I don't know exactly where to begin, so I'll just start by giving a summary of the events that occurred just before I was raped. This will help you understand my emotional state at the time.
It was my senior year in high school. I had recently been dumped by my "first love." The guy I thought I was going to marry someday. I know that's pretty naive, but I was young and in love, so I didn't know any better! He dumped me for another girl -- a girl who was well-known for being VERY sexually active. She was slightly older than me and definitely more experienced. He had been my first, which made the break-up that much more difficult for me. I dealt with the break-up in a very stupid way - first I tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills. Fortunately, I chickened out and told my mother what I had done, so she took me to the hospital and they made me drink that nasty syrup until I threw up the pills. Shortly after that incident, I started dating this "rebel" type guy. The kind of guy your parents hate. Well, we started having sex immediately (and often). I was willing because he said that he "loved" me. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that point in my life. My heart had been broken into a million pieces by my ex, so it felt good to be "loved" again. (sorry I'm rambling, but I promise my story is going somewhere!)
About two weeks after I graduated high school, I found out that I was pregnant. I had been dating the "rebel" guy for about four months or so and we had unprotected sex more times than you could count, so this was bound to happen. Stupid me - I just didn't think that it actually WOULD happen! He had been telling me all along that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me, so when I found out that I was pregnant, I was scared, but I thought it would all work out okay somehow. That same week, however, I found out he had been cheating on me for quite some time. With a 14-year-old girl no less! My dreams of getting married and having a family with this guy were shattered, so I broke up with him and then had to tell my mother that I was pregnant. She was furious (of course), because she HATED this guy with a passion as it was! She told me I had "no choice" but to get an abortion. I didn't want to do that, because I had always wanted to have kids more than anything, but she convinced me that NO guy would ever want me if I had a baby already and she would not help me out at all. I would be on my own. I was scared out of my mind, so I went along with the abortion. Let me just say that that was the single most painful (both emotionally and physically) experience of my life. They didn't give me any anesthesia at all, so I felt and heard everything they did to me that day. I try to tell myself that it was okay, because I was only 8 weeks along, but I know that it was still my baby. I was devastated.
Here's where my rape comes into the story. About a month after my abortion, my best friend and I heard about a party not too far from where we lived, so we went and checked it out. We were having a great time -- laughing, drinking some wine coolers, just hanging out and listening to music. It felt SO good to relax and actually have fun after everything that had happened to me recently. Then we ran into a "friend" of ours from school. He was at the party, too. He was actually more of a "friend of a friend", but we knew him and thought he was a really nice guy. As it got later, my best friend told me that we had to get going because it was almost her curfew. I was spending the night at her house, which meant that I had to go, too. I didn't want to go though, because I was having fun, so I asked her if I could just meet her later. She told me that her mother would get mad if I showed up later, so the "friend" of ours told me that I could just stay at the party with him and spend the night at his house. He said his parents wouldn't mind at all and that he would sleep on the sofa. I thought 'okay' - this seems like the perfect solution, so I stayed. Later, when we got to his house, it was pretty dark and he told me that his parents were sleeping already. He showed me to his room and even gave me a t-shirt to sleep in. Then he said "good night" and left the room and went to sleep on the sofa. Or so I thought. I was half asleep when I felt him on top of me. I was confused at first, because I forgot for a moment where I was. Then I remembered and I asked him what he was doing. Before I knew what was going on, he had already pulled my underwear down and shoved himself inside of me. This was a big 200+ pound guy and I was only 105 pounds, so I couldn't get him off of me. I can't even remember if I said "no" or "stop" - all I know is that I was in shock. I couldn't believe he was doing that to me! I don't think it lasted long. Maybe a few minutes. I have no idea. I felt like I just shut down or something until it was over. When he finished, he just rolled off of me and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I laid there, stunned, not knowing what to do. I cried because I couldn't even leave. I had nowhere to go. It was the middle of the night and I wasn't even familiar with his neighborhood, so I couldn't leave. I just laid there until morning. As soon as it got light out, I left and started walking home. I wasn't sure exactly how to get there, but I didn't care. I just HAD to get the hell away from his house! I felt so stupid and ashamed for what happened that night. I felt like I was practically asking for it by going back to his house, but I swear, I didn't think anything like that was going to happen! I trusted him. He was a "friend."
After I was raped, the only thing I could think about for the next month was "am I pregnant again?" He didn't use a condom when he raped me. The thought of having another abortion scared me more than words could say, so I had resolved myself to the fact that if I was pregnant, I was going to have to have this baby. A baby created by rape. I prayed and prayed that I wasn't pregnant! Thank God, I didn't end up getting pregnant, because I thought for sure if I had to tell my mother what happened she would say that I asked for it. I felt that way, so why shouldn't she? I didn't tell anyone for a long time what happened that night. Years later, I ran into my rapist in a shopping mall. He called out my name and said "hi" like we were old buddies or something. I couldn't believe his nerve! Anyway, thanks for letting me vent like this. It feels good to get it out. Sorry for rambling on and on in the beginning, but I wanted everyone to know where I was "emotionally" when I was raped. I've accepted the fact that it wasn't my fault, but I still wish I hadn't been so stupid and trusting back then.
Take care and thanks for "listening" -
I wish harder than I have ever cried that this never happened. I survived something that statistics say should have killed me. I made it through the hard times when I honestly thought and hoped that I wouldn't see the light of day. Growing up I never thought that I would live to see 18. I happen to be 20, born 7/11/1981. But not just 20. 20, married and a mother, the greatest gift God can bestow on a woman.
I AM a survivor and here is my story...
The first acts of abuse that I can remeber is when I was about 5 years of age. I was living in Wisconsin with my father and little sister who is almost 3 years younger than me. My mom and (step) dad had moved to california to make a better life for us, but could only afford to take my younger brother. My mother trusted that my father would take care of my sister and I, but could not trust him to take care of my brother. Durring this short period of time my father would leave us with his "friends" while he went and did his own thing. His "friends" would neglect their responsability of my sister and I while they had parties, did drugs and had sex throughout our house. I had to learn how to make food, and change diapers so my sister and I were "taken care of". When they werent neglecting us, they were paying "special" attention to me. I dont remember much except for sitting and watching their acts of sexual gratification while they stare back at me. I do remeber this one incident where it was bedtime. I went downstairs to get a drink of water and i fell. when i fell i hit my head on the banister and started crying, naturally, it hurt. They were obviously not pleased with me. They tied me up in a sheet, put the sheet in a plastic bag and put me in the basement. I remember hearing my sister cry. I dont remember much after that.
When my mom came to Wisconsin to bring my sister and I to California I never said a word to her. When I got to CA my mom had a job and an apartment with my dad, who also had a job. My brother and sister and I shared a room. I made friends, or who I thought were friends. Everything was good. I was allowed to be a kid again. Until I was about 7 Years of age. My neighbor/babysitters 8 year old grandson arranged for 2 of my "friends" to hold me down while he penetrated me and touched my body all over. We were playing hide and seek when it happened. They ganged up on me and held me down in an ivy patch. He pulled my panties down and did his "thing". When it was all over i ran upstairs to my appartment and cried my self to sleep. My mom and dad asked me what was wrong and i told them that my friends were being mean to me. I tried to avoid him as much as I could, when I could. But I would end up meeting up with him a second time. He raped me again. This time I felt as if I was obligated to. Not because I owed him anything. But because he told me that if I didnt, he would do it to my little sister. So in order to protect her, I did what he wanted. Needless to say I hated going to his grandmas appartment. Not only because of him, but his 18 year old brother was just as bad. He told me he would help me with my homework. I went in his room and he closed the door. While I was sitting on his bed, with my book open. He came over to me and started kissing me with his tongue. I didnt know what to do. He told me that i wasnt doing it right, that I had to "pet his tongue with mine". When i did what he said, he started touching me. when I started to sweat, from fear and anxiety. He asked me if I had a crush on him. I told him yes, because i did. He smiled and said that he had a crush on me too. He said that that made it okay. because we both liked eachother it was okay. he never had sex with me but when I left his room i didnt know what to say or do. He never did help me with my homework.
My family and I ended up moving out of the complex shortly after. I hoped that i would never see them again. But i saw them around. but they never had any physical contect with me again.
When i was 14 a family friend molested me in his home, with his wife downstairs and his 2 daughters playing down the hall. He was a respected member of our church and his wife was a youth leader. i was staying at her house because she was out with a bad back and couldnt move. She slept on a mattress downstairs and i was there to keep her company. She fell asleep watching a movie, so i went upstairs to play on the computer. i was playing solitaire when her husband came in. he sat behind me and helped me with the game while we talked about everyday things. he kept up the conversation like nothing was going on the whole time.
i always thought that men were the only ones that would do this. but when i was 16, 2 of my female friends got me drunk, wasted drunk, and took advantage of me sexually. they swear up and down that i wanted it. but they handcuffed me to the bed and no means no. i dont remember too much about that night. but i dont keep in contact with them anymore. i dont care too either. they managed to turn my bestfriend against me. it was my word against theirs. they were popular and i wasnt. i ended up leaving school because of it. the safety of myself and my family was threatened. they had gang connections, and they had my ex-boyfriend beaten to prove their point. what point, i dont know.
I honestly think that it is Gods graces that have gotten me through all of this. I am not a devout Christian, but i do believe in God. I have always struggled with my anger towards my creator. But i do beleive that he has a plan. And if this was meant to kill me it would have killed me. with God nothing is impossible and i do beleive that he has been with me giving me strength through it all.
I had seen the guy at the mall (he was a waitor at a restaurant). I gave him my phone number and we started talking on the phone. A week or so later he and I were at my friend's apartment (my friend wasn't there though; she was at another person's house having dinner.) watching TV. He said that he wanted to watch the movie "Where the Red Fern Grows" so I put it in. About half way through the movie he and I started making out. He took off my pants and then was messing with my panties. I told him that I didn't want to have sex and he said "okay." He then proceeded to still take my panties off. He was on top of me and I couldn't move. Again, I told him that I didn't want to have sex. I was paralyzed with fear, it was like I was in a state of shock. I didn't know what to do. I told him a total of 4 times that I didn't want to have sex, to stop, but he still had sex with me. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it felt like years.
I ran to the bathroom after that and saw that I was bleeding for the vagina (that was the 2nd time that I'd ever had sex). When my friend called to see what all we were up to I didn't know what to say. He was sitting right next to me, staring at me. So I made it sound like I had agreed to it. I didn't know what else to do/say with him staring right at me. The next day he called my friend and told her that it was HER that he was wanting to go out with, not me. In fact, he told her that the day I gave him my phone number he thought I was giving him HER phone number. The rape happened just a couple of days after my 18th birthday. What a birthday present, huh? I never told my parents because I felt that it was partially my fault because I was alone with him, and we had been making out. To this day my parents don't know that I was ever raped. It (the rape) changed the way I acted around the opposite sex. At first I was really uncomfortable, and then a few months later I started having sex a lot. I truly feel that I wouldn't have had sex with so many people if I was never raped.