My life has changed completely. I wish I could turn back time to where I was only 14 years old, that's when my life was great. I had no care in the world, little did I know that I was heading down a dead end road filled with anger, guilt, deppression, and shame... Starting high school, I figured would be a great oppurtinity to meet new people and get involved in different things. I still remember sitting in math class keeping my eye on the "cutie", who sat only two seats away from me. If I only knew what would lie ahead with knowing him, I would have never even looked in his direction. After talking to "him" and getting to know him a little more, we started dating. People always said we made a cute couple. I was startled the day I called his house and his older brother answered the phone. He asked me if I was his brother's girlfriend and I said yes. Then he coninued to say perverted sexual things to me until finally his brother came to the phone. I didn't feel comfortable talking to his older brother anymore after that, I hated calling his house because I knew that his older brother would get on the phone and say disgusting things to me. I asked my boyfriend at the time why he kept doing that, and all he said was,"don't worry about it, that's just how he is, he is kind of slow". So I left it as that.
Throughout our relationship, I began to talk a little bit more and more to his older brother just remembering what my boyfriend said. After getting to know his older brother I didn't think he was a bad guy, he would always stick up for me when his brother an I were fighting, and he would always call me and let me know if anything was going wrong. It wasn't for a while when he started complimenting me all the time on how I looked, and things like that,and then he started telling me how much he liked me and how I should break up with his brother for him. That he could treat me better than his brother could. He was 28, and I at the time was only 15. Things started going from bad to worse with me and his brother so eventually we went our seperate ways. His older brother still came down to see how I was doing and how I was coping with the breakup.
One night, which turned out to be the worst night of my life, he came down to help my new boyfriend move his things. While moving, he told my boyfriend he had a surprise for me, which was a pack of cigarette's. When they both got back to my house, he told me he had a surprise for me, I looked at my boyfriend and he whispered, "don't worry, it's only a pack of cigarette's." He new how uneasy I felt being alone with him. I needed a soda at the time, so he offered me a ride to get some. While on our way to the store he gave me the cigarette's, and then my soda. He then told me he had another surprise for me, which I thought was odd because my boyfriend never said anything to me about another surprise. He then asked me where do I want to go to park. I thought of all the things he used to say to me, and I said P&C, because it was bright from the lights and I knew people who were working their that night if he tried anything. Pulling into the parking lot he told me to lock my door, I didn't think anything of it so I did. He drove the the back of the store where it was all dark and everything, and I was scared at this point because I thought he was going to be parked up front where there was lights, and also at this point I had my door locked. He turned the van off, and turned toward me. That's when my whole world came crashing down... Inside that van, he did terrible things to me, and he made me do sick things to him. All I could do was cry and pray for help, and keep saying "NO". I couldn't move anywhere because he held my hands down on the back of the seat. Finally, I got the courage to try and fight him off of me and I kicked him with my knees in his manhood. He got off of me and he sta back in his seat. He started the van and he pulled out of the parking lot. I stared out the window the whole ride home, and the only thing that came out of his mouth was," don't tell anyone about this because I can get into trouble". Not a sorry, or I didn't mean it, or anything just don't tell anyone.
I came home and I threw the soda and cigarette's on the floor and went into the bathroom and puked. I didn't want to say anything to anyone about what just happend, but everyone at my house knew something was wrong. When I came out of the bathroom, everyone asked me what was wrong, and all I could say was, "Get him out of my house." I took my friend outside and walked down the road a little ways and I told him what happened, and of course my attacker had came out to right behind me. I made my friend promise not to do anything to him because then he would know I told on him. I went back into my house and everyone followed me upstairs, and then I told everyone what had happend. My mother made my boyfriend call the cops. After months and months of court battles and having to see his face again right on the side of me, we finally got the verdict in. My attacker got away with everything he put me through. He had got nothing out of it. I was a different story. I got nights upon nights of endless nightmares, fear and terror that he woud come back and do it again. To this day, he still haunts me. Even after an order of protection against him, he still travels my road everyday, and he stil beeps his horn at me and whistles at me and shouts vulgar things toward me when he sees me. That's not the ending of my story.
At my cousins' with my best friend,a while after this incident, I fell asleep watching a movie. My cousin had his friends there but I knew them all, so I didn't think anything of it. I fell asleep next to a kid who I thought was my friend, and when I woke up he was doing was things no person should ever have to go through.
See, I know what people like me are going through. I live with this pain everyday. My nightmares still continue, and until today it was always something I never liked talking about. I did feel ashamed and believe that it was my fault for both incidents. Now though, I realize that no means no, and I have nothing to be ashamed for. If you would like help, or you just want to talk to me, please feel free to e-mail me at any time and I will get right back to you.
Thank you for taking the time out to listen to my story......
Lets see.. when there is so much to say it is hard to know where to begin.. some people will probably feel that my story doesnt belong here, because i wouldnt clasify as a rape victim, i was molested.. i was only touched.. but i dont see how that the difference between intercourse and touching is any different.. I have read the other stories and cant believe how what they all feel is so much the same as what I feel..
The first time was so long ago.. but I still know what I ate for supper that day.. I remember the road I walked down and my grandmother yelling for us to go home.. I was so young I didn't even know what happened.. I was raped that day, i was raped, at the young age of about 6 or 7 of the innocence i had for so little time, of the trust i never got to experience with a boyfriend, to me every guy i am around has an underlying interest in me.. he wants something, and of course i have to give it to him, because for me, that is how it has always been, that is what guys are all about, they take what they want, they don't have to ask, they seem to think that that is there right. I wish that i could trust a guy for once, i tell them that i do, that with them it is different, i want to pretend that i am normal and sleep one night without a dream that haunts me of weeds that are so high that they can hide my uncle having me take my clothes off so that he can try to have sex with me.. i want to be able to walk out of my room and not see my step-dad and not have to wonder if he will get so drunk again and not know what he is doing to me.
No person should have to live with any story like mine, worse than mine, or even less worse than mine. I forgive my uncle for what he did.. he had a hard life as well, i forgive my step-dad, i am sure he has his problems. the thing is, is that i am told i need to forgive myself.. how am i supposed to go about forgiving myself. am I supposed to say gee i am really sorry for what these people have put you through so now it is times to go on and forget about it.. well i am sorry but i cant forget about it. no one will ever understand how i feel. i read some of the stories and each one is different.. the only common thing is that we all feel lost, and that is because we have NO ONE.
I can tell my friends, but i know they don't know what to say, because they don't understand what it is like. sometimes i just lie in bed and cry because i just don't know what to do with what i am feeling, i feel so alone, even when i am talking to someone, i feel empty. I don't even care what someone thinks about me, it is meaningless.. if a guy likes me, it is meaningless i like the attention, but secretly it doesn't matter, because i know, i just know that all he wants to do is hurt me, that is it, and it never fails, no matter who he is, my dad, my uncle, my step-dad, my boyfriend, he never stays, he never loves me, he takes what he wants and he leaves, to me that is what men are all about. I hate so bad that i feel that way but yet i still need a guy in my life to feel like i am somebody.. or somewhat of a person, cause some days i don't even feel like a complete person. sometimes i am just a piece of a person, or just an empty body walking around only with hurt while people look so happy.. sometimes i think it is so unfair that other people get to be so happy or that they can sleep at night.
well maybe i should tell my story, i was in north Dakota for the summer, my father and grandfather were beekeepers and in the summer me my dad and my brother would go to north Dakota so my father could help my grandfather with his bees there. well my grandfather and grandmother adopted a boy who was a little older than me. i remember we lived at the bottom of a hill and at the top was a house where my best friend lived with his family, a little boy and a little girl (when i was 13 i learned he did "something" to that little girl as well). then passed that house my great grandmother lived. there was a path going down to where we lived and even though that is atleast 10 years ago and that was my last time going there i still remember what it looked like. me and my uncle were walking down that hill and there was a bed to a trailer over in this high grass.. if you have ever been to the northern states you know the grass i am talking about. well we went over to the trailer and w! e were playing and then he told me to take my clothes off.. i asked him why and he told me that i had to because that is what you are supposed to do.. i remember thinking why wouldn't my Mom tell me about this.. if i am supposed to do something that is so important why wouldn't my Mom tell me! well.. i did.. and he did. and he got on top of me.. i remember he said we just had to lay there until he counted to ten.. i was so confused.. this was all so weird to me.. and then my great grandma was screaming for us to go home because grandma was looking for us to come eat supper, so we went home. i had to take a bath with him that night.. for some reason then i knew that what happened was wrong, because i felt so wrong sitting in front of him naked! I didn't play with him much more that summer.. I would go to the house on the hill, that was my escape place, my uncle wasn't allowed up there anymore.. i would hide in my friends "fort" we would talk not about what happened.. i never understood why my uncle wasn't allowed there.. later i did. he would yell for me, he said i would get in trouble if i didn't come play with him.. but on the hill i was free.. with my best friend i was free, because i knew he would protect me.. when i went back home to Florida.. i was never free like that again.. Five years ago i learned that my friend had died.. he had asthma really bad.. i remembered that.. i remember i didn't cry for him.. i hated that i couldn't.. maybe it is because i didn't get to see him, but maybe it is because i know he is free, i wish i could of told him how he made me feel safe, how he was the only person who made me feel safe. I wrote a poem for him, maybe one day I will see him, and get to read it to him, when I am free as well. until I was 13 I had extremely bad nightmares about what had happened. I was so confused about everything, i was so young and i wasn't even sure myself what had happened to me. at one point i thought i was pregnant.. i later understood that that wasn't possible. i just knew that sex equals babies.. i learned that i wasn't. i remember having nightmares so bad that i woke up screaming for my Mom.. i remember that i was so confused about sex and what sex was all about.. i felt better after i told my Mom, my nightmares weren't as bad, they still are bad sometimes, but it is getting better. that is when i learned about the girl on the hill, she was only 4, my uncle tried to do something to her as well.. when i was older i remember going to my grandmothers house in FL, my uncle would be there and i was supposed to play with him.. i was 12.. i remember he would talk about my breasts and how they were starting to grow.. i hated him and was scared of him, i didn't like being around him, but i felt that there was nothing i could do. my Mom told me that
once my dad caught him choking my brother.. my bother is mentally handicapped and i couldn't believe he is so sick to do something like that.. i remember that their cat had kittens and my favorite was this white one.. i told him and he locked everyone out of the house and beat the white one to death.. i think he has no heart. when i think about him, and all i can remember him doing to me, and everyone.. i hope that he can get help, and get better.
my other story has to do with my step-dad, with as much as the other story has effected me.. sometimes i feel that this one is worse. My step-dad is an alcoholic. and one night we were watching a movie in the living room and i fell asleep.. my Mom just let me sleep there and later that night i could feel someone touching me.. there hand was going down my pants and i was just so scared..!! i didn't know what to do.. i had no voice to even scream with! i thought someone had gotten in the house.. it never even crossed my mind that it was someone who i knew! i felt the hand move to my bra, and try to unhook it, he couldn't and gave up and went back down my pants.. i couldn't move.. i jerked the hand moved and i got up.. he was naked.. i was scared, i went to my room.. Laid down on my bed and cried. I could hear him moving around my door going by. I was so scared. I was scared he would come and finish the job. I told my sister the next morning she held me and we both cried.. she is the only person who cried with me for MY pain. she told my Mom, and my Mom yelled at him and told my sister to take me out of the house, we went to see Romy and Michele's high school reunion.. i didn't think the movie was funny, i remember that.. later i watched it.. i liked it.. when i got home.. he was still there.. i went to my room.. my sister came.. my Mom came.. he didn't. my Mom said he was drunk, he didn't know what he did, he thought it was my Mom, not me.. i cried, my sister was crying for me.. he came in, he cried, my Mom cried. he said he didn't know what he did, he didn't remember anything.. he got to stay.. he was supposed to quit drinking so much.. he didn't.. and when he does.. he is mean to me.. to me it isn't fair.. he doesn't remember what he did to me.. but i remember.. i remember everything.. and that isn't fair.. my whole life has changed because of him, and his life is the same.. but mine will never be the same.. and it isn't fair.. and there isn't one thing i can do to get it out of my head because even if he was gone.. i would still see him.. he will always be there.. and that isn't fair.. it isn't fair he should remember.. i wish my Mom would remember.. it hurts so bad to think that she doesn't remember.. when he says the things he says to me all i want to hear is her scream leave her alone.. to just stand up to him for me once.. to atleast stand up to my brother who cant speak for himself.. or for me too cause i cant speak for myself.. around him i have no voice.. just pain. even after it all.. i just wish that he atleast had respect for me.. but he puts me down so bad.. and it hurts.. i just wish that there will be one time.. when i can feel that a guy actually loves me for me.. not for what he thinks he can get or take from me.
In 1971 I was raped by 4 men because they thought I saw a crime they committed. In the night I woke with a bowie knife at my neck one cuming in my ear and one on top of me and another putting aneedle in my arm full of herion. I was raped tortuced for 4 days ad 3 nights. I was burned and they put oven cleaner on my arm and leg and watched eat my skin away. My electric mixer was put up me and turned on. One was a Dentist Ass and on the three if them took me there ad drilled holes in my legs and vagina, urinary track, clitois. I never cried, screamed or did anything they wanted I was naive 21 yr old virgin and I had 4 way sex with these men and thenwhen I asked for a bath they laughedat me. They would eat food in front of me and when I asked to use the bathroom they got out 2 pot and they gave that to me to eat and my urine to drink. I exscaped and jumped two stories and they broke my ribs, cheek bones, nose eyes swollen shut and I kicked the hell out of the ma! n they left there to give me my last shot and make it look like I overdosed.
When I got help from a free clinic and then came home my parents called me cunt, whore, call girl, etc. and kicked me out of my home I later was needed at home to take care of my mother. I was 22 yrs old and a friend saw they beat me and she helped me with my night terrors, nightmares we talked and she said I love you and I cried because that was the first time I had ever heard those word before also she huged me and I didn't hug back she asked why and I told her my mother told me if I touch anyone they would die. My friend told me to get use to hearing I love you because she said like a sister. We have been friends for 29 years and yet I found someone in the movie business that got me to tape it and then I found a agent and I wrote a screenplay and book and I'm on my second. I have won awards for poetry. I painted a smile on my face and made it and now the smile is real the guilt & shame are gone with the help of three women in my life. I can see a future for me.
In the movie and book business. I want to help people just like me that has guilt and shame when it's not their fault. I would never give those men the control of me. I hope soon my book will be published and I can help others just like me.
I still live with night terror and nightmares. They raped me and my mind.