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Survivor Stories

My story begins when I was twelve...

I went to Kenai on a camping trip with a family friend we'll call her *June* June invited a male friend of 20 *Steve* *June was like 50 so he was just a friend* we drove all the way so he sat in the backseat with me *another woman was in the front* when we were about an hour away *its a 12 hour drive* we stopped for some air...*Steve* asked me to go on a walk with I went...we walked down the road a little ways then turned down a trail into a small area of flowers...he told me the flowers were beautiful but I was more beautiful and then he kissed me...I was twelve, my first kiss...

Afterwards we went back and continued to kenai...when we got there, he didn't have a tent so I let him stay in mine...that night I was really tired and he started kissing me and trying to make out with me. I agreed to this for a little while but then I was to tired to keep doing it, so I asked him if I could go to sleep...he said no and got completely on top of me...I told him I wanted to go to sleep and didn't want to keep doing this...

He pulled his knife out of the sleeve *It was attached to his belt in the back* and put it against my side *It did cut me* and told me to be quiet and do what he said he started to take off my clothes and I told him to stop, I wanted to go to sleep, he started getting rougher and ripping off my clothes while I was feebly trying to fight, I was tired and 8 years younger, when he got my clothes off he raped me.

I didn't understand what had happened just that I was in SEVERE pain. I decided that it was something men did. Had sex with whoever they wanted whenever they wanted and since I was a girl there was nothing I could do about it. The rest of the trip went normal except on the drive home...I was sleeping most of the time, but from time to time I would wake up to his hand down my pants fingering me...I had blocked this out of my memory till about a year ago.

*I am 18 now* I have not seen him since...but when I was 14 I got into a relationship with a 21 year old guy we will call *Sam* Sam had a friend called *Tim* Tim and Sam were both extremely abusive...they would beat me and rape me constantly...I was very depressed and suicidal and missed most of my ninth grade year in school. For 7 months I was with *Sam* beaten and raped almost everyday, until eventually I moved out of state to live with my dad...

I am now back in Alaska and I see him every once in a while but he hasn't seen me...I am in a loving relationship with someone who takes care of me and helps me in my flashbacks. I just want to let everyone know that no matter when this happened to you, or whether you are with someone now who loves you, there are people out there who can and will care!! I am one of them. I don't have enough room here to tell everything that happened to me but I would if I thought it would help someone...just one person I would...if you need someone, or just to talk...write me...please...ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...Nor mine...*I learned this from my fiancée* She is right...its not my fault...tell yourself that everyday...



First off I would like to say please be patient with me. This is very difficult for me because I don't like to speak about it.

I was 16 at the time and playing way out of my league. All of my friends have been older and I've never had a boyfriend my own age.

At this point I was dating a guy named Charlie who lived in a town near me. He was 23 and shared a mobile home with two other guys Dwuane and Brian. Well, the day of the rape a friend of mine, her boyfriend and myself went to Charlie's house to help celebrate Brian's 21st birthday. I knew of course there would be drinking and loud music, but it didn't worry me any. Besides Charlie had told me to be there and I generally didn't fight with him because he had the tendency to beat me until I gave in. It was just easier to give in the fight and cover it up.

Anyway, the three of us got to Charlie's house about 9:30 in the evening and walked into the normal teenage drinking party. There was just a bunch of people and a whole lot of alcohol. Charlie got me a very large drink (jim beam and pepsi). He must have mixed it 2/3 jim to 1/3 pepsi because I could hardly drink it. Anyway shortly into the party my friend and her boyfriend got into a fight and they left. Please note that they were my ride. I didn't worry about it because Charlie had said he'd take me home in the morning. Cool an all night party!

Very cool indeed I guess. It must have been 11 when Charlie decided he needed to get a hit of pot. So he left and went to get wasted. When he came back I told him how upset I was about him going out and drugging. Well he didn't care much about me being upset only that he wanted to "get some of my tight ass" as he would put it. I told him no and went into his room to go to bed. I look back now and wonder what in the world I was thinking. I guess I never would have thought he would be capable of hurting me. Okay you ask why. I don't know even to this day what was going through my mind. I'm just pretty damned stupid I guess.

Anyway, after he had sex with me I got up and went back to the party. Trying to surround myself with people thinking that would make me feel safe. One of the guys at the party shouted shortly after I came back to the party "Hey Charlie, she's so hot why don't you share her"? Share her he did!

He took me by the back of the neck and tied me to the coffee table sitting in the middle of his living room. I'll never forget his words "Okay you all want her go for it." Oh my god I thought what in the hell is he doing? He must be joking. So much went through my mind at that time. I asked, I begged, I pleaded, but nothing. It was me tied to the coffee table.

Those men used everything on and in me. Several gagged me with their penises and others just masturbated on me. Anal, Oral, Vaginal, every place a person could imagine and then some. I thought I was dreaming. At one point I remember passing out, but I awoke to a sharp pain on my breasts. One of the guys had decided that my breasts would be a good place to put out his cigarette.

Brian came in the room after I counted the 35th guy ejaculated and said "okay she's had enough I'm taking her home." And you know what that's exactly what he did. He untied me and I got my clothes on as fast as my beaten body could go. He took me home and we never spoke a word about what had happened that night.

I have so many questions for him. Why was 25 enough, but one wasn't. Why did it have to start? Mostly I want the question why answered.

I have now been with my best friend and now boyfriend for 4 years. (we started dating about 5 months after) I just opened up to him in June of 1999. He now realizes how I feel, but he'll never really understand or be able to comprehend what happened to me. He doesn't know how to react when we are "together" and I cry.

It is so hard for me to explain and sometimes I like the fact that I have to explain. I just want him to know. Wait no I don't want to have to explain and I don't want it to have happened.

I have suffered a miscarriage linked directly to the rape and abuse. For that I can never forgive Charlie or the men who did this to me, but I will not let it run my life either!

Rachel Leigh

I don't know which story to tell. I'm 17 years old, almost 18. I was raped when I was 15. By a "friend," he was 22.

It was August 23rd. My parents were out of town, my sisters had all moved out, one of my brothers was working other brother was supposed to pick me up from work that night. I closed at 9pm. I called and called, no answer. I went to my "friends" work, which was near by. He got off work at 11pm. I called and waited, and talked with my "friend" in between calls. No one ever answered. My "friend" said that he'd take me home. I trusted him and agreed. Instead of turning left on the highway towards my house, he turned right, towards town. He eased my mind by saying that he wanted to show me his house, and wanted me to meet his roommate. I was 15, young, naive, too trusting.

We got there, we watched some TV, and began kissing. He picked me up, and took me to his room. With every piece of clothing taken off, I stopped him, and he said, "I'm just going to..." it all seemed okay. But when I was laid down on the wasn't okay anymore. I tried to push him off, I moved across the bed, and he'd just pull me back. I tried so hard. I said "stop" and "no." I was no longer a virgin. He stole it. It was so important to me, and he stole it.

We got there, we watched some TV, and began kissing. He picked me up, and took me to his room. With every piece of clothing taken off, I stopped him, and he said, "I'm just going to..." it all seemed okay. But when I was laid down on the wasn't okay anymore. I tried to push him off, I moved across the bed, and he'd just pull me back. I tried so hard. I said "stop" and "no." I was no longer a virgin. He stole it. It was so important to me, and he stole it.

He drove me brother had turned the ringer off the he could have a party and have sex with a girl he'd wanted for a long time. He didn't believe me, because my "friend" was good-looking, and every girl wanted him. I was called a whore for a month by my brother. Until my other brother found out and realized the serious situation. One brother still doesn't believe me.

My "friend" tried to keep in contact after that, he was hung up on every time he'd call, and I had someone else serve him and say I was ill when he came to my work. I never pressed charges of rape, or statutory rape. I don't know why I didn't. I see his face every day, I hear his voice every day. I re-live it every day.

I always told myself it would be different if I was ever in that position again. I'd know how to fight against it...which brings me to story number two, which happened just last night, and what inspired me to seek out a support of some kind.

I was not raped again, this would fall under the category of sexual assault, but was just as devastating. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago today. We went to a movie last night, and came to my house, as friends, and drank a little beer. I woke up in the middle of the night with my ex (who had passed out on the couch) laying on my bed beside me with his hands all over me, up my shirt, down my pants. I froze in shock. I told him to stop...he then rolled over and pretended to pass out. I thought it safe to stay awake for a bit. When he thought I was sleeping again, he rolled back over and started to do it again, I didn't know what to do, I'd move every time he'd start to do something, but then he grabbed my hand and shoved it down his pants, and when I tried to move it, he held it there. I suppose he got tired of it eventually...and he went to sleep, he left the next morning after I left for school. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I just should have known what was going to happen. I should have seen it coming. I'm now in my house, locked up tight...afraid of leaving, afraid of what this guy might do...he is currently on probation for assault with a deadly weapon. Not a very good bed-time pill. I'm terrified. I didn't know that he was on probation until after we broke up. I didn't know a lot of things about him that I know now. I don't even want to leave my house, and my family is out of town until tomorrow night.

I pray to God that this doesn't happen to anyone else, it seems inevitable, but God help us, this is too much to take.

God Bless you all,


im: chaynah

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