Hi, I've never done something like this. I was raped when I was 19 by my brother. He has had a lot of drug problems and was kicked out of my parents house when they found him using drugs. He went to my grandparents house, where I was living and of course they took him in. He made my life miserable. He stole food I bought, jewlery my mom bought for me, all kinds of things. Finally, he was pissed off at me for some reason and one hot summer day with my grandfather sitting just outside, he and I got into a physical fight that ended up with him raping me. I had never felt such pain and shame in my life. After the first time, it became something he thought he could do all the time. The sad thing is I let him. And I ended up pregnant. I couldnt believe it...I had an abortion. It was terrible.
When I tried to tell my best friend at the time, what was going on with me, she literally covered her ears and said she didn't want to hear it. Believing that I was to blame, that somehow I had caused it, I never said anything to anyone until years later. I've avoided family gatherings for a long time, and I havent really spoken to him since. My mom was not supportive really. She asked me why I didnt fight back. She's better now, but we had a difficult time at first. He's been arrested for domestic violence several times. I have a wonderful group of friends now, and I've been in therapy, which helped so much. I'm also an advocate now for rape victims (of course) and I have a wonderful boyfriend who has been very kind and understanding. I hope this helps other women to know that they are not alone in their pain, and that they too can overcome the shadows.
Incest. It is such a disgusting word. But it is what happened to me. When I was ten my uncle came to stay with us for Christmas. I loved attention like any other ten year old. So when he wanted to spend time with me I thought it was great.
At first he would just put his hand on my leg. Then a little further up on my thigh. Then he would be rubbing my genitals through my jeans. That was the first Christmas. He came to visit us for two or three weeks every Christmas from then on.
I try not to remember specific incidents because there were so many. He would grab me and hug me in front of my mother and step-father and I would flinch. But no one knew why. I always ran away from him and got terrible stomach aches over Christmas break. No one knew why I always got sick at Christmas. After six years it had progressed to rape. As if forcing me to kiss him, rubbing my genitals, and shoving his penis in my mouth hadn't been enough.
My parents were never more than two or three rooms away most of the times anything would happen. But they still had no idea. I never screamed, I never yelled. I was scared. And now I am scarred. When I was 16 he moved to our town. He came over every weekend to hang out with my parents. I still ran away every time he came near me. At least with him living in town he wouldn't be spending the night in our house and the sexual abuse stopped. The mental and emotional abuse will always continue.
When I was 18 I told my parents. It was the day of our family Thanksgiving. My mother and step father started crying. They actually debated whether to call the police or not. They did after about twenty minutes.
I am glad to say that he is now in jail. After 8 of the longest months of my life he is in jail. That is how long the whole judicial process took even though he admitted his guilt the very first day the cops came to him. Unfortunatly his first chance for parole is June 8th 2003. It's coming faster than I want it to.
And I am more scared than anyone will ever know.
I am not sure when things first started. I only have a few memories of what happened when I was a child. When I was about 4 or 5 I remember standing in my bedroom, there was a guy there, older. I was asked to take off my panties. That is all I remember. As a child I had a lot of problems with infection down there and was also very sexually active. I have known how to masturbate as far back as I can remember and was always 'playing' with the neighborhood boys. Never as far as intercourse, but a lot of oral and touching. I remember one incident when my frined locked me in his room and told me I could not leave until I tool off all my clothes and let him touch me. And arond the age of 8 I completely shut down to all males. I did not talk to guys at school or male family members. I would freeze up and become embarrased and flustered.
This went on until I was 16. I was finally being forced by friends to get out more. I was at a party and got really drunk. I ended up at this one guys house. We were sleeping in his basement when he took me into another room. He started kissing me and eventually put my hand down his pants. Then he took off my pants and his and forced his dick in. I bit my tongue and took it, as I do with everything else. I did not let it get to me and the next day I ignored the pain and laied in bed all day. The next week one of my close frineds asked me to come with him to go pick up a friend who needed a ride home from work. So I went. On the way I ended up drinking quite a bit of vodka. I blacked out and came to a few hours later puking in his toilet. He told me to take off all my clothing so that he could wash them and gave my a large t-shirt to wear. I put it on and crawled into bed with him. I dozed off but woke a few minutes later to him kissing me. I told him that I didn't want to do anything and that I was tired and wanted to sleep. He kept doing things and eventually turned me onto my back and got on top of me and started becoming a little more forceful. I told him to stop and started fighting. He was much bigger and easily pinned me down and eventually got his dick inside of me. The next morning he drove me home and I haven't talk to him since.
Since then thing took an interesting turn. Ever time I got into a situation where I thought the guy might want to have sex I would give it to him. Even if I didn't want to I would pretend like I did. I am only 18 now and have had sex with people that looking back on it disgusts me. I am in a lot of therapy now trying to get over this, and I have a really supportive boyfrind who has put up with my constant cheating over that last year with an understanding compasion, but also trying to get me to stop. It is amazing that he is still with me today, I think that I have cheated on him now about 11 times. I makes me sick thinging of the things that I have done and what has happened to me.