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Survivor Stories

Wow. Where to start. I'm a 16 year old junior in high school and I was molested when I was twelve and raped when I was 13 all the way up until I was 15. It's taking me a long time to be able to say that these things happened to me. For so long I blamed myself. As if somehow a 12 or 13 year old has the power to say no to an 18 year old.

At first I always thought it was something that I brought on myself. I let him do it. When he told me he loved me I believed him and I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Now I realize that I couldn't have known any better. He was the adult and should have known better. All of this went on for about 4 years. Those 4 years were the worst years of my life. I led a life of secrecy against family and friends. I was in constant fights with my mother trying to convince her that nothing was going on even though it was.

He had me brain washed. He loved me, I should be with him. He told me I would be his when I was 18 and that anyone else he was with was a cover up. I believed him. What else was I supposed to think? To make my long story shorter he met a girl but said he still loved me and came to me for sex. Then they got engaged and he still had sex with me telling me it wouldn't last with her and it was a cover up. Can you believe it, I believed him. Then he got her pregnant, and still came to me for sex. He broke my heart. After many times of saying I couldn't do this anymore we finally quit. I week later I ended up in a mental hospital for depression and suicide. I was in two other ones after that for a while. It hurts that he used and lied to me. I hate him for what he did to me and the fact that he denies it all now. I told my parents but they didn't care. There are so many other details but I don't have time. E-mail me if you'd like to know more. Thank you for this chance to share my story.

Autumn


I went to an all girls catholic high school so when it came to guys, I was very uneasy but naive as well. I was 17 yrs old when I went with 3 of my friends (Amy, Katie & Laura) to a local college to visit Amy's older brother, Brendan who was a Sophomore there. There was a bonfire keg party out in the woods & on our way there, Brendan told us to all stick together & be careful b/c not all the guys at the school could be trusted & there had been rapes there in the past. We all said that we would stay together &/or find him & his close friends if we felt we were in danger. He also told us not to walk back to the dorm by ourselves or w/someone we didn't know. We agreed.

My friends & I proceded to get very drunk as well as high. However, the blunt that we were smoking that I thought was just pot, was not. Amy & I kept saying that it felt weird going down our throats b/c we couldn't feel it & the guys who we were smoking it with us just kept handing it over & encouraging us to inhale some more. To this day, I still have no idea what it was that I smoked, but I have a good idea that the weed was laced w/either PCP or angel dust.

Amy & I walked further into the woods so that she could throw up. We went back to the bonfire & then she told me that she had to go again. I told her that I would go with her but she said that she would be right back. When Amy wasn't back in 10 mins I went looking for her & found her passed out. I picked her up even tho she wanted to stay there & brought her over to Brendan. He brought her back to his dorm room & put her to bed.

Not that long after, I started too to get sick. Katie was chatting it up w/some hot guy & I remembering not wanting to bother her & I couldn't find Laura. I went into the woods & fell to the ground. One of the guys that lived on Brendan's floor, Sean, (he had been one of the guys telling us to smoke more) came over, picked me up & rubbed my back as I let it out. He brought me back to where everyone was but quickly steered me towards the pathway that leads back to the dorms. At this point it becomes a bit blurry but I do remember telling Sean that I needed to inform one of my friends &/or Brendan where I was going. He said that Brendan wasn't even there & that my friends would be OK. He just kept saying, "You need to lie down. I have a nice comfy bed that you can lie on & I will take care of you." That sounded so very good to me & I was oblivious to anything else from that point on. I still have no idea how I made the entire trek back to the dorm. I think he carried me part of the way.

Once we got back to his room, Sean helped me onto his bed & brought a bucket to the side of it so that I would have something, just in case. I threw up at least 3 times in his room that night & also when I woke up the next day. When I was finally relaxed & when Sean could tell that I wasn't going to be sick anymore, he started making his moves on me. I couldn't even open my eyes but I could feel his hands taking off my pants. He said it was to make me comfortable since I hadn't brought my pajamas in his room. He started kissing me & my lips couldn't move. He was asking me questions but I don't remember what he was saying. All I can recall saying was that I wanted to go to bed & I was really tired & couldn't move or do anything. That didn't stop him. He pulled down my underwear & tried to enter me. He was pushing my legs apart & I know that it was tough for him b/c I was dead weight & not moving at all. I remember falling in & out of sleep within the time that he was trying to penetrate me. Everytime he was repositioning, I would fall asleep & everytime he was pushing hard into me, I was waking up & telling him that it hurt & I was tired. He asked me if I had ever had sex b4 b/c I was very tight & he kept telling me to relax. I didn't say anything b/c everytime I tried, no sound was coming out. That is the last that I can remember of the encounter b/c I passed out.

When I woke up, it was a couple hrs later & Sean was walking into the room with Brendan behind him. Brendan came over to the bed & told me that he & the girls were worried about me for the past 4 hrs b/c I didn't tell any1 where I was going. He said that he was glad that Sean was the one to bring me back. Before he left the room, he told me that he would leave his door unlocked so that I could get in. I started to get up from the bed & put on my pants. Sean just crashed on the bed & turned away from me. He didn't even say anything. I fell asleep in Brendan's room next to Amy & the next morning I didn't tell any1 about what had happenned in Sean's room b/c I didn't even know myself. I was hurting in the groin area but I wasn't bleeding too bad, so I thought that maybe he couldn't even get his penis in.

I also didn't even think of rape until a yr later when I started to question my own thoughts. I still didn't know if I was a virgin or not. I also thought that it couldn't have been rape b/c not once during the presumed intercourse, did I say the word "NO" & that is the 1 major thing that I had always associated with the crime. If you don't say "NO" than it's not rape. That's all I became focused on & I never told my parents about it. I did, however, tell 2 of my friends about a month b4 we graduated from highschool. They just sat & listened & didn't judge me in any way. They both agreed that he probably did rape me but I kept saying I wasn't sure b/c just 1 wk prior to telling them I had had sex with my prom date & it hurt like it was my 1st time. He asked me when we started if I was a virgin & I said yes. In between thrusts he kept asking me if I was OK b/c I was cringing so badly. He also said afterward that he could tell that I was a virgin b/c I bled on his penis. The morning after, I was in so much pain & I was bleeding so badly that it made me believe that Sean had never even gotten anywhere with me. My friends & I left it at that. We just thought he had taken advantage but not gotten all the way & that is why he didn't say anything to me b4 I had left, b/c he was embarrassed.

The next yr at college I was 18 turning 19 & I quickly made friends playing soccer. My roommate, Kim, was also on the soccer team & one of the guys on the men's team, Greg, a Sophomore, worshipped her. He was at our room a lot but she never agreed to go out with him or even kiss him for that matter. I became close friends w/Greg b/c of the fact that he spilled his guts to me about Kim all the time & told me how much he adored her & wanted her to like him back. He kept asking me what to do in the course of the season. Everyone knew that he liked her b/c he was all about her, he even sent her a dozen roses.

Most every guy on campus hated Greg w/a passion b/c Greg thought he was "God's gift to women" they said. Even most of his soccer team didn't like him b/c I went out w/one of the guys on it. His name was Marc. All the guys did was make fun of Greg & say he had no friends b/c he thought he was the toughest guy on campus & etc. I always stood up for him & told them that he wasn't that bad. They always said, "Alicia, look at who his friends are, he's only friends w/girls b/c no guys like him." I was w/Marc for about a month & then it started to fizzle b/c he had a roaming eye. I was really upset about it & figured that Greg could console me b/c he knew Marc & maybe if he was cheating on me.

I went over to the Greg's dorm w/another girl, Tracy & ran into Greg even b4 knocking on his door. Every1 was hanging out & playing video games in another room & they started getting rowdy. Most of the guys were drinking but Tracy & I only had 1 or 2. It got to be around 11:30 or so & Tracy said she was going to visit one of her friends on a different floor b4 heading back to the girls dorm. I told her I'd see her the next day, the dorm was just across the narrow street. There were 4 other guys besides Greg & they started wrestling & then pulled me into it as they hid my shoes & picked me up & locked me in the men's bathroom. When I was finally allowed to come out, Greg threw me over his shoulder, ran to his room & tossed me on his bed. I wanted my shoes back & he went & got them in a different room for me. Our friend, Ben, was the last one to see us alone b4 he said he was tired & came in the room to say goodnite to me as Greg sat on my back giving me a massage. This wasn't anything to write home about, everyone knew we were friends & we gave each other massages all the time. After he was done we started tickling each other & he took my room key away from me & hid it. I kept asking him for it back & he said it was late & I was staying over his room. I really didn't want to sleep over b/c I didn't want any1 to see me leaving his room in the morning b/c the rumors always flew at that school seeing as it was so small. He insisted upon it & told me that there was no way around it b/c I wouldn't be able to get into the dorm w/out my key. I also couldn't call Kim to let me in b/c she always went to bed so early & got mad when I woke her up coming in late, nevermind if I called her to go downstairs & let me in the building (I had done it b4 after staying over Marc's real late & she told me not to do it anymore.) Greg was very persistant as he tossed me a pair of boxers & a t-shirt to wear to bed. I finally gave in looking for my keys & changed b4 I hopped into bed. He told me that his 1st class was @ 8 so he was setting his alarm for 7. I told him that my 1st class was at 10 so Greg said that after he got up, he would reset it for 8:30 so that I would have time to go back to the dorm & shower 1st.

We layed down & watched TV before I started to fall asleep. I woke up a 1/2 hr after I had dozed off to Greg kissing me on the cheek. I pretended that I was still asleep so that maybe he would stop & I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed tell him to cut it out. He didn't & when I wouldn't wake up he started for my mouth. I thought to myself that I really wasn't interested in him ever b4 that but what harm would it be to kiss? So I started to kiss him back as he got on top of me. He was very heavy, his upper body was very muscular b/c he worked out a lot. We kissed for a little bit & then he started to push the boxers down. I was grabbing his hand & pulling them back up but he got more forceful & got them completely off. I didn't know what he was planning on doing until he started to take off his boxers as well & remove my panties. I said, "Greg, I don't think this is a good idea", just to let him down nicely. He said no one would find out if we both kept it a secret he wouldn't tell Marc & I wouldn't tell Kim b/c he still liked her & he knew I wanted Marc back. He said it was just as friends. I said I didn't want to do it with him & that it would screw up our friendship. Everytime I went to say something, he would put his finger up to my mouth as to shush me. Then he tried to get his penis into me. I closed my legs & told him that I didn't want it to go that far. He ignored me & thrusted them open & pinned me down. I was pushing his chest with my hands & arms & all my might at this point & screaming "NO! Greg NO! Stop! NO!" I was saying it louder & louder the more he wouldn't listen to me. I kept saying, "Did you hear me? I said NO!" He finally became fed up with my fits so much that he reached over to the TV, still holding me down & turned the volume up to the max level. He held my arms down with his hands & pushed into me harder & harder. He was so big & it hurt so badly probably b/c I was tense as well. I kept moving my pelvis away so that he couldn't get in all the way & it was getting him so aggrivated, he told me in my ear to just relax & let it happen. I was telling him that it hurt & to please stop b/c I didn't want to do it. He covered my mouth with one of his hands & that is when I gave up my fight. I was useless resisting him, he was just hurting me more. I lay there looking at the ceiling just wishing it would all end so that I could stop crying. Once he finished, he hugged me & said he was sorry & didn't want me to cry. He got up & gave me tissues, he hugged me & kissed my cheeks & said he was sorry he hurt me, he didn't know it hurt so badly & if I would have just eased up it would have gone in better. He put the panties & boxers back on me & then cuddled up next to me & held me as he rubbed my back to sleep.

I woke up to Greg saying that he was going to class & he set the alarm for me & put my keys on his desk. After he had been safely gone for 10 mins or so, I turned off his alarm & left his room in a hurry. I walked behind the dorms to get to the girls one so that no1 would see me. I felt like crap, I felt dirty & used. When I got into my room, Kim had already left for class, the only thing I could think about at that time was to take a shower, so I took a long one to make myself feel better, cleaner. After I was done I went into my room & put on my pajamas before getting into bed. I just wanted to forget anything happened, I had such a horrible feeling in my stomach. I felt so ashamed of myself & embarassed. I slept the whole day & into the night & didn't go to soccer practice, I told Kim to tell coach that I was sick.

My friend, Mike came over to my room that night & could tell that something was wrong. I said I didn't know what was wrong & I wasn't sure what happened. He figured that someone had hurt me or I had gotten into a fight with Marc. He left my room to go visit his g/f, Sara upstairs & she came to my room after Mike told her that he was concerned. She urged me to tell her what the problem was. I then said I would only tell her if she promised not to tell any1, such as police, RA's, etc. She agreed. After I told her, she was so unsure of the right thing to do that she told Mike & he ran back over to our dorm. He came in my room & consoled me & then said I had to tell someone & couldn't let it go. He said they still could do tests on me for evidence & told me that he was going to the RA from his building just to ask what a girl should do in this type of situation. He promised not to give the RA my name. When he got the info, he came back & told me about it & then that Steve, the RA would really like to see who I was b/c Mike didn't tell him & Steve thought I should go & see him on my own. I went over to the boys dorm & up to Mike's room where we then told his roommate, Adam & then Marc found out, as well as a few of my other guy friends. They all wanted me to go & talk to Steve. I went down to Steve's room with Mike & Marc & told him the story.

In the next week, the school issued a restraining order for me on Greg. He was only to go to class, soccer & his dorm. I stayed in the boys dorm where Mike & Marc lived (Greg didn't live there). That is where Steve & the others involved in the case thought that I would be most safe & taken care of. I never went to class, I stopped going to practice. The school got a van to take me to an area hospital where I was checked out & tested. Also that week, 4 of my guy friends caught Greg in the staircase of my dorm & proceded to brush him aside. When he took a swing at one of them, they all took turns beating the crap out of him. This brought on a restraining order on them to stay away from his dorm & etc. The guys kept telling me that I should call my parents & the police...they thought bringing them in would help in my case as well as theirs now. I refused both. I couldn't tell my parents & I didn't want to get the police involved. I was so weak & scared of everything. I was already upset that the school knew.

Kim didn't believe me. B4 the case, she came to me & asked me to do the right thing b/c I was going to ruin Greg's career & chances at being MVP of the league for soccer. I told her that I was telling the truth & that I wasn't lying. She left saying, "You should be ashamed of yourself." I was.

The 2 college court dates came & went. We won, both my case & the guys case. Greg was kicked out of school, ordered to leave w/in 24 hrs after the trial was over.

Within the next few months, I was getting prank calls on my phone, my whole soccer team was different towards me, & Kim moved out. When she moved out, some of the girls on our soccer team helped her b/c she moved downstairs to a room with one of the other girls on our team. I was not in the room when they did it but when I got back, some of my perfumes were missing, some CDs & on a few of my pictures the girls had put mustaches on me & wrote "bitch" & "whore" over my head. They cut Kim out of every one. Katie was my only g/f the whole year. (She was also on the soccer team.) She moved in with me & was the only one who believed me besides the guys.

I ended up telling my parents in November when they came to one of my soccer games & I went home afterwards. They wanted to know why I didn't play the whole game b/c I was normally a starter. I told them that it was b/c I hadn't gone to many pratices so coach was benching me every other game now. They sighed & were like, "What are you failing? That is why you aren't playing, isn't it?" I remember the look of disappointment on their faces so much that I just had to come out with the truth. It was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to tell my parents in my whole life. Seeing my mom & dad cry & hug me & ask me why I didn't tell them sooner was horrible. They had just wished that they had been given the chance to be there with me throughout the whole thing & the court at college. They wished that I had told them. I wished that I had too. If I could go back, I would have done so many things different, obviously.

I am 24 now, it has been 6 yrs. I left that college my Sophomore yr & I have dated 1 guy since then. We just broke up 2 months ago but we were together for 4 yrs. It was tough at 1st to let guys in again...to trust them as I had b4. My ex, Brian, was so good with it all. I told him off the bat & he was great. He just wished that he could take it all away, the pain that I went thru...the torment from the girls at the school was the worst of all, especially my teammates. The 1st time that we had sex, it was fine. I didn't even think about my experience w/Greg at all b/c I was so comfortable w/Brian. But the 2nd time served up something different. Brian kind of pushed my arms back to take control of the action in a way & I freaked out & felt claustrophobic. I pushed against his chest real quick screaming, "NO!" & "Get off me!" He was good w/it, I don't know where it came from or why it happenned, but it has never happenned since. I think it all takes time.

I pray that other girls/women don't have to experience any of what so many of the girls/women at Escaping Hades already have. Thank you for reading. :o)

Alicia


I was raped twice. The first time was by my cousin. I was had just turned thirteen. I was a virgin. The day had begun normally. I had gone to visit my (girl)cousin, Nikki, and he, roni, was there at her house. At first he was just being playful. But the playfulness turned into touching. We were laying on Nikki`s bed when he asked me to follow him, he wanted to do something. I told him no, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me. I thought he was just playing but i was soon to find out that it was the exact opposite. He lead me into his room and shut the door. I turned around and asked him what he thought he was doing. He smiled, and shoved me onto the bed. I was so scared I did`nt know what to do. In my family this was simply unheard of. My aunt and grandmother were just a couple of rooms down. He proceeded to rip off my clothes while holding me down and he raped me. In less than 5 minutes my virginity was gone. He didn`t use a condom, but he didn`t finish. He was on ly in me long enough to be able to say so. It hurt, and it bleed. I was terrified. I didn`t tell anyone. Not for a long time.

The second time it happened it was my ex-boyfriend. He had called me in the middle of the night and was upset and wanted to come over. I had always been terrified of him, he is a very strong very violent person. I was spending the night at my grandmothers and he knew how to get it. He climbed in the window of my bedroom. I was already in bed. A first he sat on the edge of the bed. But before I knew what was happening, he was holding down with an anger I had never seen before. He covered my mouth with his hand and pinning me down with his legs, he began to rip my underware off. He entered finished and left. I still blame myself. I didn`t get pregnant. But I thought I was for a long time. I blame myself because I had made him mad by breaking up with him to go out with my, now, husband. whom he hated. He called me later laughing. He said "I told you I`d get you back. You don`t lie to me, break up with me and get away with it. I am still terrified of him to this day. That was one year ago. Now I am married and have a beautiful baby bo. But I still hurt. I can still feel both of them sometimes. For a long time I had a hard time having sex becuase it kept coming back. I am starting to heal now. but the pain will forever be there.

Porschea


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