Two days after my 16th birthday, I convinced my parents to let me go to a party. I had gotten my liscense the day before, and I was so happy to be drinving myself somewhere. I picked up a friend on the way, but she left the party early on in the evening. I had never been a big drinker, abd that night I had only 2 drinks. I don't know why the affected me the way they did, I gues there was something in one of them. I remeber being dizzy and going to stand by the door to get some fresh air... It was winter, and it was really cold out.
After that things got real blurry. I remeber waking up in the back seat of a truck, and I remember 2, maybe 3 guys. I tried to sit up and push them off me, but I couldn't move. I tried to scream, and I couldn't do that either. Bits and pieces of that night come back to me still, new things all the time....It was my first time. finally they left me there. It was the middle of winter in Canada, and it was so cold... I woke up naked from the waist down, and my shirt was torn. Honestly, I knew what had happened, but I denied it to myself, even then... I got up, dressed, and drove myself home.
My parents always waited up for me, but for some reason, this night they hadn't. I sat in the shower until the water ran cold, and cried. I threw out the shirt and underwear I was wearing.I washed my jeans. Tried to gt rid of the evidence. If I couldn't see any proof, it wasn't real. I wore clothes that covered up the bruises, and didn't tell anyone.
Took me years before I said anything to even my best friend. I lost the person I was before that night.Even now, I have tremndous mood swings, and I'm depressed a lot. I developed bulimia shortly after that.Thats still a problem that plauges me. It's not as bad as it once was, but it's there. For the first while aftr that, I avoided men at any cost... after a while, I started thinking that it didn't matter who I slept with, beacause I was already ruined forever. So I slept with a lot of people that didn't matter to me. and It didn't matter to me that I got no enjyment out of it, it was just a way to make others want me.I'm not as bad with that anymore. I still haven't had what I think a normal healthy relationship would be.I don't know if I ever will... A friend has been urging me to go for councelling, and I'm seriously thinking aout it.the idea of telling someone face to face terrifies me. What if they do! n't believe me? At least in here, there is no one that can see, me, and no one can judge me to my face....
i was raped when i was ten, by a stranger he got me over to his care then locked me inside and raped me, i didnt tell anyone at first though my momma sort of caught on, though she thought it was my father who had done it. i used to beat her whenever she would come near me, i refused to leave the house for over a year she had to get me to do school by corraspondance. i started to go out about a year or so later, he was out of my life at that time but not out of my head. when i was 13 he turned up again, grabbing me from the side walk dragging me into the car and raping me again, he told me how angry he was with me that i had started to have a life again, he thought that since i left the house it meant that i had forgotten about him, he kicked me from the car again after having his way with me.
i locked m self in the house again, but this time told my mom, we went through all the stuff with the police they made me leave the house and had police follow me out of uniform. he beat my dogs and would show up at my window in the middle of the night but by the time the police came he was already gone, he would break into peoples places and call me and just breathe on. the police stayed round more and he left me alone, but when i was 15 i got a job i felt it was time to move on though he grabbed me again though this time took me down a side street then raped me. i did not tell anyone about this third rape as my family had just moved on, i didn't think they could cope with him back in our lives. I am now 19 i have not left the house since the 3rd rape, he still shows up or sends flowers once a year on the same day that the first rape occoured.
i cannot move on from the past since the past is not over, i have no friends apart from my friends online, i do not comuninicate with the outside world. i am afraid that he will think i have gotten over this and that he will come for me again.
This is hard for me because this just happened recently and so much has come out of it. I haven't told anybody the story in full. I'm afraid of so much; afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of people not believing me, afraid of this never going away ... That's all I want is for this to go away.
I'm 17 years old and I never expected my life to turn out the way it did. The way it has become now. It doesn't make sense to me. It started with a harmless kiss when I dropped him off. I thought nothing of it and I didn't expect anything else to come out of it. I'd just thought he was cute and so I gave him a kiss. I saw him a few more times at the house where I was always at. That house was my home away from home, the place I felt so comfortable at. All my new friends were there.
One night, there was a huge rave. Blyss. Everyone was going and they were so excited. I was staying at the house with one of the other guys. He was a friend and now currently my boyfriend. We stayed up half the nite watching movies and then went to bed.
Six thirty in the morning. Everyone came home, still rolling on Extacy, and god only knows what else. They came in, screaming and yelling and jumping all over me. Six thirty in the morning and I'm getting woken up?? Of course I'm pissed as hell. So I grabbed a blanket and went into the living room and laid on the couch. They were all in the room where we'd been sleeping.
Soon after, he followed me. He climbed onto the couch with me, even though it was a small small couch. He tried to put his hand down my pants. I wasn't having it, but I didn't want to make a scene, so I pulled my body away. Being a small couch, I couldn't go far. He kept trying. People kept going through the living room. I was yelling that I just wanted to sleep, SHUT UP!! So he whispers in my ear, "Go into the other room, it's quieter in there." I went. He followed.
He got onto the bed with me. He tried kissing on me again, putting his hand down my pants. I said, "I came in here to sleep." He said, "Sleep is for later," and didn't stop.
I just wanted to sleep. So I kissed him back, thinking maybe just a little kiss will make him go away. He didn't. He wouldn't stop. And then he got on top of me.
At first I thought, "maybe it's still just his fingers ... maybe it's just his fingers." But it hurt so bad I couldn't stand it and I just wanted to cry. I said, "NO SEX" and he said "OK." And then the pain just ripped me. I was a virgin, mind you.
I still thought that maybe it was just his fingers. And then he brought his arms out from under the blankets. He placed them up near my head, his elbows on my shoulders. I tried to move, I really did. I kept saying "no no no no no no no no no no no no no no" and he just thrusted. And thrusted.
There are so SO many things that I could have done differently. That I wish I HAD done differently so that ... yeah.
I got pregnant out of that. My worst nightmare came true ... and then he got me pregnant. I miscarried, thankfully. But I just can't ... it's so hard for me right now.
It's so hard to hear my boyfriend and friends blame themselves, saying they were in the next room and could have done something. But how could they have known?? I didn't yell. I should have. I should have yelled or something.
I don't know how to deal with myself and all of this. There was a BABY in me. I had something so valuable taken from me. I can't do anything about it.
I wish to god I could go to the police. But what then?? Go to court?! It would be my word vs. his. And people won't believe me. Why should they? I went back to the house where it happened after it did. He was always there. But I wanted to see my boyfriend. Who JUST found out about this. There's no more evidence. It will get my friends in trouble, my parents will wonder what we were doing in a house like that at seven o'clock in the morning. I don't know. It all seems so worthless now. It just won't go away.