | Page 6 | Page 7 | Page 8 | Page 9 | Page 10 | Page 11 | Page 12 | Page 13 | Page 14 | Page 15 | Page 16 | Page 17 | Page 18 | Page 19 | Page 20 | Page 21 | Page 22 | Page 23 | Page 24 | Page 25 | Page 26 | Page 27 | Page 28 | Page 29 | Page 30 | Page 31 | Page 32 | Page 33 | Page 34 | Page 35 | Page 36 | Page 37 | Page 38 | Page 39 | Page 40 | Page 41 | Page 42 | Page 43 | Page 44 | Page 45 | Page 46 | Page 47 | Page 48 | Page 49 | Page 50 | Page 51 | Page 52 | Page 53 | Page 54 | Page 55 | Page 56 | Page 57 | Page 58 | Page 59 | Page 60 | Page 61 | Page 62 | Page 63 | Page 64 | Page 65 | Page 66 | Page 67 | Page 68 | Page 69 | Page 70 | Page 71 | Page 72 | Page 73 | Page 74 | Page 75 | Page 76 | Page 77 | Page 78 | Page 79 | Page 80 | Page 81 | Page 82 | Page 83 | Page 84 | Page 85 | Page 86 | Page 87 | Page 88 | Page 89 | Page 90 | Page 91 | Page 92 | Page 93 | Page 94 | Page 95 | Page 96 | Page 97 | Page 98 | Page 99 | Page 100 | Page 101 | Page 102 | Page 103 | Page 104 | Page 105 | Page 106 | Page 107 | Page 108 | Page 109 | Page 110 | Page 111 | Page 112 | Page 113 | Page 114 | Page 115 | Page 116 | Page 117 | Page 118 | Page 119 | Page 120 | Page 121 | Page 122 | Page 123 | Page 124 | Page 125 | Page 126 | Page 127 | Page 128 | Page 129 | Page 130 | Page 131 | Page 132 | Page 133 | Page 134 | Page 135 | Page 136 | Page 137 | Page 138 | Page 139 | Page 140 | Page 141 | Page 142 | Page 143 | Page 144 | Page 145 | Page 146 | Page 147 | Page 148 | Page 149 | Page 150 | Page 151 | Page 152 | Page 153 | Page 154 | Page 155 | Page 156 | Page 157 | Page 158 | Page 159 | Page 160 | Page 161 | Page 162 | Page 163 | Page 164 | Page 165 | Page 166 | Page 167 | Page 168 | Page 169 | Page 170 | Page 171 | Page 172 | Page 173 | Page 174 | Page 175 | Page 176 | Page 177 | Page 178 | Page 179 | Page 180 | Page 181 | Page 182 | Page 183 | Page 184 | Page 185 | Page 186 | Page 187]


To view the next page of stories click the image
below or use the links above to select a page.