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Survivor Stories

I was scared at first about writing this story for so many people to read. I started thinking, what if someone figures out it's me? Then I realized that he still controls me. You see, I still haven't told my family or authorities about my story.

My story is actually my childhood. My mother remarried when I was about 3. My step dad has been in my life for as long as I can remember. Everyone thought (well, still does think) he was such a great guy, coming along sweeping my mom off her feet and taking care of both of us. He's also a police officer, by the way. Truth is though, he molested me for about 10 years. The first I can remember is when I was about 9, he started touching me and saying inappropriate things. He tried to get me to watch porn with him too. He gradually worked his way up. His way with me was his power. I never had a chance to realize where inappropriate started. He had me conditioned - I was scared to tell, to betray him. When I was about 14, he started using objects to rape me; at 16, it was his penis. This abuse continued until I was 18. This was one of my lowest points. I was failing school-usually a straight 'A' student. I thought about suicide a lot. I ran away for a couple days. When he found me, he forced me back home. I confided in a teacher, but he never reported it. That was my only cry for help for a while.

At 18, I was at rock bottom. I don't know where my strength came from, but I confronted him. (The first and only time) I told him if he touched me again, I would kill him. I slept with a knife under my pillow until I moved out of that house. He denied ever raping me and said he didn't realize the other stuff bothered me. EXCUSE ME!? Anyway, I finally moved out on my 19th birthday. I couldn't trust anyone, had trouble being intimate, couldn't sleep, and when I did, it was filled with horrible dreams and excruiating pain; I had migraines, and also had trouble feeling safe in the shower - I would have to keep checking the bathroom to make sure I was alone. Then I started realizing what all of these things had in common. I knew then that getting out of that house was definately a good thing, but my troubles were only beginning.

I started my healing with baby steps, first checking out a stack of books from the library. Then, I worked up the courage to make an appointment with a counselor at school. She was a tremendous help! But, the school's center wasn't set up to do long-term work, so I found another counselor in a private practice. I can not tell you how helpful they have both been. I now am going to group therapy weekly and see my counselor every other week. I know I have a long way to go, but considering my step dad had almost 10 years to do his damage, I feel like I am progressing fine. (I'm 21 now) I think I would like to tell my mom one day. She still lives with him, so I still have to see him. I am not sure if she would believe me, and if she did, I don't know if she'd do anything about it. Hopefully, when I'm ready, she'll be supportive. For now, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a few close friends, my counselor, and my support group. I want to thank everyone else who had the courage to write there stories here. I also want to welcome anyone to email me.

Michelle


hey, well where should i start.. im 16 now, it happened when i was 15. my mom and i were having troubles (fighting alot) and she sent me to live with my dad (a man who hasnt cared about me since i was a baby) who lived 9-12 hours away. so i went there, started at a new school, pretty much a new life. well i went to this school and i was in grade 9 geography (sucked) i was in grade 10 tho. well i met "him" there. i was sitting next to Jillian whos grade 12. we were kidding around one Monday. (weird how i remember the day) and Matthew (him) was sitting infront of me. he turned around and was talking to us. Jillian and i were talking about how matt had no dick... well he stood up and was like want me to prove it? we're like no.. did we say that? and he finally gave up and sat down.

well he asked me for a piece of paper, so i was like whatever ok and gave him a piece. well he signed it and gave it back. i was like ok why'd you sign it.. and hes like cuz ima be a porn star someday. i was like yah whatever and i wrote on it in ur dreams, well he wrote back and said want me to prove it and i said no i didnt say that. and we talked for a bit on paper then he put meet me after school and i will show you. i was like ya whatever and didnt think anything of it. well then he wrote meet me after this class, and i said no cuz i gotta get to class. well then i got out of school early cuz i was good and i walked home, well he met me half way so i was like ok.. and we walked and talked. i knew no one would be home, so did he.

well we got home, i took my sweater off cuz it was hot. i sat on the couch and was minding my own business. he sat close to me and asked what i wanted to do, i turned the tv on and said watch tv. he slid closer and put his hand on my inner thigh and tried to kiss me. i was like UUUUUhhhh u have a girlfriend, hes like she'll never know. so i was like ya ok hes cute we'll just fool around. well then he wanted to finger me. i said no cuz i didnt want to go that far. (i was a virgin) and then i remembered i had to send my ex a msg over the computer so i said i will be right back (we had stopped for a few min) and i went in my brothers room to send it, and he came in and started kissing me again.

i got caught up in it, and before i knew it i was on the bed and he was ontop of me. i was like no way this is as far as its going. he took my pants n underwear off (i dont remmeber how) and i froze then he took his pants off. he slid his boxers down a bit so he could get "it" out.he begged me to give him head, i said no and no but eventually i put "it" in my mouth 3 times and gaged. well he went to stick it in me and i froze, i pushed "it" away and said No i dont want to do this, hes like we've gone this far, and i said No im not into this. and kept pushing "it" away. well i wasnt paying attention and he put it in fast and i froze then he went about his business. after he got dressed n sat on the couch, i went out on the couch and sat away from him. he slid close to me again and said we have time for another go...i said no we dont.

i didnt tell my dad for 2 days. i had to get the morning after pill because i could of gotten pregnant. my step mom only wanted to know where it happened.... good support system eh? well anyways i go to court to testify March 4 and im scared sh*tless. for a while i didnt know what to call it.. it didnt seem like rape because it couldnt happen to me type thing. thanks for reading my story, click on my name and email me sometime, i'd love to hear from you.

Nicole
im: PreciousNicole69


It has been 2 years since I was raped. I am 16 now and was 14 then. I was young, dumb and just always wanting to have fun. Thats usually how any 14 year old girl is. My best friend and I were bored on a Saturday night so we called one of our guy friends and asked him what he was doing that night. He told us he was meeting another one of our "supposed to be" guy friends at the mall and then going to a party with all of his friends. Well we caught a ride with him to the mall, and met up with the other guy. You see we lied to both of our parents to about where we really were going to be which was not smart, because if we would have told them the truth we never would have ended up in the situation I was put in. After meeting the guys at the mall, we all followed eachother to a place called "the pit", this group of people were not familiar to either of us, they were what most people call the "freaks" or the "punks". I didn't think anything of it, they were people, just like me. My friend and I had rode down there with one of our friends, and his friend, that I didn't know. He was a little intimidating, in my opinion. He asked us how old we were and I said 14, and my friend said 15. We asked him the same question and he replied with 22. At that point on I knew to avoid him.

They stopped to buy beer, and then we continued on to the party. I got there and it was strange because it was in the woods, with a bonfire, and strange people. I didn't really want to be there. I sat down and started drinking. It was my first time getting drunk so I got pretty trashed, and I noticed the guy who was 22, kept talking to me, and flirting with me. I told him to leave me alone, and he kept on. I had to go to the bathroom so I walked over to a place away from the rest of the people, and I ended up passing out in the weeds. My best friend came after me and told me to get up. I layed there, and then the guy came over there and started messing with me. He tried to undo my pants and he was going up my shirt. Luckily one of his friends, that I didn't know told him to quit. He did, but not for the rest of the night.

We left the party a little while after that, and come to find out I was staying at my friends house where he also lived. We were driving there, and I remember the whole way to his houde, in the backseat of the car, he was rubbing me between my legs, and taking my hand and putting it in his pants and trying to get me to touch him. I pulled away everytime, but it didn't matter, he continued doing this all the way to the house. Once we got there, they put in a porno, and I just wanted to go to sleep. I was thirsty so I asked for one more beer. He was the one who had given it to me, but the strange thing was he dug around in his bookbag before he gave it to me. He also wouldn't give it to me until he took the first drink and then also waited for a few minutes, which now when I think about it I wouldn't doubt if he didn't drug me. After drinking that beer my memory is not that clear. I remember things but not full detail. I was also drunk though.

He kept asking me to sit on the long couch with him, but I made excuses over and over again. I make myself mad trying to figure this one out, I woke up on that long couch, I don't remember getting there. I kept blacking out. The first time I woke up, he was on top of me, he had his fingers inside of me. I asked him what he was doing and he said that everything was ok and I blacked out again. The next time I woke up he had already begun to rape me. I told him to stop and to get off of me, but all he said was do you want me to use a condom. I didn't really understand at the time, I was so messed up, I mumbled something and he just kept going. I tried to push him off of me, I am about 5'6 and 135 lbs, he was like 6'3 and probably 160-170 lbs. I had no strength, so I said over and over again..."no". He put his hands over my mouth and told me to be quiet and that everything was alright. I blacked out again, I wanted it to all be over.

I woke up to find that he had passed out on me, I couldn't move him and I couldn't wake him up, I didn't know what to do. He woke up after awhile and kept going, I remember he said for me to keep this between me and him. I thought he was done but he was only asking my best friend to come and join us, he pulled her off of the other couch while still having sex with me and he put his hands down her pants and kissed her. He left her alone and continued on with me, he moved my legs to a position where it hurt so bad, I started crying and told him it hurt, but he said that this was going to be the best sexual experience I will ever have. Finally he got done, and I jumped off of that couch and went to the bathroom and cried and cried, I couldn't stay in that house with him, so I took my guy friend and my best friend out to the car outside and we slept in there.

That morning was Easter, and I had to be home by 10:00 so I could go to a family get to together. I got home and went to bed, I didn't feel like doing anything. My mom yelled at me to get out of bed so we could leave and when I got up I could barely walk. The insides of my legs were bruised and sore. I didn't tell my parents, I was ashamed and scared I would be in trouble for going there and drinking.

About 4 months later, they read my journal, and found out. They forced me to go to the police and make a statement. I did. I was scared of going to court and also all of his friends were threatening me to drop all of it, so I changed my story and the charges werebrought from forcible rape to statatory rape. So right now when he should be sitting in some jailhouse, he is only on 5 years of prohbation and he has to go to sex offender classes, and can't be around anyone under 17 without supervision. I pray for anyone who comes in contact with him and for anyone that he tries to do the same thing to, I pray that they wil be able to avoid what happened to me. I pray for the rest of all of you survivors, that you will have a feeling of peace and happiness.

Amanda


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